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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Huge difference between being focused on looks and being attracted. Being attracted was always crucial to me. Whether he looked like arm candy or was objectively "smoking hot" was not. Yes in my 20s I thought i won the lottery because my boyfriend of a number of years was smoking hot. That was my mindset -I felt like you that it was some sort of prize or accomplishment. My mom would get all girly when she saw him because he was so damn cute. I'm really glad I changed that mindset and focused instead on chemistry and attraction -I've been over the moon attracted to men no one else would find attractive. But I was so attracted. Oh smoking hot boyfriend coincidentally got married the same year I did. We both married men. Of course not all smoking hot men are gay lol and he was incredibly sexual and hetero seeming when we dated - turns out he was confused -my point is that if you focus too much on looks it's kind of risky cause you can ignore other really important things or do harmful things like you did, having sex with a near stranger. It's not shallow to want to be attracted. And it's not shallow to focus so much on looks as you did again and again with what you wrote about this person and your speculation about how it would be easy for him to get other women. I dated many smoking hot guys - meaning objectively - and some I liked and some I didn't, some I was attracted to and some I wasn't. Looks do matter in dating but it's a separate issue whether the man has to be arm candy or "objectively" hot to others -if that's what you value understand you might have to compromise on other stuff on your list.
  2. I'm sorry you're so upset. I know of a number of divorced women who go a little "crazy" once they start dating again -doing risky stuff etc. I think it's fine to be teary eyed and know you're not quite ready. All in good time!!!
  3. How you wrote it and repeated again and again about his looks sure sounded like that. You have no idea if he is who he says he is. You did the right thing since he is not that into you for dating purposes.
  4. I think blocking is a dealbreaker for him - it's too much work on his part when he can find other sex partners or dates. Many people including me don't value "extremely attractive" like you do - many women simply are looking for a man they find attractive (whether anyone else would consider the person "smoking hot") and a man who they have stuff in common with and common values and standards to get to know over a period of time. So he will have his pick for sure of women who are focused on his physical features and up for casual sex. He will have his pick for sure if he is single and available -or when he becomes single and available - of women he meets "organically" if he also is a person of character and integrity. Nothing wrong with being smoking hot but don't tell yourself it's a slam dunk positive for everyone like it is for you. My husband is not, never will be (neither am I) and I love him to the moon and back and think he's adorable and handsome. I was looking at a really silly photo of him and my son today on my phone for the umpteenth time and laughed out loud -too loud as a younger cute guy looked back at me on the sidewalk. Did I notice Cute Guy? No not in that way -I was too busy chuckling and smiling at how my husband's silly selfie with our son makes me light up. Even though he's not smoking hot I won the lottery if after decades of knowing him I light up from seeing that photo. I hope you find that if you're looking for that -if you are I promise you you'll stop feeling like "smoking hot" is "winning the lottery". On it's own no it is not. IMHO.
  5. Because he may have already had a lot of sex locally and didn't want his girlfriend or wife to find out.
  6. You don't chase men but you had sex with a stranger? How does that work exactly LOL. So I think you're mixing apples and oranges. Don't date online. Let things happen organically whether the initial contact is in person, through an introduction or through a dating website. It doesn't matter how you first meet as far as letting things progress naturally. Get honest and clear with yourself. Your main almost sole focus with this guy was his looks. How is it winning the lottery just because of how someone looks if you say you're looking to date (meaning date not just meet sex partners). So if your focus is physical features "smoking hot" that's fine. Meet people who meet those standards and enjoy the sex/hook ups. But if you want proper dates then the focus has to be a bit more um well rounded. Not just whether the person is smoking hot. But whether the person's character/values/goals are compatible with yours. Whether you have things in common other than lusting after his looks/feeling like you won arm candy/a trophy. That takes getting to know someone over a period of time hopefully in public at first, hopefully with both of you sober. This person wanted sex early on. So did you or you would have said no. But you can't unring the bell and tell yourself "I don't chase men!" and then contact him even though he didn't ask you out for a proper date (he never did -you met a stranger off the internet and had sex -that's not a date and it's incredibly risky too whether or not you'd had "action" for years or not). He is entitled to meet up, have sex with a person who is single and willing and then choose not to see the person again whether or not he wants to continue bantering and chatting. And you are entitled to decide that after having casual sex you realize it wasn't a great idea, and that you'd like to properly date this person if he would like to date you. You're entitled and he's entitled to decline by choosing not to stay in touch other than as a chat buddy. You two want different things now. First, you wanted to meet a smoking hot guy -this was like winning the lottery. Once you met you wanted to have sex with him so you did. Then you regretted it and wanted to see if he wanted to date you. He doesn't. So move on. No it's nothing like rape and no he did nothing wrong. You just now want different things after meeting one time.
