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Everything posted by ShySoul

  1. Contrary to much of what we are told and see through media, sex is not the essential and all encompassing element of relationships. While it is an enjoyable aspect, there are plenty of couples who do just fine with little or even no sex. Every relationship is different, and every individual has a different sex drive. There is nothing to feel ashamed about. It is also no one's business but your own. Unless you are telling them, how are they suppose to know? If they don't know, they can't judge. And even if they do judge, does there opinion really matter? If you and your partner are happy together, then what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. Sex is also more then just physical, it is mental and, especially, emotional. If a person is going through something stressful, it is difficult to lose yourself and allow yourself to be "in the mood." Given how stressful the year has been for everyone, it's understandable if she is not feeling it. Doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship. In fact, trying to force the two of you into romantic situations may just add more pressure and create an even more frustrating situation. Instead, try to relax and simply have fun together. If you want intimacy, learn to appreciate the little moments. Cuddling together while watching a movie, holding hands while taking a walk, talking and laughing over nothing.... anything that brings you closer together and helps you to relax and have fun. If she is struggling with her motivation, she needs your love and support to help her stay calm and focused on moving forward, getting through this rough time. Getting her to be comfortable with herself again should be the priority. Once that happens, in time, the rest will follow.
  2. There's nothing wrong with starting a new account. We all have our own ways of dealing with situations and if you feel it's better to start fresh and that the old account makes you unhappy because of him, then it's fine. Though that temptation to see his account will still be there. What you're doing can help, but it doesn't fix the problem. Unfortunately, there is no way to get over someone quickly. The heart plays by it's own rules. It happens in it's own time and usually a lot longer then we would like. All we can do is wait it out and focus on ourselves in the meanwhile. Realize that while he made you happy, you can still be happy on your own. Do things you enjoy and focus on yourself. Be happy being you and enjoying life.
  3. Exactly. I've found the most satisfying results in flipping the script and subverting how I'm "suppose" to feel. Being alone doesn't have to be a terrifying and paralyzing thing. It can actually be freedom. It can mean time to do what you enjoy, to help you understand yourself better and what you want out of life. It can mean peace and quiet from a world that is constantly throwing so much at us. We should embrace periods of solitude and use it to recharge. Be okay on your own and work on fulfilling your goals and pursuing what makes you happy. Once you have that, the fear and loneliness loses it's power. And in time, as much time as you need, you'll start to feel better and able to pursue the more social aspects you want.
  4. Hiding your feelings is usually a bad way to go. You end up burying it inside you where it eats at you and make you feel steadily worse. As much as you want it to go away, it will still be there and leak out, probably in unhealthy ways. Eventually you can't hold it in anymore and it comes out, which can lead to even worse situations with those around you. Healthiest thing to do is actually confront it. If people are true friends, they will be understanding and supportive. They will want to help you through it. If they don't, it's better to know then pretend they are something there not. And while therapy or medication can help, I believe they should only be a temporary step. Ultimately it's you that has to address why you are feeling this way and find something fulfilling in your life. As dark as the world feels, especially now, there is light. Try to focus on good news that you can find, on stories of people helping each other or accomplishing their dreams. Realize that anything is possible and that we all can live a happy, purposeful life.
  5. Per the other thread: "I have been with my fiancé for over 1.5 years, however I have known him for 10 years, because I am best friends with his sister so I’ve always been close to his family...He admitted his mistakes And his regret and he has since been trying to make things right and we are trying to rebuild the trust. He has been being honest with me, Doing what he needs to in order for us to rebuild the trust. He deeply regrets what he has done and has said how disgusted he is with himself...he blocked her on everything and changed his number and wants nothing to do with her anymore" They have been a couple for 1.5 years, but known each other for 10. There is a lot of history so I think it's fair to consider everything that's happened and not condemn a person for one incident, especially if he is taking active steps to atone for his actions. I'm not saying he is innocent or that his actions weren't horrible. I wouldn't blame her for not forgiving him. But if they are both willing to work things out, I support them. That is why I suggested seeking professional help to deal with all these issues.
  6. It certainly seems likely you could after going through such traumatic experiences. Please, consult a professional to be sure. There's no harm in checking, You should also feel good about yourself. You are doing all the right things. Keep it up, have faith, and things will get better.
