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Everything posted by Lambert

  1. you are doing this all to yourself by allowing yourself to be used. It's only going to get worse. When he meets someone else. When you don't meet someone else because your feelings are all about him. This is not healthy and is damaging your self esteem and image. It's very ego driven. You're telling yourself a narrative that he is better than you, you need him, his approval of you is more important than your own. The only solution is to change this narrative through self love and self parenting. Setting boundaries like not talking to him for any reason, not having sex with him, telling yourself you deserve and will find better, let him be the villain in all this.... It's ok to not have sex for a while. You can control yourself. You're making excuses because you want to. but in the long run, you will pay the price. Get your head out of your butt. you'll thank yourself later when you are free of this leech and on to someone better.
  2. Op, you are an adult. You are capable of making your own decisions. in all areas of your life. It is not right for your gf to impose her issues and opinions on you. You are not married to her. When you are married, I agree, you share a life and decisions. I think this relationship costs you a lot in emotional and mental capital. As a highly independent person myself, I am very leery of anyone that tries to control me. I would not tolerate an ultimatum. My response would be that's your choice. But I also think once you get to this crossroads, the relationship is irreversibly damaged. One person cannot own or control another. Both people have to accept the other as they are. Just as this arrangement was pre-relationship. It would be different if all of a sudden you decided to do this and your gf decided it was a deal breaker. even as I write this, I think, it's ok for her to decide now it's a deal breaker. that is her choice. For her men and exes are deal breakers. For you, it's ok. That leads me to think you're incompatible Why continue to beat your head against the wall with this woman? Why are you working so hard on this?
  3. this is extremely disturbing. You should not prey on intoxicated women because you want sexual experience. This is sexual assault and rape. A crime.
  4. I agree with this... there are many other things that make this relationship a lesson learned. Long distance is hard and rarely works out long term. Add in the secret, your ages, and stages of life there are many strikes against it. Next time be more deliberate in your communication. Don't break up when you don't want to, trying to manipulate the situation. Date locally, someone that makes a place for you in their life with their friends and family. Mail her stuff and toss the rest. block her. make a clean break and move on. life is too short for all this drama.
  5. I think you said at the end in the form of a question... how to do it responsibly? by telling your SO how you feel, what your needs are. Listen to their response and if it's not resolved, end it Clean break. you don't drag it out. You sit with it. you feel how you feel. You go no contact. you continue to be a strong parent to yourself. Setting boundaries- you don't reach out to her, you don't allow yourself to make bad choices that will hurt you or anyone else in the long run. You ask yourself tough questions and understand the answers. like why can't you be alone? is it what you think it says about you? to others? Are you living for you? Or for what others expect of you? or what you think they expect of you? there is no easy way. no pre plan. no meds. eventually you have to face your life and your feelings. the sooner you learn to love and accept yourself, your feelings, your actions and come from an authentically you position the easier it gets.
  6. I am sorry for all you going through. it sounds rough. I think you are dealing with so many internal issues, you're really not a good partner. It is confusing when you act one way (like you're in a relationship) but then want to keep your options open. So you both sound like you want your cake and eat it, too. Her, maybe because she is insecure. Based on you rejected her in the past and the only time you value her is when you see other men giving her attention. You probably should take a step back and work on yourself. because it sounds to me like your feelings for her are not true feelings. they are more like the feelings you need to receive because you're down in yourself. Fix your drinking problem, get a plan in place for the financial problem and work on yourself. Maybe apologize to her for being a mess and the mixed signals. And ask if it would ok to reach out again once you are in a better place.
  7. It sounds like a typical LDR... you enjoy all the fun and the visits but you're not there to actually experience life together. I don't think he's pulling your leg. taking care of a dementia patient, especially a parent, is hard work- physically, mentally, emotionally. But... if you can't go to him and carry more of the burden, you're kinda just left with a pen pal. You're not being realistic. When you're caring for a sick parent, there aren't a lot of opportunities for extended breaks where he can go across the country. I don't think you really seem to empathize with him. You're really just thinking of yourself and what you're missing out on.
  8. I understand.... you're in a tough spot. I probably would tell the bride "your bff was a total b**** to me and I'm only trying to help. Or I would message the girl back and say... I want you to know, I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me. I'm not even in this bridal party! but I am trying to help. It doesn't matter if some time passed. she's the one that was a jerk and you have every right to tell someone you don't appreciate being treated a certain way. It may clear the air. or at least you'll get it off your chest.
  9. I think helping to organize is one thing... buying the supplies is another. I world explain to the bride you are willing to help but not financially. I feel like this- would I expect them to pitch in on my party? Am I a good enough friend that I do this unbegrudged? that's the deciding factor. I understand where you're coming from. I think I'm a little bit more willing to end friendships than you. I'd rather have one true friend, then a room full of part time users. Buy 15 head bands, a balloon bouquet and take responsibility for the supplies for a person I'm not sure I am even that cool with? no thanks.
  10. I would decline the whole thing. Tell them u don't have the money for this and then unfriend her on Facebook. Why let fake friends use you like that?
  11. Do not make his performance issues your fault. This is his problem! This guy is a real dud. Get out now.
  12. What do you see in this guy? Are you afraid you'll be lonely without him or that you won't meet anyone else? Serious questions to consider.
  13. A pricey wedding is a choice. You can be married legally without much fanfare. But I have to disagree with you that marriage makes it tricky should things go wrong. It's actually the opposite. Marriage and a prenuptial agreement can protect your assets in the event anything goes wrong. It also makes a difference as next of kin, should either of you die or need medical treatment and unable to speak for yourself. You should talk to a lawyer....
