I [21M] was rejected at university but I want to get over it and be happy again

[TA_OAO]

I feel so pathetic for even typing this. This will be a HEAVILY abridged version of events as it would be too long to type, though I may update this post to add context created by comments asking questions/giving advice, so feel free! (because this will seem confusingly simply at first)

I started university 2 years ago and quickly entered a "friendship" group. I thought we got along okay, though I later discovered that none of them really liked me. I was mostly friends with one person in particular, let's call him Alex. We bonded fairly quickly since we both liked to check up on one another, seeing how they're feeling, family life, supporting one another etc. but slowly they started to pull away from me and seemed to dislike being near me. This culminated in them texting me that we're not compatible as friends, but they don't mind talking to me in class. I was extremely heartbroken that someone I considered a friend seemed to not feel themselves around me, but what made it worse is that the rest of the group spent the summer together. I spent that summer feeling extremely rejected and when I came back, i just felt like the odd one out. They're all real friends and i'm just the guy everyone has to tolerate being around.

It got so bad that I had to leave university because of how depressed I was over the way the situation played out. I've described the full scenario to the university's safeguarding team, multiple therapies and my family and keep getting back the same feedback; "these people sound awful", "i know it hurts", "you deserve better", "they sound extremely confusing" etc etc. But it's been a year now and i'm still not over it.

I'm set to go back to university (a different one) in September, but i'm still extremely sad and have no idea what to do anymore. I know WHY i'm sad (a mixture of rejection, emotional neglect and them representing my neglectful parents) but I don't know how to get over it..? any advice will be helpful (and i'll provide more context)

TLDR; I was rejected at university, left and now I don't know how to get over it and be happy with my life.

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

I'm set to go back to university (a different one) in September, but i'm still extremely sad and have no idea what to do anymore. I know WHY i'm sad (a mixture of rejection, emotional neglect and them representing my neglectful parents) but I don't know how to get over it..?

If you have changed universities and are still so hurt/sad after two years, all you are doing is setting yourself up for a repeat scenario (imo).  People will sense the wall you have put up around yourself and not want to approach you. They'll keep their distance (in other words, "reject" you), again.

Consider seeing the on-campus trained counselor to help you navigate your emotions and guide you over the hurdles.  This is a you problem - you're the common denominator - and I think counseling is the only way to go for you to help you work through where it's all coming from and why.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

any advice will be helpful (and i'll provide more context)

Yes, I think we need more context. 

What were your interactions with these people like? And specifically this person Alex? How often did you see and speak to each other? 

It seems there must be more to this story than a bunch of people suddenly deciding to take space from you. Perhaps if you describe your friendships with more detail we can pinpoint what went wrong here. 

[catfeeder]

If you could win a million dollars to figure out anything that may have put these people off, what would be your top guesses?

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

.I'm set to go back to university (a different one) in September, but i'm still extremely sad and have no idea what to do anymore. I know WHY i'm sad (a mixture of rejection, emotional neglect and them representing my neglectful parents) 

It's great you're going back to school. Please start looking into campus life there. See what sports, clubs groups events and other extracurricular activities they have available so you can make friends and socialize.

Please also see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.  This could help you both with friends and family and adjusting 

 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I like to think that I was lucky when it comes to friends. I was not extroverted by any chance, but my family always encouraged me to meddle with people. So I had extended family and friends of a family. Afterward in elementary, I had friends from school, some of which I did go out in town(you start to do that early here lol). Then in high school I had friends from there. And in faculty, even though it was a different city, had roommates and people from my class. Lots of them I am even friends to this day.

But I do understand that if you introverted(which you probably are), it doesnt go that way. You are probably by definition, not that easy to be friends with. As you dont bond easily and gain new friends. So being rejected by one friend group hit you very bad. While in actuality, its not that tragic. Because there are other people there to hang out with. For example, in my faculty group, I knew multiple cases where people didnt even talked to each other. And yet they were a part of class and hang out with different groups. Even people who were not liked. One of my women friends was a "tattletale". Very unreliable to say something to. And yet she still had various groups of friends. Because its not the end of the world if one group doesnt like you. It could be them, it could be even you, that is all part of life. In your case its probably them. Who even tells their friends that they are "not compatible" lol

Second thing is, you have to be willing to hang out with people. Meaning to show up when you are invited, take an interest in them, maybe even invite them somewhere yourself. If you are introvert, or even if you only complain, people will not be willing to hang out with you. Fortunately for you, you have a chance to start over. So maybe, if you are open to it, you meet some better friend group at different university. Because this one didnt sound really nice at all.

