Spin-Off of Thread 'When You Look Good, You Feel Good (Now Locked at My Request)

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey guys, I had requested my previous thread be locked but before the lock it took a turn in the direction I had originally intended and thought it might be a great discussion!  Hence this new thread and apologies for any confusion...

Anyway, thank you @boltnrunfor your thoughts and it's interesting that for you it's the opposite - when you feel good, you look good!  I think another poster had mentioned same, or perhaps even a few posters. 

@greendots had posted:

>>Looking presentable, I strongly believe, is something you do every day. Every day you show up at work, you dress appropriately for work. Not just on that first interview. Why? Because work matters to you. Why not be like that in your own personal life? Don't we matter?

Does it mean that jeans and t-shirts are out? Or that we have to wear make-up every day? Of course not. Dress according to the occasion, and whatever you wear make sure clothes fit you, are clean, and you smell nice.

Be yourself, but aim to be the best version of yourself!<<

THIS^ entire post really resonates with me, I could have written it myself!  Albeit not as articulately, so thank you to @greendots.  I agree with you 100%.

I am actually not one to get all dolled up, my style is very low key and casual, especially here in SoCal.  But like @greendotssaid, I am always well put-together, clean and although I am not one for designer fashion necessarily (I don't rule it out I just don't pay much attention to who the designer is), I take pride in wearing stylish clothing that flatters me and depicts my style.  Even a pair of jeans and a t-shirt!   Very little makeup as I stated earlier, but I do take great pride and effort in maintaining my skin/complexion, same with my hair wearing a style that flatters my face etc. 

I do this in every day, and first meets/dates are no different.  The only time I switch it up to more dressy/formal with a bit more makeup is for special occasions when it's appropriate to do so.

BUT since my date sort of called me out on it, I began thinking about how much focus I DO place on my appearance and how it affects my overall mood and such.  I think it may because of my mom and although I am not "status conscious" like she was, I think I DO care a little too much about how I appear to myself and others and wondering again (as stated in my previous thread) if I do have something lacking within my inner core and I compensate for that through my appearance.  I am going to think more about it.

My mom was a former professional model and growing up there was SOOOOO much focus around looks (including weight), my mom was obsessive about it and I even developed a very serious eating disorder because of it!!  Which I have healed from however, even though it was many years ago, I still struggle sometimes.

Anyway, I really do wish I could be more relaxed about it like @boltnrun described herself to be.  Caring but not overly so, not to the point it affects her mood or causes her think badly about herself.

Re my date.  In retrospect and after reading some of the later responses, I do think I may have over-reacted.  I mean he does possess some of the qualities I have stated I admire such as being his own man, living for himself, dancing to his own drummer.  He's also quite good looking, I thought so before meeting him in person and being thrown off by his nonchalant and rather slovenly (imo) style.

He's also a successful local business owner so he's no slouch in that regard.

I don't know, but I think my reaction stemmed from being thrown off by his style and demeanor which I am not used to.  IOW, I "expected" something else, I expected HIM to be "something" other than who he was and my reaction reflected that.

I am probably just gonna leave it be and not reach out, but just wanted to say that what a great eye-opening and learning experience it was!  It allowed me to take a deeper look into my inner core and realize a few things about myself that I am NOT going to ignore.

If anyone wants to further chime in, I am open!! 💛

 

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  since my date sort of called me out on it, I began thinking about how much focus I DO place on my appearance and how it affects my overall mood and such.  I  (including weight), my mom was.

He's also a successful local business owner so he's no slouch in that regard.

Perhaps the silver lining is that he defended himself and that provided food for thought, even though you're not a match..

"'When You Look Good, You Feel Good" might be a nice slogan for your business but it's not an appropriate first date lecture.  

There's some cliches like "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and "you don't have a second chance to make a first impression". So perhaps the date wasn't a total failure if you gleaned something from it? 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's some cliches like "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and "you don't have a second chance to make a first impression". So perhaps the date wasn't a total failure if you gleaned something from it? 

