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  1. I don't exactly get affected by it so much anymore, as I just see that I still have a hold of him. However, we broke up almost a year ago. Was a hard break-up, we admitted that we still like each other and that we miss each other all the time, and we both have mentioned to each other that if we ever did talk about our relationship again - it's once we've moved on from the hurt, so I don't think it's a 100% final break up where you never want anything to do with them again. I think because I still to this day felt like we broke up over very odd things and he thought the grass was going to be greener. Sometimes the texts will stop and he'll find a way to contact me weeks or even months later and it's always about how he's sorry about how things ended and just our relationship in general. He'll never directly ask me how things are unless we speak on the phone. But his texts will be wrapped in 'I hope you are truly happy and things are good' Or for example, recently I replied to one of his messages saying that I miss our intimacy and laughs. He hasn't responded but it's almost for certain he'll try to find a way to respond back to that. Because I know at this moment, he tries to play it cool or even just compartmentalize it. Any input?
  2. I will try and keep this as short as possible. I'm 40M and she's 34F, we met at work and dated for almost 5 years. We got engaged last year and were supposed to get married Oct of this year. We were "soulmates" we had an instant connection when we met, co-workers even told her that I never have talked to anyone at work as much as I did to her. This is true. Everything was great for the most part, I caught her in little lies here and there but nothing major. Problems started around June 2013. A blast from her past re-appeared in her life. She bumped into him and they exchanged numbers and have known each other for 10 years prior. Not a big deal - until she was showing me a video on her phone and a message popped in saying, "I love you so much" followed by "I'm going to make you mine". She didn't see that I saw the messages because she was holding the phone so I could see it. I decided to address it that weekend. I asked who (GUY) was. She said, "oh that's an old friend, why?". I told her I saw the messages and said they're inappropriate and why would he be sending you stuff like that? She said, "he doesn't mean it like that he's just a friend". I told her that it needs to stop now. She then said she wanted me to meet him so I could see. Well as time went by I found out he had been coming up to her office at work. Hanging out and talking, sometimes bringing lunch. So I asked her again what the deal with (GUY) was? She got super defensive and that lead me to talking crap about him, calling him a few choice words/names and she got even more mad and left to go to her moms to cool off. Well, when she left I left to go to my parents house. As I was driving I get a call from a random number. I didn't know if it was someone from work so I answered, it was (GUY). He apologized and said he didn't mean to send the messages and that he didn't want to run her relationship. He won't do it anymore but it wasn't mean the way it was said. I told him what I thought about him sending the messages and told him I also knew about him coming up to her work. He again said it wasn't like that and I told him I'm busy right now but feel free to talk about it in person then we hung up. After that I kind of started rethinking the relationship. She's always been a little secretive when it comes to her phone. So, I started backing off a little. Later in 2019 around October she was showing me her phone again and I saw a message pop up from a females name that said, "I love you so much". I asked her who the hell Sara was because I've never heard you talk about Sara? After blowing up at me she finally admitted it was (GUY). She changed his name to a girls name..... seriously? Now I really started slowing down and kind of withdrew from the relationship a little more. Fast forward to 2020. On January 1st, as a New Years resolution, we agreed to do more stuff together and get the relationship back on track and do what all we had planned in the future - kids, marriage, grow old together. So her mom and I had talked, and I Was going to propose to her on Feb 14th. But my mom was sick in the hospital and I wanted her to be a part of the proposal since she wasn't doing well health wise. Since the proposal got derailed her mom and I agreed to do it when she got back from her trip March 14th and as everyone knows COVID hit and everything was shut down. Then April 23rd my stepdad passed away. I lived 3 hours away and with COVID we had to stretch the funeral out over the course of 4 weeks per the funeral home. Well during that time I was trying to help my mom get her stuff squared away, my sisters were helping too, but I had to do it remote because I didn't want to be in person for safety reasons since I was still going into the office at work. Well, 3 months after my step dad passed away, my mom passed away on July 30th. My girlfriend at the time was SO helpful. She checked in on me, she went to my moms funeral with me, she helped me pick stuff out for the funeral and even went down and helped me and my sisters clean her apartment out. She cleaned and moped while we boxed everything up. ****Major Side Note***** This relationship, was the first time