  7. I've been let down by most people in my life. I've been criticized for simply speaking out. At times it has left be severely depressed, wondering why I'm even alive. Two things keep me going. First is a belief in myself. As a shy introvert, I'm actually okay just being me. While it's nice to have someone there, I know that at the end of the day I have to rely on and like myself. I have to stay true to myself and my values. As long as I am happy with the way I am and trying to be a good person, what others think of or do to me isn't important. Second, I try to turn all my hurt and anguish into something positive. Volunteer. Help people. I know what it's like to hurt and I don't want anyone else feeling as I have. I've tutored and worked with children. I've worked with centers giving food to the homeless. I've taught literacy to adults. I had a weekly shift with a local library bookstore (at least pre-covid). If there is a cause you feel passionate about, find a way to get involved. Especially now, people are dealing with tremendous issues, from hunger to emotional depression. Giving back helps them and can help you feel better about yourself. We're all in this together.
  8. cookiescream, As frustrating as this situation is, you've handled it the best way you can. Between all the past bad breakups and an overprotective crazy family that threatens to cut him out of their life, he is bound to have hesitation on being with you as more then friends. Everyone else he has been close to basically leaves or tells him they will. That's got to be incredibly rough. Yes, he would ideally stand up to the family and choose to go his own way. But that's not an easy choice and he is in an emotionally vulnerable place. All you can do for now is be his friend. Be the one who stable element who does care for him. Show him that you are going to be there and would not leave him. Hopefully that gives him more confidence to fight for the relationship he wants. Maybe it can even convince the family that you are different then the other girls. Of course, you should think of yourself at the same time. Be honest with your feelings and don't try to do anything you are not comfortable with. If it gets too painful, let him know and see how you both want to handle it. The relationship you have sounds like deep connection that is sadly faced with a really messed up circumstance. I hope that together you can get through it.
  9. If something is hurting you, you need to tell her. Otherwise it will continue to happen and you will keep hurting until you reach a breaking point. Then the problem will be much worse. All relationships are based on honest, sincere communication. Maybe she has unresolved issues. Maybe she has a temper. Maybe she doesn't even realize what she is doing. But if she cares about you like you say, then she will not want to hurt you like that. You can figure out what is causing it and how to prevent if from being an issue. Also, if she does it with you, she probably does it with others. So by addressing it, you will be helping her in general.
  10. justinuk, Please keep in mind that even if you don't see her and remove all traces of her from your life, that still doesn't mean things will be better. You will still miss her and think about her. You will wonder what she is doing and who she is with. You might have more dreams. Realize that no contact has it's downside as well and that it's not always the fix that it's made out to be. It actually didn't work for me and made me feel worse about my situation. At best time will bury those feelings as you get involved with other things. But there's no telling how long that time will take. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, you need to do what is right for you. I even think it's what you wanted to do, you just wanted someone to reassure you of the course. But realize that regardless of which path you choose, this is the beginning of a difficult journey. You'll have good days and bad days. Don't be afraid to feel every emotion and take all the time you need. I also think it's very noble of you to want to be friends. Yes, people can "just be friends" after a breakup. It may not be right now, but I wouldn't give up on the thought of a friendship with her. You seem like a decent, caring person and she seems like she does care about you. Hopefully, in time, you can have that friendship.
  11. You know what to do, it's just a matter of finding the inner strength to do it. My father passed away two years ago, so I'm now extra concerned about my mom. She's had health issues as well. But I also realize she can take care of herself. So while I might make a suggestion here and there, I generally let her run with her life. Just be gentle and kind and let your daughter know that you appreciate her concern, but that you can handle things yourself. If you need her help, you'll ask her. Treat her like an adult and let her know you love her, and she should eventually come to terms with things. It can be difficult to stand up for yourself. The anxiety and stress of confronting issues is not pleasant to deal with. But if you don't, then you still end up feeling bad and nothing gets resolved. You should feel free to speak your mind and live how you want to live, making your own choices. You've overcome a lot, so you are a strong women. Don't let anyone push you around. Best of luck to you.