Yes exactly thanks! 

[Batya33]

In my situation where the man showed up disheveled and sloppy -almost looking unhoused -one of the reasons I was particularly put off is he knew that the bar we were going to meet at for a drink was high end.  I absolutely wasn't going to walk into the bar area with him dressed that way. I wasn't dressed fancy but absolutely fine for that sort of bar/restaurant.  I probably came from work so -business casual.  To me if you are an adult and you make plans to meet at X place you dress appropriately for X place. 

On the general topic - funny thing today related - I had my annual skin check.  She checks my scalp.  My hair was freshly washed.  Which I did specifically because of the appointment. But I am long overdue for a cut/color and have an appointment in a few weeks.  So jokingly I said to her "oh just ignore the gray roots".  She didn't really get the lighthearted joke which is fine.  (Her hair of course is perfect including color lol).  But I realize -why would I feel at all self-conscious -with a dermatologist?? I'm totally clean and dressed appropriately in a paper gown open to the back LOL.

[Jaunty]

What type of business does this guy have?  Just generally - I'm curious about whether he can be that casual all the time or if he has to "dress up" for work.

My buddy who is a very successful contractor ALWAYS looks like he's going to a construction site,  his wife has to badger him to put on a better shirt and bag the suspenders if they are going out to a barbecue or something.   

[catfeeder]

I hear, RR. My Mom was a well known hair stylist in town, so I grew up to the model of being fully dressed and made up before leaving the house. She didn't want to be spotted by customers looking frumpy. This impacted me in ways I didn't understand because it was all I knew. Also not helpful were her critical comments of people who were messy and "had no pride" after we'd pass them in public.

This mindset was something I had to 'unlearn' over time, but I'm glad I did--to whatever degree. That's the qualifier I'll use, because I'll admit that I easily related to your reaction to the guy you met.

So how we were raised has a larger impact on some of us than on others. For instance, I had to be fully dressed in my 'Sunday best,' complete with a doily-like thingus on my head for Catholic mass when I stayed with my grandparents on school vacations and summers. You wouldn't believe the holy h3LL they raised when their church introduced casual services where people could wear jeans. They would have rolled in their graves had they seen the girls at my Catholic university showing up in pajama bottoms for morning classes. Today, I'm not even a practicing Catholic, but I'd still never step foot on a church property without a decent outfit--sans the head thingie.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you are lacking. But maybe there's still a part of you that has trouble relaxing and feeling ok when you aren't looking your best, maybe it's from all the conditioning that you'd get nagged and judged at if you weren't. Just your mom putting her own insecurities on you, but you were too little to not be impacted by that.

I hope it's ok I address this part of your post! It got me thinking too! My mom was the opposite of yours, she really took a lot of pride in being "down to earth". I mean, she was a natural beauty. She got attention no matter what she wore. But to the point, so I felt weird about occasionally wanting the expensive dress or brand. 

It's only an issue if it limits you being able to live how you want fully. Funny all the ways  things can stick with us. 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

What type of business does this guy have?  Just generally - I'm curious about whether he can be that casual all the time or if he has to "dress up" for work.

It's a popular cookie establishment so no he doesn't need to dress up, he can look as scroungy as he likes, lol.

He brought me a box of assorted to our meet (warm straight from the oven) which I thought was very thoughtful and the cookies were amazing!!  He has owned and operated it for years.  I shared them with my co-workers.

One of my gf's said she thought he was testing me to see how into "appearances" I was since he's so NOT into appearances, status or any of that.  He drives a truck.  Nothing fancy.

He sent me another message today which strangely did not turn me off.   He didn't beg for another chance but said in a jokey way "he promises to clean up nice." LOL   Again it was said in a jokey fun way, and it did make me smile and again, strangely I was NOT turned off.  He appears to be quite confident and have a "go-getter" type of personality.

Call me crazy, but I am beginning to rethink my reaction and decision, I have not decided anything as of yet though.