[TA_OAO]

15 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

If you have changed universities and are still so hurt/sad after two years, all you are doing is setting yourself up for a repeat scenario (imo).  People will sense the wall you have put up around yourself and not want to approach you. They'll keep their distance (in other words, "reject" you), again.

Consider seeing the on-campus trained counselor to help you navigate your emotions and guide you over the hurdles.  This is a you problem - you're the common denominator - and I think counseling is the only way to go for you to help you work through where it's all coming from and why.

I should have worded it better, this event takes place over the span of two years, not two years ago. We were friends for an entire year, then at the end of the first year they told me they don't want to be friends because they're "not they're real self around me" and that its not my fault, we're just incompatible. The summer holiday was 6 months and I left during the start of 2nd year because being in class was too depressing (5 months ago). It was just very painful to feel so excluded from a group especially when you thought you were getting close with someone you thought was your friend (and confided in emotionally)

I know WHY it hurts the way it does, its a complex mix of being neglected as a child and being rejected from the concept of a group of people i looked up to.

[TA_OAO]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I think we need more context. 

What were your interactions with these people like? And specifically this person Alex? How often did you see and speak to each other? 

It seems there must be more to this story than a bunch of people suddenly deciding to take space from you. Perhaps if you describe your friendships with more detail we can pinpoint what went wrong here. 

Me and Alex spoke every day of university for a year. We both cared and checked up on one another a lot, asking about family life, how well they're sleeping, eating, emotional state, relationships etc. Basically two people with the classic helper/caretaker mentality. The other two people in the group are very very reserved. I've tried talking to them and being friendly but they've been very cold since Day 1. I will admit that after a while I started to become passive aggressive towards one of them, and i totally understand and accept that they don't, and never will like me.

I asked Alex if he would like to hang out, outside of a classroom setting; playing videogames at my university house and he said he'd love to, joking about how he would never lose to me. Nothing came about this however and I asked him about it via text and thats how the conversation about how we don't really feel like real friends started, leading to him saying that we're not compatible. I actually asked him about it at the start of the 2nd year because I didn't know why he agreed if he felt this way and he just said "it was more of a passive yes", which... I don't really get...

[TA_OAO]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If you could win a million dollars to figure out anything that may have put these people off, what would be your top guesses?

Honestly, I kind of stick of like a sore thumb in terms of identity. They all come from similar backgrounds but i'm Gay and black. A lot of the questions they ask me are really odd questions you'd only ask if you'd never interacted with someone like me, e.g "do you wear makeup", "do you have a Taylor swift twitter account" etc etc. I don't think it was malicious, but you can definitely feel the disconnect.

[TA_OAO]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're going back to school. Please start looking into campus life there. See what sports, clubs groups events and other extracurricular activities they have available so you can make friends and socialize.

Please also see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.  This could help you both with friends and family and adjusting 

 

100%. I think one of the biggest issues was my lake of support system. It made me rely emotionally on anyone I could find, and I think they could sense this desperation. It makes me feel pathetic to think about. But this time I'll try my best to diversify my social life and actually spot red flags this time.

Could you tell me more about these tests to get done? In terms of mental health I've been assessed for certain things, but do you mean blood tests for physical? if so, which ones?

[TA_OAO]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, I like to think that I was lucky when it comes to friends. I was not extroverted by any chance, but my family always encouraged me to meddle with people. So I had extended family and friends of a family. Afterward in elementary, I had friends from school, some of which I did go out in town(you start to do that early here lol). Then in high school I had friends from there. And in faculty, even though it was a different city, had roommates and people from my class. Lots of them I am even friends to this day.

But I do understand that if you introverted(which you probably are), it doesnt go that way. You are probably by definition, not that easy to be friends with. As you dont bond easily and gain new friends. So being rejected by one friend group hit you very bad. While in actuality, its not that tragic. Because there are other people there to hang out with. For example, in my faculty group, I knew multiple cases where people didnt even talked to each other. And yet they were a part of class and hang out with different groups. Even people who were not liked. One of my women friends was a "tattletale". Very unreliable to say something to. And yet she still had various groups of friends. Because its not the end of the world if one group doesnt like you. It could be them, it could be even you, that is all part of life. In your case its probably them. Who even tells their friends that they are "not compatible" lol

Second thing is, you have to be willing to hang out with people. Meaning to show up when you are invited, take an interest in them, maybe even invite them somewhere yourself. If you are introvert, or even if you only complain, people will not be willing to hang out with you. Fortunately for you, you have a chance to start over. So maybe, if you are open to it, you meet some better friend group at different university. Because this one didnt sound really nice at all.

