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Batya33

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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. I think you're speculating he is "thinking" about "what he wants". I would be on board with this if a person had to consider a drastic lifestyle change to be with you -like if you got a job offer abroad and he had to consider whether he could make such a move after 7 months, job prospects, family responsibilities, etc. I'm not on board with all this time to contemplate his navel/belly button. And no it doesn't vary -that much- by individual - so don't go down the path of how our personal experiences are irrelevant, everyone is an individual, relationships aren't set in stone. Nope. With rare exception people move towards pleasure and away from pain - a woman or man who wants their partner also never ever would risk that partner getting snapped up by someone else while he/she thought about things. I took space in my past relationship -more than once but one time for a month where I didn't date anyone else (and told him he could if he really wanted to but I hoped he wouldn't - he did not). I missed him a lot. I thought my doubts were resolved - phantom type doubts, nothing concrete. We had a lovely "reconciliation" but the doubts soon resurfaced, shook me to the core. It was so unfair to him -the back and forth, the limbo. I didn't lie and in fact I shared too much about my doubts. It took me months after our final break up (7 years on and off) for the aha moment where I realized how wonderful he was and why we were not a good fit for marriage at all (we never even got engaged but he'd proposed). But I didn't spend that time "thinking" -we broke up - I spent my time living and dating and the aha moment came randomly from a mutual friend who made an observation about his personality and his temperament which wasn't critical at all but showed me why all of that time I'd been unsure. I should have ended things years before I did. He had a part in it too -he kept wanting to "try" again. Please don't be him. There's really nothing to think about here -either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. When my husband asked me if I wanted to get back together -we'd been engaged 7 years earlier - it took me 30 seconds to "think" - to feel scared, to feel flustered at the question, to be caught slightly off guard - 30 seconds. Then, "yes!" through some teariness. But "yes". Yes because I didn't "just know" -well I did "just know" but I also knew with head and heart to the core - I want to be with this person. This imperfect person who comes with a potential move across the country in the future, whose name was on wedding invitations that were used as scrap paper by my mother, who was going to be long distance with me if we dated again. And I wasn't just saying yes to dating -we were getting back together to see if we should get married. I am a perennial overthinker. In everything. A perennial worrier. And I needed my 30 seconds to compose myself a bit, said yes and didn't look back -meaning I didn't have to think deeply again whether yes was the right answer - I did have to think and still do over how to deal with differences we might have, how to deal with relationship challenges, conflict. But I think about that while we are together, committed. I don't have to leave him to think about it and it would never occur to me to do so. Because when you want to be with someone and you're committed it's a given that the thinking part is not about whether you want to be together (or if it is, I suppose, it's momentary, fleeting, impulsive then resolved) - it's about thinking through how to resolve things to stay together. This guy knows he doesn't want to be with you. Because if he did he'd be with you. The end.
  2. I like all the range of responses here. If it were me I personally wouldn't care if you were taking care of yourself. I had an acquaintance who was in her early 30s at the time and she said she wouldn't even date anyone with a history of diabetes in the family. Or anyone with red hair. Or anyone short. She's in her 50s now. Pretty sure she's single. She's attractive, extremely smart and accomplished. She's the type of person you want to avoid because to me if a woman won't date you because you have this diagnosis plus are handling it yourself (which is impressive on your part!) then my bet is she will have a number of other um nitpicky dealbreakers. Now obviously there are exceptions - maybe there's something about diabetes a particular person knows she just can't handle -I mean I have no idea - maybe there are some good reasons. But generally - I think you tell when you feel comfortable and I personally like the idea of 4th date - but if you say it later I don't think it's unfair or misleading or hiding something unless the person outright asks you or shares something where it comes up naturally.