I have ever in my life told a girl I loved her. Keep reading to see why this is important. Prior to my mom passing we had went down there for my stepdads funeral. While we were down there my mom started talking to her about me while I was in the shower. Long story short my mom told her that I don't say the "L" word. It's true. I never have told any one that I loved them. Not even my parents. I didn't grow up in an affectionate household (parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my dad - he was ex military and was all about "be a man and not a sissy" ya know?) and all the relationships I saw as a kid, my sisters, friends, and parents were dysfunctional and a lot of arguing. None were loving like you see on TV. Here is why my girlfriend will always hold a special place in my heart - forever. As we were leaving to go back home my girlfriend said, "why don't you tell your mom you love her before we go?". I kind of brushed it off and she said, "come on, tell her? I've never seen you tell her." So I went back over to my mom and after screwing around for a few mins I finally said it. My mom looked up at me and smiled. I never knew that would be the last time I saw my mom..... After my mom passed my girlfriend told me what my mom had told her and she said my mom told her, "I just want to hear him say he loves me at least one time before I die. I know he does, he does so much for me, he just never says it." This right here, is why I'm having such a hard time with the break up. My girlfriend did a lot of little things but they were SO huge and impactful. ****End Side Note***** Unfortunately at this time I wasn't in a good place. Me and my girlfriend had communication problems as it was, but when this happened I pretty much isolated myself in an upstairs room and shut her out. That was my way of dealing with everything that was happening. The loss of 2 loved ones, COVID, lock down, appeared to be too much. I'll also ass that my sex drive was super low, so low the last time we were intimate was in January 2020. We went the whole year without sex. Stress, unhappy at work, kept finding messages from (GUY) that were still inappropriate for the 3rd time now, and we got in to a rut where all we did was work then come home and watch TV. So trying to turn a negative into a positive I decided on October 4th 2020 I was going to propose. I got her mom, my dad, and one of my sisters to be there for it. She never saw it coming, it was great. She was so surprised and she even said YES! She loved her ring, I had it custom made just for her so it would be the only one out there. I sent the video out to my other sisters and my aunts and uncles. They ALL said the same thing, "What??? We never thought you'd get married, CONGRATS". This was a big deal for me because I never was interested in marriage. Relationships prior sucked, a lot of fighting and arguing. So marriage was off the plate until I met her. Fast forward to 2021. She was excited about the wedding, she got with her friend and started looking for a venue and has some save the date invitations made. Everything seemed to be going good, she would go to her friends out and they would pick out stuff for the wedding and so on. Until I found out that all the late nights and coming home at 3 or 4am weren't because she was at her friends house. I noticed he was coming hoe around 3 or 4 am every morning. I didn't think much of it because she said she was wedding planning - made sense to me. Well, when I questioned her about it she got defensive, said I was trying to control her and manipulate her. So she said she was going to her moms. Well, later on I called her mom and asked her if she was there. Her mom said no, she hasn't seen her in a while, is something wrong? I told her about the coming home at 4am and said she told me she was with you some of the time. Her mom said she hasn't seen her in a month. They were supposed to go dress shopping but she canceled on her. So I call her friend that she said she was with, her friend hadn't seen her either. Now I'm pissed and I discussed a few thing with her friend that, looking back I shouldn't have. But what's done is done. Come to find out she had been hanging out with, you guessed it, (GUY). That's when the ish hit the fan. She blew up at me for talking about personal things with her mom and bestfriend and left. This was on April 18th. I tried calling her, texting her, she wouldn't respond so I left her alone to cool off. About a week later she stopped by the house grabbed a suitcase and said she was going to her moms. I tried to get her to talk about it and she refused. So she left. I didn't call her or text her, tried to let everyone cool off. I didn't see her for a while but since we worked at the same place she started calling me again during the day and talked about work. I brought up the relationship and asked her if she wanted to work it out, she would say yes, then say she wasn't sure. Never gave a straight answer. This went on all through May, June, and July, every now and then she would text me or call me and say I'm going to come home and try again. Some times she would show up for a day, then leave again. Other times she would text me and say she's on her way then never show up. On July 9th, we both got terminated from our job, stupid reason, retaliation from a cowardly manager. Anyways, she would randomly pop up for a day at the house then gone again for a week or longer. July 21st, she showed up