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mylolita

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  1. Cheers Jib! I’m intrigued now! Was this a corny cringe book that your friend was hyped up about and you glance read and then couldn’t bring yourself to say it’s only good for the fire love? 😉 You are making me think of a similar situation I was in a year back! Hard if you don’t have a poker face! Lo x
  2. Thanks Dias! Helpful as always chuck! x
  3. Hi barofsoap! In my humble opinion, this relationship/sexual situation hardly ever works and basically never works long term. May be the very tiny exception. I am coming at this from the perspective of liberal thinking when it comes to sexuality as well. My husband and I went through a few years of visiting private members clubs where you could do anything with anyone there - guess you could call them swingers clubs but you were vetted and members only. Anyway, from experience, people who engage in fun within another relationship need to be absolutely rock solid and on the exact same page. You also need some ground rules and the same expectations. You both don’t seem to have this. Your unhappiness is proof alone this is not the right situation for you - I think you deserve better! Go out and find someone who wants the same things you want and will make you number uno! You owe it to yourself! All the best, Lo x
  4. Hi Pea, Not only do I think this is deeply sad, shocking, and repulsive but I would want to go further. Depending on your relationship with his sister, I would even speak with her and ask her if she ever wanted to go the the police. I know this seems dramatic, but I say this because often, people who sexually abuse children don’t do it once and they often have a history. You could be unearthing something. This could be the tip of the iceberg. Whether to stay with this utter creep is a complete no brainer in my opinion. We are not in your relationship, I understand it is easy for people from a distance to say leave but with all said I strongly think it must be done. I would also be worried about sending this guy away with the information he has given you and wondering about the safety of anyone else. I don’t know what the protocol is but you could mention this confession to the police. They may have an investigation open already on him. It sounds dramatic but it could help, or make the authorities aware. Does he have any contact with other children? Baby sitting? A job that has him in contact with minors? See a young family member on the regular? If so you should make them aware to protect any other children he could be in contact with. As a parent; I would want to know. As others have also said, at 12/13 - I am sorry, we all know what is deeply wrong at that age, no excuses. He went back and did it again also, not that it makes the first time any less wrong but you know, he knew how wrong it was yet he went back and raped his toddler sister again. This is his version of the story as well. He tells you he only looks at porn with older women. This may be true, this may be false. I guess it counts for something that he confessed. This really is such a horrible and difficult situation. Depending on your relationship at the least I would reach out to his sister. She might not remember this and want to press charges, at least inform the authorities. It is a funny thing but often with early childhood trauma we can block and “forget” things. It is a complex thing, memory and trauma. In the UK here, we had two famous “child” killers who were 12/13/14 at the time. They lured and horrifically abused and then killed a 3 year old boy. At that age, they knew exactly what they were doing. I think the whole nation was outraged when they were released in their 20s because when they committed that crime they weren’t adults. A very complicated situation for the legal system but God, did they know what they were doing. No excuses.
  5. Hi Pillow, Don’t know if I am too late but thought I would chime in on this as I have real time experience! Ha! I was 18 and my now husband was 27 when we first met. 14 years on and 3 kids later we are still married! He was my first ever boyfriend! I know exactly where you are coming from - the gap does raise a few brows at that age because the distance seems more between a late teen and a young adult than say ten years between a 30 year old and a 40 year old. As others have said, it shouldn’t matter a jot what other people think as long as you feel this is the right decision for both of you. It does sound corny but age is just as number. What matters is that you are deeply compatible, want the same things in life (make sure she isn’t wanting to go off travelling for 5 years and you want to settle down etc). As Jibralta has mentioned above, even as late teenagers most people are still not very mature. There are exceptions! My husband dealt with some kind of, teen dramatics in the form of hot headed out bursts and moodiness and over the top-ness but I am still like that anyway, at 31, so some traits aren’t always just down to age. It all depends how serious you are about her. Make sure you both want the same things. Don’t toy with her, imply something serious when it’s not or give her the wrong impression. When you are the much older one in a relationship the moral compass and responsibility does lie with you in a way. Women sometimes lean towards older men for their maturity, confidence, stability, self awareness and knowing what they now want in life. Those tend to be the major benefits of an age gap, especially if the younger one is unusually mature for their age. Feel out what each of you expect and want out of this. My advice would be if this is a fling with a younger woman make sure she knows that, because if she does want to get into something serious with you she might be expecting much more from you than she would another 19 year old guy (marriage and family sooner, maybe). As others have said, go for that coffee and really get to know each other. If you have good, straight forward intentions you don’t need to worry about what other people think. Lo x
