Spin-Off of Thread 'When You Look Good, You Feel Good (Now Locked at My Request)

[Jaunty]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Kim!  See below in case you missed it. 😀

Let's try and keep this thread positive, okay?  

Thanks!!! 

Having a different perspective from you and bringing it into a discussion is not necessarily negative, even though it's your thread.  Getting the other points of view is what helps us grow, right?

I really don't think you are getting pushback because you are going to give another shot with this guy.  It's just the dynamic and / or pattern that is spurring the discussion.   

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Having a different perspective from you and bringing it into a discussion is not necessarily negative, even though it's your thread.  Getting the other points of view is what helps us grow, right?

Yes of course but I don't see how commenting about how "abruptly I change my opinion" adds to the discussion

Especially since I had already responded when you made the same comment.

It was a dig imo and not necessary or helpful.

 

[boltnrun]

I didn't suggest or recommend you "pretend everything's fine" during a first meet. That's an interesting interpretation of what I wrote, though!

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't suggest or recommend you "pretend everything's fine" during a first meet. That's an interesting interpretation of what I wrote, though!

OK, but if I say and do nothing and sit with my emotions before taking any action, isn't that essentially what I'd be doing?  

Pretending all is okay when it's not? 

Can you clarify?  

My thoughts are why not just be REAL with each other and let it all play out organically? 

Which in our case is turning out to be a good thing!  

So far anyway.  I will know more  tonight.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Bat!  I'm seeing him again because since this all went down, he has demonstrated a side to him, certain qualities that I find quite appealing and attractive!  That I either had not noticed before or didn't consider given I was so hung up on his clothing attire.

I'm not concerned about his attire anymore.  He is who he IS, true to himself which are more important to me..

Plus I don't think he's going show up tonight looking like he did on our meet.  I'd rather not disclose why I think that but we've been chatting quite a bit since, some things have been revealed, so again all good!!

 

Remember what you wrote about expectations and crashing? You know almost nothing about him let alone sides of him. Maybe the side of his clothing since you noticed what he wore. You have no clue if he is true to himself or putting on a show. Or something in between. Maybe he’s experimenting too. Challenging his notions of whatever - how to presented himself. I’d go only cause it might be fun. Zero expectations 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Remember what you wrote about expectations and crashing? You know almost nothing about him let alone sides of him. Maybe the side of his clothing since you noticed what he wore. You have no clue if he is true to himself or putting on a show. Or something in between. Maybe he’s experimenting too. Challenging his notions of whatever - how to presented himself. I’d go only cause it might be fun. Zero expectations 

Good point which is why, despite my more positive feelings, I'm lowering my expectations and taking a 'wait and see' approach and will see how things play out on our date tonight.

And if we get on well tonight I will continue with that same 'wait and see' approach and observing.

I am looking forward to seeing him though, I admit that.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Good point which is why, despite my more positive feelings, I'm lowering my expectations and taking a 'wait and see' approach and will see how things play out on our date tonight.

And if we get on well tonight I will continue with that same 'wait and see' approach and observing.

I am looking forward to seeing him though, I admit that.

Of course - why bother if you’re not looking forward. My newly separated friend also has a second date via online tonight and she just ended things after 4 dates with another online guy. Living vicariously through her adventures too lol. She’s in her 40s and might be 20 years since she dated. 

[Jaunty]

59 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK, but if I say and do nothing and sit with my emotions before taking any action, isn't that essentially what I'd be doing? 

That is not true at all and I'm sure you know this.  No one is suggesting "repressing" feelings here.

Haven't we all heard many times in our lives by now that we are better off not to act on our emotions immediately and that we should, indeed, sit with them?   

The instant thing is indeed  "reaction."   We are better off "responding" to things that trigger our emotions.  

A reaction usually happens within a very short time frame and there are some chemical aspects that go hand in hand with them which are rarely advantageous unless a person is legitimately in a life or death / fight or flight situation.   Then they are useful.

Being reactive is not advantageous in everyday life circumstances.   Acknowledging whatever emotional reaction we had and applying our reasoning skills to it is a better approach than to just jump right into action based on emotion.  

