Should I ghost this woman I’ve been dating or am I missing another angle?

[psycho magnet]

So I’ve been seeing this woman for about the past three months. First date, lots of chemistry. She’s my type and I’m very attracted to her. Second date, even more chemistry and I walk her to her car and kiss her at the end.

Third date, we go out and she comes back to my place. We get very physical and she ends up staying the night but no sex yet (2^nd base). I tell her that I’m pretty into her and she says she’s really into me. We talk about our intentions with the relationship. She just got out of a 10 year marriage only a few months back so she says she doesn’t want to go head on into a relationship yet even though she really likes me.

I totally get it (I do) and we agree to keep seeing each other while going on dates with other people. But, we also agree that we will not get intimate with anyone else and if we do and/or want to we will immediately tell the other person. We will only be physically/sexually intimate with each other.

She eventually does tell me that she met someone else she has some interest in. They kissed, but she says after that she realized she only wanted to be his friend. She says I'm still number one. She asks me if I’ve been seeing other people too as we talked about. I say yes because it’s true, I have gone on other dates. But I don’t give her any more info and we move onto another topic.

We keep hanging out, getting to know each other better. We have good rapport intellectually and physically. We get to third base, then eventually in the last month home plate (that is, sex). We usually hang out a couple times a week. We even take a trip together to a nice winery for the weekend and have a great, romantic time. Or so I thought…

On the way back from the winery, everything seems fine and we talk about the next time we’re gonna see each other. I tell her I’m busy the following weekend because I already have plans with friends, so I suggest Wednesday or Thursday. Many times in the past we’ve hung out on those days. She seems enthusiastic about it and agrees. We text back and forth a couple times Monday and Tuesday (neither of us are big texters).

But then Wednesday morning she sends me a voice message saying that she can’t see me this week but we can see each other next week. She sounds a bit more distant. This isn’t totally abnormal, both of us have broken dates before when stuff came up. I don’t respond back and just figure she’ll let me know when she can hang next week.

I don’t hear from her until Monday of this week in the morning. She still sounds a bit more distant and says she’s been really busy, but asks if we can hang out Friday (as in today). I respond after work in the evening on Monday and say I have Friday and Saturday free, which is true. I ask her if she wants to come over (she often just comes over) or go out and do something.

She doesn’t get back to me until Thursday (yesterday) to say that she’s actually going out with friends Friday but can we do Saturday? She does apologize for not getting back earlier and says she thought we could go out to eat on Saturday. I haven't responded to her yet and don't think I will.

When I didn’t hear back from her I had already made plans with friends, so now I can’t go out with her anyway. But my question is, should I just let this connection go? I feel like her apparent emotional distance, taking longer to get back, etc. are indications that she probably found another guy she’s more into. Maybe she’s already friend-zoned me.

My inclination is to not text her back, forget about her, and move on. But I’m here to see if anyone has a different take from what I’ve written. Another possibility would be to just ask her straight up if she’s met another guy and/or if I’ve been friend-zoned. Or, I could just nonchalantly say let’s hang out next week and see what happens.

But the vibe I’m getting from her is that she’s taking me more and more for granted, suggesting it’s time to move on.

[Batya33]

After three months of steady dating and having sex I'd call her -or schedule a call if needed -or meet in person and talk about where you two stand with each other.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, psycho magnet said:

 we agree to keep seeing each other while going on dates with other people. But, we also agree that we will not get intimate with anyone else and if we do and/or want to we will immediately tell the other person. We will only be physically/sexually intimate with each other.She eventually does tell me that she met someone else she has some interest in. They kissed, 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately this nebulous exclusive but dating others arrangement is a recipe for headaches,  headaches and confusion. For example now you're both busy with "friends" and the interest level is tapering off. 

Either she found someone else and is giving up on this bizarre arrangement or she is  simply checking out altogether.

If you want to continue to date try to clarify what's going on and suggest actual exclusive dating or just set each other free. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

The only person who knows for sure what is going on with her is her. Anything you think or we come up with is speculation that might be compleltely off base. Maybe she has lost interest. Maybe she's had something stressful come up that has been distracting her. It could be anything. The only way to find out is to talk with her and clarify exactly where you stand and what you both want out of the relationship. 

If you do have such great chemisty and connect intellectually, then you should be able to talk through wahtever is happening. You seem to care about her, so why would you ghost her? Her not responding is hurting you. Wouldn't it follow that you doing the same thing would just end up hurting her? Why would you want to intentionally choose to do that? Talking with her could show it was a misunderstanding or that she had a valid reason for not being available. You could resolve it and go right back to things being great again. Or you realize you need a break from things. Either way, wouldn't you like to know for sure? Wouldn't you like to have a chance at making it work? Or do you just want to give up and always have the lingering doubt in your mind of what happened?

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

We keep hanging out, getting to know each other better. We have good rapport intellectually and physically. We get to third base, then eventually in the last month home plate (that is, sex). We usually hang out a couple times a week. We even take a trip together to a nice winery for the weekend and have a great, romantic time. Or so I thought…

On the way back from the winery, everything seems fine and we talk about the next time we’re gonna see each other. I tell her I’m busy the following weekend because I already have plans with friends,

Sorry bro, but the second bolded is where it all went downhill from a woman's perspective.  Or my perspective anyway.

First time sex is a very big deal for most women, and even though the arrangement until sex happened was casual (meet/date other people), her heart may have said something different once you became sexually intimate.