  6. Afternoon Adee! I don’t know whether I am late in on this but how you feel during and after pregnancy can be similar for some women each pregnancy they have or dramatically different. Just because you are very sick in one pregnancy does not mean the same fate for the next but, if you have health conditions without being pregnant (as it seems!) I would strongly suggest having a long conversation with your doctor before embarking on another one! As others have said, only a doctor will know medically what is sensible and right for you. Everyone is different. Pregnancy and child birth are funny things - you can have one woman, healthy as anything on paper, perfect, and have the worst pregnancy plagued with depression and health issues and a bad labour and then you can take an obese chain smoking red bull addict who sails through all the trimesters and doesn’t even gain one stretch mark and will tell you she even lost weight whilst being pregnant! I know this is a little extreme and generally women tend to follow a pattern, the healthier and younger you are the more likely it is to have a smooth, complication free pregnancy but this as we know is not always guaranteed. From a personal perspective, I have had three children up to now. I have a son, 3 and a half, I was pregnant with him at 27 gave birth at 28. Effortless pregnancy and labour but I suffered a great deal mentally, during and after I would say. But then again, I have always suffered with my moods. My second baby is my girl, she has just turned 2. I just felt more tired, running after a toddler. Again, had some mental hiccups after she was born adjusting emotionally to it all. I had my third baby girl a month ago. I was the most tired during this pregnancy and have found after the birth my body has not snapped back as fast as the other two and I still get aches and pains abs light cramping (after birth pains). Even in perfect health, pregnancy, giving birth and raising babies will test anyone! Don’t take the decision lightly (as you aren’t) but I also understand the deep desire brooding for another baby can leave you carrying around so, you want to take all that medical advice, have some long chats with your husband and armed with information make the right decision for you and your family. People get through a lot when things are sprung on them, but if you are actively going to plan another pregnancy I am sure you want to make it as smooth as possible for not only yourself but, your existing child and husband. You can message me anytime! PS - I had and have weird joint aches and pains that feel like almost mild arthritis after each pregnancy. I was shocked at 28, in very good health and fit and frolicking as a new born lamb to wake up with stiff, aching wrists and ankles for months and months after my son was born. It can do funny things to your immune system. PPS - maybe contact a medical specialist on autoimmune disorders to cover all bases? Some doctors only cover general medical issues and seeing a private consultant or specialist can really open the doors to investigating what is causing your ailments. My dear, best of luck! I am sorry no one here can give you a straight answer but to go ahead with a pregnancy or adoption, only you and your husband can make that decision. Best, Lo x
  7. Oh my goodness! The best news you can ever hear - beautiful! I don’t know you J.man not sure if you already have children but if you don’t. Wow! Get ready for amazement! And if you do - wow! Get ready to be amazed all over again! HA! We just had our third a month ago, a baby girl - my heart is good to burst! Love the sonogram! What a picture! A character already! All the best, Lo x
  8. LaHermes! I am finding shooting from the hip an awesome, liberating and terrifying experience but at the same time something that, in my opinion, seems to get easier as we age. Or is it just me? I was so agreeable in my younger days. Only outwardly though, and that is what caused the horrible conflict within me that I think also exploded out of me unconfined and capped no longer! Firstly at my immediate family, who I had always secretly wanted to "give it too!" and then friends, who were never really friends in the first place. I knew this deep down, but wouldn't fully admit it to them or myself. And the truth shall set you free! Or so they say! Telling your own father who you previously spent years thinking you admired to "get out of my house" was never a great feeling, but I think it was a turning point in my life where I became my own person, or took a big step towards that, whether I knew it or not. Our relationship has never been the same, but it was a fake fronted facade of a relationship to start with, so what I have lost, truly, I don't think I ever had. And a Libra alternative universe prosecutor! A great combo! I don't believe in star signs either! Haha! But it is fun. I immediately write people off if one of the first things they ask me is what's your sign? 