He said it as politely as he could, but I don't understand how he wanted us to be "university friends" after letting me know he's not himself around me and that we don't compliment each other well. So when we did return and I was very cold and uncomfortable (because I felt like I was making him uncomfortable), to the rest of the group I just seemed like an *** for no reason.

He described me as outgoing and bubbly whilst the rest of the group is reserved (computer science students), and thats why he thinks it was hard for me interact with them
 

[Batya33]

Your interactions with Alex didn't sound like a healthy friendship or fun.  Too one sided/caretaker stuff.  Do you think some of them were concerned you were trying to date them or hook up with them?

[TA_OAO]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Your interactions with Alex didn't sound like a healthy friendship or fun.  Too one sided/caretaker stuff.  Do you think some of them were concerned you were trying to date them or hook up with them?

This is one of my greatest fears. I don't have romantic feelings for Alex but I can see him thinking that. If he rejected my friendship because of that I'd feel so awful, even though I know that's a reflection on him and not me.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

Honestly, I kind of stick of like a sore thumb in terms of identity. They all come from similar backgrounds but i'm Gay and black. A lot of the questions they ask me are really odd questions you'd only ask if you'd never interacted with someone like me, e.g "do you wear makeup", "do you have a Taylor swift twitter account" etc etc. I don't think it was malicious, but you can definitely feel the disconnect.

That’s really a shame, and I’m sorry to hear it. They’re not sophisticated enough to appreciate you, and that speaks of their limitations rather than of any deficiency in you.

Shop around for friends at the new school who can resonate with you, and while you can be kind to the ones who don’t, I wouldn’t try to befriend them.

Remind yourself of the ugly duckling fable, and embrace your Swan. Ducklings are a dime a dozen. You don’t need their influence unless they are mature enough to be kind.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

This is one of my greatest fears. I don't have romantic feelings for Alex but I can see him thinking that. If he rejected my friendship because of that I'd feel so awful, even though I know that's a reflection on him and not me.

Oh of course that wouldn't be your fault!!

[TA_OAO]

On 5/13/2024 at 12:20 AM, catfeeder said:

That’s really a shame, and I’m sorry to hear it. They’re not sophisticated enough to appreciate you, and that speaks of their limitations rather than of any deficiency in you.

Shop around for friends at the new school who can resonate with you, and while you can be kind to the ones who don’t, I wouldn’t try to befriend them.

Remind yourself of the ugly duckling fable, and embrace your Swan. Ducklings are a dime a dozen. You don’t need their influence unless they are mature enough to be kind.

The other two in my group no, but Alex is very different. It's so odd, if it were as simple as him not being emotionally mature then I'd be able to move on easily, not everyone has the life experience to have it together at 20. But that's not the case. Even in the message "rejected" me, it was put so politely and elegantly with such emotional maturity that I've never seen written by anyone before. It always felt like who he is in text vs in person are two completely different people and it causes so much doubt and confusion within me...

[catfeeder]

10 minutes ago, TA_OAO said:

The other two in my group no, but Alex is very different. It's so odd, if it were as simple as him not being emotionally mature then I'd be able to move on easily, not everyone has the life experience to have it together at 20. But that's not the case. Even in the message "rejected" me, it was put so politely and elegantly with such emotional maturity that I've never seen written by anyone before. It always felt like who he is in text vs in person are two completely different people and it causes so much doubt and confusion within me...

Not everyone is a good fit as a friend. Maybe you became too socially dependent or emotionally taxing for him?

Some friendships diverge, and it's fact of life we all need to learn how to manage with resilience.

So what do you find so devastating about this one guy. Did you have a crush on him?

[TeeDee]

University friendships are best when superficial & diverse.  It's a law of large numbers.  Do not put all your energy into 1 person.  Cultivate multiple groups that do not necessarily overlap.  

Join a club or two.  Play an IM sport.  Get to know your neighbors.  Get to know people in your major.  That way you can flit from group to group & have support multiple places especially if one group feels off in the moment.  

