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Everything posted by TeeDee

  1. I understand & do donate financial to other direct giving charities. This project is something that local organizations around here do. The recipients know how it works. They specify sizes & toy choices. The donors get them for the kids. If I was asked to give $100 to a needy family. I probably would not do it. However, I will buy presents. I do give to food banks & Toys for Tots, the Marine Corp charity. Throughout the year I am actively involved in groups that help wounded veterans & their families. I volunteer on the board of trustees for an ARC which runs 7 group home & have done hands on activities with Special needs kids at a specialized camp, as well as helped to make special Halloween & prom events for them. I work with charities that care for the elderly, especially those below the poverty line. I have given clothing & taught job skills work shops to multiple organizations who support battered women. I do help in real ways. See above. The Church is being honest. I don't usually have difficulty with this. It's just this Year. I could not find that brand -- Hello Kitty. I had no idea it was scarce / not in stores & feel badly about disappointing the child who asked for that. I don't internet shop. Although I was assigned my family before Thanksgiving, I set aside yesterday to shop. The gifts had to be wrapped & turned into this morning. Thus by the time I realized I could only get Hello Kitty on line it was too late. Although there have been a few scammers over the years, the groups that spearhead this Christmas project identify the families who participate -- through schools, through social services organizations etc. You can't just put your name in. There are checks & balances. In years past for other organizations that work with the direct support groups, I have been on the delivery teams. . . so I have seen the poverty 1st hand. The toy giving is the fun part for me. Next weekend I will be part of a team that will stuff 150 boxes with groceries plus food store gift cards to deliver to some of these same families. My ONLY concern with this post wasn't to have people on the internet judge me or my charity of choice but for somebody to try to reassure me that a substitute pink cat will not ruin some kid's Christmas. I am at peace with my level of giving & how I deal with my social responsibilities. I didn't come here to brag but to seek reassurance. I don't have kids. I am truly fearful that I did harm here not good even with the best of intentions.
  2. Obviously put the marriage plans on hold. He should not be talking to others -- any other of whatever persuasion -- behind your back. Unless this gets straightened out, & he can be FULLY committed, forsaking ALL others -- then you have a problem. Get some pre marital counseling before you proceed to put deposits on anything. See where that leads but do not marry until this is resolved to your satisfaction.
  3. You are a rebound. At best the above is Love Bombing. You are the whirlwind exotic romance she had on vacation to make her EX jealous & to make herself feel more attractive. Sane adults who understand what real love means do no behave this way. Declaring "love" after 3 days is an indication she has no idea what the concept actually is. She like the Hollywood version of hearts & flowers, the dizzying feeling of infatuation. Long term. this will never last. Everything she's doing is designed to lure him back & get him to open up. You are a pawn. Stop letter her use you. My heart breaks for you that at 48 you crave love so much that you want this to be real.
  4. All the more reason she is not coming back. No matter what her heart might feel her head knows she's nuts to trust again. Trust was so broken it can't be repaired & she's moved on. OP don't wait.
  5. It's an expectation I placed on myself but the list was so specific & it's a kid. I specifically don't take the families where the ask is for the new I-phone or some other $1000 thing, not that I could afford that but honestly until I shopped I didn't know Hello Kitty was out of style. Did I get the wrong substitute with the generic pink cat? Is there something I could have gotten that is better? I don't give gift certificates or gift cards; I know people love the convenience but I think they are lazy gifts, like the sender didn't care enough to try to figure it out.
  6. I hate to be the source of a kid's disappointment especially at Christmas . . . so yeah I feel kind of terrible for not ordering on line over Thanksgiving weekend.
  7. Every year we "adopt a needy family" through our church. You are given a paper with info about the kids: sizes, favorite colors & gift wish list. This year one of the three kids I was assigned wanted Hello Kitty stuff. The kid is 4; she wasn't even born when Hello Kitty was popular. Well no stores had this. I don't on-line shop & I have to give the presents to the sponsor organization tomorrow by noon so I can't order on line at this point anyway. I got a generic pink stuffed animal cat. Somebody please tell me I'm not terrible.