😉 Ahhh! Thank you LaHermes. I don't know. I always wanted to write a book. Y'know, people say things like this and don't mean it but I really wouldn't care about any commercial success or anyone thinking it was good or proper or right or any of that. I would just want it to be an honest expression and I would like to do it to tick off the list. I have always wanted to only do a few things in life, corny and undramatic as they are. They were: Fall in love Have children Publish a book I don't care if it ever got anywhere. I have already ticked off my first two, extremely happily, like the cat that got the cream! I am thinking three outta three would be too good! But maybe I should just get on and do it and get it out of me and draw a line under that secret goal I have always harboured. I always think if I do ever publish anything, the only way I would ever be able to write anything deeply and honestly would be to simply forget my family and friends and even my husband even exist, because whilst thinking what they would think whilst reading what I write would hinder me and I sometimes wonder if the judgement of the people who are closest to me is what stops me putting any of anything I think or feel out there in black and white. There's being vulnerable and then there is being *vulnerable* and I don't know whether I have the balls to do it! You ever had a little goal or ambition or dream that you didn't even dare speak out loud? x
  9. Jib! That is a huge huge compliment coming from yourself as I would say you are the writer on this forum here! You have a lovely turn of phase. There is no talent to anything I do, seriously, I just write how I would talk. Talk how I would write. If that is decent I don't know. Grammar and everything and technically it's all over the place. What's a girl to do ay! I just like gabbing on! Lo x
  10. LaHermes! Thank you for your response! You just sound like a much more cultured and interesting person than me! I am full of self pity and God, just so many terrible traits, why bother listing them! Moody! I can genuinely see how people would like you. When I say people like me, I think that is probably the wrong term. I don't think many people like me at all! Stick around for the show? Find me kind of, weirdly, amusing? Or, like the unpredictability? Or a slight eccentricity? I don't know. I do envy your lovely parents. I think there must be hardy anything better than amazing, loving parents. My parents were loving don't get me wrong but as an adult, and how they now interact with me, as an adult myself, I look back and the rose tinted glasses kinda cease with the tint thing. Maybe that is human nature. I am trying not to judge. Thank you for reading my stupid stuff and I always appreciate your comments. You are a fellow romantic it may seem. Not many of us left! Not many at all. Lo x
  11. Dias, Don't worry, I am definitely NOT the next JK Rowling! You may be disappointed to find out I am a normal and very ordinary lady with a bit of a temper just trying to be honest with myself and try to be authentic to myself and just basically, trying not to be a b********er which is what I spent the first half of my life being. For me, it's so horrible, thinking and being something and outwardly suppressing that because your family wouldn't approve or you would have no friends or you feel like the only reason anyone likes anyone is because they keep their mouth shut and are nice and palatable and give out fake compliments all the time. Sometimes this journal is the splurge for me to get a little piece of mischief out and maybe its therapy to some bizarre extent. Whether it is "writing" honesty, I thank you, so so much, it would be just the biggest compliment to me, aside from being a good wife and mother, but this is not a humble brag but I am not a writer. I love to write, I aways have. I could argue I NEED to write. Whether that makes it good or not is a totally different question. I am selfish and self absorbed inside my own little mind. I enjoy writing about myself, people close to me, feelings. Whether I could find the courage or imagination to write and create a character and storyline, I really doubt it. And, how many t***y bar stories want to be punished? I don't know! But, thank you, all the same - honestly. And PS - I love the idea of being intense, but I don't even think that is me. Probably, passionate, yes. I am forceful in what I believe in and who I am, in my own jumped up redheaded little way! I asked my husband if I was an intense person, he said no... but, he is kinda intense himself so 😉 maybe there is hope for that yet. HA! Lo x