  7. OP if you have enough $ to think about buying a house then move out so you can live like an adult person and get perspective - move and do what you need to do to restrict your family's access to you. When I finally moved out at 28 after finishing grad school - not a dysfunctional family - it was a new world I had no idea I was missing out on, especially 100% financial responsibilities and independence. Helped me with my relationship choices too.
  8. This and also OP you can do telehealth. No need to go anywhere in particular.
  9. Is that really how low your standards are -and you're going to enter into buying property with this person -and before marriage? Really? Honestly it sounds like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel. How about "I want to marry someone I love, who loves me, and we show each other love regularly with small and big actions, we have chemistry and passion and also have our own interests and lives. He is my best friend, I feel at home with him" The "well he doesn't abuse me and we get along well -with the downsides being your family would be annoyed if you ended the relationship and he would need to seek psychiatric help apparently. Really? My son is 12 and we talk about his goals as far as marriage and family and if he ever said to me he'd settle for being with someone out of fear that if he left his partner and family would be upset so if the person doesn't abuse him and they get along ok -well that's good enough for him. Because that's what your children will absorb from their mother -they may not know all but they see /absorb things. My son used to call "divorced" "divided" when he heard of his friends' parents getting divorced -he's right - it's "divided" - you and your long term partner are "divided" on what's important because your foundation is based mostly on fear of what would happen if you left, not affirmative love and passion and a desire to give to each other. For sure please do not buy property with him if you are not married.
  10. Why are you buying a house with your boyfriend? Do you plan on marrying? Are you with him because "it's been 7 years?" Nice and sweet and caring -but on the other hand he thinks if you wear shorts it will trigger this other guy's attention and therefore you're not to wear them. Huh? Doesn't he trust you to make appropriate choices? Do you plan on having children with him? If so would you be comfortable with him giving your daughter the message that she has to dress so as not to invite male attention because if she does somehow it's her fault and/or she won't know how to react? What if you get a job where you have a business trip where one of the activities is beach volleyball - or a similar team building activity? Are you going to have to decline because your boyfriend wouldn't approve? How much of this is you're with him because it's too hard to look for someone else/you're afraid of being alone?
  11. I think having friends at work is a wonderful thing for so many reasons, personal and professional. I met my husband at work. I have very close friends I used to be colleagues and coworkers with. Avoid messiness by not become close personal friends with a boss or someone you supervise -that takes so much more work for boundaries. I'd avoid telling your boyfriend anything else about Emily. Have her be a nonentity in your life. Keep distancing. Good luck!
  12. Of course we all hope for the best/expect the worst but as my sister, mom of four, used to day "you never know what's going to come out" lol - so you may give birth to a child with profound special needs who will be loved and cherished but not able to interact like a typically developing sibling. And who might require a lot more of your time, money, attention, energy than a typically developing sibling. So in all I think having a child with special needs (I do not; many friends do) - is like all children an incredible blessing - all children are - but my point is that the expectation of "I had another child to give my child a sibling" may not work out exactly as you envision. Same with sibs who are typically developing but just very different/don't click.
  13. Thanks - I try my best. For me it was a negative emotionally.
  14. So I would say this despite the gender -she is interested in another person to a point where it's not just a harmless crush - I have been in both sides of the situation - where it was more than a harmless crush (and the guy didn't know and still doesn't know over 20 years later) but I actually did tell a boyfriend at the time because it was weighing on me too much and interfering with my ability to commit fully -meaning plan a future marriage. Not to hurt him - not because I was cheating at all -but because it directly interfered. On the other side is the harmless crush I had the last few years on a local tv/radio personality who I never met in person. I will never meet him or try to meet him. I don't crush on him anymore. I never told my husband -why? It might annoy him (meaning annoy him that I mentioned it) - and I knew for sure it was harmless. Yes I mentioned it to friends because it's so silly and no I wouldn't care if a friend mentioned it to my husband. Neither would he. So that's the analysis I recommend to the OP - she has to decide whether her feelings for this person interfere with her relationship. And whether she sees it as a symptom of wanting to be with other people -regardless of gender. I'd address this larger issue and not focus in on whether she feels she is actually a lesbian. Bisexual people of course get married and are just as loyal/committed as anyone else. The problem is in general when a person has a strong desire to explore outside the relationship- no matter the gender - and that can compromise the ability to commit fully.
