NighttimeNightmare

I have several close life-long friendships but none of them are capable of injuring me to any real degree. Nor would I be putting this amount of time into them, they’re just different. Not necessarily less, just different

I get that but then why not ask questions to get to the truth? Obviously no one is forced to take the time to interact with the people who post here right. But if someone so chooses to it seems counter-productive to have, what reads to me like an agenda, and flip the script around into a narrative that isn’t really occurring in that person’s life. 🤷‍♂️ like don’t treat me like im some scummy pervert chasing a lonely old woman who is putting up boundaries to block my perversions, and then act like that’s what my post was about. Then when I say “oh hey that’s not what’s happening” it’s already a strawman at that point. Not saying you’ve done this, just giving an example

Exactly. I never said otherwise, that’s exactly it. They’re historical wounds that close relationships (usually familial and romantic) can bring out of us. it doesn’t make the relationship bad, or the person bad, it has 0 to do with the person. They’re just the mirror. it’s a good thing if you are willing to catch the issues and fix them. my issues don’t come out in run of the mill friendships because I don’t care enough. They’re different. They don’t affect me as much

Yes. That particular day I tried to take the phone out of her hand while she was using it because i thought she was doing something wrong. And she got mad and said I often think I’m right and everyone else is wrong. Don’t snatch things from her space like that, it’s a boundary for her. So I said well to me I am right and am I supposed to just sit and watch you do something wrong? Then she was like, yada yada this is what I mean, you can never admit you’re wrong. Yada yada. And said it’s not that I can’t offer correction, but to do that constantly makes her feel I think she’s stupid or something. She asked if anyone else in my life has ever felt as she does… and I said yes, often. I told her I was kind of shocked she’s been feeling like I’m bossing her around/controlling/ etc and she clarified it’s not often, but it’s enough. So I said that I don’t realize when I’m doing it, clearly, if it’s something she’s felt from me for some time. So I said “can you please let me know when I’m doing that”

It feels like nearly every time I a question and it’s commented upon I realize that what’s being repeated back to me is not what I’m experiencing in person, or what I meant, etc. It’s not that I’m taking offense, it’s that im trying to explain better and realign everything but it’s already too late.. an example is me making a statement about people’s worst traits come out in relationships. Like Jesus. Even that was taken in such a rigid and literal sense when I wasn’t meaning it that rigid like you’d see in toxic situations. I wasn’t saying “relationships make you toxic and bring out the worst in you!” I meant that really deep intimate connections tend to be more likely to trigger things people already have inside of them… like people who are very healthy in their friendships may become super anxiously attached in a romantic setting. Not a huge deal, but it shows the person what they need to work on that was hidden in more surface types of connections. And yea I’ve heard this from numerous psychotherapists who study the brain and human psychology for a living. So… agree or disagree. Maybe once again I’m not being CLEAR enough but it’s exhausting when I’m attempting to explain myself and people have an agenda and flip my story into something it isn’t. Wiseman.. you do it constantly. I don’t get it. You create a strawman and then run with it while iM over here trying to correct the story. Then, I miss out on being able to answer the kind souls who are actually trying to help and ask relevant questions and I’ve seen some of you do this to other people who have come here to post as well, so it’s not just an experience related to me.

People’s worse traits come out in relationships. You have to have some semblance of a relationship to “practice” healthier tactics. That’s not even me saying that, that’s come from the mouths of some really prominent psychotherapists, and I agree with it. I’ve been working on myself, actively, for a long time. As everyone should. But this new dynamic has brought to the surface some things I can refine. It’s not like I’ve been off p*sing about and now suddenly I want some sort of magic elixir. this one issue popped up, and I’m addressing it so that I can have healthy attachments.