around 2pm, she went upstairs laid down in the bed and said she was having bad cramps and didn't feel good. So I warmed up her beanbag and went to go get her some lunch from her favorite sandwich place. Around 4pm I hear a knock on the door, I go down stairs and who could it be? If you guessed (GUY) you'd be correct. I didn't know that though when I opened the door. He demanded to talk to my girlfriend, I asked who the hell he was, he said I'm (GUY). My girlfriend came downstairs and was yelling, he stated yelling, I get in the middle and she walks out back to her car. He walks towards me and says, "I had to come over here. As bad as I didn't want to but I had to let you know what was going on. She's playing you and me both. She's been laying up at my place for the last 2 months and she only reason she came here today was because we got in an argument about girls I talk to". This went on for about an hour. He was telling me she told him she was done with me, she took her ring off, he introduced her to his mom and his girl, they've been going to vacations.... I was shocked but I guess not surprised at this point. He finally left and she never came back that day. I called, text, no response. July 23rd, she randomly showed up and I tried to talk to her about what happened. She said a little but most was deflecting and bringing up stuff I did, then she blew up and left. July 29th, around 10:30PM she showed up while I was in the shower. I Said what are you doing here? She said she was trying to work on the relationship. She went and got food and said there was a movie she wanted to watch. Next morning gone. The last time I saw her was Aug 3rd. We cleaned out the apartment and had the movers come pick the stuff up. I moved back in with my dad, and she went back to her moms. Aug 4th she text me and asked me if I wanted to go to the library tomorrow, I said sure let me know when. The 5th gets here and nothing. So I go no contact. Aug 14th I get a text that said, "I WANT MY STUFF BACK" I replied, "so you've made your decision I take it?" she replies with "I didn't make any decision I just want my stuff back" followed by "you don't talk to me and I don't talk to you so..................." followed by, "ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME MY STUFFBACK?" I replied and said, "I'll have it ready for you tomorrow, it'll be by the front door you can come pick it up". She never replied after that. She also never picked her stuff up. Then Aug 19th I get a text saying she used me as a reference and to be expecting a call. I told her ok, and her new employer called for a reference check, I spoke highly of her and he said she's hired. I text her that I spoke to (company) and she said, "thanks! I appreciate it". Then Aug 21st I text her asking her if she wanted to meet up and talk, see how things go. She said she was with her mom at the movies and would text me in a few. Never sent a text or called. So I haven't communicated with her since. Any idea what I can do, or shouldn't do at this point? I know what the overall consensus is, but I would like to reconcile and get her back. I know, after all that, why would I want her back? Because she had a huge impact on my life. She was the first girl I've ever told I loved and she was there for me when I lost my mom. She even wrote a note and put in my moms casket and did the same for my step dad. Lastly, I also feel if I didn't do the things I did and shut her out, get complacent and take her for granted we wouldn't be in the situation we're in. Any thoughts?
  3. Recently I left my fiance after a 6 year relationship. We have an 18 month old daughter. If you’d like the whole story refer to my earlier post Here I had a whole plan to leave him peacefully and maturely. But after discovering a conversation with another woman where he sent a d*** pic and she sent a t*t pic I snapped and told him I’m done. He barely reacted. Basically just like “okay” and went on with his normal day. I took out daughter and left to my moms. The next day we had a sit down and spoke about coparenting, communication, etc. Agreed to be civil and mature for our daughter’s sake. The thing is I’m finding it so hard to be civil and I’m so deeply hurt at his infidelity (I consider that he cheated, even if physically he didn’t) and this has happened multiple times with different women in the last 2 years (at least that I know of) So now I just have the urge to reply to whatever he says with snarky comments and take jabs at him. Like when he sent me a pic of our daughter I wanna say “wow glad you found room on your phone among all the d*** and t*t pics. I know I am being petty but he has not apologized or acknowledged in the least that he hurt me. Frankly it’s pissing me off and making me want to act out of character. I thought he would be heartbroken if not suicidal when I break up with him. I even started speaking with a therapist (since my ex has depression and anxiety I wanted a specialist to guide me through breaking up with him in a way that he wouldn’t ‘freak out’ or be suicidal) But now that the exact opposite is happening I basically feel like he doesn’t care at all. He has taken an average of 3/4 hours to respond any time I text about our daughter’s schedule. Is it better to hold my tongue and be mature or to let my emotions out? I wouldn’t ever consider going back to him and don’t want him asking but I wouldn’t mind an apology or some indication that he knows he f**ked up...
