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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Please stop beating yourself up and channel your energy into reevaluating what your worth is, what your values and standards are, what specific actions you will take to act true to those specific values and standards. What your boundaries are and how you will maintain them. Who cares what he gets, what he says he gets. Life isn't fair. He's not "getting" a reward - certain women will be attracted to him like you were. It's a waste of your stomach acid to do the pity party "it's not fair he gets rewarded" thing - give yourself 5 minutes a day for this kind of pity indulgence for the next couple of days while you get very honest and clear with yourself what you are looking for -specifically.
  2. I agree with Catfeeder - you're just a contractor. Bottom line -no matter how long you've worked with them or how well liked you are. And there's an upside to the sort of work you do because as you say you can't really get "better" at it or do it faster, etc and therefore get more leverage in how many hours/working conditions but also means less pressure on you in general. Now the "just a contractor" doesn't mean you're not just as good or better than full time employees but it does mean that you have less say in your working conditions (employees likely also can't complain about their feelings being hurt/being offended but at least then there's HR to report to, etc). I'm sorry the situation is not the best right now!
  3. Yes - this is exactly what I was going to suggest - worrying about whether she "fades" from your thoughts -all abstract because you've never gotten to know her. Get to know her.
  4. That's describing the benefits of having a pet, not a girlfriend. Yes I would end things.
  5. Total deal breaker. I was 100% sure I wanted to be a mother by at least age 18 if not sooner. Never wavered. One of my friend's daughters just had her third child at age 25 -her first at 19 -always knew too. I think very young teenagers can know especially if they have experience caring for babies and children as I did. Please don't waste her time. You are entirely entitled not to want a child and I'm glad you were honest. Please find someone else who also doesn't want to be a parent. Typically on the kids issue it's not true at all that "anything can happen" unless you mean an accidental pregnancy where she most likely would not want to abort.
  6. I don't think he thinks you are shallow -I think his definition of "open" is he wants you to confess dark secrets from your past and share concerns about your feelings for him and about the relationship. That's a really narrow definition of "open" - people who are getting to know each other typically become more open over time -depends on the individual personality. Tell him that if you ever have an issue you will be open about it rather than building up resentment and that is how you plan to be more open about the relationship. Do you have in depth conversations in general? Do you show openness through your actions -are you approachable and is your body language approachable/open?
  7. It sounds like she doesn't believe in social drinking -meaning a drink where there is no drunk/buzzed consequence. I think you tell her that your drinking problem is in the past, that you are able to have a drink that doesn't get you drunk because you enjoy it occasionally and if you have a disagreement it's not a consequence of your reaction to the alcohol you consumed. Just like if my husband told me not to drink my morning coffee because in his perception it made me "irritable" (no, it doesn't) I'd tell him -my body, my choice, this is what I enjoy. Does she think you were an alcoholic who should never drink again? Does she still get drunk or was this in the past? Also what are the arguments about?
  8. You cannot make it work in any real way with your passive mindset. I really don't want to be involved in a discussion where your motivation was to cause pain. To me that has nothing to do with wanting to give to your partner or make your partner happy. Take responsibility for all of your choices -nothing like this "just happens". How in the world you make this work is you choose to avoid interacting in any close, intimate way until you get the professional help you need so that you're not motivated to interact by a desire to cause someone else pain. You describe that in the past tense but right now your interaction is based on what you label BDSM and it is your choice to be and stay involved.
  9. So if you're not able to perceive such things I'm surprised you would choose an unusual interaction like BDSM. Typical romantic relationships are difficult enough even with typical social/emotional skills but choosing this sort of way to interact injects even more complication into the relationship.
  10. You've chosen to be in a BDSM relationship so if you are the mommy then it's natural he wants this sort of affection. To fulfil his needs play the assigned role in your chosen BDSM interaction. It's not slightly unrelated it's completely related and explains why he interacts with you in the manner he does.
  11. I think you’re overthinking. It’s common sense. How can someone be a good match for you if you have to sacrifice your self worth? Don’t sweep oddities under the rug at any age. And don’t decline to get to know someone because they’re not arm candy or they don’t have precisely all of your preferences. Common sense. Nothing to do with age. Yes age matters. A man who wants biological kids is unlikely to choose you. A man who wants someone who has been married or in a like married relationship before age 49 is not going to choose you. But no you don’t settle because of your age.
  12. Basically say nothing unless it has to do with improving productivity - not about how you feel demoralised. I do like the suggestion of asking for more hours and if it's possible explain how you can contribute (not really as a comparison to the newbies but ok if it is implied).