  12. Spent a pleasant, warm, summers afternoon triggering the s***t out of my younger sister via text. I am 31, I should know better. But get this, Liberal Millennial Logic 101: If it is an opinion or fact I agree with, it is a moral, lovely, virtuous opinion and a correct, unquestionable and useful fact. If it is an opinion or fact I do NOT agree with, it is a hateful, spiteful, stupid opinion and an extremely biased, untrue and unproven non-fact. Can't be fact. Because I don't agree with that fact. So there. This is the attitude from a... I would say a woman, but more like a girl, who is about to turn 30 in November. Now, I have never been the sharpest tool in the shed. I'm no visionary. No big thinker. But! Compared to her! Frazzle my hair and call me Albert God damn Einstein, because we are looking at a fortified genius next to this jumped up know it all. I have realised in my old, old, sage age of 31 (ha), that I have a few pet hates in life, and these pet hates, man, do they grind my gears when they appear and I just can't tell you why. Sure, there is plenty that she hates about me, it is no secret, and again, not everyones morning cup of char myself, but this sibling! Yikes! Honestly. Now I can see why people like the backup of a spare to choose from! Anyway, my pet hate. Yes. THE PET HATE. The "siiiiiggggggghhh", "oookaaaaay, so, you're obViOuSlY too STOOPID to get on my level and understand this but, siiiiiiigggghhh, inhale of breath (so tedious), I guess I will attempt to explain why I know absolutely EVERYTHING too you, stupid idiot, and yes, thank me later, I'm so great and above it all and overall just a great lovely person yes yes." THAT MENTALITY. What my younger little sister also forgets after we don't speak for a year or two is that I grew up with her, shared a room with her, 18 years, top bunk. I KNOW her maybe more than anyone may just ever know her, because she is very dishonest and wears many a masks to many different people. What she also forgets is, we have had plenty of historic, verbal boxing matches before, and she also forgets that I know exactly how she plays dirty, and that her tricks don't work on me. Oh no! Remember, I got 2 years on you. I know exactly what made you scared in the night, I know all your wicked thoughts and I also know ya tried to practice kissing on me. I know a whole slew of things that were found out and then accompanied by a frantic "BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL MUM OR DAD". I got the dirt, I just don't use it, but it's been so long, she sometimes forgets that. Fatal error in a verbal argument from lil sis perspective. Cos she ain't got me! But back to her superior knowledge on everything. Somehow, she has been there, done it all, nows it all, and will tell you all about it and by the way, you wrong sista! Even if the topic is children. Which, by the way, she has none. Not one. Now, I know I am not exactly a veteran hardcore parent here. Two toddlers, 3.5 boy and girl turning 2, one on the way, any minute now. Only 7 years of marriage to speak of, lived with the Mr for 14 years altogether though but honestly, on the topic of raising young kids and marriage I am in my infancy. But the gall! She tells me she knows it all and this is how it's done regarding marriage and kids and completely disregards any advice or experience or opinion I have but she is just so high flying and has it all together and everything will be so much easier for her of course because unlike stupid silly me, she already worked it all out, before ever getting married or even y'know, knowing what that might mean and represent to anyone else or, ever even been with a toddler for more than an hour in her life, let alone experienced a committed relationship raising children and having to stick it together and actually work on your problems and take the amazing with the terrible. No, she knows it, I don't, and by the way? If I suggest I may be able to trump her knowledge on this topic with a lil bit of that silly thing called real life experience, the human kind, the real life kind? I am hateful, a monster, and yes, I am going to Mum and Dad to tell on you. SO THERE. And she's nearly 30. An afternoon well spent with the kids off my hands to argue with my sister? Maybe. Am I relaxed? Not sure. Have I just slightly balanced the scales of justice in the world and simply been honest because deep down I care about her life and want the best for her and want her to avoid any mistakes I may have made? Most definitely. Would she ever see it that way, even though I tell her that is my motivation and intention? Most definitely not. The best thing about it is, the freedom of not giving a flying fig about how she perceives me because she already hates me and we already dislike each other means she sometimes forgets I feel okay saying exactly what's on my mind to her. Whoops. Maybe I was just in a mood. Who knows. I'm so tired of veiling my words and giving quarter, half, smidgen truths to everyone to pump up their egos. I wish someone respected me enough to give me the cold, hard, beautiful truth and tell it too me exactly how it is, exactly how they feel it. The only person who has ever done that is Mr A and damn, that's why we're married. But then again, as my sister says, it's just a piece of paper that don't mean nothin'. So if it don't mean nothin' sister, then why don't you just flippantly do it anyway then? As Bowie once said, "Don't tell me truth hurts little girl, cos it hurts like hell". And I'm not even a fan of David Bowie. Over and out x
  13. Jib, That was the first car my husband ever bought me, I was 22 just passed my test it was a Christmas present. Awesome car, totally nuts, definitely Italian! Hope you’re well x