But I do need to respond to him, sooner rather than later.  I am leaning towards meeting him again "just to see."  This time with a more open and less judgy mind.

I will keep you yall posted.

 

 

[boltnrun]

Do you think that perhaps, despite your initial defensiveness on your other thread, maybe you are considering adjusting your mindset regarding how someone chooses to dress versus their character or compatibility?

You were extremely turned off, saying he appeared "unhoused" and almost seemed offended by his choice of attire. What is making you rethink? Do these threads help you think out loud so to speak?

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You were extremely turned off, saying he appeared "unhoused" and almost seemed offended by his choice of attire. What is making you rethink? Do these threads help you think out loud so to speak?

Yes and in reading back my previous thread, my reaction was WAY over the top, overly defensive, even how I reacted and responded to some of you!  Which was so off base, and I apologize.  I know each and every one of you were trying to help.

TBH I don't know even now what my real issue was/is.  It's like one extreme to the other!  Perhaps a fear of some sort, I don't know.  

Yes these threads DO help me think out loud and also to put things in proper perspective.  Perhaps not at first, it takes a bit for it all to sink in and for me to "get it."

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you think that perhaps, despite your initial defensiveness on your other thread, maybe you are considering adjusting your mindset regarding how someone chooses to dress versus their character or compatibility?

You were extremely turned off, saying he appeared "unhoused" and almost seemed offended by his choice of attire. What is making you rethink? Do these threads help you think out loud so to speak?

I think I wrote unhoused about my first meet. I don't think RR did. And he did appear so -I was not judging -had I seen him on the street I would have not been surprised if he was unhoused.  I was offended that he was so disheveled looking knowing where we were going - luckily it was a large mall like building (much fancier than a regular mall) with a bookstore that had a small cafe.  He didn't smell of alcohol but he also seemed to be maybe on something.We sat for 30 minutes and then I said I had to go -I'm quite certain I paid for my own coffee or water as I wanted  to make a quick exit.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes and in reading back my previous thread, my reaction was WAY over the top, overly defensive, even how I reacted and responded to some of you!  Which was so off base, and I apologize.  I know each and every one of you were trying to help.

TBH I don't know even now what my real issue was/is.  It's like one extreme to the other!  Perhaps a fear of some sort, I don't know.  

Yes these threads DO help me think out loud and also to put things in proper perspective.  Perhaps not at first, it takes a bit for it all to sink in and for me to "get it."

I don't like how he spoke to you on the first meet -at least how you described it -I do like how he is bantering with you and --- cookies!!!!

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't like how he spoke to you on the first meet -at least how you described it -I do like how he is bantering with you and --- cookies!!!!

Thanks Bat.  Yeah we had a great rapport and banter before we met in person and I went off the rails...  lol

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

.He brought me a box of assorted to our meet (warm straight from the oven) which I thought was very thoughtful and the cookies were amazing!!  He has owned and operated it for years. 

One of my gf's said she thought he was testing me to see how into "appearances" I was since he's so NOT into appearances, status or any of that.  He drives a truck.  Nothing fancy.

He sent me another message today which strangely did not turn me off.   

He seems to have a lot of class and self confidence.  It seems he tried to impress you but with who he is and what he's about rather than neatly ironed outfits.  No one would judge you for having another look because he does seem to have some decent qualities that were overlooked.  

 

 

[yogacat]

RAR, I struggle with things from my past, we all do....

I grew up in a VERY abusive, dark environment, which is kinda funny considering I am now caring for out of the depths of my heart for the person that hurt me more than anyone. Granted, many years passed with me moving across state at a young age, but let's just say, he has done the work and is a completely different person than he was all those years ago.

But I get.

I understand that all too well and I know what it's like to put your date in the psyche of someone else. 

This date had you feeling like it was somehow a reflection of the way your mom dealt with you and your appearance, there is is a faint stain, reverberating uncertainty in your head that says "SEE!!"