  13. When I dated I took the initiative all the time. I let the men who wanted to date me ask me out on dates. I did ask for first meets through online sites for the practical reasons that it wasn't a date and I had no time for chat buddies so I suggested meeting after the first phone call if he did not. Back when I dated men who were into traditional dating -which was most of dating - might be flattered by being asked out on a date and they typically did not choose the woman who did so for a serious relationship. I did ask men out. It was no big deal because I took initiative in other ways - rejection wasn't fun of course but no biggie overall. For 99% of the 24 years I dated I was looking for a serious relationship. Asking men out did work well for a casual date or a fling. Maybe things have changed but anecdotally I'm not so sure (I stopped dating in 2005). I do know of some women who prefer to be in a relationship where they have more control over the asking out, the progression to marriage etc. More power to them! I wasn't like that - I liked taking initiative and showing interest and found it worked better for the sort of men I was most attracted to to let them do the asking out especially in the beginning.
  14. I want to add -part of the trauma is because you chose to try to prove you were not Lisa. Why did you try to do that in the first place - get on the defensive at all?
  15. Yes, 7 months is around the time things can get serious - you wrote a lot about the social media stuff so I missed that. I think he needed a way to get around the fact that he'd been behaving inappropriately with Lisa or cheating on you and tried to turn it on you. I get that the threesome thing was a joke. To you. It sounds like since he didn't take it that way your connection and communication failed in that particular area. Yes, sometimes right around the 6 month mark true colors can come out. I am so sorry.
  16. How often did you see each other for that 7 months? The year and a half prior was mostly typing not in person, yes?
  17. Well no - you don't know if it was communicative and caring because you spent very little time in person and part of that time was on holiday right? And while consuming alcohol. Lots of good stuff for us is easier said than done. The challenge was he was mostly unavailable to you and long distance and there was this elusive Lisa and dramatic messages - so he really wasn't available to you -you could feel this organic connection without having to act on it in any serious, long term way.
  18. Pickings are slim. I dated until I was 39. But a good catch has to also be good for you- not just right on paper. He wasn't. Obviously a good catch is not someone you have to sacrifice your self worth for -that makes no sense, right?
  19. He wasn't your serious boyfriend so I also think your mindset that he was contributed to you getting this attached. Moving on is never easy. You think your rollercoaster social media-infused drama story makes it different. It doesn't. Avoid indulging in fancy words like "organic connection." The organic part of this is Jake might have some sort of chemical imbalance or addiction going on. But that's not your problem at all. I'm just saying there was no "organic connection" that formed the basis of a healthful relationship. You can feel connected to people who are wrong for you or unstable. He was wrong for you and likely unstable, despite how you felt/feel. I'm sorry.
  20. You know you're not Lisa. You know Jake is unstable. That's all you need to know. I'm sorry about all this drama and it sounds like in part you liked the challenge of being with Jake, the drama, the unpredictability - not blaming the victim but there's a much greater risk of this stuff happening when you pursue something that's shady-like/drama filled. Remember he said he wouldn't care if Lisa disappeared completely and yet he described her as a friend of his. That was a red flag -who says that about a true friend? Sounds like from the beginning you weren't getting the truth about him and Lisa, for one thing. I'm sorry again but I'd move on completely and limit social media.
  21. To your knowledge he never abused anyone again. Sounds like you had to clarify that. Remember. He had sex with you knowing he’d lied to you about his STD status. Another sex relate lie. Please don’t justify this as gender. He knew what was doing was wrong and lied about it to the 7 year old. And when he was an adult he put you at risk of an STD.
  22. I’d be concerned he’d do this again - I’m just not getting that he’s remorseful and apparently he never sought help for this. I guess if you want to help him find a therapist but from a distance - meaning you can offer to ask around or offer to help with internet searches of potential therapists - but from a distance - please stop seeing him. He already lied to you and put you at great risk of an std and he didn’t care. This adult he abused as a child likely remembers something and her 7 year old sister probably remembers wondering about the lotion incident. He sounds like he has severe issues if he was able to abuse a child in that way and heaven forbid you ever have his child ! Yes I’d end it. Right away. I’m sorry. What a shock.
  23. What confused me is you said you asked him out on a date. You didn't -you told him basically you'd be happy if he asked you out on a date and put in the effort to make a plan. I wrote something similar to Andrina and I like how she put it.
  24. So again you weren’t asking him out. You wanted him to put in the effort to tell you when he was free but also when he was free to do … what ? A date is a plan to see the other person for an activity. “I’d like to see you again. Want to check out that exhibit at the museum this weekend ?”
  25. I don’t think you’re confused. I think you have unrealistic expectations. When he asked you out for a date did he ask you for a particular day to do a particular activity ? Do you expect him to read your mind - especially since you barely know him. Either ask him out on a date or let him ask you. This sort of vague “signal “ just means “I want you to ask me out again so I’m showing you I’ll say yes if you do”. It’s not asking him out or initiating. What’s confusing about that ?
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