This is very true in successful relationships, especially if somebody knows that they have a temper, or hormonal mood changes, or have been under stress.   Do NOT act on it, do sit with it.   

Sometimes our "feelings" do not need to be shared with anybody - and sometimes, the person who inspired them is not an appropriate recipient for the sharing.

 

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I do this^ sometimes but definitely not always.  But yes sometimes I do when presented with new information or another way of viewing the situation.

It's not so much being a "pleaser" as much as me being open to new ways of thinking and viewing the situation versus rigid and closed to new ideas and possibilities.

 

 

 

As the saying goes, don’t be so open minded that your brain falls out 😘

 

x

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Bat!  I'm seeing him again because since this all went down, he has demonstrated a side to him, certain qualities that I find quite appealing and attractive!  That I either had not noticed before or didn't consider given I was so hung up on his clothing attire.

I'm not concerned about his attire anymore.  He is who he IS, true to himself which are more important to me..

Plus I don't think he's going show up tonight looking like he did on our meet.  I'd rather not disclose why I think that but we've been chatting quite a bit since, some things have been revealed, so again all good!!

 

Rainbows! 
 

It’s great you’re having a second time round with this and I personally think maybe on the first date if you had seen the date through (since you were there anyway!) these feelings of interest may have started to bubble in person! (But, who knows!)

 

I would just add that with the talking back and forth between dates, and the way the last one went down regarding how he presented himself (absolutely your prerogative don’t worry about that) - just a note of caution that you don’t want to fuss or scare him into potentially not being himself, or now from this point forward presenting a front he thinks you may prefer? 
 

Just thought I might add that because ideally on dates you don’t want facades or masks and you want the other person as reasonably honest as possible. In an ideal world this would be the case, I realise we live in reality here! 
 

x

[kim42]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Kim!  See below in case you missed it. 😀

Let's try and keep this thread positive, okay?  

Thanks!!! 

I honestly don't see any negativity in my comment, it was just a statement - some of us have noticed this about you on this forum.

I didn't say you shouldn't go on a second date or stop talking to him. As I said, I simply don't understand this sudden change about this guy but if you are up for a second date with him, I don't think anyone over here is trying to change your mind.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

 

30 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

That is not true at all and I'm sure you know this.  No one is suggesting "repressing" feelings here.

Haven't we all heard many times in our lives by now that we are better off not to act on our emotions immediately and that we should, indeed, sit with them?   

The instant thing is indeed  "reaction."   We are better off "responding" to things that trigger our emotions.  

A reaction usually happens within a very short time frame and there are some chemical aspects that go hand in hand with them which are rarely advantageous unless a person is legitimately in a life or death / fight or flight situation.   Then they are useful.

Being reactive is not advantageous in everyday life circumstances.   Acknowledging whatever emotional reaction we had and applying our reasoning skills to it is a better approach than to just jump right into action based on emotion.  

This is very true in successful relationships, especially if somebody knows that they have a temper, or hormonal mood changes, or have been under stress.   Do NOT act on it, do sit with it.   

Sometimes our "feelings" do not need to be shared with anybody - and sometimes, the person who inspired them is not an appropriate recipient for the sharing.

 

In some or even most instances yes absolutely! 

Like in an established relationship or at work.  When feeling upset, go for a walk, do yoga, breathe, sit with the emotions for a bit before reacting.  

But a first meet?  I hardly think this warrants sitting with my emotions for 24 hours before determining I was not attracted and politely excusing myself.  Come on Jaunty you know that too. 

There was no emotional outburst or "reaction." No big scene or drama..

What happened was which often happens in many dating situations is the person who did the rejecting, upon further reflection, had a change of heart.  And decided to give it another chance. 

And again had things not played out precisely the way they did, with me rejecting, him reaching out, me reflecting, the outcome may have been entirely different and this second date possibly not even happening. 

It all played out precisely how it was meant to, as the Universe intended, in this particular situation - a first meet.

I have zero regrets. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, mylolita said:

just a note of caution that you don’t want to fuss or scare him into potentially not being himself, or now from this point forward presenting a front he thinks you may prefer? 

Fair point and the sense I have of him now after all the chat, meeting him, this experience and how he handled it, is he is a man who is sure of himself, dances to his own drummer, not influenced by society or what others think including women, is comfortable in his own skin and confident.

