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TeeDee

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TeeDee last won the day on June 20

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  1. I am an extrovert & my husband is an introvert. People stress him out especially in large groups if he's not comfortable with them. He's a veteran so he's good around other veteran's & the people he served with. Over the course of several years he's grown more comfortable around our friends (people who were my friends 1st). But before he gets to know someone & develops comfort & trust he's quiet & reserved. Many people are kind of intimidated by him because he gives off this military / law enforcement thousand yard stare that screams "keep away." Very few people talk to him 1st because he's just not approachable. If you can get through those defenses he's an interesting, thoughtful person. @Dandelionspring you are very hard on yourself. I suspect you have some self-esteem issues. They may have developed because you misguidedly think that someone has to be the life of the party & teen movie stereotypically popular to have value. That is not true at all. The unique individuals are often more interesting. I'd rather a quality conversation with a great person then to be in some superficial group. I suspect you simply haven't found your "tribe" yet. Everyone fits in somewhere. When you are with people who can accept you for who you are you will be happier. To get there you have to accept yourself. You need to be your own best friend & celebrate what makes you unique without worrying about what the masses thing. Self confidence is attractive.
  2. Break ups suck & dating can be daunting. That doesn't mean you should stay in an untenable situation where you are not getting your needs met. I hope it works out but IMO far too much time has passed. He should have sorted himself out by now. This fight was to trivial to require this much time / space.
  3. You took a heavy blow. Break ups are tough. Now you are having to see the next woman date others. That's a smack in the face & a reminder you don't need. You need some distractions & some confidence builders. Work overtime if you can or pick up a side hustle. Keep busy. Change something about yourself. Work out. Get a hair cut. Buy some new clothes. Learn a new skill. What you do doesn't matter just do something different. The plan to study computer science is a good one. You don't have to do it in a new city but you can. Factor in the costs of moving before you make too big of a leap. The academic environment alone may be enough of a new thing for you & a fresh start. Enjoy your motorcycle & use that "pretty privilege" of yours to your advantage to make new friends Try to repair your old friendships. Reach out to them. Be fun & interesting.
  4. I am a trusting person. Other than deleting the messages which I see as a childish attempt to avoid triggering you, all I see is a woman who has male friends. Instead of being overly suspicious, try asking if she can be more open. That doesn't mean you get 24/7 access to her phone or that she has to prove to you where she is but perhaps you can meet these other guys. Have a video chat with the homeless guy. Meet with her & the guy doing the check ins. If she's not OK with that, then you have problem. FWIW the minute some guy I was dating demanded I prove my location I would break up with him. You are her BF not her dad or her jailer.
  5. It's lovely that you were honest & liked her but the fact that you gave this relative stranger who you have known for about 3 months the power to crush your soul is troubling to me. I'm afraid for you. You invested too much in her too soon in the face of red flags. You do deserve respect but to get it you also have to give it. What I mean by that is this. Have you ever head the adage "the customer is always right?" That is not about "karens & chads" getting their way. It's a sales technique that means the seller's energy & actions have to match & mirror the buyer's not compete or challenge. If the buyer is sitting, the seller sits. If the buyer wants email, then don't call. Here, you were hoping for a relationship. You were the "seller" and she is the buyer. She wanted text communication while you wanted voice. As the buyer it would have behooved you to give her what she asked for. What you did by demanding voice is set up a power play I get it. I hate text & prefer voice but sometimes in a relationship you have to accommodating. In that instance the snark was a lot. IMO this "relationship" was already doomed due to her flakiness but to the extent you wanted it to continue you needed to recognize it was always going to be on her terms no matter what you wanted or needed. I sincerely hope you find a way to make your own life better but I don't think that path involves this woman.
  6. He didn't mess up. He took a shot. It didn't work. It only becomes a problem if he makes a pest out of himself going forward. If can behave in a civil professional manner at work, all will be well.
