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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. One other reason I avoided earplugs or taking sleep meds was because I needed to be able to hear my son at night.
  2. Please stop trying to understand. You're not her therapist or her parent. If her gut is telling her the relationship is wrong tell her it's best if you separate, best if she sit with her feelings on her own without you being there to distract or trigger guilt feelings. Tell her she can contact you in one of two situations - a true life/death emergency with her or her immediate family, etc. or if she resolves her doubts on her own and is 100% committed to being with you -then if you are interested and available you'll consider it.
  3. I do that all the time when awake but since I am not a good sleeper the emotional intimacy doesn't help at all since it's not just annoying -I physically cannot sleep/get to sleep/stay asleep depending on the snoring. It's a physical response in my case and my reactions to things that are annoying when I am awake are a whole different situation since it's annoying, not causing a physical reaction when I am trying to sleep. I also can overlook annoying things that cause a physical reaction when I'm awake like his sudden loud sneezes or tuneless whistling that I find annoying. But not my need to sleep - for me personally it has zero connection. I'm glad it works for you!
  4. For me the deep emotional intimacy didn't affect my ability to sleep in that condition. I also tried the asleep first thing. Didn't work for me unfortunately! I try that on vacation, too. Works sometimes.
  5. I see this as a really passive mindset and one of great concern. He didn't make you committed to him. You chose to get attached based on nice words and 'chasing" - why did you love the chasing so much? Totally get why it's exciting and flattering at first but you claim it "got you hooked" as if you weren't your own person. Of course it's lovely to be a giver. If it's done from a position of self-worth, confidence not fear of losing someone if you don't "give". I don't think your main motivation was wanting him to be happy. It was fear of losing him if you didn't. Very very different scenarios.
  6. Yes, with this additional information my sense is that he was not that into you AND he likes being the one in control so he can walk away and not have a strong attachment. Yes you dodged a bullet and also why would you want to be with someone with so little regard for other humans?
  7. My husband snores and doesn't want to do a sleep study/get a machine etc. I can't do earplugs (yes I tried -I'm not a great sleeper to begin with). For many years - since our son was a toddler (he's 12), we sleep separately and still have a sex life. We also have extremely different sleep schedules - basically a 2-3 hours difference. So my husband is happier this way too because he'd hate to wake me when he comes in late in the night -he's a night owl and works very hard after our son goes to sleep and that time is really important to him. When we share sleeping space on holiday I lose sleep for part of the time at least. I am very very bad at sleep deprivation. When my son was a baby/toddler I often ended up on the couch middle of the night. So disruptive and my being about to lose it from exhaustion of being a new mom and the snoring was what was much much worse for our marriage than sleeping separately. Yes I wish he'd do something about it. But even then with my being a light sleeper and getting up at 6am if he came in at 1am I'd lose a lot of sleep anyway. And he'd feel stressed. I know of couples who sleep apart for these sorts of reasons. It's not ideal. For us the alternative is far worse. I'm sorry you're frustrated!
  8. Was that the issue or did you choose to settle for scraps because of the benefits - he seemed like a trophy and unreachable so it was a challenge and you felt you had what it took to convince him to desire you and want you. A little older, obviously bright and ambitious, likely good looking, etc. When I was your age I fell for an "unavailable to me' man like that. I was bowled over and I did what you did. Guess what - he did end up falling for me a few years later. After a few breakups - we met when he was 22 and I was 23. But by then I knew I'd be lonely in a marriage to him -he was just too distant -so he proposed and I declined. Every case is different but I found out 10 years later why he all of a sudden wanted me. He was fighting with all his heart his feelings that he was actually gay. I never saw any signs -the opposite actually. But he was telling himself if he and I married he could be "normal" or lead a double life. He told me ten years later that he was gay. I figured out the rest on my own (no, he'd never cheated on me or been with a man until after we ended things). He's been with his partner for over 20 years and happily married for many years. Obviously this is unusual. In my case I married an ex fiancee who I was not that into and had doubts about when we were engaged the first time. But we got back together almost 8 years later after so much had changed. But also I actually did love him the first time around we dated, I did think I wanted to marry him, I made a mistake in getting engaged. In your case I think your boyfriend was a lot of talk at first but never really got there with his heart or with his desire to give to you the way people do in healthful romantic relationships. And it was a turn off to see you jumping every time he beckoned and twisting yourself in a sleep deprived pretzel to anticipate his every need. I really do not think you were naive. I think you benefited by never having to be totally vulnerable with him because he was unreachable and unavailable to you. Just consider it. I'm sorry he blocked you and I actually think it's ultimately for the best even though it hurts now.