Just to clarify, I’ve never put my hands on anyone, ever. But it was explained to me in therapy that stonewalling is abusive, laughing when people are crying is abusive, just generally being very dismissive when it came to emotions is being abusive. It was always my way or the highway, so…. But I wasn’t a name-caller, or a hitter, or etc. etc. I’m moreso unfeeling, cold, callous. Lack of empathy. Extreme lack of empathy. but since my diagnosis I have gained empathy. That’s sort of why I’m posting this anyhow, I have empathy, I’m caring, I’m trying to make sure I’m handling things in better ways. So this post wasn’t really to pick my issues apart, I was really just asking what it looked and felt like from healthier people, you know? Yes of course I said that, that was the first question I asked. She explained it to me and that’s when I said essentially “I’ve never realized it was coming across like that to you and I can’t seem to grasp, quite yet, when it’s ok to do it and when it’s not.. so could you please just let me know when I am doing it; that way I can learn the situations in which you’ve got an issue with the behavior and I’ll nip that in the bud” the situation in question wasn’t something inherently wrong, but it’s something she personally doesn’t like

This is exactly what im doing. Maybe it’s how I communicate, maybe it’s not clear enough for some people, but a lot of the responses here have me scratching my head. Like no, im not going to avoid and run from yet another situation that in all honesty has proven to be a great platform for me to heal some of my stuff. I’m not being abusive to her, im being thoughtful, aware, considerate, and she’s been generous with my faults and her willingness to be patient with some of the stuff. I offer the same to her with her things. Have you made some good progress? it feels unbearable to me if I feel like I’m being judged. I don’t even necessarily think she’s judging me in a toxic way, but it’s almost like this “how dare you” feeling that I’ve always struggled with, which I’m aware is the anti-thesis of vulnerability. What scares me for myself is the rage that follows. I have done this thought process before, and I suppose I’ll integrate it again, and come up with ideas that don’t have “rage” as a coping mechanism. Which honestly is partly why I made this post, I thought a few people may share stories of what the behavior looks like for healthier people who don’t resort to running away, rage, etc etc and etc. then I could fill my head and thoughts with those things and begin practicing in real time Thank you for your thoughtful response 🙂 it was helpful

We’ve become romantic but we haven’t had a talk about exclusivity I know that she’s been asked out twice recently, and she declined

Yes, we’ve progressed in the romantic department. And to be honest, even if we had not, I’d still be trying to figure out how to overcome my dysfunctional tendencies so that I could have have functional relationships

I have these same issue every time I get close to someone. Ignoring it isn’t the answer. I came here to try to gain some tools, not to further avoid things I’d like to get over. The only time these issues aren’t present in my life is when I keep all relationships at arms lengths. I’m not interested in doing that anymore With this woman, I have a platform to work out some of my issues, and I’m taking advantage of that

What makes you think I don’t? This post? This post is a microscope to a small fragment of my life. I’m here to talk about this particular relationship, because it outlines interpersonal patterns I have that I’d like to address. However, it’s not the only form of contact in my life. I host gatherings twice a month and am active in several meetup groups. Lol.

Both, IMO. Im not a fan of a partner telling me what to do, or me telling them what to do. My general belief is that you state your boundaries and needs, and the other person is then free to respect those boundaries/needs, or not. If they can’t/don’t/won’t respect your boundaries, you end the relationship. I don’t understand how begging someone to respect you, or you trying to control their behavior to fit your needs via the begging could be healthy or beneficial. Begging to be respected is a sign you should leave and find someone who values you in those ways (or just someone whose priorities match yours, because there’s nothing inherently wrong with being out til 3am). And on his side of things, you begging is going to seem like a “nag” that he’d do well to disobey. No one wants to be nagged or controlled You can’t beg someone to respect you, but you can respect yourself by exiting things that don’t work for you.

your narrative about my story is weird.

It’s the other way around for us. It seems we have the connection, it naturally formed, and there seems to be a lot of trust we’ve built up. Because we spend so much time and have gotten so close, there are a few things that have come up. There’s no constant conflict, there’s about 5x things have been brought up in the time we’ve known one another. That’s not a lot, or constant, or overwhelming for most people. To me.. it is lol. Ya but they’re legit things. Like me vocalizing a boundary. Like “hey when you do this thing, I perceive it as such and such, and it’s super hurtful to me so I need you to know that.” Then her response is like “I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it came across like that. I will be more careful going fwd.” It’s actually a really smooth and quick process, that I think is neat. I realize I trust her with my feelings. But… do I really want someone to be close enough to discover my flaws and be able to recognize them or be affected by them? I now have to really take into consideration how my behavior affects people, it’s tiring. That’s not the same as us having conflict constantly… we actually don’t. But I do have to be aware of my surroundings when before I didn’t care, I was just a raging @sshole and things were easier