I read in another thread how you had a very strong sense of your husband's character very early in, like on the second date, you knew he had good character, was strong and certainly no pushover. 

That's the sense I have about this man too.  

Of course it's literally impossible to know but I'm a perceptive person, I will know tonight if my sense about him is correct.

Thanks!  

 

[mylolita]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

In some or even most instances yes absolutely! 

Like in an established relationship or at work.  When feeling upset, go for a walk, do yoga, breathe, sit with the emotions for a bit before reacting.  

But a first meet?  I hardly think this warrants sitting with my emotions for 24 hours before determining I was not attracted and politely excusing myself.  Come on Jaunty you know that too. 

There was no emotional outburst or "reaction." No big scene or drama..

What happened was which often happens in many dating situations is the person who did the rejecting, upon further reflection, had a change of heart.  And decided to give it another chance. 

And again had things not played out precisely the way they did, with me rejecting, him reaching out, me reflecting, the outcome may have been entirely different and this second date may not even be happening. 

It all played out precisely how it was meant to, as the Universe intended, in this particular situation - a first meet.

I have zero regrets. 

 

I don’t mean to get on at you Rainbows, but I just want to inject my two thoughts on your post if that is okay? Again, I am not coming at you!

 

First - first first! First impressions are often subconscious and can absolutely be trusted if you are in tune with that part of yourself; and trust your judgement. If on thinking about your date, if generally something was “off”, and you thought that, I would actually trust your own judgement. But! If it was purely attire and presentation and nothing else? I can see why you could be persuaded to go for Date Two! 
 

And secondly. I don’t want to be like the atheist that trashes religion. But the universe giving people things and coming into alignment for individuals lives to me, is so wrong. What about the five year old boy who is raped by his father every other night for 10 years? Is this spiritual alignment? Was that “meant to be?” 
 

Things just happen in my opinion. Horrible, unspeakable unfair things, and beautiful amazing things too, and inbetween things, for many many different factors. But I don’t think the universe and all it’s workings and unknown solar systems cares about our tinder dating lives or if we were taken aback if someone wore cargo shorts 😜 

 

Just had to put that alternative opinion out there.

 

Sometimes I think maybe the mantra that “everything happens for a reason” can be like an adult soother, and in my humble opinion, holds absolutely zero logic or basis on reality. 
 

Sometimes when we realise things happen out of our control, but that the things happening to us can have controlled reactions from us, to some extent, can actually be empowering, rather the notion we are just entities waiting for our fates, blowing through life, our stars a pattern that will align someday. I don’t mean to patronise or say this is your philosophy, but sometimes I have heard similar things said and felt it hurts the person more than aids them.

 

All the best Rainbows! 
 

My personal and private thinking opinion is you need to trust yourself more and turn inside and say, what do you think, and what do you want? Rather than how he’s acting 💕

 

x

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair point and the sense I have of him now after all the chat, meeting him, this experience and how he handled it, is he is a man who is sure of himself, dances to his own drummer, not influenced by society or what others think including women, is comfortable in his own skin and confident.

I read in another thread how you had a very strong sense of your husband's character very early in, like on the second date, you knew he had good character, was strong and certainly no pushover. 

That's the sense I have about this man too.  

Of course it's literally impossible to know but I'm a perceptive person, I will know tonight if my sense about him is correct.

Thanks!  

 

It’s absolutely fine Rainbows and honestly I am truly on the side of romance and love I mean, by God I am!!!

 

It was probably very different with me and my husband as I was quite fanatically romantic in that, I had remained a virgin and was going to stay that way until I met The Guy. I happened to meet my husband at 18. But I’d never even kissed anyone or even dated. I knew straight away I was in love, he felt the same. We are both atheists by the way so not traditional religious types, which makes my stance and way of dating maybe quite unusual in 2008 (ohhh way back when!!!) 

 

I didn’t have any of what you have said about zero attraction and then feeling like he didn’t make any effort and only having a half hour date. And we didn’t meet online! The attraction for me was absolutely instant and we were never apart after our third date. Sometimes I think the way it panned out was pretty exceptional and, it seems, very rare. I’m not religious but the only suitable way to describe it for me would be - soul mates! 
 