  12. So, can I first say that him living at home at 27 doesn't have to mean he isn't mature or doesn't have his act together? None of us know his circumstances. People can choose to live at home for a variety of reasons: caring for a family member, in the process of saving up for or looking for another place, having lost a job or having financial issues (something plenty of people are dealing with because of COVID). Depending on where you live, having a place by yourself can be expensive and not practical. Notmi, you described this as a sexual and romantic "relationship." Then you say that you don't have time for a relationship. You can't have it both ways. Relationships based on sex inevitably lead to feelings on the part of at least one feelings. Sex is an emotional thing. You get attached to your partner. So of course he was going to develop feelings. Then you added in romance. You even said you felt like you were falling in love. So there's deeper feelings on both sides. Once those feelings develop, the next step is to talk about where you are going. I don't think you can cut off those feelings and just have a casual fling anymore. So you need to decide if you are ready for more or if you need to cool it off. You could possibly be friends, but that would mean no sex or romance since those things would just confuse things more. It sounds like you need time apart from anything resembling a relationship. You've spent basically the last nine years involved with someone, a third of your life. You've got issues with work and roommates. You are feeling overwhelmed by everything around you and are burnt out from the stress. Maybe you need to focus solely on you? Yes, being with someone feels nice. But if you're not ready for a commitment, then he needs to know. It's only fair to him to not let his heart get any more into this. And it's better in the long term for you. Given your past relationships, you should really not seek out someone else. Get comfortable just being you and working on bettering your own life. When you're ready for something else, you'll know.
  13. You have known this guy for 10 years. Who he is? Is this behavior typical? Is he the type who will use people to get something? Or was this a really horrible mistake from a person at a really low point who gave into his worse instincts? Is this something he is really sorry for and is actively trying make right? Most of all, is this something that you can forgive? I think in blocking her he is trying to make do better. But his actions were horrible and it's not something you can just move on from. He needs to earn back your trust and that takes time. It's fine to have anger and resentment. The issue is how to deal with it. You both sound like you are quick to react on your emotions which lead to saying things that hurt the other person and don't serve to better the relationship or rebuild what's been broken. In this case, I'd suggest the two of you see a counselor to help you work through the underlining issues in a calmer structure. I don't think this is something you can work through on your own. I think the most important thing here is the children. They need a loving, supportive environment. At this time, their is too many issues between the two of you to really give that to them. For their sake if nothing else, get help to work things out. And if you can't or won't work together to get though this, then do the responsible thing and split up so the children don't have to be in the middle.
  14. Sidebar from the main topic, but I'd pay for a girl's meal even if it wasn't a date and we were only friends with no interest in more. I'm old fashioned and would think of it as being a gentleman. Doesn't necessarily mean anything more. Just a different point of view.
  15. Ok, so there's new information here that wasn't in the first post. Puts a different spin on it. If her crush is asking her sexual questions, he is crossing a line. If it was simply an old crush that she wasn't interested in and he was respecting the boundaries, then I stand by that you trust her and let her be friends with whoever she wants. But if he is actively pursuing more, then you should be concerned. I won't go as far as to say she is cheating or using you. I don't know her, so I won't judge her like that. But her behavior is troubling. Either she likes the attention and keeps seeking it, or she has a serious problem with saying no. She's putting herself in bad situations. Assuming she only sees them as friends, she needs to stay away from people making such overt sexual suggestions. She's had one guy who was abusive and another who is crossing into to too many personal areas. These aren't people you worry about making feel bad. For her own safety, these are people that should be ignored. Also, if you have never met in person, you should be careful about how attached you are. How well do you really know her? It's cliche, but people can say anything online, be anyone. You don't need to give up on it entirely, but I'd think about how I was feeling. Taken the entirety of the time you've known her, who has she been? Are there enough things to give you doubts as to her intentions? Remember, a person isn't who they are in the last conversation, they are who they've been in the whole relationship. So, who is she? Do you genuinely feel she can be trusted? Or have their been questions that you may not have thought of before? Decide what you are comfortable with and at what point it would be too much for you to take. And should you decide to not be with her, I'd also be careful about just looking for someone else. I'd try being solo for awhile. You seem like you get attached to people, so I'd advise caution when pursuing relationships.