  8. Is there a viewing & a funeral? If so go to the viewing. Hug your friend. Express condolence to the other members of the family & leave. You don't have to go to the funeral or the repast. If you can't bring yourself to do either, send a card & in a week or two show up at your friend's house with food.
  9. She's NOT going through a rough patch. She is trying to figure out how to break up with you without hurting your feelings. That is an impossible thing to do but in her quest she gives you false hope & strings you along because her ego can't take you possibly getting over her.
  10. It does seem unfair but what are you going to do . . . stay & piss off everybody? Do ask dad if he could live with grandma while you make other arrangements. Do not lie to the landlord about the cat. Meanwhile get a budget together & figure out what you are going to need to do to get a new place. Then never trust any of these family members again financially.
  11. What kind of nonsense is that? This girl is jerking your chain. When you love somebody times of crisis move you toward them. If her instinct is to run away from you -- to break up -- because she has some issue, she doesn't love you. Right now you are letting her use you. She's never going to get her head out of her *** & fight for your relationship if you let her keep you on this yo you string playing head games with you. Have enough self respect to walk away. Point blank tell her to step up & full invest in your relationship or you are walking out the door to go find somebody with enough integrity to stop playing with your feelings. I still say there is part of her that wants you to be the one to walk away so it won't be your fault but she's got an ego on her & she gets miffed that she is actually forgettable & replaceable. Here's an idea stop talking to her about your activities with others. Let her wonder. You go live your life & have fun with whomever you choose. Your choices are no longer any of her business. What do you mean she won't let you walk away & give her space? Your decision to walk is YOURS alone. Block her! You are choosing to allow yourself to be tethered to this girl who is playing you. Whatever emotional limbo you are in, you put yourself there by failing to be accountable for your own actions. You are not locked in a dungeon. When you finally put your foot down this garbage will stop.
  12. She doesn't need time to realign her feelings to get back with you. She needs time to figure out how to come to terms with the fact that her decision to remain apart hurts your feelings. She likes you as a person. She is a nice person. She feels bad that you are upset & she can't cope with that so she feeds you a bunch of BS (that she may actually believe) about needing more time. She's stalling & hoping you will go away of your own accord so she's not responsible for breaking up with you & being the cause of your pain. Your decision to move on is the best one.
  13. Try finding an enclave of other ExPats. They may be more open to the fact that you are not Dutch.
  14. It sounds like a bit of both. While the length of time between the end of his last relationship & him taking up with you seems short his relationship may have been over in all material ways before the technical break up. Just measure how he treats you & go with the flow for now. Do guard your heart for a while longer but don't invent problems.
  15. Social skills are learned. You are not born with them. When you master them what you characterize as your shyness will disappear. You aren't so much shy as human. Like everybody else you fear getting hurt but part of love is risk. Since you are friends & you do see each other, assuming you are not brave enough to ask him out, it becomes incumbent upon you to make it totally clear to him that if he got up the courage to ask you out, that you would say yes. Tease him about thinking you were married. Ask him how he feels about now knowing you are single & available or something like that.
  16. He may just be happy that you aren't mad. Continue to be polite when you see him & see how this plays out. If you think you might like him or want to date him, flirt or tell your brother to tell him you are interested. He may be hesitant out of respect for your brother.
  17. You say you want to get together with him as just friends right now. You say you have to see how the friends first thing goes before you truly consider a romantic reconciliation. So do not delay meeting him. Go. Talk to him. See how things are. If you blow off this overture he will think you don't care at all. I get that you want to guard your heart but part of love is risk. However, as for the friendship only aspects that is very low risk. FWIW I think "friends first" does a disservice to both friendship & romance. If you are friends you are platonic only with no romance. If you are dating, you are spending time together, getting to know one another. That can include hugs & kisses as well as flirting working your way up to sex. It's perfectly fine to go slow (no sex) but date. You don't have to rush into bed. You can & should keep your emotions in check.
