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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Genuine with intentions -balanced against how long you know the person. He genuinely wanted one date with you. He genuinely enjoys chatting with you and complimenting you with words. His intentions show in actions. Right now he doesn't have real intentions to date you because he's not asking you out. Many normal people change their minds after one date and figure they'll stay in touch if they're kind of in limbo because they're still considering whether they want to pursue the person. He's not leading you on. In fact he's been honest about his priorities -he'd like to see you again and his actions show that his interest level is "meh" at best since he's not following through by actually making a plan.
  2. Why? Because he can. Or as we tell children "because the moon is made of green cheese". Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is getting what he wants -sex from you - you have no clue what she gets out of the arrangement -and it's none of your business. He may be lying to you about why he can't see you -perhaps he met another woman who performs better sexually and he figures he'll sample what she has to offer and come back to you if it doesn't pan out. She may have serious mental health issues but that would be a wild guess just like any thing you think about is just a wild guess. Who cares -if you stop having sex with him and interacting with him this whole drama you've created goes away poof and then you can stop putting other people at risk of being hurt including innocent kids.
  3. I'm a fan of lying to protect someone's feelings as in not blurting out "yes you look fat in that outfit" to "tell me the truth...." This is different -this involved her health and also his values -she gets to decide whether she's ok being with someone who chooses to get drunk and chooses to have sex with a person as a second choice after his first choice declines - certainly he was single as was his sex partner but the way it happened including drunken sex -some would be totally fine with that -I know people have casual sex when drunk of course -but she gets to decide whether that reflects his values, standards, common sense and she gets to decide whether she needs an STD test.
  4. Why did you need to call him out? Meaning did you really respond with anything but "please leave now" when he spoke to you in that manner? Do you really think you -the woman on the side -is going to convince him to speak more respectfully to you or anyone else -why would he listen to you when you're just someone he enjoys having intercourse or hook ups with? Especially since he knows you're fine having sex with a married man. You can muse all you want about whether he's "magically different" with anyone else - do you do that about every stranger who treats you rudely on the street? So why even go there or invest any time in contemplating whether your occasional sex partner is courteous to any other sex partner, person, his wife, whatever. Why are you settling for scraps and so invested in hurting other people?
  5. I respectfully disagree that he's too busy to send a text "I'm swamped prepping for exams but they are over _____ then I need a day or so to decompress and I'd love to see you on _____ for dinner or a movie or both - does that work for you? Hope so!" So incredibly easy with a text and especially easy when the person is interested in going on a date. I think he's being honest - he's saying he's too busy because people who are not that interested are "too busy" to do what they are not that interested in.
  6. Why are you "supporting" someone you have had one date with who can't be bothered to plan another one? How does he get the benefit of your support? Certainly if he wants to plan a date not happening till after exams I'd be flexible as far as not insisting you plan it during exams. That's not "support" just common human decency you'd extend to an acquaintance making a plan. If you would like to see him again under any circumstances -meaning last minute, as a Plan B or C or D -then yes but then you're showing him what you're worth - which is not much. Find someone who values you and your time and can't wait to see you even if it has to be after exams. And shows it by making a plan.
  7. Yes and he knows when those are over so he can plan in advance -even way in advance.
  8. I'm sorry you're going through this. Her son has to treat you with respect. You are not his parent, you don't get to discipline, but he has to treat you with respect and follow basic house rules. This is your home too.
  9. Good for you! I'm glad you shared that and I hope it felt good to write out your goals. I didn't look for love but I looked for a husband -which included love and passion but also compatible values, standards and goals. I do like the ring of "looking for love" of course! (In case this helps -my 12 year old has shared that he knows he will not get a date or a girlfriend until he has underarm hair, so he's on the lookout for underarm hair).
  10. In our case - I wanted out. But then he did as well. (When I wanted to get back together a month later). But then almost 8 years later, we both wanted in. I also think what helped is we didn't try again right away -less "bad blood" and there was zero cheating or abuse or anything of the sort.