  4. I've posted a few times and recently about my boyfriend missing me. Ex and I dated for a year and we broke up almost 6 months ago. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contact recently, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has 'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?' Advice? What do you make of this situation with my ex? He then went on to say that it's really difficult but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn't quite know what to do as he doesn't want to mess with me. I replied and said I hope one day we can be on friendlier terms but I understand if we don’t keep in touch. 2 weeks later he texted me saying he would definitely like to know how I am/how life is but he’s conscious of not lingering around and making things more difficult and he hopes everything is good and I’m happier now. That he of course feels the same but it’s just the nature of break ups.
  5. Hi, I have just been made aware of this situation and I really could do with some advice. I'm very heartbroken and do not know what to do. This account is a throwaway to protect my privacy. Before I tell you about timelines and our dynamic, I would like to give you some details about me and him and our relationship. About us: Me: I am a successful banker with a high income. I live by myself. I am very generous in relationships and giving, sometimes at my own expense. I am very conflict avoidant due to issues in childhood and very submissive in relationships in the traditional sense. I love sports and I am very physically fit, I wasn't that way when our relationship started though. Him: He went to university but has since been unable to hold down a job so is living on unemployment benefits. He lives in a different country with his family in the same house. He comes from a broken home. He's extremely intelligent and nuanced, which is why I was drawn to him. The timeline of our relationship: Me (28F) met my ex boyfriend (29M) 3 years ago on a gaming platform in March 2018. At the time he was dating someone and he expressed that there were things that were lacking in that relationship such as: she didn't express her feelings much, wanted an open relationship and had alcohol abuse problems. He then broke up with her and went on to pursue me telling me that they ended things amicably. At the time, I didn't think anything of it and I thought they stopped being in touch. This will be relevant later on. Regardless, we got along super well and connected. We met in person 3 months after. At the time i was overweight and a bit socially awkward. I felt for him instantly though, we slept together, spent a lot of time together over a few days and I really fell for him. I paid for everything every time he visited or I visited simply because I am very well off and I knew he needed his finances, so I never cared much. He broke up with me soon after, citing a lack of attraction as the cause. It made me super insecure about my appearance and saying it was due to the expectations he had. I was overweight, but I was a powerlifter at the time and I was still physically fit due to my passion for sports, just less feminine than I would have liked. I have to mention that throughout the duration of this relationship on and off I lost all the weight and I'm in the best shape of my life now, objectively thin and athletic. This is relevant because that one comment he made when he dumped me cemented an insecurity in me related to my appearance that I carried throughout the entire relationship. Will become relevant later. Anyway, 3 months later, in September 2018, he said he really felt my absence and he came back around. We were once again in a relationship together. I thought it was going really well. In December 2018, he got cold feet again and left. He then came back February 2019 saying he had missed me. I had a turn of unfortunate events, namely my grandmother died in March 2019, which devastated me because I was an orphan since I was 3, and my grandparents raised me. In July 2019, I broke my leg and had to have really intense surgery and I got dumped while in the hospital bed the day of my surgery. The whole summer I was a mess because I couldn't walk and I had no one to help me. Somehow I survived it by myself. While he was always supportive, whenever it got too much he would flee and say I put too much responsibility on him, which I understand as he really needed to sort his life out. It was still very painful to deal with. In December 2019, 5 months later, I missed him terribly so I reached out and pursued him to come back. He took some convincing but eventually decided he wanted to be with me. This meant we were back together and this time we did not break up again until January 2021 for four days, he had done it in a rush and we talked and agreed we would work on things, so we date again until Friday last week, when I got dumped. Before I tell you about how I found out about the affair, I think it's important to explain the dynamic of the relationship: - I really poured my all into this. We were looking at houses I intended to buy for us to live in. The plan was that he would move countries for me, find a job here, and we'd live together. I was going to help him find a job. I didn't care that I had to give a lot, was ready to do anything for him. I was truly selfless, loyal and loved him unconditionally. - He often told me he loved and cared for me up to the very end. He was my rock. - We talked