  3. Well yes I have. For 20 years of my life so I do take "offense" - for 20 years all I wanted was to be a mom and wife - and I decided at age 37 that I would consider single mother by choice. I spoke to a few trusted people and did some soul searching. And decided that the best interests of a child to be brought onto this earth if at all possible into a loving, stable marriage or similar commitment far outweighed by desire to be a mom which was so very very strong it hurt! So yes I did experience it for many many years while so many of my friends had kids. It's not just how it is. Not everyone gets to have biological children for one reason or another. Not everyone should have biological or adopted children even for one reason or another. It's not an entitlement at all in my humble opinion. I waited as long as I did because I so strongly believed that. I had enough money and independence and ability to be a single mother by choice and hire help, etc. And I knew for sure it would not be in the best interests to deprive a child of a father at the starting gate -a father I was married to or at the very least long term committed to. I waited till I could find that and I knew I might never. I knew I might not reach my most important life goal of marriage and family to which I wasn't entitled but wanted so very very badly. So yes I knew I had the option not to bring a child into this world on purpose without a dad who I was in love with and forever committed to in marriage or the equivalent I don’t relate to “no other option” because I don’t see giving birth or having a bio child as an entitlement And I still knew that I owed a child that much -at minimum. I completely understand women get divorced, widowed or get pregnant completely by accident, choose not to abort and just cannot bring themselves to give up the child to adoption. But that's different than intentionally conceiving a child outside of a two parent stable family (and yes parents- two women, two men, man/woman) . Adoption -sure- I can see that -a child who is here already and has no one -a single mom for sure can give that child her heart, her care, stability -far more than in foster care situation. So please don't ever assume I didn't go through the pain you are going through -I did and for far longer than you have -I wanted a child for far longer than you have. I had no idea if I could get pregnant. I'd never been pregnant, not accidentally not ever. I was ready for IVF or a surrogate or to adopt. i was just darn lucky I conceived naturally with my future husband when I was almost 41. I didn't even have the opportunity as you do to freeze my eggs because at that age- when I was in my early 30s and asked about it I was told then that only embryo freezing was possible. I wish you the best and I gave my personal opinion and yes I do take offense at the suggestion that I didn't go through heart wrenching pain being childless for so long, wanting to find the right person so badly, being the outsider for the better part of 2 decades while so many friends found spouses and had families. Many of my friends have adult /college age kids and more than one. I am 55 with a 12 year old and thrilled to have one even though for years I assumed I'd have two but that is because I've never ever ever felt entitled to be a mother. Ever. I wasn't entitled -I worked so hard on myself and so hard at dating to do whatever it took -no guarantees -to become the right person to find the right person. And I did. A few days before my 39th birthday after over 25 years of dating on and off. So yes I worked for it. Much harder than many people. Sorry if you had a different impression, And again my moral and ethical values are my own and I'm not going to impose them on others but I found your suggestion to the OP flippant when it came to planning on creating and bringing a child into this world and yes I felt the need to speak out and give my personal opinion just as you gave yours. You didn't ask me for my opinion on your potential sperm donor plan so I won't give it. I was only responding to your suggestion to the OP to have a baby with a female friend if he gets to age 40 and is single. OP I took the long way around and got to where I needed to be despite no guarantees. And I hope you do as well.
  4. I would not advise that because that wouldn't be fair to the child (and that's how I thought about having kids - first and foremost the best interests of the child not first and foremost my intense desire to be a mom when I was in my 20s and 30s and single)- too many risks when the parents aren't married (or like married if marriage is not permitted in a same sex context or if the partners are forever committed without marriage) -too many risks for the child's well being, security, stability when this is done by choice (adoption is another thing because then the child is already here and perhaps a single parent or "friend" arrangement is better than being in foster care) This is just my personal opinion. If you get to your 40s you can adopt if you marry someone in her 40s who cannot conceive anymore (I did in my 40s but not everyone can) - or you can be a step-parent etc. I wrote to you privately my advice on your particular situation and will not repeat it here. Best of luck.
  5. I too think it's normal. I haven't really socialized yet -met a friend with her son and mine for a playdate a few months ago -was nice! - and we went to a resort in July for a business conference -I mingled some and it felt fine - but I really have no interest in going to a loud crowded place -our infection rate remains high. But I think yes it's normal and I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable!
