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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. My friend in her 40s is married with three wonderful young kids. Today she drove her husband an hour to a hospital for his scheduled surgery. He has late stage colon cancer. He will be in the hospital for over a week and has been undergoing chemo. She had to quit her job she loves as a therapist. He is on medical leave. Just consider whether long term commitments are right for you in general whether or not you have or want kids.
  2. I too was going to comment in exactly this way. I'm glad at least he didn't hurt you physically when he threw the chair. And please don't describe yourself as a "good girlfriend" for accommodating him when he was drunk and unstable - you're a person not a therapy animal. It's not your job to take care of an inebritated adult to let him have "fun". Yes if he became ill then you can put him to bed, get him to drink water but you need not "take care" of him so he can have "fun" by being drunk.
  3. Do you feel getting older has anything to do with your increased happiness? I am not sure for myself but I will say I think caring less about what others think (less .... not totally!) has triggered more freedom to be me, more happiness.
  4. Yes I can so relate to being so grateful about liking the work and liking your colleagues and having rapport -but..... too much of a good thing! How are you at saying no to more work/keeping boundaries? Or do you still feel new so you feel you can't say no?
  5. You've met him twice -the social media stuff is irrelevant to whether he's interested in a romantic relationship with you. Also you hinted you were single so you weren't so forthcoming right away either. Sounds like you're getting attached because of the social media stuff but remind yourself you've only met twice or maybe three times? Yes give it a few more dates.
  6. I think it is harder. But I wouldn’t date men with kids and in my 30s that got a bit harder. (I did date a man for three months whose ex girlfriend had a baby after we were dating a month. I couldn’t handle it and I went on one or two dates with a man who had kids). I think if you don’t 100% want a child do not have one. I always 100% wanted a child and wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t feel the same. But yes there certainly are people who don’t want kids. And don’t have kids. Just make it clear from the get go. Your decision not to have a child is completely fine and valid. as far as the responsibility yes it’s huge. Are you ok potentially with the responsibility of helping as a caregiver for your spouse’s parent or sibling or relative ? Consider your caregiver related boundaries before you get serious with someone especially if the person has family members with disabilities or special needs or who are elderly etc.
  7. He may reply. But it’s not likely to be the reply that he made a huge mistake and wants to be with you and never let you go.
  8. I know it's hard and please don't wait for your bday as you have your answer right now. Also as hard as it is to accept you're not entitled to a response from him. His email had nothing to do with wanting to get back together even though you did your utmost to read into it that way. I think he didn't want to slam the door totally shut so he gave himself an out in case he changes his mind. Also it just doesn't give a serious impression at all to raise this really intense and sensitive issue via email. It's an in person thing. Or maybe possibly a phone call. Maybe you did that because you were scared. I get it. But all that means is don't do it if you can't have an actual conversation. I've been on both sides of the get back together situation many times. I am married to my ex fiancee. I know I know "every situation is different." Just giving my perspective. It's hard!! I wish you luck.
  9. That will never make me happy long term -as a short term response to a specific situation yes.
  10. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation and your beloved cat. You are doing what is best even though it’s so so hard. My thoughts are with you.
  11. Anything short of "I've made a terrible mistake. I want to be with you. I want to marry you and plan our marriage within the next 6 months or shorter. Here is how I can assure you I won't walk away again [_____]." is just words. Please don't be in contact with him. (And yes I know of one relationship where right before they got engaged she thought she was making a mistake potentially -she was attracted to a family friend's son who seemed "grass is greener" -she 19 or 20 and they'd been together 3 years - she told her boyfriend and he let her go -from what I remember he told her to walk away and take space although in the 1980s they didn't call it that). I don't believe she hooked up with the other guy but she may have spent time with him. 3 days later she realized she'd made a terrible mistake. He took her back. Happily married since 1987. But she was 19 (he was 19 or 20). I married my ex fiancee. I walked away. I wasn't sure. No one else in the picture. We got back together almost 8 years later but I was 100% enthusiastic as was he -we got back together a month after meeting up for a friendly dinner. Took two more platonic get togethers. Married almost 13 years. (I wanted reconciliation a month later after I walked away and he said no - and he was right). It can happen but cut all ties now unless he comes with what I wrote above.