  9. He didn't either. He didn't really want to be with you so he chose to prioritize work. So the relationship wouldn't have continued on to marriage because he didn't want to marry you. Unfortunately you stuck around jumping through hoops to try to get his attention and he let that happen - either because he's not a nice person or because he figured you're an adult making your own choices and he liked hanging with you at his convenience. Change would happen if he misses you and also -both things -realizes he 100% wants to be with you and only you, that he wants to make you a priority, and then he will choose to treat you as a priority. I don't think he necessarily has to change his personality or change as a person - his feelings and his reaction to his feelings have to change. I married my ex fiancee. I wasn't sure about him/us the first time we dated and I was several years later. We both changed plus our feelings changed towards each other.
  10. I think mostly you did it to see if you could convince him to want to be with you. Sure you did it to be thoughtful but people who have healthy self esteem and know their worth don't go all out for someone who doesn't reciprocate - temporarily yes -if someone is ill, someone is in a temporary crisis but even then the person knows if the tables were turned it would be reciprocated.
  11. I would actually feel differently if you were 38 and wanting to wait five years before trying and hadn’t frozen your eggs. But even then it would depend on many other factors. Do not have a child with this person. The end. You two already have a rocky relationship, you want a career or at the very least the foundation for the career before you have a child which is totally valid and probably really smart ! He will never be supportive of your career and having a child where you eventually return to work outside the home very often requires two parents committed to that. I mean committed to stepping in when one person has a work deadline or paying for extra child care so the other person can have some time to herself and being supportive when work is stressful. I returned to working outside the home after 7 years and my husband is very supportive but he did make a few mistakes in the beginning. But because he was generally supportive it was resolved. This person will see you as a baby maker only and it sounds like he won’t be an equal partner. You’d have to be ready to shelve career goals for several years especially if you have more than one child. My friend was a SAHM for 20 years starting at age 26. 4 kids. After 18 years they separated. He was a real dud on child support and she had health issues and few marketable skills. Financial nightmare. She’s still not doing great financially 15 years later. She went back to school in her 40s. Please reconsider. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM until the kids move out. In fact I think it’s a wonderful career. What’s wrong and a dealbreaker is you do not want that at all.
  12. I agree and with respect to other perspectives I wouldn't go with the "his loss/I am perfect" - it's not a comparison game and you don't have to tell yourself that everyone who isn't that into you is missing out on being with you -they're allowed not to be that into you. It's not ok to act in an abusive way of course. I agree you should be more selective.
  13. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's normal. You did nothing wrong except to yourself- chasing after someone who wasn't that into you. If you have to complain that much to get someone to put in effort to see you then you know it's not the right match ok? Please don't try to "find love" - that's so vague. Be out there proactively meeting people so that you can eventually find the right match for you which of course will include loving actions but not be limited to "love". All the best and again I am sorry you're so upset!
  14. Is that really how you make important choices? By whether your friends would approve? Or the person you are dating? It's a great way to screen people out -stick to your values and standards. Those who are incompatible will let you know, hopefully early on.
  15. It doesn't matter. He didn't tell you he wants you. He didn't tell you that he hopes you will still be available because right now he is not going to date anyone OR look to date anyone because he needs to focus entirely on his PhD. He didn't tell you that he cannot wait for the day he can properly be with you. Right now, today he is not going to date anyone. This could change tomorrow. Or sooner, or in a month. But it's none of your concern - he saw you settle for scraps, jump to accommodate him squeezing you in like an after thought. I only dated extremely busy men. Why? Because back then I had an extremely intense grad school experience followed by 15 years in a highly unpredictable, busy, more than full time crazily competitve career. The guys who didn't have that just didn't get it especially because I was a woman. My husband and I were long distance the second time around we dated. For much of the 3 years we dated. I was working crazy hours and so was he. But we wanted to be together. Badly. We were both invested in this. It took work - the work of making flight arrangements, planning, hotels, getting permission from my bosses to work out of another city office so I could visit him. We made it work. We wanted each other. We wanted marriage and family so we flew all over the country to see each other about every 11 days while we were long distance. He actually just finished his PhD. He did it part time starting from when our son was 6 or 7 or so. While being really busy at his career. People make time for what they want. I said -very unusually -sometimes people actually are being genuine when they say "look I cannot do a relationship right now -I'm married to my work/PhD/my aging parents who need constant care" - but they don't treat you as an afterthought - they want to treat you properly so from the get go they are up front about what is going on and they hope in the future you will be available. Please stop grasping at straws here. My sense is part of your excitement was he was successful and a challenge and unavailable to you. I get it. I used to feel that way too. I was very attracted to certain unavailable guys. It's really a waste of time.