But there's a shifting of the paradigm for you!

"The struggle" is in your past.

Even though this one individual showed up looking unkempt, does not mean there is something wrong with him. The behavior you saw in that moment, is the behavior you saw in that moment.

"No date or person thereafter could determine my worth"

I determine.

[rainbowsandroses]

I do recall saying that he looked like he was "homeless," "like a bum," and other not very nice things.  In retrospect he did NOT deserve that, he was actually very kind (until the end) and showed quite a bit of interest in me.  I also can't even recall how many times I virtually screamed "I am NOT attracted to him"!   

My reaction reminds of Frankie's (Michelle Pfeiffer) reaction to Johnny (Al Pacino) in the movie 'Frankie and Johnny' after Johnny told her he loved her. 

Course my date didn't tell me he loved me, we just met but again he made it quite obvious he was interested in me.  Nothing sexual, but very attentive, asking lots of questions, etc.

Below is the scene I am referring to.  They had just met also, they worked together at a diner and were not dating.

Anyway, I think it's about fear.  For HER that fear showed itself through anger, for me my fear showed itself as a sort of disgust.  She's been hurt badly, I have been hurt badly.  

Anyway below is the clip from the movie.  We are meeting again tomorrow night for a casual dinner.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

.  We are meeting again tomorrow night for a casual dinner....

Good call. Have fun. It does seem to resemble the typical meet-cute formula in romcoms where it's starts off antagonistically and they end up having spats and eventually fall for each other. Maybe that won't be the same here but it's going to be interesting at least to see him under different circumstances 

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

We are meeting again tomorrow night for a casual dinner.

You are certainly doing the work to keep an open mind, and I hope you have a wonderful time.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if he wears a tux?

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if he wears a tux?

I could see him doing that as a joke and yes it would be funny!  I don't think he will thought, he's big on being "real," which on one hand scares me but on the other hand it's what I have been wanting and gasp, needing for a very long time.

Course I still don't really know him obviously but yes I do have an open mind now so we shall see how this plays out tomorrow night...

Thanks for listening!

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if he wears a tux?

Or a flirty skirt with strapless sandals!  😉

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Or a flirty skirt with strapless sandals!  😉

No they're called "slides," remember?  lol 😝

[greendots]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

THIS^ entire post really resonates with me, I could have written it myself!  Albeit not as articulately, so thank you to @greendots.  I agree with you 100%.

You just made me smile. 🙂

So good to hear that you are giving this guy another shot! I hope dinner goes well for you!

Getting back to the topic of dressing well - unless you are a Brad Pitt look-alike or some form of Jennifer Aniston, you don't wear jogging pants to a date. Nor do you wear low cut baggy pants that give you a good look at some private parts I'd rather not see. Nor do I need to find out that soon what brand of underwear you buy, lol.

 

[Jaunty]

10 minutes ago, greendots said:

 

Getting back to the topic of dressing well - unless you are a Brad Pitt look-alike or some form of Jennifer Aniston, you don't wear jogging pants to a date. 

So ... "if you look good, you feel good" only applies to  clothes and grooming if you're not super attractive?  

[greendots]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So ... "if you look good, you feel good" only applies to  clothes and grooming if you're not super attractive?  

I was exaggerating to make a point, hehe. 🙂

Long time ago, I remember meeting this gorgeous looking woman who was wearing yoga pants, a basic tank with a cardigan and blue pumps. She looked incredible! She had the body and confidence to pull off that look. Plus, these beautiful pumps elevated those casual yoga pants.

Not everyone can wear joggers and look amazing on a first date. That's all I am saying. I still personally prefer it when some effort has been made, regardless of whether you are/aren't a Brad Pitt look-alike.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, its much too contrived. Its like you are trying to prove that you are not superficial by giving him another chance. Its fine that you didnt like him the first time from whatever reason. Its not the end of the world and you dont have to be most inclusive person out there. Lots of opportunities fall off for a good reason. But good luck on a date.