  14. Have loved lurking in on this thread! I am part of the last standing old romantics team here and one of the characterises of being romantic and a traditionalist is part of it doesn’t make any logical sense but you still do it anyway! Meeting the woman of your dreams and saying hey babe I can’t wait to cohabit with your for the rest of my life or sign a prenup just doesn’t have the same breathless vibe as this is the girl for me over the shoulder you go let’s get hitched and make 10,000 babies and I’d die for you a thousand times over with glee 😉 here have everything I own what’s yours is mine! I always think when you truly meet someone who blows you away you do anything to almost make sure that person knows they are eternally loved by you and you darn well sure they are not going to be getting away by having a better offer walk past! There is something also, can I say, weirdly sexy, in an explicit ownership vibe, when as a woman you take on your husbands last name. It almost symbolises leaving girlhood and entering his world and becoming part of his family and also creating your own unit together. When someone is introduced as “this is my wife” or “this is my husband” we all know how serious that is. When someone says “this is my partner” or “this is my girlfriend” I think most people when honest don’t take those titles as seriously, even if the couple have lived together for 20 years compared to the married couple of 5. It must be a serious proposition still, marriage, or why the discussion and reluctance? We know in our culture it still holds gravitas. If you really love a woman, get down on your knee boy, and if you don’t, I imagine the right one at the right time may just make them weak enough to give you no option 😉 But again, no use to the OP, just giving you my Gone With The Wind notions hahahahaha! Best of luck, romance and dreaming isn’t totally dead, Lo x
  15. Been thinking a lot like I do and especially when I get melancholy. I don't know why some people seem to like me. Through all my obvious faults and ravings and selfishness. Why and how? I swear, it sometimes seems almost sexual. I get some kind of sexual tension vibe going on. This is often from girls. I once met another Mum who had lolled casually in her arms what looked like a small baby but on instant second glance was obviously older but had something developmentally wrong. Wrongly or rightly, I felt pity well up from my stomach teamed with a kind of revulsion for this hippy lady before me. She was a bit younger looking than me, sloppy and messy, her pram seat covered in crumbs and food and the wheels I saw, a lovely lick of dog poo nudged into the treads. Bra strap slumped down over her shoulder, dark red hair scooped up in a hurried banana clip with spiked straight pieces poking and spilling out the gaps of the plastic. Bright blue eye makeup smudged on, odd miss matched, brightly coloured socks, rock climbing trainers. We got talking like chalk and cheese. I knew she was very friendly and my first impression of her was; childlike, but extremely lovely and kind, and I felt bad for how I felt towards her. I didn't feel worthy talking to her. I definitely didn't plan on becoming friends. I knew she was a better person than me straight away. I wasn't hesitant because of her son or how she looked, that didn't really matter to me really, but, I knew our personalities were a million solar systems away. She had this innocence to her, it kinda hit you in the face, made you want to take her in, shield her forever and also warn her of the perils of life all at once. She attached herself to me like I was a celebrity and she was heading up the fan club. Everytime I went to the library with my son and my brand new lil baby girl, she would shower me endlessly and embarrassingly with over the top, gushing compliments. She wanted my advice and opinion on everything. She tried to copy me. It pained me. It made me dreadfully sad. She got taking to calling me which I liked at first, never had someone who wanted to talk to me for hours over the phone but it started feeling like she was getting something from me I knew nothing about and I was left feeling as if I'd paid out or something weird. Besides the point, I once told her she shouldn't ever put herself down because honestly, you are really great and pretty and don't ever feel you are less than that. I really meant it as well. She did have a natural, unaware and carefree beauty. Sometimes, I would find myself wishing I was more like her, wanting her advice, kind of, envying her life in some ways, but it was always mixed with this horrible pity and I just knew I couldn't pity a true friend. And why should she have my pity anyway?! She probably pitied me. I was no better than her in any way. The dynamic was all wrong. She once turned to me and said, joyously, with these girlie crush eyes all big and lit up that, "It's very rare you meet someone as exciting as you." I didn't know what to say. I've had some blinders in my time but exciting, I don't think I am. I have been told glamorous, but for some reason, I never really take that as the compliment it is intended to be. It always makes me think "glamorous = conceited" and they have seen right through me all at once into my shallow soul. The bitter part of all of this is we fell out, like I always do with pretty much every other mother I've ever met or who kind of, attaches themselves too me. It wasn't even her fault. It never is. She was just being