  16. So the standard answer you are going to get sounds something like this: No contact means NO contact. She told you to not contact her ever. Of course you don't test the waters. I feel that if you are thinking of doing it to get back together with her or see if you could start something again, then don't do it. Doesn't matter what the time frame is. But if it's just to see how she is doing and say hi, I say go ahead. Key is to not expect anything out of it. She may be civil and actually like hearing from you. She may get angry with you. She may ignore you. But if you feel like trying, and truly have no ulterior motives, then just say hi and ask how she is. For me, that's when I knew I was completely over someone, when I could talk to them as a friend and not feel all the emotions that I used to feel. So I tried. She actually liked hearing from me. And even if she hadn't, I was okay with that. I did it for me, with no expectations of what would happen. And I certainly didn't want to get with her by that point. As always, it's up to you. Do what you feel is best for you.
  17. No mystery to this. You found a friend, someone who you are comfortable with and relate to. You get along and enjoy each other's company (even if it's just by text). You've helped each other out through rough times. Some people you just click with and enjoy hearing from. I've had people I've emailed regularly but never met. They've been just as much a friend as most people I know in person. And while you may start to develop feelings and wonder if things could be more, sometimes what you have is really just a good friend you can count on. Friendship like that is rare. If you think you have that with this person, keep chatting with her. As far as dating/relationships, that will come with the right person when the time is right.
  18. Um, he should be getting his act together. If you want to be with someone, thinking of spending your life together, then you should have your act together. That includes emotionally, behaviorally, and financially. It's not being a dictator to expect someone to behave like a grown adult and take care of responsibilities first. The therapist is doing the right thing, trying to get the two of you to address your issues while keeping it focused and more civil. It needs to be the two of you that work together to address things. He, however, doesn't seem willing. He is more interested in attacking you or dismissing things. You can't work with someone who is unable to hold up their share of the work. You can't change him and he refuses to change himself. At this point, all the relationship is doing is hurting you. You are ready for and deserve better. He seems like he still has a lot of maturing to do. I also hope you aren't experiencing any problems because of the virus. Please, take care of yourself and I hope you recover without anything serious.
  19. I don't think you are controlling, just a little insecure and jealous. That's also understandable. It's not a pleasant thought thinking of your girlfriend spending time with someone she used to be involved with or who she had feelings for. There's going to be uneasy feeling that things could go wrong. Unfortunately, who she wants to spend time with his her choice. To try to tell her she can't would be controlling, which you don't seem like that kind of person. You have expressed your concern. She is also being very open about her actions. Unless she's given you other reasons to be concerned with the relationship, you need to trust her. If you are together long enough, there will probably be a time where you friends with someone she doesn't care for. You would want her to trust you, right? So you should trust her. Did she stop talking to the ex? While I think the crush is probably just a friendship and he seems respectful of her situation with you, I'm concerned about the ex. If he was abusive and has said bad things about you and her, then she shouldn't be talking about him. He has hurt her behavior and she needs to avoid putting herself in position to be hurt again. If the issue with him continues, let her know that your concern is for her and that you don't want to see him hurt her again. There's a reason he is an ex.
  20. Libby, can I first say I'm sorry for everything you've had to experience this year. You are a strong person to have survived all of that. You'll make it through and see better days eventually. Have faith. Religion can be comforting and give us hope to get through dark times. It can bring people together in love and unity. Unfortunately, it can also be taken to far and cause much pain. I've seen people claim to be religious, go to every service, say their prayers, and then turn around and do very ungodly things to people. They use their religion as a way to judge and attack others. It can be an easy thing to slip into that behavior. This has been a trying year for everyone, so some people might want to cling harder to their faith and feel that it will protect them. They react out of fear and anger, using it to lash out at others. It sounds like Brady might be falling into that trap. On other hand, you seem to have a clearer worldview. While you hold to your faith, you're responsible about it and don't try to force it upon anyone. Personally, I was raised Catholic but don't hold to most of the traditions. The God that I was taught to believe in cares about how we treat each other, if we are showing people love, respect, and kindness. The kind of person we are means more then attending mass. If people choose to attend mass, that's great. But it's not something to be upset about if they don't, as long as they are trying to live by God's teachings. And from everything you said, it sounds like you are. So try not to be too down about Brady's behavior. You weren't wrong in your actions and you are a good person at heart. The issues he has is something he has to work out for himself. You just keep being the good person you are.