  7. r123ok There is so much more going on here. I don't know whether you are missing cues or intentionally leaving them out but here's what I have garnered from what little you have said. You think this is a great relationship & you love him You were invited to his house but somehow got locked out over the weekend. He claims you knocked too loudly to be let back in. He let you in but he slept on the couch. You two have not spoken since Sunday & he's ignoring your messages I hate to tell you this, but I think he's done. I fear he intentionally locked you out & now he's ignoring you. It's not about space. It's about him not being man enough to break up with you. He's just going to ignore you until you give up & go away. You may love him but from where I sit, I'm not sure he even likes you. Moreover, why on earth do you want to stay with somebody who treats you so cavalierly? I would have dumped him for the whole locking me out thing. This is not good or healthy. Where is your self respect?
  8. If this is the same girl who is hot & cold you could try to reschedule the activity. Do tell her you aren't up for it because your recovery didn't progress as fast as you'd hoped & you aren't driving yet. Be honest. You could ask if she wanted to come over for a hour or so if you have that much energy. Rather than cancel outright if you can give her options that should allay any concerns that you are backing off or jerking her chain.
  9. Hot & cold. . . doesn't know her own mind. If you are OK with this just go with the flow. Let her lead. If she initiates, have at it. Do take her on a few dates where you pick her, go on the date, then drop her back home without going inside to have sex with her. Show her through your actions that you do like her as a person.
  10. If you have reached out but he's not responding that is sign of poor communication on his part. Question # 1 becomes do you want a lifetime of this? If this is how he manages conflict, you have to assume he won't change & communicate. A little bit of space -- a few hours or overnight -- should be tolerated because sometimes people need to cool off. My husband & I are like that. We rarely fight but if it gets so bad that somebody asks for space the other one knows to back off immediately because not doing that will result in something we might not be able to come back from. It's never gone more than 24 hours. The only thing I can think of if you want to force the issue is for you to show up unannounced at his place. That could make it worse but you would know. I'd rather have a clean break like that than this sitting around waiting & wondering if he's just going to ghost. You do have the option of concluding that his lack of response to the messages you sent is his cowardly way of breaking up with you & behaving accordingly.
  11. I applaud you for recognizing that asking for a date over text rather than in person (or even using the voice feature of the phone) is a cop out. As long as your work friend is not management & pressuring the female co-worker for a date, it's not a problem. Workplace harassment generally involves pressure from above. It can be peer to peer if somebody doesn't take rejection well & continues to pester the other person for a date. One ask, resulting in a rejection, never to be spoken of again, is not problematic. To be actionable the conduct has to be severe (meaning outrageous or involving significant touching) or the conduct has to be pervasive which requires more than one ask. When your buddy returns to work, he should be professional & civil. If he manages that all will be fine.
  12. Maybe a little. I'm so sorry she has affected you so much. You need to work on not letting people in so fast. That have to earn that space in your head & heart. When you put up better boundaries / defenses, you will not get hurt so easily. When after (during?) 1-2 dates she talked about "long term" etc. that was a red flag. Instead of thinking how wonderful this woman was you should have been thinking what kind of a crazy person says that to someone they don't know? Right now you are giving her too much power. She's virtual stranger. Stop caring what she thinks. Put her in the inconsequential box in your head & move on.
  13. Sometimes you just gotta have faith. I am friends with a woman who took up with a bad guy. When she 1st told me she was dating him she didn't know I knew him & I was friends with his Ex-wife. I told her to be careful because he was bad guy who beat the snot out of his Ex-wife on more than one occasion & lost a million dollar business over his violent drunken shenanigans. My friend couldn't square that with the "great guy" she knew. A few weeks my friend told me he told her to stay away from me because I was always jealous & that is why I was lying to her about him. I laughed & showed her some police reports & lawsuits. She dated him anyway. He never hit my friend but he was abusive in other ways. Whenever she came to me crying I always said the same thing to her, "what advice would you give your daughter or granddaughter if they told you the story you just told me?" She always admitted she'd tell them to leave but for whatever reason it took over a year for my friend to finally come to her senses & dump his sorry cheating butt. These kind of guys never change. You simply have to hope your friend figures it out before it's too late.
  14. It sounds like you are answering your own Q. Somebody can be a good person but still not a good partner for you.
  15. I "know" & I "understand" can be synonymous but they are not identical. The fact that you two are making these vocabulary choices another point of contention during a tense discussion that was deigned to heal prior conflicts indicates that you must both be exhausting to be around.
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