  6. My default is to reach your own conclusions. With an exception - the exception is when you hear facts about the person that you’re darn sure aren’t idle gossip or rumors. I declined a date once with a guy who I googled and learned he’d been accused of white collar crime and when I met a pathological liar through a dating site I spread the word around - only to learn my friend also had met him and experienced the same. I met many many fine men through dating sites - just some not so fine
  7. I have a friend - this prompted by Boltnruns post - recently offered a chance to work with a woman she worked with years ago who she didn’t like working with - because of her management style. But this woman reached out to my friend via LinkedIn so like in boltnruns case apparently this woman likes and respects my friend’s work a lot. It would mean a promotion plus work she would prefer to her current work. We agreed she should explore it especially since it’s been years - perhaps the woman changed. And since the woman obviously wants to work with her there’s some leverage there. Another vote for not burning bridges or getting defensive.
  8. I would try to find out if she actually cares about working as a team vs cares more about showing her "power" (I mean didn't she end up looking pretty foolish?) - because feelings are mushy, ever changing but if a supervisor cares about the team working together effectively and feeling the right level of responsibility/accountability and sort of "taking one for the team" (as opposed to singling someone out -my former mentor used to tell me "I don't want to hear who made a mistake - you're a team so if a mistake is made it's all of you"). I recently had a situation where I had two choices (1) I could not tell my supervisor I'd made a mistake since it was rectified before the deadline (really I doubt she'd have known) - but only because someone who works "for" me caught it in time; or (2) I could tell her and also take the opportunity to tell supervisor that my coworker caught it. I chose (2) even though then I'm telling supervisor I made a mistake. I believe in (2) strongly and I think your manager should foster that type of environment - so in that way yes feelings matter -meaning IF you had made a mistake you should feel obligated AND comfortable enough (meaning for a typical person not someone who's afraid of his own shadow) to come forward, own the mistake and even share who found it if it wasn't you. I see that your manager's approach might have the opposite effect and kind of pit people against each other. Good luck.
  9. But won't your colleagues know that her assumptions were incorrect and her criticisms therefore weren't well founded? Sounds from what you described it was obvious and you ended up vindicated.
  10. Yes. So I think you should meet with her to review the report but let her do the talking. Like “I wanted to meet with you concerning the deficiencies you saw in my report. Can you please review with me what the nature of those deficiencies were?” Then don’t be defensive. Simply say “I see. So how I understand it I am supposed to adhere to the following process (discuss). In this situation when you critiqued the report it was at (x) stage in the process. But it wasn’t yet at y stage so (discuss). My sense is there was a miscommunication on one or both of your parts about how the process works.
  11. I thought you said you went to your colleagues to gather evidence for your meeting. You come across as wanting to be right for ego purposes to an extent that to me will sabotage your success in general. I’m sorry you felt bullied I would address this specific project only if your goal is to learn how to do good work for this person in the way she needs it done. Not to convince her your way is better or her way is wrong. I think I gave you very good advice on how to conduct yourself so that your focus is on continuing to do good work and continuing to learn and grow. And showing your boss your focus is to help the company succeed. I’d feel differently if she’d said something that was discriminatory or personally offensive. She’s all about the work. You don’t like her approach. But she’s all about the work. She’s not going to care whether you felt comfy. Should she? I don’t know.she’s not obligated to at all in this particular situation. In my humble opinion. I know of touchy feely workplaces but then the downside is by definition people will know a whole lot more about your personal life. Maybe you do need a manager who only gives constructive criticism in private. Or criticism. So find that. And know that there will be trade offs each and every time you switch jobs. You know. The devil you know.