  16. But you were the only one trying hard to "make it work" - it shouldn't be one-sided or that hard. I think by telling him it would be "nice" if he came to see you you were annoying him -showing him again that you settled for scraps. Instead: "I love coming to see you. And it is a lot of traveling for me. So I suggest we take turns. Let's plan on when you're going to visit me. When does that work for you?" That way you're being direct, you're showing you're confident about your worth, you're confident about what seems fair. I think you made a mistake not making plans with your friends unless you were "100% sure" you weren't going to see him. Yes I agree that doesn't inconvenience friends but your friends sure got the message that you were casting them to the bottom of the barrel in case he could see you. I've been treated like that by friends and I did not like it. At all. I totally understood being second or third to family responsibilities or work responsibilities but my friend waiting around for some guy to decide whether he could see her as an afterthought/last minute regularly - no thanks. Once in awhile, sure. You put too much pressure on someone who was not that into you. Also he probably got annoyed by how you didn't take the hint and instead of being assertive -not confrontational, not naggy - assertive - you kept making indirect comments/complaining etc - for a really stressed busy person this just makes it worse. Obviously it's all circular -if he was as into you as you were into him then he'd have tolerated it and of course it wouldn't have happened as much because he'd have been putting in effort to see you.
  17. I had a first date in the early 1990s through a personal ad. My friend actually found him and knew he wasn't for her so she directed him to me. He was GORGEOUS. Second date I went even though I had a cold. So I didn't look my best (please note back then for whatever reason keeping a date even if you had a cold wasn't a big deal germ wise and we hadn't even kissed). I was in my 20s as was he. After the second date, right before Halloween he calls me and tells me his mom said she would take me for a makeover to learn how to wear more makeup. I was horrified. But stupid. So I agreed to another date and told him I agreed even though I was offended. Really stupid on my part. I was tempted to wear full Halloween makeup on our date but I didn't. Of course he never called me again. I saw years later he married a very pretty fashion designer. It's offensive to ask someone to improve how they choose to dress or makeup related stuff. Especially when you've first met. (Yes over the years I've given my husband fashion suggestions but it's been many years -he often will ask me about which tie to wear or where to get his hair cut, etc). One exception - totally fine to tell someone about a dress code for a work event or wedding etc. I dated someone who wore jewelry that wouldn't have been appropriate at a work event I wanted to take him to as my plus one and yes I asked him if he'd not wear it for the event - many years ago. He was insulted. But I had a good reason IMHO. Your reason is you don't like his face or appearance/style. Let him go and find someone who does.
  18. You showed him again and again you were willing to settle for scraps. Let me tell you I was on the other side where friends would cancel on me last minute because HE CALLED. It was sickening and really frustrating. Or meeting up with a friend and putting in the effort to find out that he had called so he was going to meet up with us last minute (when I wanted to just be with my friend and wouldn't have come out otherwise). Keep things even. Stop dropping everything like that for someone who is not dropping everything for you. He wasn't that into you and to work on a PhD as he was it's completely possible to be in a serious relationship and long distance--- if - this is a big if--- you are into the other person enough. And sometimes what happens is a person who is over the moon about another person tells that person "I want to be with you more than anything. Right now I can't. I am working on a PhD that is really overwhelming and I also will be flying all over the country for interviews. I don't want to risk not being a good partner. I will be in touch when this is over and if you are still interested and available we will talk." This is unusual but I do know of situations like this and the person legitimately is not going to pursue anyone else and will hope his person is still interested later. But he wanted to be able to see you at his convenience and wasn't that into you so you were not even close to number one on the priority list. And your jumping as high as he asked and dropping everything showed you to be someone with low self esteem even if you didn't mean it that way. That doesn't really trigger attraction or a spark. I'm sorry!!!