So when you announced you were "busy" and had made plans with friends (and during the weekend no less), I am imagining the wind left her sails and she thought it best she start distancing herself so as to not get hurt.

2 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

Wednesday morning she sends me a voice message saying that she can’t see me this week but we can see each other next week. She sounds a bit more distant. This isn’t totally abnormal, both of us have broken dates before when stuff came up. I don’t respond back and just figure she’ll let me know when she can hang next week.

Second bolded was pretty much the nail in the coffin.  I mean to just ignore her message?  You're dating this woman, you have been sexually intimate, you don't ignore a message and "figure she will just let you know when she can hang next."

That's just rude, I'm sorry.

Anyway, because you both pretty much suck at communicating and have not been emotionally honest with each other, signals got crossed, each of your actions got misinterpreted by the other, in other words a stalemate.

I would reach out to her the sooner the better, schedule a time to talk face to face, stop HIDING from each other and be totally transparent with her about what you want and encourage her be transparent with you about what SHE wants.

No games.

 

 

[psycho magnet]

Thanks, you all convinced me to try at least one more time with her. I do care about her, and I do want to know for sure. I also realize that we have both communicated in ways that could be misinterpreted. I've been doing the dating thing for too long to play any more games.

I just sent her a voice message that, if she wants, is an invitation for us to talk it over either in person or on the phone. I told her I couldn't hang tomorrow (which as I said is true, I now have plans) but that I would really like to hang with her this coming week. I said that I missed her (true). But I also said that I felt like she was being distant and that I wanted to make sure she still felt the same way. I said that it's perfectly ok if she's lost romantic interest, but that I hope she would be honest with me if she has. 

To me this is the beginning point. If the romantic interest is gone and I'm friend-zoned, I'm out (as I always am when that happens). But if it's still there, then we can talk more about where we go from here.

Thanks again y'all. 

[catfeeder]

Glad you reached out to her. Where I heard the record scratch was when you didn’t respond to her cancellation message. After that, you appeared to have given her a choice between Friday and Saturday. While I can appreciate that it was irritating to not hear from her until Thursday, it doesn’t need to reach the level of flat out ghosting.

I agree with @rainbowsandroses that announcing the weekend was off the table immediately following sex may have struck this woman as dismissive, and so she’s likely protecting her heart. If you want to attempt to reverse that sinking spiral, I’d use care and gentleness rather than cold rationalizations when dealing with her. You have nothing to lose by operating from a position of having possibly hurt her feelings at a vulnerable time, regardless of whether that makes logical sense to you or not.

Fingers crossed for you!

[ShySoul]

Glad your giving it another try. Your message was clear and fair. Hope it works out for you.

Your situation, while understandable, was also bound to lead to some confusion and issues. You are each other's first option. You're more then just a casual date, but not an actual relationship? At a certain point you were going to need to have a talk and work this out. It's not sustainable to be in such an uncertain place. Eventually both of you need to decide if being together is what you really want. She needs to be willing to open herself and be vulnerable or she will risk losing everything. And you need to figure out how close you can actually be with her before you need real commitment.

I also see a possibility that she pulled back not because of your acts, but because she was scared by her acts. She said she didn't want to have a serious relationship. And yet, she slept with you. Maybe she felt she was getting to close, having serious feelings she didn't think she was ready to face. She also pulled back after kissing the other guy, so pulling back might be a natural defense for her. 

Regardless of her reason, it is best to handle things gently and with compassion. You care about each other, so be fair and understanding. Work together. Neither of you want to hurt the other, so approach with love.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, understand that if she just got out of a marriage and told you she doesn't really want to have a full-on relationship, this probably wasn't going anywhere anyway. 

You can see how she responds to your latest communication, but it doesn't come across that either of you is very interested in the other anymore. 

[Kwothe28]

I think she just met somebody else. Which isnt that surprising when you yourself didnt take her on exclusivity. So she just fades away slowly now. Its important to distinct those two. If you are "casuals" and you didnt want to proceed further, she doesnt owe you anything. Including seeing you.

I also think you at least owe her a text message. Its kinda rude to just cut contact without any explanation after 3 months.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

Thanks, you all convinced me to try at least one more time with her. I do care about her, and I do want to know for sure. I also realize that we have both communicated in ways that could be misinterpreted. I've been doing the dating thing for too long to play any more games.

I just sent her a voice message that, if she wants, is an invitation for us to talk it over either in person or on the phone. I told her I couldn't hang tomorrow (which as I said is true, I now have plans) but that I would really like to hang with her this coming week. I said that I missed her (true). But I also said that I felt like she was being distant and that I wanted to make sure she still felt the same way. I said that it's perfectly ok if she's lost romantic interest, but that I hope she would be honest with me if she has. 

To me this is the beginning point. If the romantic interest is gone and I'm friend-zoned, I'm out (as I always am when that happens). But if it's still there, then we can talk more about where we go from here.

Thanks again y'all. 

I'm also glad you chose to reach out to her -and I would refrain from putting such charged emotional stuff in a voice message or typing it - just make a plan to see her, say you miss her -done- you've been inside her body plus dating for months -this sort of thing deserves a one on one in person or phone call.

[smackie9]

Why she went distant is anyone's guess. It's possible she's reluctant to really get involved with someone at this time and would rather build a new social life/get involved with friends more, etc. Me personally would never attempt to date anyone fresh out of a marriage/relationship...especially a 10 year one. She has a lot of catching up to do.

Give her one more chance to talk...if not, just vaporize.