  12. So you did all this checking to prepare for your meeting. So here's the thing -that was done for you -to prove your "case" so to speak and taking up the time of your colleagues in this way is what actually doesn't make a good impression - not how your boss approached the audit issue. You spent work time gathering "evidence" -for yourself. Your colleagues know this -it doesn't move the ball further as far as getting work done and it takes up their time. Look this is just my perspective as an employee now and as a manager in the past, pre-kid. Yes, do little talking in the meeting you requested. Ask an open ended fair question in an information-gathering tone. Do not make it about how you felt - it's really irrelevant. Or pretend it is. Then listen. Yes, even though you requested the meeting.
  13. Right -there was no anger because her intention was to get work done and done better. Not to hang you out to dry. When you become a manager you will handle it differently. But it doesn't make her wrong, it's just a different management style - you make it sound like there's some written document that says how she has to do this task and I bet there is not - just that you disagree with how she did it.
  14. I agree with everyone else that the way you want to approach this is counterproductive. Put aside your pride, your ego, etc and the only reason you should speak with her is to tell her "thank you for your constructive criticisms at the meeting and I wanted to review the deficiencies in my work so I don't repeat the mistake". For all you know you are wrong or perhaps they changed the procedure recently without telling you. Be curious not furious. You're not there to feel comfy. You're there to work. You're not there to be "right" about a perceived wrong about this criticism -you're there to contribute to the productivity of your employer. To work. You're not there to be told with kid gloves about mistakes she thinks you made -even if she is wrong. Perhaps if you go in with an open mind -curious not furious -you will discover information you didn't know like a change in procedure. If you go in do very little talking. Do a lot of active, approachable listening. The other alternative is to decide that she is a bully, did this intentionally for some reason and you cannot work under those conditions. Then look for another position. But no you're not going to change her. I know it's frustrating. And the sooner you separate yourself from work more than you are now you might from a more objective view see that she really doesn't have time to go to all that trouble just to make you look bad -I'm sure she's way too busy for that. You be too busy to to allow yourself to go there.
  15. If you have to ask and can't ask him then you have your answer. When my husband wanted us to get back together (we'd been engaged in the past) he said, after we met up platonically three times "Do you want to get back together?" See - as simple as that. And even more simply, after 30 seconds of surprise and some fear (because "getting back together!") I said -after some very random mumbling- 'yes". One word. That's all it takes when you're on the same page and you're sure.
  16. She's not confident at all. She's arrogant and insecure. That's not badass.
  17. I think a wife has more leverage as it is a forever commitment and has more leverage especially if it's affecting children or other family who might be living in the home. And because wife and husband are often more intertwined financially, etc. More leverage. But I agree "can't force". I mean my husband made me -basically made me - go to the ER 11 years ago or so because he knew I was exhibiting stroke symptoms, didn't want to freak me out. I did NOT want to go. Our child was less than 2 weeks old, had just been circumcised and I was convinced that my symptoms were side effects from an antibiotic I was on post C section. But I did it for him and my family even though the thought of leaving my newborn and after that procedure, wow. He basically "made me". Thank goodness I did. Married couples very often have more leverage about health and medical decisions I find.
  18. I'm really surprised at the assumptions that he is the one looking. I still had an online profile when I was exclusive with my now husband. I had no idea at all that others could see who I viewed. I had no idea at all that it was visible as I had deactivated it (but apparently not suspended it which is what I ended up doing when a friend told me it was still coming up in searches, etc). So I viewed men's profiles when my girlfriends would ask me to check a man out for them. I didn't know they knew I viewed them. (this was 16 years ago). But apparently they did. (Yes, my husband knew all about this -we did not meet through an online site -and he was 100% fine with the whole situation including my mistake - I never did anything inappropriate once we were together). Please never assume that a look is from that person or a person who is actually interested in you.
  19. Woo hoo!! Wonderful news!!! Best wishes on a continued healthy pregnancy!
  20. Agree with the others and consider it could be his wife/girlfriend checking your profile.
  21. I would want to know why they are living together because that can be part of the disconnect if they're not on the same page. I did not learn anything very new about my husband once we started officially living together after marriage. We spent many nights together including consecutive nights before marrying, and shortly after we moved in together we became parents -living with a newborn IMHO isn't anything like living with one adult so even if we had lived together I likely would have had unrealistic expectations of living with him and our son - so it worked out better. It certainly was an adjustment but no significant discoveries of who he "really is" -I knew that far far earlier and didn't need to live together officially to know that.