  11. I would not have any further contact with the person and I hope you feel better.
  12. Why do you care about her reaction? All you have in common with her is that you've had intercourse with the same man. She's a stranger to you and she could have been lying to you or to herself etc but really who cares? You're just trying to stir up drama and it's really low to tell her about her child (which is actually just based on your sex partner telling you he did) - are you really so bored with your life that you've taken to meddling in other peoples' families and trying to hurt people? You're not crazy for having had feelings of wanting another person. The concerning part is how you acted on those feelings and continue to act. How about take a good look at your own ethics and values and decide to make some changes to your behavior so that you're acting with common sense, decency, respect and basic manners. Perhaps find a trusted person at your place of worship if you go to one or even read books by, for example, Martha Beck or even Maya Angelou (I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - a really inspiring book overall and not about why not to have an affair but you might get a different, healthier perspective on humanity) Good luck!
  13. What does she like and enjoy? What is meaningful to her? Can you do any of those things with or for her? Can you show when she accomplishes something that -in a genuine, not gushing way -you acknowledge her success? What work does she do that you can help her with to give her more free time? Yes including housework. Yes including the work it takes to order food, to prepare a meal, to clean up after a meal. What do you do when she talks to you? Do you listen without interrupting and ask her before giving unsolicited advice? Avoid the passive descriptions of what this is "due to" - own up to it even in the way you write about it "I have acted in a selfish way" I have subjected her to my issues. I have created distance between us by behaving in a selfish way. It's good she's communicating all of this and not just walking away.
  14. And that’s great you know that about yourself. I knew we’d both changed and that it made perfect sense after 7 years apart to give it another chance. 16 years and a few weeks later I thank the heavens I was able to see that potential and take the plunge. I think our son is too - he wished me a happy Labor Day “because you’ve been in labor”. Oh yes I was. I also had set in stone dealbreakers and that really helped me not waste too much time. Sounds like this is one of your dealbreakers.
  15. So you mean he hasn’t yet asked you out for a date just mentioned he’d like to see you again at some point in the future.
  16. I think all parents should be mindful and no need to be more mindful of avoiding spoiling a child just because the child doesn’t have a sibling. It’s not a positive or negative. It just “is” just like my son is short and will never be tall. If I could have been pregnant earlier than age 41-42 I would have. It was very stressful emotionally. But there are better non invasive diagnostic tests then when I was preggers. I refused an amnio or CVS because of the risks of miscarriage but had blood work and ultrasounds. It’s great that you have so much insight and self knowledge
  17. Nice words. Did he make a specific plan to see you even in advance? When my future husband wanted to make sure he would see me he made plans two weeks in advance - specific day, specific time -he wasn't going to risk me not being available. And I had no cell phone and he had to call me to make that plan. Even though he was insanely busy. So unless this person makes a specific date to see you assume he's not that into you.
  18. I think adults who blame parents for "turning out" in one way or another -except in very extreme cases of (heaven forbid) abuse or neglect -are simply being narrow minded/immature. Parenting of course has an impact but so does the child's friends, extended family, schools, teachers, environment. Parents are so often the target of how a "child turns out" and I think way too much and way too intensely. And the other way around. Certain parents take way too much credit for their children's accomplishments and characteristics. I really like the input you've gotten especially -even though it's technically not as helpful - that this is a really individual and personal decision!!
  19. I think saying sorry as a sort of throwaway is fine -l say sorry to the wall when I bump into it but the dramatic overdoing it doesn't mean the person is actually remorseful. To the OP's point - maybe your friends who say you're too hard on yourself might be commenting on things you say to sort of beat yourself up? Because overdramatizing often means you don't actually know what you've done that you can improve upon while being more specific can lead to growth.
  20. Also, having done much of my dating pre-text/email - before you text think - would you do the same thing by calling her on the phone and talking to her - if not -and I bet in your head "it's just a text" - then don't do it by the excuse of "just a text"
  21. I think this is an important point as one might think the chronic apologizer is hard on herself but actually she might just be self-absorbed- not apologetic in reality just going through the motions.