every day about everything and anything, supporting each other, we were extremely affectionate with one another. He was my best friend. I really poured my heart out to him, showered him in love every day, gave him gifts, told him how much I appreciated him and how I wanted to spend my life with him. He reciprocated. - We saw each other in person a total of four times, and apart from the first time at the end, we had a great time every single time, we were both super loving and warm and affectionate. He had some issues with intimacy due to ED and CSA problems, but I was very understanding. The sex was okay, I was a little bit shy and not as enthusiastic but I loved him so much and I was quite inexperienced so I just let him do anything he liked if he wanted to. We went on little daytrips and restarants and nice places, we felt like home to each other. - When we were apart, he wanted us to do things on cam, and I was always quite insecure about my appearance because he's a lowkey guy and never showered me in compliments after the first time he dumped me for lack of attraction (before I really got in shape) so I couldn't let myself go and it was quite awkward when we did it because there was never foreplay and he would give me commands which I would freeze at performing. It was because I needed to feel pretty and wanted to open up, and I never really did. I still wanted to try for him though so I asked him often if he would do it with me and he'd just avoid it and say he had health issues which meant he couldn't perform. In person it was far less nervewrecking, but online I just froze up. I often tried to send him pictures or texts hinting at it, but he most often ignored them which made me even more insecure because he's not into pictures or texts, just video, which we didn't even do that often as he very rarely initiated it. - Because of the above, we argued as we would go through dry spells and I told him I wanted to be complimented more, and for us to do more together, and he'd agree but it wouldn't happen. So then, I would just get disappointed and pull away a bit, which he reacted badly to. He also never said he was attracted to me outwardly after the situation from the beginning which to me made it worse. Arguments started getting bad after December 2020 because I kept bringing up the lack of intimacy (last time we ever did anything was November 2020) and I just wanted him to make me feel wanted and to try with me. From November 2020 to last week (march 2021) when we broke up, there was no intimacy at all despite my attempts. And he kept making up excuses why he couldn't do it with me. Now comes the bad part: So we broke up Friday last week, right. I found out from him in the past few days that he had been cheating on me for months, maybe even a year with the person he dumped to be with me! The girl from 3 years ago. Both emotionally and sexually. So remember the dry spell I just told you about where he said he had health issues? He was doing stuff with her the entire time. He said "well our relationship was already bad so I don't need to justify it". But he had committed to working on things with me and he was loving every day and yes, we argued, but we also had good days. He could have just dumped me. Here's the worst part: Today, he told me in detail about how I was a dead fish in bed and he would go and fly over to *** this girl, record porn and put it online as per her consent. He also told me she was happily participating in sex with him and enthusiastic which according to him I hadn't been. That he wanted to exert dominance. He then said how they also had an emotional connection from years ago and that when he dumped her to be with me, she didn't like that decision and was sad about it. He regretted having been ***ty with her at the time. It shocked me, really wasn't expecting it. All I wanted was to build my life with this guy. I thought that was what we'd mutually agreed to work on until the very end, but he said in that same conversation he'd been checked out for months so didn't need to justify the cheating as he hedged his bets. What is worse, the girl he is going to *** thought we broke up in January and never got back together since. He never told her we got back together days later and just continued to do stuff with her online. Because I was so sad and felt so worthless, I tried to get him to come back telling him what I would do differently and he said he didn't trust me, because in the past I'd said I would stop being so insecure and creating these uncomfortable situations after years since he told me about the lack of attraction and that I would show him more enthusiasm but I never did so he didn't believe at all that I was capable of anything else. And he said he wasn't going to suggest an open relationship because he knew i'd find it insulting, but he told me he was going to *** this girl because it is what he wanted and I couldn't stop him from doing so. Since all this transpired, I feel like the most worthless person on earth and I am seriously considering ending my life and I am posting here in hopes of feeling a little less horrible about what just happened. I could really use your perspective here. Thank you so much. tl;dr: ex boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend for months and graphically described all the sexual things he was going to do with her and said I was a dead fish. Heartbroken. Please help.
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