  22. Yes, I'm indirectly aware of improvements plus aware of people posting in my facebook groups about their partners not using the machines/being noisy, etc. For me personally it's a moot point since it's not going to be attempted. I don't think the OP has the leverage to ask a boyfriend after two months to get one-at least in any demanding way.
  23. Why did you move in together? Did you both have the same intentions and goals? Was it for convenience, to plan on getting married soon, something else? I am not into interior design at all and totally get your dream of wanting to decorate your place. But it's not your place -you share it with him. I think lots of couples are hating the close quarters issues with covid. My husband and I both teleworked before covid but not 100% of the time, and not with a child in virtual school till a few months ago. In a two bedroom apartment. But he knows my "quirks" - like I need my space when I take my lunch break (I just want to eat, stare at a screen and not chat - yes I went out to eat regularly pre covid but with a child etc I now became more of an introvert/need my space when I can get it), and he is a night owl who sleeps in (works late into the night) even though myself and my son are up before 7:15 - 6 for me. We also worked out stuff re the kitchen because it's small. Two people can fit but if I'm making dinner for myself, our son, etc I am hangry usually and need to move around freely -again, a space issue. We communicate about certain needs, do trial/error other needs but we do love each other very much, we are very committed to each other and our marriage and family, so we make a concerted effort not to escalate small stuff at all and to not argue about big stuff in an inappropriate way. But yes I can't just leave and get some air with covid so I do think you have to take that into account. Snoring. I'm going to say something really really unpopular but it's more popular than you think. No not ear plugs unless they work for you (they don't for me - but you might want to try!). My husband snores. It's gotten better over the years at points. But when I was a sleep deprived mom of a toddler ten years ago I'd just had it. I was done being sleep deprived by his snoring -for me personally I couldn't function and was in my mid 40s so I couldn't do the soldier through the day on no sleep -especially with a toddler. And I was irritable and frustrated and resentful and sleeping on the sofa middle of the night so much of the time- disturbed sleep and insomnia from the fear that his snoring would wake me/not let me sleep. He wouldn't do the sleep study, nothing. So many years ago we started sleeping in separate rooms -and he liked it because I go to bed early and he goes to bed very late -and he'd also wake me by coming in. Yes, we're married, yes we love each other, yes we have a sex life and yes I would have completely lost it had we not done the separate rooms thing -physically and psychologically. Yes many many couples do this despite it being stigmatized. Yes, certain couples do this because the marriage is over/ending/not good. Honestly even with a CPAP machine etc I'm not sure if I could sleep with the sound of that. When we go on vacation I often lose lots of sleep in the same room. I realize you have a small flat - you don't have a child so offer to sleep in the living room or get a trifold mattress (it folds up in three parts -super comfy and easy to store). Tell him it's not because you're not desiring him but you're getting very ill from the lack of sleep and irritable and cranky. I know I'm going against the grain but for us it's the only way I can function, he's happy too and he gets his physical annually so he can deal with any issues (he is only slightly overweight so I don't think that is it). Doing a sleep study is a big deal at least here -takes lots of time, the CPAP machine isn't for everyone and he's "just a boyfriend" -you're not married, no child so your leverage is much lower even than mine was. Stop nagging him -it won't' help IMO. I hope your adjustment gets better -all the best to you.
  24. So it’s all over if you’ve told him to apply to others. If you really thought he was working on it you wouldn’t have to tell him this like his mommy. This is not him working on it. He’s pursuing scammy shady risky businesses while his mom tells him what to do. do your friends also love your fertility and love how you want marriage and family ? Do they have savings set aside for you so that you can provide for your family ?
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