  22. I think spoiled kids are spoiled because of parenting or caregiving or their personalities. Or a mish mash Has nothing to do with whether there are siblings. We were so distant in age I often was an only child - and my sister basically moved out when I was 13. I hate that stigma just like stigmatizing parents who choose to work full time and have daycare raise their kids so the kids are then “neglected”. All those stigmas really damage parents and children.
  23. I have one child. My husband doesn’t have a sibling. I do. We hated each other till I was 13 and she 18. Now we’re 55 and 60 and love each other to pieces. For decades. When I was born she wanted to exchange me for a kitten. my husband was and is close with his first cousins. My son zoomed a lot with cousins while he was doing virtual learning. He is in many situations where he is a person with no sibling. So? Your children will be in many life situations where they have differences from others. It’s called life. Life isn’t a Norman Rockwell painting or a package tied up in a neat little bow. Anyway I really hate the implication that parents who have one child whether by choice or otherwise are depriving their child of a sibling or somehow are not as good a parent. Huh ?? So what if you adopt - and what if you say you won’t adopt even if you can’t conceive a second child - does that make you a less good parent because you won’t adopt to give your child a sibling? Please get over that whole “child deserves a sibling “. Please. Especially if you don’t want to annoy parents who have one child. It’s a very personal decision. I made it this way: one - we were in our 40s when we conceived. We knew we’d likely be one and done because of my age. I was totally fine with it as was he and we conceived naturally. Two: I had a postpartum stroke from which I fully recovered. No medical history just happened but getting pregnant again would have meant injecting myself with blood thinners. No thanks. Three: neither of us wanted to adopt. my husband had really loving wonderful parents. They had one child for similar reasons as to me. He is a great person - compassionate and thoughtful, giving and intelligent, a person of character and integrity and so hard working and really cute too!! He gets credit but so do his parents even though as you suggest they deprived him of a sibling. I am so blessed with my child. He’s not a “just one “ He’s him. One benefit is it’s much less expensive and cumbersome to travel with one and we’ve traveled a lot Like my husband did as a child. Nationally and internationally It’s a great education and so much fun and so darn exhausting lol I personally would say stop at one unless you are over the moon enthusiastic about wanting another child and for the best interests of that child not just your existing child. I don’t think it’s right to have a child with anything less than that 100% standard. Just my humble opinion.
  24. I would limit who you talk to about this -people you really trust. I see it as contextual and a work in progress. Here's what helps me balance the two extremes: daily cardio exercise. It clears my head and things just flow and I get mental and emotional perspective. Also because I am very hard on my body when I exercise - I push myself to the limit -I get to see what it's like to do that for my benefit -for my health benefit and how awesome it feels when I've accomplished another workout. The other thing I try to notice is when I'm too hard/critical of my husband and son - that is like a mirror of me being too hard on myself. That helps with balance. And I would avoid being so insular "my journey" - it is but your journey will be far better served when you stop contemplating "personal growth" and other abstractions and be out there doing, be out there contributing to others in small and large ways. Doing concrete things. That to me is what really spurs personal growth. The final thing that helps me a lot is reading. I read a lot and focus on reading actual books and magazines. I read fiction and non-fiction, literary and high level and some fluffier stuff. I read every day. I often gain different perspectives this way. For example right now I'm reading about an African American artist. Yesterday I read about election audits related to the 2020 election in the USA and I also read to my son a young adult novel about a boy struggling with his personal growth. A few months ago I read about women who were pilots in the early 20th century. It also helps me be more well rounded. And if you're more well rounded then you will attract others who are. More well rounded people with broad experiences are going to help you be more balanced with the too hard/too lenient thing. And so on.
  25. You don't know if she lost interest quickly but the thing is her interest was based on not knowing you. Now she knows that a new person in her life is going to type confrontational texts to her. That was passive on your part - you hid behind a screen to have that sort of interaction. Yes people can lose interest right away if there's a red flag. Or they can be losing interest over time but it comes to a head.
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