her. She had her opinions, I had mine, they didn't match on certain things and one day I cruelly told her I didn't want to hear it and that was that. A couple of rainy, dull months passed. I knew she would be manically and addictively running every morning and would stop when she got to our house. I found a wet envelope fallen in front of our door one morning. It was a card from her. In childish scrawl: "I hope you are well. Thinking of you, love...." and she had doodled in her naive and innocent style a basic picture of her, her husband and her son, waving. I can't tell you how sad it made me feel. After our argument and how wrong I had been, she still wanted to be there and talk with me and send me her silly drawings and honestly, it just broke my heart. I knew we would never work but it made me think, it's not her, it's me. I'm the problem. I'm the childish one. Too proud to write her back. All she ever said was, "You're so cool, you're so cool..." x
  16. It all started off about a week ago when my Dad sat across the room from me, half laughed and said, "I'm glad I'm not married to you." I had put the kids down on their naps and we were having what began as a casual conversation. My Dad is KING of the most phoney, lame, horrible and forced small talk you wouldn't even wish on your worse enemy. Makes you want to say something totally outrageous just to zap him out of his fake zombie gauntlet of questions he doesn't even care for the answer too. Anyway, this is how it started out. He asked me how I was. I said, sick of bills. Have bills coming out of our ears. Really what I meant was, completely stressed financially and personally, feeling unstable and unsure about our future, heavily pregnant, not wanting to be bothered by any of it and especially not wanting to be asked to take a turn through the pleasantry mill by my socially awkward father. D came in around this time and I just pressed on and explained we were under a bit of stress (not that he would have any real clue), and that, oh ho ho ho, I make a small joke, D will be losing the hair on his eyebrows next because I keep making demands on him. That's when my Dad said the next piece. Now I don't know why, but I found it creepy, and cutting, all at the same time. I didn't like it, not one bit. He then went on: "I always think, I'm glad I married your mother because she never pressured me to go further and she never wanted more. She has always been happy with what we've had..." and everything else he followed on with kind of echoed away as my mind instantly drifted into young childhood memories I had almost forgotten even happened of, my Mum in tears because my Dad had opened up their monthly credit card bill and she had gone over or, tears and stress as he discovered in the cupboard low and behold, a branded version of a food thing. I thought, you complete and utter b********r. Typical, typical, typical. My Mum always wanted more but was too pathetic and submissive to ever express that. My Mum is weak. My Mum took what she was always given without question. My Mum is very stupid, on paper and to talk too. My Mum is devious, mischievous, meddling and b****y. Without a spine or brain of her own, she has only confronted her wants and needs to my father what seems like quick little flashes in the windscreen on a rainy night from a passing bus. And my Dad was the puddle, coming up to soak the pedestrian. And that pedestrian was and is, my Mum. All at once I wish, like always, I never said anything. Why give them a shred. Why. They always use it to simply attack you with it. People seem to ignite in delight at any sign of struggle or discontent. People all along the close edges of my life, seemingly wiling me, hoping, for my failure. Or similar, to say, I told you so, I was right, I have the correct way, now don't you go trying to go do what you want and live how you want again. Rules are rules. And my rules, rule. I brush it off. I don't even defend myself. Why should I, I have nothing to apologise for. But the fights later on were because maybe I thought, in a horrible attack of rare conscience, that I DO have something to apologise for. And definitely not to someone like my Dad, but to my husband. The night kind of erupted in a horrible battle of words between me and D. Me saying how unhappy I was with everything, how stressed I felt, how unsatisfied and feeling like a total a*****e I was still living in this house and continuing our lifestyle that we apparently can no longer afford. It ended in me, being held by my husband, crying pathetically like a pregnant, spunky and spoilt 31 year old woman girl can only do whilst looking up to the chandelier above my head thinking, "F**k you, Jonathan Adler. F**k you." I thought that was the end, and probably so did D. Wrong. Once I get going, the pity party doesn't seem to stop, the train leaves the station but carries on somewhere else and it's a rolling buffet in the carriage and I CAN'T GET OFF and I CAN'T STOP taking a bite outta it. It's horrible. And completely shameful when the morning comes and you wake up with the memory of what you said and how you behaved and how you sounded. But still, I do it. Argument seemed to climax as we headed up another two floors and decided to take it up into the higher parts of the house where D asked my back, "What are you DOING?!" He can see me frantically rummaging around in the