Anyway, we’ve had our hiccups don’t get me wrong but, our honeymoon phase never really ended! Everyone told me 3 months, 1 year… and I’m still waiting 🤫🤣

 

When you find the right one the thing is it is very EASY! And there is no debate! It was very clear to me! It doesn’t mean you don’t have problems - anything going on 16 years with 3 kids under 6 years old is busy, but the love is always there, and we’re honestly best friends - partners in crime! 
 

You need your partner in crime! 
 

I would maybe suggest you look back and read the things you said about elevator guy before your first date, after and during, and see how they compare to this? Everyone is an individual of course but, I think you need to be rock solid regarding what you want Rainbows and when you are solid in your conviction of that, you’ll be able to know it when you see it! ♥️

 

I do genuinely say all the best! 
 

It is very hard for anyone to speculate over the internet. We just don’t know. You are there living and breathing it so you’re gonna have to call the shots and make your own mind up on this guy! 
 

You know more than you think!!!!

 

x

[Wiseman2]

Since you're going out tonight for another look-see you don't need to "sit with" anything or analyze  anything. Everything you need to know will be in front of you. 

Personally I think it's wise to revisit this especially if you feel you overreacted or judged too soon. Upon further description of his behavior he seems like a decent guy.  The cookies the olive branch etc.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, mylolita said:

First impressions are often subconscious and can absolutely be trusted if you are in tune with that part of yourself; and trust your judgement. If on thinking about your date, if generally something was “off”, and you thought that, I would actually trust your own judgement. But! If it was purely attire and presentation and nothing else? I can see why you could be persuaded to go for Date Two! 

I've thought about this^^ Lolita, and not sure if you've read all my posts but after further reflection, my initial impression was more about ME than him and his clothing attire. 

My anxieties, my fears, my bias. 

It's true I did not care for his presentation re his attire that evening, however after acknowledging my own bias about it and learning more about him through our chats since, I have decided to try again. 

That's all this is really, nothing too deep, a simple change of heart. 💛

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since you're going out tonight for another look-see you don't need to "sit with" anything or analyze  anything. Everything you need to know will be in front of you. 

Personally I think it's wise to revisit this especially if you feel you overreacted or judged too soon. Upon further description of his behavior he seems like a decent guy.  The cookies the olive branch etc.

Thank you!  

It's all a journey and one great big learning experience imo.  All good no matter how it ultimately plays out.

[mylolita]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've thought about this^^ Lolita, and not sure if you've read all my posts but after further reflection, my initial impression was more about ME than him and his clothing attire. 

My anxieties, my fears, my bias. 

It's true I did not care for his presentation re his attire that evening, however after acknowledging my own bias about it and learning more about him through our chats since, I have decided to try again. 

That's all this is really, nothing too deep, a simple change of heart. 💛

 

 

No worries Rainbows! 
 

I was just making sure you aren’t being persuaded easily and pulled in directions, even though innocently, by other forces that aren’t from within you. 
 

I will stick my ore in for the last time and peep peep that if you had met your date in real life and not online, you would have seen him potentially to chat with in his scruffs and maybe this incident would have never happened? 
 

You never know! I still say DITCH ONLINE DATING! 🧹💃🤣

 

But Y’know I’m old fashioned to a big extent so, I preach that preach 😆🔨

 

x

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you!  

It's all a journey and one great big learning experience imo.  All good no matter how it ultimately plays out.

To some extent Rainbows but you don’t want to get yourself into trouble or broken heart territory for no reason. 
 

Life is not a game and as Sneaker Pimps did say, “love is just a blood sport!” 
 

Our time is very limited. I would make your decisions seriously, actually, but we are all differently minded and go about things in much different ways - again, best of luck and enjoy your date and his dress shirt! 🤪🤫

 

x

[Jaunty]

57 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But a first meet?  I hardly think this warrants sitting with my emotions for 24 hours before determining I was not attracted and politely excusing myself.  Come on Jaunty you know that too. 