  12. I personally do it by avoiding the temptation to indulge in self-absorption with one exception which I'll explain. But first - I mean I give to others, I listen to others (really listen) - through this I don't have to think about "truly happy" - I am living, doing, breathing, giving (to friends, through volunteer work, through small kindnesses and big ones). I personally don't reach this through "sitting with myself" or meditating. I do do 4-7-8 breathing when I'm having difficulty sleeping and every single day I say a short prayer and think of 3 things I am grateful for and/or 3 good things that happened that day. Sometimes it's my family, sometimes it's avocado. My son does this too nightly - we do it together, I do it silently later in the evening. I also am honest with myself. For example, I never told myself I was truly happy being without a husband and without the opportunity to have a child, I try never to tell myself I "should" be "happy" with what seems to make others happy. I don't want a spa day, I don't want a massage, I don't want to be able to sleep in, I don't want a glass of wine or a cocktail, I don't want to do extreme sports or extreme fitness. I was happy on my own -and I knew I wouldn't be truly happy without marriage and family. I didn't take long breaks in between relationships and it wasn't always a mistake. Sometimes it was. I wasn't alone when I was not in a relationship. I had friends, relatives, etc. Again it might work for someone else to focus on "I have to be happy being on my own". For me it was "I can't be desperate for a partner or else I will settle". So here's the self-absorption exception. I was not truly happy last night or this morning. I've been feeling fairly burnt out and stressed mostly because of work but other stuff too. Since 1982 I've been working out regularly - as little as 3 times a week but more typically 4-5 times a week and every day for about the past 10 years. There are days like today I have to push myself hard to get outside and workout (outside since March 2020 because of covid). I was not truly happy to do this. I was not truly happy for the first 30 seconds. But I know myself. I know that pushing myself makes me happy. Maybe not someone else -they may be truly happy giving themselves a break from working out, or planning a spa day. I feel fulfilled when I push myself to workout and workout with all my heart and soul and sweat. I am never, ever going to post a selfie on social media of me working out. I don't brag or post about it because it's not why I do it nor is it marathon-training level or anywhere near that. But I feel truly happy when I push myself and complete my workout which is very challenging for me. In other parts of my life I've pushed myself really hard professionally and educationally. I have to be careful to make sure it's not "too hard" but I am all about no pain no gain. I keep my eye on the prize and I am type A and I'm not sorry about that. I married a type B so he keeps me honest. I don't relate to all those social media posts to the effect that it's ok to rest, to say no to obligations, etc. Why? Because of course that is true -that's obvious. Balance is obvious - but I find those posts going further than that -suggesting that pushing ourselves in general is bad (especially- gasp - to move up a corporate ladder or get a promotion, etc -which is no longer part of my life but was for 15 years -no regrets!) - because it's obvious we shouldn't make ourselves ill - I don't like the suggestion of it not being worth it to push hard and challenge ourselves. I'm truly happy when I do that and show myself for example -yes it's 6:01 am, yes, in 17 minutes I'll be out there working out and I won't get to rest during the week until I get my son off to school an hour or so later. I'm truly happy when I'm pounding the pavement uphill, feeling my body pushed to the limits and not feeling like I need to compare myself to another jogger or runner I might see - I'm doing me. So that is the self-absorbed part that makes me truly happy. And it's great for my physical and mental health. Trial and error to find what makes you tick but to me I'm not going to find it through the abstract "take time for yourself" and meditation is not my thing. Good luck and I hope this helped. Be specific-avoid the whole pychobabble generalities of "having to be vulnerable"" -I was getting in my own way of finding a husband for example and part of it was bad luck/bad timing, etc. So I had to face how I was getting in my own way. I was scared I'd fail at grad school. I felt vulnerable but I did it anyway. That's my mantra -feel the fear, do it anyway even if baby steps if the goal is worth it.
  13. You seem kind of needy/clingy -maybe because it's no longer a relationship where you actually see each other? Why do you tell her you miss her as much as you do? Do you do that to test her reaction? That kind of interaction can be really tiring.
  14. So is it possible when you did this it was transparent and she felt manipulated? You were testing her to see her reaction. Also is this a typical way you approach her - with the negative stuff you have going on, with an intensity like that or are you balanced with lighthearted fun stuff too? I think in general the relationship has run its course but this stood out to me.
  15. But adults typically aren’t totally carefree just because they’re single. They have jobs and family responsibilities with parents or siblings etc. I have a friend who always wanted to travel. He got married in his early 30s and a few months later they traveled all over the world for the better part of a year. Both had professional degrees and when they returned both got good jobs. They now have two kids. For example. So it depends. OP I think unfortunately your boyfriend has had a change of heart and he is all over the place like a moving target as far as why and being “confused “. Resolve that you only want to be with someone who is 100% enthusiastic about being with you. Nothing less. Don’t ever try to convince him to be with you or give him the privilege of your friendship unless he wants to marry you. Let him go. Completely. No waiting. If he comes back and is totally committed see what’s going on then. Please make sure he does the right thing by you financially. I am married to my ex fiancée so you never know but we both moved on after we cancelled the wedding. For years. All the best to you.
  16. When I became sexually active I wanted children but not then, not outside of a marriage. Neither did he. So I was on the pill and he used the spermicidal condoms. I did this every time. No accidents and yes I was well aware of the issue with antibiotics so the few times I was on them we abstained. 100%? No. But darn close. There are ways and again there are women who definitely don’t want kids and are willing to abort should an accident happen. It’s a really sensitive topic for sure. I consider 32 young for a man as far as future change of heart. Particularly since he doesn’t have the biological clock issue.
  17. Why is the friendship different than the boyfriend? Aren't the part of the same exact relationship? And yes empathy should be reciprocal, that is obvious.
  18. You can't really mean that your view of marriage is this focused on your parents' marriages?? I think the trust issue is a dealbreaker unless you do the work so you don't react to your feelings by invading someone's privacy or insisting that the person share their passwords.