  21. What's her personality? Is she the kind of person who says things without thinking? Is she very open and casual about the topic? My first thought is that she says what's on her mind and may not have a high level of sensitivity to how those words may affect someone else. Does she know that you are insecure in this area? If not, tell her. And if she does know, then you really need to talk to her about how insensitive those comments come across. If you're hurt by her words, then you need to say something rather then keep it inside. Only way to handle things is to work through them together. How long have you been together? If this is a newer relationship it may just be getting used to each other and understanding each other's wants and needs - both physically and emotionally. If you both want the sex to be better, then communicate on that as well. Figure out what you both like and work on pleasing each other. I'm guessing the sex isn't bad, you might just need to fine tune a few things to get better in sync with each other. I'd also advise against comparing it to anyone else. Try to fully be in the moment with each other and appreciate the unique experiences this partner brings.
  22. Tsmart, is it that you don't want to be around children or that you don't want to be around this child? Was the daughter always like this or is it more recent? I'm guessing you got along at one point, but her behavior has gotten worse and you reached a breaking point where you can't take it anymore? If she is truly being as bad as you say, then that is understandable. Your description of her reminds me of by cousin when we were both younger. Her mother didn't discipline her so she acted out and felt entitled to everything. Few people wanted to spend time with her. You are not the mother and should not be expected to act like one. It should really fall to the father to do something about his daughter. However, if you are going to be with this guy, then you are going to have to deal with the child as well and everything that comes with it. When you see someone with a child, it's a package deal. You can try to separate yourself and not spend time with the child, but that's only going to hurt the guy. In his mind, he loves you and his child so he will want you two to get along as well. It's natural for him to want to treat all of you as a family. If this is really making you miserable, then the best thing for all parties is to walk away. At the end of the day he has to be a father first and he's choosing to parent in a way that bothers you. You aren't happy with his decision and it will only cause issues between the two of you. If you aren't willing or able to work this out, then the relationship does more harm then good and you should end it and pursue someone without the extra baggage of a child to cause such friction.
  23. These days social media is automatic for some people. They don't give a second thought to posting on whatever platform they are using, it's a part of their daily routine. So they might not realize that those are minutes that could be going to talking to you. It's easy to do a quick check to see what is going on. However, actually having a conversation can require extra attention and focus that may be difficult when you are burnt out after a long day. Having said that, communication is important in any relationship. If you feel you are not talking enough, then let him know. A quick call just to say I love you and hear each other's voice can be reassuring and comforting for both sides. You don't need a long call or in depth conversation. It's just nice to have little reminders now and then that the other person is thinking of you. Send texts randomly. Call each other more then once a week, even if it's five minutes or less. Put something on Facebook so you'll know he sees it. Personally, Zoom has been a lifesaver these past few months. Basically, just find a few minutes here and there to do something small to show each other how you feel and that you are thinking of each other.
  24. I'm also sorry you're going through this. And I hope you are okay after the miscarriage. You're relationship is with your husband, not with the ex. You should not have to hear from her or have anything to do with her if you do not want to. You tried to reach out to her, but she refused the offer. Stay away from her and leave any contact up to your husband. If she is following you, block her on social media and keep records, including the police reports. If she tries to pull anything with the children, these actions will show her to be the one causing problems. Your husband needs to stand up to her. You are right in that he needs to set boundaries. They are not just for you, they are for the children as well. It's not fair that you have to live in constant fear of her meddling and it's not a healthy environment for the children to grow up in. Make absolutely clear that you will not stand to be second to the ex and that you will not tolerate her abuse. Let him know that his inaction in addressing this is putting an unhealthy strain on you and damaging the relationship the two of you have. I hope that he can see how much this hurts you and starts to put his foot down. But if he won't, you need to decide how much you can stand. No one should have to endure what you are going through.
  25. From a man's perspective, if a guy loves you he will not want to hurt you. If you make clear that porn is not acceptable, he will respect that. There are guys out there who are not porn addicts. And there are guys out there who probably don't like porn to begin with. I, for one, would rather just hold the one I'm with and love then watch strangers having sex. So yes, you can find someone. Porn is not solely about sex. It's just as much about the fantasy element, a distraction from everyday struggles. The problem comes when a person takes it to far, when it starts to become a need that they can't control. But not every guy is like that. Most can control themselves. And you have every right to not be okay with it.
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