Inlove

No. He wanted it. He was trying to work out when to come down at weekends and that’s one of the big factors. She said o instantly to a weekend because she wanted to watch me run.

Ok. So an update. And am sure many shake heads, but things are back on. he was down this weekend and we saw each other twice by chance too. Once yesterday I was walking out the pub and she was crossing the road in front of me. Quick 5 min chat and I knew it was over between us for some reason. So I asked if she could pop over next day (as I need her to look me in the eye and say no more meeting and to walk away). Today I was there with a mate and was just about to head in to get another and she went past on bike and chatted for a couple of minutes. These were both those sliding door moments. 1 min later/earlier and she would not have seen me. again, I knew it was over in my mind. She popped over later and to my surprise she said that it wasn’t over. She couldn’t stop thinking about me, missed me. Realised that I do make her really happy. She is gutted for the hurt both of us have had. I think there was a bit of closure needed between them. I didn’t know this but when they split last year there was unanswered stuff. we talked, I told her how I felt and she agreed. I told her that if she wants make a go of it with me she has to be certain in her mind. She went home, rang him and told him that was her decision. it’s going to be a tough few weeks still. I need to be ok with everything and she needs to rebuild a few things with me but it’s what we both want. I know people will say I have been weak, but I love her to bits and there is something between us neither can let go. I wish this hadn’t happened but am so happy for this chance. if I am honest, this morning I would have said 5% chance or less. Am In shock but for me it’s a no brainier. It is last chance though. Any more doubts like that and I will walk away and said that.

Thanks all. I do know that it is not the attention she likes. I think she would prefer if she genuinely did not love both. I think she under estimated how much she felt for me. We are both to blame for stuff happening in the last month. I also know that he was the one driving it so I don’t think there are any games there. I am annoyed with myself for this too. I should have tried to nip in the bud earlier. I should have given an ultimatum earlier and said this is not acceptable. I also feel a bit of an idiot. And yes rainbows and roses, that’s the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. The only positive for me is that it’s leading to a bit of anger and hate (in a good way) which hopefully will make things easier to get over. luckily am seeing friends for next couple of days.

I don’t really know what she is thinking. In another world we could be great friends so I get the wanting to stay in contact (from her perspective ) But I know that i was a backup, I cannot be friends with someone I fancy so much and seeing how she was with me last week the same for her. I don’t want to be a bit on the side and in fairness I don’t think she would do that. am probably not strong enough to say no contact. We have some good friends in common and I wouldn’t want her using that as an excuse to bad mouth me for being spoilt, not that I think she would. Also we will see each other in the course of our lives, be it out for walks and passing each other, down local pub - we live in small villages 2 miles apart and kids work together. Funnily enough I remember seeing her in the pub before we met. Also, at this moment I don’t trust my feelings. While I am fine with not replying I genuinely don’t know how I would react if she said next week it was rubbish and I am the choice. A week ago I would have snapped her arm off in joy. This week, I really don’t know. I can’t turn off the love just yet, but neither could I jump back into something with the hurt i am feeling. That will probably come but I need to make that decision myself like the not messaging back.

Yeah. The killer for me was when I messaged her to say I can’t keep up with this, too confusing etc but why not spend the weekend with me not him and walk away from him (after the last weekend we had). Her response was some of the normal… what i said makes sense etc then “as i need to convince myself of the reasons why it won’t work with him” sorry that’s lame. that instantly made me feel 2nd best surely it should be the one that you think is the best? I did sort of get it as that itch would not be there, whereas if she walked from him would he be in back of mind forever, but no, that’s was the line which did it for me she messaged this morning seeing how I am, not responded and not planning to

I am not too sure on those friends. Both were living apart for a bit but bith sets had kids together so there would always be contact.

Don’t get me wrong, my heart thinks about her all the time but it’s this 2nd weekend. Surely the first was good enough to decide. Was happy to be flexible and open for a bit but enough is enough. Thanks for the support.

Not from last week although knew about the walk. At the start he didn’t really think we were that serious but now knows it was.

So, after a week of sitting in the fence, I have walked away. it was tough as their weekend was just “ok” and there was a couple of things that annoyed her about him. She said that she missed me lots and yes we kissed. The next night I went round and had the most amazing sex we have had and I was hopeful. But what killed it was him coming down next weekend. It was that told me enough is enough. how long could this go on for? What if it’s just fine then too. She keeps saying she could see a future with either but I don’t even know if she knows what the end goal looks like. At least if she said she would go for the bigger bank balance that’s a logical decision. But I can’t face another weekend of feeling like i did. If the time we spent together the other day doesn’t prove it for her then what will? what i needed was to get to this decision myself. But in the end I had to give an ultimatum, choose me now or let’s leave it, I feel I have been patient and fair. So it will be tough now, miss her dreadfully and despite everything there is no hate. As for staying friends, in theory I would 100% but that will take ages for me to stop feeling this way so that will have to take a back seat too.

I am realistic, as I put in a post just now, I know the odds are stacked against me. I need that hope to be extinguished and only she can tell me that after the weekend just gone.

That’s not an option and not one she would choose either.

Simple, she took a while to end the relationship and it was a tough decision, made only because the itch of the ex would not go away if ignored. Then the stuff said last week, the nice messages, saying she was not excited about him coming down, that there were things that annoyed/concerned her. The whole point of meeting was to see if that spark is still there so 3 things could happen 1) the most likely imo. They met and felt like they had not been apart, it felt natural and with hindsight an easy decision to make and are going to build a future. 2) more confusion. It was good but she is still struggling with feelings for me. My counsellor thought this could be quite likely but I don’t. 3) she did not have that spark she thought she would and realises what we had was stronger. Not that likely imo so yes, I have no idea how she is thinking. I could walk away now emotionally but what if it’s 3? If she says 1) then that is it. She has chosen and is happy with that choice. Painful for me but easier for me to move on and the only issue is then when/how does a friendship issue arise. If 2) then I would have to tell her it needs to be 1) or 3). I can’t be in limbo anymore as it’s doing me in. If it’s 3) then initial joy followed by serious thinking like how do I know this won’t surface again etc. if I think about the odds I would say 70% 1), then 20-25% 2) then 5-10% for 3). That’s why I need her to tell me after the weekend they have had where her head is. That’s the closure I need, at the moment there is a small amount of doubt. Being told 1 gives that closure

Well, I have avoided messaging, even though she wished me a good trip yesterday (away for two days). this has really hit home and become real, the ex is down for a few days and that has made this whole thing become real if that makes sense. It is tough thinking what she is doing and me being “replaced “. But it is what’s needed as feeling more “in control” and questioning a few things including if we stay friends. She is due to pop rounds weds after work and I guess that’s when I find out how the weekend has been. That will be the closure then i think.

Agree. That was bought home yesterday.

Really good advice. And something that I think works for me as you say. It puts a clear line between us.