  19. I lived at home till age 28. I was in college till age 22. Commuter college which my parents offered to pay for ($1,200 a year, got a full private scholarship for the last year but they wanted me to have the $ -I offered). I worked summers and during school breaks - one summer was a prestigious, low paying internship which set me up for success later on -again my parents saw this as an opportunity and $ was not the issue- they had very strong values in higher education. I studied very hard -college was my job, my parents were very supportive and proud of me. I believe I paid for entertainment related expenses. My room was a mess. I prepared almost all of my own food. But they wanted me to focus on studying, and I did. After college I worked full time for 3 years for very low salary. The salary was low mostly because it was not a private corporation - I was doing good and important work that did not command a high salary. I lived in a high rent district. I paid for all my own stuff but no I didn't pay for the groceries nor did they ask. Honestly, I really didn't eat much. Then I went to grad school. They offered to have me live at home and I paid 100% of the tuition through my savings and loans I took out. I worked summers and part time during part of the grad school. I studied all the time. Crazy amount. Again their values dictated how they viewed the financial aspects and maturity. They wanted to support me in accomplishing this higher degree and we knew I likely would triple my salary. I did. As soon as I graduated I moved out at age 28. Had I had to pay rent I would have had to pay back loans for many more years than I did. I bought them gifts and a vacation and offered $ and helped financially with other family members. I offered. They didn't want my money (but yes I gave to other family members over the years). They wanted me to achieve my dreams that had to do with grad school especially and they were so so proud of how hard I worked. Obviously I didn't get paid as a student but to me it was more than a full time job. So there are many ways to raise a child. Once I moved out I certainly felt the increased independence and maturity but I was able to live on my own in a lovely neighborhood and I worked around the clock at my career. Was I as self sufficient as far as living on my own at 28 as I should have been? Nope. Were my parents perfect? Nope. They did what they thought was best and the point is -they gave it thought, they had goals and I had goals. It wasn't some random decision. I think that's all you need to do - balance the pros and cons of forcing her to move out given that she is in school. I'm not judging -just saying that as a parent (I am one) if we put our heart and soul in and do what we think is right even if it's harder then we know we have done our best. So does our child know. Good luck.
  20. I agree with this and people are allowed to change their minds later in life -I've seen that in various circumstances involving accidental pregnancies, death of a parent, other life changing crises or I suppose just because -who I am to judge? Or he may want to be a sperm donor in the future for a family member etc. There are birth control options and many others- like dating a woman who doesn't want kids, dating without having intercourse which many people do and they are just as passionate and sexual (including so many who wait for marriage even if they've had sex in the past), or dating a woman who agrees to abort or put a baby up for adoption (if that fits the "don't want kids" thing) should there be an oops. I never had an oops. I did date someone once (for 5 months, we were sexually active for 3 months) who said if I got accidentally pregnant he'd want me to abort. I stupidly agreed. So yes it can happen that someone agrees and really isn't. I didn't get pregnant. I did use birth control. I regret agreeing. I lied to myself and realized I could not have aborted. But it's not a reason for a man who doesn't want kids to have a vasectomy at age 32 especially.
  21. Please stop beating yourself up and channel your energy into reevaluating what your worth is, what your values and standards are, what specific actions you will take to act true to those specific values and standards. What your boundaries are and how you will maintain them. Who cares what he gets, what he says he gets. Life isn't fair. He's not "getting" a reward - certain women will be attracted to him like you were. It's a waste of your stomach acid to do the pity party "it's not fair he gets rewarded" thing - give yourself 5 minutes a day for this kind of pity indulgence for the next couple of days while you get very honest and clear with yourself what you are looking for -specifically.
  22. I agree with Catfeeder - you're just a contractor. Bottom line -no matter how long you've worked with them or how well liked you are. And there's an upside to the sort of work you do because as you say you can't really get "better" at it or do it faster, etc and therefore get more leverage in how many hours/working conditions but also means less pressure on you in general. Now the "just a contractor" doesn't mean you're not just as good or better than full time employees but it does mean that you have less say in your working conditions (employees likely also can't complain about their feelings being hurt/being offended but at least then there's HR to report to, etc). I'm sorry the situation is not the best right now!
  23. Yes - this is exactly what I was going to suggest - worrying about whether she "fades" from your thoughts -all abstract because you've never gotten to know her. Get to know her.
  24. That's describing the benefits of having a pet, not a girlfriend. Yes I would end things.
  25. Total deal breaker. I was 100% sure I wanted to be a mother by at least age 18 if not sooner. Never wavered. One of my friend's daughters just had her third child at age 25 -her first at 19 -always knew too. I think very young teenagers can know especially if they have experience caring for babies and children as I did. Please don't waste her time. You are entirely entitled not to want a child and I'm glad you were honest. Please find someone else who also doesn't want to be a parent. Typically on the kids issue it's not true at all that "anything can happen" unless you mean an accidental pregnancy where she most likely would not want to abort.
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