In time the friendships will deepen but initially it has to start slowly.  

You said it yourself you oozed a kind of desperation.  You have to become more confident & less reliant on 1-2 people for all of your social interactions.  

[TA_OAO]

21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Not everyone is a good fit as a friend. Maybe you became too socially dependent or emotionally taxing for him?

Some friendships diverge, and it's fact of life we all need to learn how to manage with resilience.

So what do you find so devastating about this one guy. Did you have a crush on him?

Oh I definitely  was too emotionally dependent on him. It's just really odd, he kept on insisting that I should be vulnerable with him, and open up and talk to him about anything, which I originally rebuffed because I know not everyone has the emotional bandwidth and depth to support someone emotionally. But eventually, with the friendship breaking down, I decided to do so, writing a message to him expressing how I felt about the friendship. He then proceeded to ghost me for two months after sending that message 😕.

He said he was just busy, but later let it slip that he delayed responding for so long because texting gives him anxiety and me expressing my emotions was stressful for him. My therapists seem to hate that explanation he gave lol.

anyway, I think it hurt so much at the time because I had no support system away from home for university other than him, so when it ended it felt like I had lost everything. I get a lot of advice to diversify my friendships at university, which was good advice but after being rejected so harshly, making friends felt like the last thing I wanted/could do at that point. I'll use that advice for my 2nd time round university though aha.

Also, the rejection seems to hurt so much because I was being supported and cared for in very basic and small ways, which im not used to since I had an neglectful father and a deceased mother growing up. So being rejected must have stirred up some feels of grief and abandonment all over again. It's not Alex's fault, though his behavior, i'm starting to see, might not have been great to begin with..

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

Oh I definitely  was too emotionally dependent on him. But eventually, with the friendship breaking down, I decided to do so, writing a message to him expressing how I felt about the friendship. He then proceeded to ghost me for two months after sending that message 😕.

I get the impression that whatever you expressed in your message made him really uncomfortable and he didn't know how to handle it.  You mentioned you are gay - maybe he thought you were trying to "get together" with him - and if he is straight, he felt uncomfortable.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I get the impression that whatever you expressed in your message made him really uncomfortable and he didn't know how to handle it. 

This is my sense, too. 

What did you write in that message to him, OP? 

[TA_OAO]

14 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I get the impression that whatever you expressed in your message made him really uncomfortable and he didn't know how to handle it.  You mentioned you are gay - maybe he thought you were trying to "get together" with him - and if he is straight, he felt uncomfortable.

The message has nothing to indicate any romantic feelings for him, it was strictly about friendships. It was me saying that we don't really feel like actual friends and that he seems not like being around me nowadays in class. His response was that we seem to just want different things and be incompatible. If he really did break off a friendship based on feelings that don't even exist, I'll be extremely upset.

 

After months of this distressing and depressing tension, I just ended up leaving university and told him that I was leaving and to enjoy his time in the course. Though things were upsetting for both of us, I wanted it to end on an okay note, but he never responded to my goodbye message. Even going on the whole romantic crush hypothetical, I can't imagine not replying to someone leaving university who I was "friends" with for a year

[TA_OAO]

On 5/12/2024 at 6:00 PM, Batya33 said:

Your interactions with Alex didn't sound like a healthy friendship or fun.  Too one sided/caretaker stuff.  Do you think some of them were concerned you were trying to date them or hook up with them?

You're probably right. I find it hard to find the right words to describe this, but there are like two categories of attributes people possess; who they are and what they are.

Who they are might include things they enjoy doing, they're dreams, what they believe in, how funny they are etc.

What they are might include things like being intelligent, organised, how many friends they have, if they're rich etc.

 

I seem to have focused more on the "what they are" aspects of this friendship, using him for my own emotional actualisation, rather than seeing him as a person (who they are)

 

Also if anyone knows the words for the two categories I'm looking for, or even the name of the concept please let me know aha

[boltnrun]

Does your new university have any LGBTQ clubs or activities?

My son is gay but almost all of his friends are not. He has always had a medium sized but very close friend group who accepts him for who he is. They all graduated college over ten years ago and are still friends. 

I suggest looking into groups or activities that include a diverse group of people. 

I had a friend group that kind of froze me out after the first year of college so I get it. I struggled to find a new group too. I made some new friends but we were not nearly as close as my original friend group. I do understand.