spare lead drawer of this antique chest and the whole thing is pulled out and I'm dishevelled and trying to unwind and cast free this laptop charger from the binds of the rest of all the other cables. Through my dramatic but very real at the time tears I managed to get out, "Getting the laptop charger!" And he says, "GOD WHY?!" And he probably thinks I want to hang myself with it or something. Pathetically I suddenly have realised, at 3am or even later than that, in the middle of an existential crisis, I am going to solve all our financial problems, take control finally of my life and start writing a frickin' novel because secretly I'm Charles b****y ***ens with curly red hair and I'm no longer going to be held back by him, aka the husband, my father, my cats mother mother or my sarcastic loser sister or my fake friends or my own desires or fears or any of it and this is obviously the way and by the way, yeah, YOU DON'T OWN ME I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN. So there. You can see why I want to die in the morning when the sedate, pleasant English sun creeps through the windows and welcomes in another cereal and orange juice family day. And I have to go on with this in the knowledge of the display I put on the night before. Undoable and cannot be undone, which is the worst thing about all of it. This was a whole week back. I don't know why I do it to myself. I invite my dreaded parents round again and I knew, dammit I just knew, I should never. I woke up in the worst mood. Dreadfully exhausted. I just wanted a day or half a days break. I just wanted to be with the kids with nothing much to do, or have D take them off me for a smidge so I could wallow in bed, try and nap and have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself. I let my Dad help me. At the end of the day, knowing we are going to be moving in the near future he says, "Please Lola, don't pick an old house for your next move. You won't have us there to pick up the pieces." Infuriated. They hardly help me and I never ask for it. We would rather pay for even basic jobs to be done then get my Dad to chip in with the odd end of DIY or screw tightening or whatever. I was furious all over again. Sounds of criticism filling my head. I think I am very raw at the moment. Everything is offending me. I am taking everything highly, highly personal. Everything is an attack on my morals and character and life choices and I feel sheer anger bubbling up inside me at this perceived threat. I just wanted to tell him to forget it. It's a good job it's not his life and it's a good job it's not his money and it's a good job I never ask your help or even care to have you live close by anyway! Hell, I WANT to move further away! It would be a PRIZE. Jesus! This house is well over 200 years old. It's beautiful. I love old buildings. Maybe they don't love me. I have an upkeep battle I have bitterly but respectfully waged with this property for over 6 years now. For their presence and elegance their structures need a bit of upkeep. But my God. Why can't they just say, it's looking great or, well done or, how about, not telling me kids how to act. How dare you. How about, answer the calls from your own 94 year old mother so she doesn't have to ring me distressed, because you play games and refuse to answer her for 4 days straight, and then smirk at me when I ask about it, and then tell Dad, within ear shot, that "Lola doesn't understand" as if I'm some idiot dummy who never spent a day growing up in this weird show of a family. Finding irritation in so many things and so many people. I always do, shoot me down, maybe I'm a horrible person. I'm tired of trying to pretend I like everyone I meet. God, I definitely do not and why should I, even if they are my own parents. Maybe I should comment on their living situations and their life choices and see how they take it. I wish I never told them anything. I mentioned I will probably have a home birth in about a month and a half, when our little wiggles is due. To my face, yes yes, great idea. Then I get texts streaming in all the next few days about, have you thought this through, why don't you go to a hospital, why this, why that. Why don't you please, respectfully, kindly, and dearly - shut up. I thank you. Sincerely, the mega b***h, Lo x
  17. WHAT a song Jib, this is one of my favourite tunes. Glad you enjoyed your cruise, nothing beats driving when no one else is around! x
  18. Hey itsallgrand! Why thank you dear, you would be absolutely MORE THAN WELCOME! Although, there is nothing more common than doing a "tour of the house" but, I'm not above it 😉 Are you into anything in particular? Lo x
  19. Our unsleepable friend gets the message on an ill-wind. 'All your friends and your foes would rather die than have to touch you' TO SAY THE LEAST: Truly disappointed truly, truly, truly, oh Drank too much, said too much, and there's nowhere to go but down. Young boy, I wanna help you. SEE THESE LINES? Truly disappointed truly, truly, truly, oh. Don't talk to me now about people who are "nice" 'cause I have spent my WHOLE LIFE in RUINS... because of people who were "nice" This world may lack style, I know, but each bud must blossom and grow. Young girl one day we really will be old. But the thing is: I love you NOW. This is the last song I will ever sing. No I've changed my mind again! GOODNIGHT AND THANK YOU.