No, I don't.   The difference is that if I had such a strong and definite NO upon the first meeting, I would not have re-visited it.   I can recognize in that moment that I might be REACTING to something and not really experiencing an authentic response.   If that is possible, I will wait.  

I did my time with OLD and the only real wasted hours were the ones where I did not honor my initial NO.   Gave people a chance when there was no chance, and I knew it, but they were "good" or "nice" or other positive things.  But they were not for me.

Anyway, as it turns out, though you didn't wait 24 hours or whatever, you DID come to a completely different point of view. 

So your first one, to which you reacted instantly, was evidently not the authentic one.

You are pretty devoted to your mantra of "live in the moment" and to your sense of intuition but I don't think that anyone can go wrong with giving themselves some breathing room between experiencing feelings and responding to them - unless, as I said, it's a potential crisis situation.   

In any case, you're obviously comfortable with the progression of events, so I hope it all turns out to be positive for both of you, whatever path it takes.

Edited to add:

No matter how it pans out, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share with us what the guy decided to wear on your upcoming date!  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Guys, just want to say I appreciate all your responses, each and every one, and thank you. 

But I'm going to stop responding now and sign off until after our date tonight with an update. 

I feel comfortable with my decisions and we are both looking forward to seeing each other, we're doing Mexican, casual. 😀

But TBH and no disrespect to anyone because I know you're all trying to help, this thread is starting to bring me down now.

So gonna sign off, do some yoga, go for a walk, relax, clear my mind, get ready and go meet him. 

I'll update tomorrow.  

Ciao. 💛

[mylolita]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

No, I don't.   The difference is that if I had such a strong and definite NO upon the first meeting, I would not have re-visited it.   I can recognize in that moment that I might be REACTING to something and not really experiencing an authentic response.   If that is possible, I will wait.  

I did my time with OLD and the only real wasted hours were the ones where I did not honor my initial NO.   Gave people a chance when there was no chance, and I knew it, but they were "good" or "nice" or other positive things.  But they were not for me.

Anyway, as it turns out, though you didn't wait 24 hours or whatever, you DID come to a completely different point of view. 

So your first one, to which you reacted instantly, was evidently not the authentic one.

You are pretty devoted to your mantra of "live in the moment" and to your sense of intuition but I don't think that anyone can go wrong with giving themselves some breathing room between experiencing feelings and responding to them - unless, as I said, it's a potential crisis situation.   

In any case, you're obviously comfortable with the progression of events, so I hope it all turns out to be positive for both of you, whatever path it takes.

 

As a hot head with a terrible temper, who reacts overly emotionally to plenty, I was nodding when reading this about the waiting before reacting! 
 

x

[mylolita]

18 hours ago, mylolita said:

As a hot head with a terrible temper, who reacts overly emotionally to plenty, I was nodding when reading this about the waiting before reacting! 
 

x

Robert Greene 😎

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

Lolita, I just watched the RG video and agree with it!  I agree with most of what he espouses.  If you recall my earlier post:

On 5/4/2024 at 9:27 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

with introspection since, I realize my over-top-reaction (which it was thinking back and reading my own posts) was based more on what was going on with ME rather than him. 

My anxieties, my fears about godonlyknowswhat, my hangups about what's "appropriate" or what's not appropriate, to name a few.

Anyway guys, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, but wanted to give an update.

We had a great time! 

He picked me up (in his truck NOT a rental haha), we had a margarita at mine first, and he took me to a great little Mexican place by the border (US and Mexico) and we ate authentic Mexican, there was mariachi music we danced!  

He cleans up nice!  LOL 😆 

He wore a black polo shirt, jeans and sandals (different from first meet). 

He also has LOTS of tattoos on his arms which adds to his style that I didn't pay much attention to the first time. 

Anyway, I can't even explain the feeling I had when I saw him again, 100% different from the first time and it wasn't just because of his appearance.  The entire energy between us seemed different!

I don't typically do two days in a row but we're seeing each other again later - bowling!  Which may sound corny to some but I really enjoy. So does HE.

There's a cool place not too far from here that besides bowling is also a trendy sports bar... 

Needless to say I'm glad I was able to get over my hangup and gave this another chance!!

Wow what a difference.  I'm still processing but it feels good. 😍