  19. I think this is part of having a sexual arrangement with a friend. The arrangement is to have sex when you're both in the mood. If one person is no longer into it for any reason then the sexual arrangement is over. There was no relationship beyond this sexual interaction. The friendship is separate. In a committed relationship the friendship is all bound up with the rest -it's a complete package not separate because the two people care about each other and want to be together and show it in a number of ways depending on lots of factors. Even in a casual dating relationship it's the same -the two people get together for dates, activities, to talk and they also are physically affectionate and /or sexual but the focus is not on the sexual arrangement. What you are experiencing is the downside of a sexual arrangement -he's decided he'd rather have sex with someone else and he's decided he'd rather not have sex with you anymore. Perhaps he felt the need to give you excuses because you two are friends as well (if you still are -that's the other risk of a sexual arrangement) - but bottom line is he'd prefer to have sex with someone else. The only reason it matters that the someone else is male is because you might want to consider getting checked for STDs since he may have been exploring his attraction to men while having intercourse with you as it seems that this is a new type of sexual arrangement for him. Consider that sexual arrangements might not be worth the downsides for you. You got involved with your ego and you seem to have unrealistic expectations about what this is other than an arrangement to meet up for intercourse when you're in the mood. They are worth it for some people of course.
  20. Very sorry to hear about your loss. Are the reactions you are seeing mostly on social media? Please please let yourself be. There are no shoulds. My dad and I were not close. He struggled with mental illness for at least 65 years of his life. I forgave him for what had gone on once I was in my 30s. He died when I was 50. It was mostly a relief for my mother and my sister and me because he'd been so sick and struggling the last year especially. It wasn't a way to live. I didn't feel much. I did love and respect him. I remember a well meaning friend calling me and before really asking how I was doing went into this whole dramatic monologue about losing a parent, how I must be feeling etc. She'd been very close with her dad and he died when she was a younger adult. I said to her that no I didn't feel that way, we weren't close and no need to assume I was feeling that. She was put off. But you know what -it's my father, I experienced the loss, I'm allowed to express it in whatever way I feel like. So are you. But here's the thing - my father died 5 years ago and I find myself in the last year remembering so much -so much of what he gave me, did for our family, did for the world. I am not sad but I am much more emotional about it, more focused, more thoughtful. I share the memories with my son, I ponder how I got to where I am because of his devotion and loyalty despite his horrible mental illness, etc. So you never know when or how it's going to come up. If it does. If it doesn't just be compassionate with yourself -because there are no shoulds. I'm sorry for your loss!
  21. Please do not contact him again -it looks desperate. Silence on his side = not interested. What he always says doesn't matter -there is no always anymore for sure -you two are not together.
  22. I wouldn't try to guess. I would give him twice the space he seems to need and let him sort out his internal doubts and confusion on his own. Tell him to contact you only if he is 100% sure he wants to get back together and if you are still interested and available you'll consider it . He doesn't need to be interested in anyone else -as Meg Ryan says in You've Got Mail as she and her boyfriend break up "it's the dream of someone else". He's not being clear because he doesn't know. Take his I Don't Know to mean "I don't want to be with you." Otherwise you take on the role of therapist or buddy or sounding board and that's "helpful" but a real turn off overall because you'd be settling for scraps. Let him miss you, experience life without you and you live your life. I'm sorry this is so upsetting!
  23. I think he simply needs to make different choices in how he treats people. He can also choose not to get drunk -if he chooses to get drunk he chooses the consequence. That might require "work" or might not. He absolutely can give to others while he's making better choices. But you were making choices to accept disrespectful and bad treatment. In part, we teach people how to treat us.
  24. My friend in her 40s is married with three wonderful young kids. Today she drove her husband an hour to a hospital for his scheduled surgery. He has late stage colon cancer. He will be in the hospital for over a week and has been undergoing chemo. She had to quit her job she loves as a therapist. He is on medical leave. Just consider whether long term commitments are right for you in general whether or not you have or want kids.
  25. I too was going to comment in exactly this way. I'm glad at least he didn't hurt you physically when he threw the chair. And please don't describe yourself as a "good girlfriend" for accommodating him when he was drunk and unstable - you're a person not a therapy animal. It's not your job to take care of an inebritated adult to let him have "fun". Yes if he became ill then you can put him to bed, get him to drink water but you need not "take care" of him so he can have "fun" by being drunk.
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