  20. Is this not the pinnacle of relaxation or is it just me?!
  21. Going to shut up now because this is your journal! Best, Lo x
  22. Well exactly! Don’t leave it too late! Enjoy your time now, especially if you have the means too or can make it work! This song was written about Hartlepool! Absolutely love Morrissey. Definitely top 10 invited dream dinner party guest. If you could have anyone, dead or alive, at your ideal dinner party, who would they be? So many songs of his, and most I weirdly don’t find depressing at all! I love ‘A Boy With A Thorn In His Side’ and ‘Back To The Old House’ and God, there are so many aren’t there! I used to have an American pen pal friend back in my teenage days and he loved Morrissey. I didn’t realise he was so popular in America until he mentioned it. He’s like, the music for the outcast or fringe introvert or something. Poetry! x
  23. That’s alright Seraphim 😉 Lo x
  24. Jibralta babes! “And to the exasperation of many adults, I usually refused the money and did these things for free.” And this, my dear Jibralta, is why you are just too nice and not greedy enough to go into the mad mans world of going it alone 🥲 No but I jest, I wish you all the best! All the self employed people I know are almost allergic to working for anyone else and can’t take it for anymore than a few years to a decade max. But! You seem to be able to have a foot in one world and a foot in another and as you say, it’s not necessarily success and money you are after but happiness and for that I say, what you are doing now sounds perfect and makes you happy and I say kudos, that is a balance not many people get right in their lives. My husband worked for one company once, the only time he ever worked for anyone in his life. He had no qualifications in the area he was working in, but within 2 years there got his hands on the second highest position in the company and was the youngest to ever do it too, but! It was all mostly sales driven. All the while he was setting up his own business and left as soon as he could, I think after 3 years. He deals in speciality high value items now - art, antiques, fossils, natural history, sculpture, etc. This is obviously a lot different to an academic profession although his art and history knowledge is vast and he can pretty much give you the Latin name for most animals! As sedate and snobby as this area of deals can seem to the outside eye it is very cut throat and ruthless. I have met some insanely interesting people through his work though. And not bad considering he walked out of school at 15 with no qualifications because he was already buying and selling on CD’s then and burning/illegally copying computer games with a friend and was making more money than his sister at the time who had come out of university with a great degree and career. I remember him telling me he couldn’t stand them treating him like a kid, being told what to do and also he didn’t want to waste his time taking the exams because he knew they wouldn’t do anything for him anyway. After constantly being surrounded in life through his work with basically glorified “wheelers and dealers” ranging from people who set up HSBC banks in Hong Kong to software developers who sold their companies to property developers and authors and bohemians and ex models and their director ex husbands and on and on I can say that these people have never once tread the “safe path” or “steady road” and that they are all, in their own way, a little insane! Doesn’t mean it won’t work out for you but I do notice a definite set of personality traits amongst them. Anyway, eccentric characters aside, I don’t mean to come across pessimistic or jaded about your business goals Jib! I do wish you all the best! I don’t know you obviously, just from the odd interactions you just seem too sweet for that world, and, I mean that as a big compliment, not as a put down in anyway. I am curious about your well being classes! What is it that you do? A seminar type situation? Lo x
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