  15. My advice. Stay away from Emily. Keep your interactions to polite impersonal matters at the very most. Do not respond/change the subject if she asks anything personal or shares anything personal. Respond to texts delayed. Do not agree to see her. If she ever were to do what you fear, she will look like the crazy one as long as you keep your distance. If your boyfriend is homophobic about finding out that you have been curious about women then you should not be with him. But if you plan on acting on your curiosity he deserves to know because that would be cheating and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. So far you haven't. Having a crush is fine. You don't need to share that. Stop telling Emily anything about who you meet up with including Rose. Emily is not your friend. Emily is not a stable person. Stay away from her. Do not talk about her behind her back either -stay in your lane -if others want to interact with her that is their choice. I think your boyfriend deserves to know if you cannot be fully committed to him because you're wondering about whether things would be better with a woman. Otherwise unless he asks you outright whether you've ever been really curious about sex with a woman no need to share and it would depend why he is asking. You figure out how important this curious part of you is to you and whether you need to be with someone who is tolerant of this sort of thing -meaning you're not 100% heterosexual just like many people are "hybrids" - but if this was just a one time small crush, no need IMHO.
  16. OP I think you should cut your losses and move on - first impressions mean a lot and the typing and chatting you did before meeting really isn't relevant -the first impressions are now a bit of a train wreck and she doesn't seem so into you. I'd invest my time and emotions somewhere else. I'm sorry.
  17. When I dated the man was the one who asked me out again 99% of the time. If I didn't want to see him I responded only if we already knew each other and it had to be safe for me to do so. I regret a couple of times when it ended up not being safe at all to respond with a genuine polite decline. At times it was increasingly harassing emails (very difficult to block back then) or very angry phone calls/voice mails. Including one time in 2005 when I'd called him to tell him (which was a white lie partly) that I didn't feel chemistry yet and since he lived kind of far away I didn't want to waste his time by having him drive to see me again . He thanked me profusely for my honesty. The next morning he sent me 6 emails with increasing anger and baseless accusations. Then an apology email. I responded to the first one I think with a "please don't contact me again". I'm sorry I'd called him. But, an hour later my ex boyfriend called me to set up a catch up dinner as we'd only seen each other once in almost 8 years. I figured - cool - he's one person I won't have to discuss my abysmal dating life with or these exhausting emails. We didn't discuss our dating lives. We were too busy feeling the sparks which we acted on about a month later by getting back together and married. So there was a really good result sort of from my decision to be "honest" with the clingster guy. To me it was perfectly honest when a man never called again after a few dates because silence =lack of interest. So I knew he didn't call because he didn't wish to ask me out again. Since this was someone I really didn't know or know well I didn't really need an "explanation". I was never confused. To me unless there was another date planned time and place there was no next date. I moved on and if he called again to ask me out then I considered whether to see him again. No state of confusion. I am very familiar with the term ghosting and how it is used today and today the way the people I know use it is in a situation where there is an established relationship. Sounds like your friends use it differently. Or other people. No biggie.
  18. I experienced tons of flakiness in meeting people in real life too No different than online But I was really strict with on line So if a guy said he would call me on Wednesday and called instead Friday with no apology or sincere explanation I was basically done And even with an apology if it kept happening I was done I think it works great for dating online or platonic friendships. Not at all relevant to a potentially in person romantic relationship and often very harmful even risky. Because too often you build up an image of the person or expectations such that it even can seem safe to meet at their home for example. Thinking the person is less of a stranger is is often harmful. One way to make the first meet more comfortable is to keep it short and know it’s not a real date. But yes for people who want to date online only and never meet it works fine of course. And works just fine for platonic friendships. I refused to meet anyone in person who wouldn’t speak by phone. It was my best way of screening out for safety and dealbreakers. I met over 100 men in person and communicated with hundreds. Only one did I talk online to for over a month. And one I stayed in touch with even though we were never going to meet for dating purposes. We became friends. We met years later when I was married and he was in my new city for a date with an online gal. And now he helps us with tech support and we’ve met for lunch a couple of times when he’s been in town to see family. I had many blind dates from 1984 or so on. Where I had no photos and was set up by friends or family. I set up many people on blind dates with no photos. So meeting people through personal ads or online sites was no biggie. I’m glad I didn’t let myself get attached to words on a screen or a video chat.