  14. You are asking the impossible. there are no magic words that one said leave you both with peace. It takes being honest with yourself (and them) in the present moment. And then lots of time and space to heal as your own person. Once you are at peace with yourself you may find peace with her as a friend. but it's been my experience, when you're ready to be friends, you won't really want to be. I would take the time to write out how you feel, sleep on it and then talk to her. She's not including you in her life decisions (for whatever reason) and so you have to make your own, too. It is hard to end things. you will feel horrible, some regret and doubt. but I think you know this is right. She needs to deal with her health. And get back on her meds. You're a boyfriend, not a parent. She has to come to you whole and you need to be compatible. You are clearly not. I'm sorry. It is hard.
  15. flighty means she flits from thing to thing. She is genuinely excited and interested until she is not or until she finds the next new thing.
  16. I think you're reading too much into her actions. like maybe she dropped something and happened to look thru the car window. lol. like really how much can a person see thru the outside of car window, into the car, out thrpugh the other window, into your kitchen? think about that. Also 21 is a lot younger than 27. When I was 21 there was no way I was into some old man 27 year old. Sorry. 27 is NOT old... but when you're young, over 25 is! lol. Lastly, don't poop where you eat. Ever hear that saying? she's too close. you share a drive with her Granny. just the other day, this guy in my complex asked me out. He was saying something like "we talk all the time but I don't know your name" Which to him probably is true... to me? I was thinking 🤔 hmmm. I think we said hi one time before this. My point is, he noticed our interactions. but I didn't. Maybe it's the same for you. I think the only thing you can do is: next time you see her, say hello. see if she talks it up.
  17. I think this might be the best approach. you felt she was jerking you around and you're not liking the indecision. so when you find things aren't to your liking, walk away. She may be flighty or whatever... o well. not your problem.
  18. You sound like you really need to work on yourself. A lot of what you wrote, all these feelings and things about him, are coming from you. You're creating this guy in your mind and you've made a lot of this into an ego thing that you have to win him over. There are plenty of guys you could probably find that tick off the boxes of - goals, looks, careers, sense of humor. Of course those are attractive and important but no where near as important as how a guy treats you. Your priorities are messed up. you have the ability to control some of this. It's called working on yourself. You are making excuses to act a certain way. like you can't help it. you love him so much. so obsessed. you just can't live without him. this is very immature. I think we all have been there. I know was. (so embarrassed to look back at my young self!) But you gotta get your head out of the clouds. Look for a guy that likes you! That's the most important thing. Focus on liking you. Doing what's best for you, even when it's hard. We all want to eat desserts all day but we know we can't. Same with guys. We all want the one that doesn't want us, but we know that's not good for us. You're wasting your time.
  19. I think you just have to ride the feelings out. You're doing the right things. if someone can't make time for you or ignores you, never bother them again. It's cliche but true... there are plenty of fish in the sea. Spend time on your own doing things you like. But welcome those that make you feel good. Give them your attention and love. It'll get better. you'll find better.
  20. You really should figure this out for yourself. I mean if you don't know what's creepy and out of bounds for you, who does? Everything you said is completely disgusting behavior in my opinion and it's so obvious to me that I feel that way. Are you a people pleaser? Do you not know your own boundaries? Do you feel like you have to tolerate this in order to have a boyfriend? he's definitely a creep but you are unsure? makes no sense to me.
  21. Do you really want to be with someone that can go ten days without talking to you? you're both kind of leaving it up to the other person to take charge. Maybe she wants you to chase her or follow her. But you're OK giving her space and think that is the way to handle it. basically a stalemate. right? You've got to have better communication than this. Are you holding back? is it her? in your shoes I would be very confused by this and end it. You're taking marriage, family, kids, relocating and she's concerned you didn't seen affectionate in front of her family? what? Petty stuff like valuing perceptions over real things like how connected you are, how much you're on the same page etc is very immature and makes me wonder- are you dodging a bullet? because this isn't love and commitment. this is hoop jumping bs
  22. You're welcome It's hard to talk frankly, if you haven't been. It's hard to put yourself out there and be completely vulnerable but I think at this point, it's the only thing that will save your marriage. Good luck.
  23. Well, OP. You've been together for a long time and made some of the same mistakes all young people do. But somehow you managed to stay together. When other couples would have broken up, learned from these things and started over with someone else. It's hard to forgive and forget infidelity and when our loved one makes us feel inferior. It has a lot to do with his own feeling about himself and not really healing. And that creepy therapist, while wrong, should not be the reason he quit therapy. A better therapist is the solution. I think you guys need to talk to each other more openly about what is happening, what happened and what you want to happen next. You can't fix his depression and you can't live your life making up for something you did as a young woman. He has to want to fix himself and you both have to accept that while the past did hurt both of you, you can't turn back time. You can't fix the past. You can only learn from it and move forward. And that has to be a conscious choice. I would find out what he wants... Does he want to work through this depression? Does he want to find a way to forgive and forget the past? Does he want this enough to do the actual work (with no excuses)? You can love someone but you can't love them enough for both you. I would also think about what you want. What do you need him to do and all those same questions I suggested you ask him. Ask yourself. Get super clear on what you need, too. And as @Seraphim said, there's the drinking. You both need to get sober. Alcohol is a depressant and is not helping anything.
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