  18. He's technically married but once he took his ring off he was announcing that his marriage is emotionally over. He's on his way to getting the legal paperwork to catch up.
  19. Not necessarily. It's a brave new world in once sense but it's a minefield for men who might want to date co-workers. In this era of #MeToo I can understand his reluctance to ask you out. In the back of his mind he may fear repercussions. Also men are sometimes afraid to ask out attractive women; they fear rejection too. Thus it can be incumbent upon the woman to make it really easy for the guy. I don't see you doing that. He may be clueless that you are open to a date. That is actually not good. If he informed management that he's leaving but then stayed they may view him as disloyal. Continuing to be co-workers IMO actually dampens the prospects that you will date. It's generally a bad idea to date co-workers.
  20. His marriage ended. He feels like a failure. You know many of the secrets & talking to you feels like looking in a mirror but he doesn't like what he sees. He may also be developing a crush on you; many would characterize your friendship as an Emotional Affair. I think EAs are BS but if somebody used that phrase to him he may have freaked & decided to inject some distance rather than give the gossips more fodder. Either way leave him be.
  21. If you want her off your social media, block her. She's 18. You are older & presumably more mature. You pushed too hard, too fast for something you defined as a relationship without meaningfully sharing with her what you needed. You scared her & she didn't trust what you were offering her. Yet you kept pushing, demanding more then she knew how to give. At 18 you have to be one of her earliest relationships & her first "adult" relationships, at university not HS. The more you pushed & insisted without giving specifics the more she shut down. She may be looking at you now because she is trying to figure out where it all went wrong. In the future when you want something from a partner you need to be specific. I'd like you to call me 2 times per week. I want a good morning text. I want to hold hands when we go out. I'd like you to plan 1 date per week & I'd like to see you x times per week. I bet you didn't do that & you just asked her these vague broad philosophical questions she had no idea how to answer. When my husband & I got serious I point blank said to him I expect a kiss hello & goodbye & I also expect to say I love you every time we part or hang up a phone. Granted we met shortly after 9/11 so those lessons were still fresh in everybody's mind but I wanted to make sure that in the event of a tragedy our last words were always sweet ones. We have carried that throughout our marriage. Over the years we had to have discussions about gender rolls, how we handle holidays & birthdays, etc. In short we have to specify our expectations so that our partners could meet them rather then disappoint us. Without that level of communication you end up where you are -- broken up with no understanding of how it happened.
  22. Call a temp staffing agency to work as temp accountant. It's year end coming up on tax season, somebody needs an extra set of hands. Around here RobertHalf & accountemps are always advertising for people like you to work. See if you can find a support group / meet up / entrepreneurial group that deals with fledgling franchiees. Seek help through your local SBDC (it's a division of the federal SBA). You may be a great accountant but you lack the business skills to run this franchise. You have made a LOT of foolish decisions. The SBDC counselors will help you fix your mistakes. Their services are free. You are being penny wise & pound foolish like most new entrepreneurs by trying to proceed without an attorney A good land use lawyer up front would have prepared you for the construction delays & possibly avoided many of them.
  23. Because he travels so much communication is important when that is the majority of what you have. It doesn't matter all that much that when he's in town & you are there & things are easy it's good. Things need to be good when he's away too. If they aren't that is a problem. You can't make him change jobs. So it's either now that he "has" you he's grown lazy & complacent, thinking he doesn't have to work to maintain the connection or he just flat out doesn't care to try.
  24. it doesn't matter how much you love the EX. By breaking up with you & trying this rebound relationship the EX who now wants to come back has proved themselves disloyal. They only want to come back because the other person dumped them not because they love you. You have to assume they will come back to avoid being lonely but will disappear again shortly. The EX thinks you are disposable.
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