  19. I am aware of what it means and my understanding is it’s when you have a friendship or relationship with someone not after a few dates. Then cutting off communication is not ok if there’s an established relationship. I didn’t text anyone when I dated. I got a cell phone in 2009 when I was married and in my third trimester. I simply didn’t like cell phones But I could call from work or home and email and instant message. If I met someone once or twice and didn’t wish to continue communication I didn’t contact the person or respond since I wanted the same treatment. The response of “you’re SO amazing but I can’t be in a relationship right now / my socks need pairing / my cat is sneezing “ didn’t work for me. I preferred silence that early on and didn’t find it an act of “ghosting “. Silence is lack of interest at that stage not ghosting or something wrong she did. That’s the presumed “explanation “.
  20. Yes and I think the OP's lashing out at other women and their children is a sign of the low self esteem -instead of taking responsibility for her choices she's channeling her self-anger at other people including innocent kids.
  21. Yes, I have - and I suggest weil method of 4-7-8 breathing and a warm bath -no meds. It doesn't mean you're right together just that there's a high level of attraction and chemistry. I dated someone in my early and mid 20s I felt this way about -he also was so virile and hot and he was my first. We had intense chemistry together for a very long time, dated on and off for a few years. 15 years after we broke up we each got married - to men. Turned out he was conflicted in his early-mid 20s about his sexual orientation (could have fooled me -zero signs of it, awesome sex life) and after we ended things about a year later he started dating men. So the shaking and chemistry didn't mean we were right together. I felt that shaking thing with two other guys. One was a player (I was in my 30s) and the other ended up having an anger disorder (also in my 30s) so dealbreakers on both accounts. With my husband I don't remember shaking but that was because I'd known him for so many years before we got back together -I felt a very similar intensity but the shaking I think was more about this being someone I was over the moon about but also someone I didn't know at all so that was the source of the "adrenaline". I did "shake" the first time my husband and I kissed when we got back together -something like that but again I think it's due to the not knowing the person that often triggers the shaking. I hope you continue to get to know him and enjoy that!
  22. After three dates it would be nice of her to tell you if she's no longer interested but really you only had two real dates -you met as strangers then decided to go on a date. And yes don't communicate with a new person especially when you are drunk. After only a few dates it's really hard to tell if there is any potential. She probably met someone else she likes better/has more in common with. But it's not ghosting unless she made a date with you and didn't show up -which we used to call "standing the person up" - dating can be like this in the initial stages and I am sorry you're disappointed. Edited to add since you tend to get your hopes up I'd avoid exchanging more than a few messages and maybe one or two phone calls before meeting in person.
  23. If you want someone who potentially can love and respect you date single men and it's typically a good idea to wait to have intercourse until you know the person well and there are serious intentions since you claim to want something potentially serious. Married men can't date. Perhaps he is a player and if so you knew all that for a very long time. He didn't keep you hidden. You chose to keep seeing him under those circumstances. He didn't keep anything. You agreed to see him, have sex with him etc. You had nothing with him except a casual sex partner and mostly on his terms. So yes you would be "losing" the opportunity to have intercourse and sexual pleasure with this person.
  24. We have no idea if he's a good or bad person. For all she knows he is not married or is not married anymore. I don't think it's fair to judge him negatively. Yes if he is cheating that is an immoral and wrong choice. But if he is a person who likes having multiple partners -and is not cheating -that's ok - nothing wrong with it. And she willingly has sex with him knowing that. He's not using her - two people can have casual sex without using each other.
  25. I don't think it's because you're not good enough it's just that he might have found someone else he is more sexually attracted to and who is even more available than you are to give him sexual pleasure. That's not about you not being "good enough" - you two have a sexual arrangement where you make yourself available when he is horny and wants to have sex with you (or when one of the others isn't available). Has nothing to do with whether you are good enough for a man who is single and wants to date women or is looking for a serious relationship. Your sexual interactions with him have nothing to do with two people who are looking to date each other.
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