Am I being unfair or controlling

[Lena333]

Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years. He honestly tries a lot for me but I feel like he doesn’t respect my wishes. A few months back he lied to me about going to a club and he betrayed my trust and he got accused of cheating. He begged and swore that he didn’t do it and I chose to stay and believe him. A week later he wanted to go out with his friends again and I let him just asking him to not go to a club as it would trigger me and I wasn’t over the situation. That night he decided to lie to me and still went to the club not respecting my wishes. Since then I’ve just felt so neglected. He honestly tries a lot for me and puts in so much effort and love however when it comes to choosing me or going out with his friends he will always chose his friends. I know he hangs out with them as we have each others location however his friends for some reason can never hang out at normal times, even when they aren’t going clubbing they sit around at home together till 3am. Every single weekend, he comes home at 3am and it makes me so mad. Why can’t he just make plans at normal hours of the day. I try to communicate with him that it triggers me that he does this as it brings back the feelings of not trusting him and what happened a few months ago but every time he just does it anyway. I’m not sure if I’m being controlling for getting mad or if he’s just disrespectful. It’s gotten to the point where i still love him but every time im around him i remember that he doesn’t value my pain and does whatever he wants and it makes me so mad at him that i just get snappy. I tried to communicate this with him but he just dismisses it so there’s no point of doing that anymore because I know hell just do whatever he wants. Honestly I feel like he’s trying to juggle his wild nightlife and the relationship that’s why he still gives me all these gestures but it’s still bothering me. Am I asking for too much or being controlling by telling him he shouldn’t be coming back home so late pretty much every single weekend. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

15 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

I’m not sure if I’m being controlling for getting mad or if he’s just disrespectful

Both, IMO.  Im not a fan of a partner telling me what to do, or me telling them what to do.  My general belief is that you state your boundaries and needs, and the other person is then free to respect those boundaries/needs, or not. If they can’t/don’t/won’t respect your boundaries, you end the relationship. 
 

I don’t understand how begging someone to respect you, or you trying to control their behavior to fit your needs via the begging could be healthy or beneficial. Begging to be respected is a sign you should leave and find someone who values you in those ways (or just someone whose priorities match yours, because there’s nothing inherently wrong with being out til 3am). And on his side of things, you begging is going to seem like a “nag” that he’d do well to disobey.  No one wants to be nagged or controlled 

You can’t beg someone to respect you, but you can respect yourself by exiting things that don’t work for you. 

[Kwothe28]

Are you young? Because I think its pretty normal thing for young people to go out late with friends and have fun. When I was young I was pretty much like your boyfriend. With friends you can relax, drink, stay as much as you want etc. While with girlfriend, it’s a bit different. For example I stay away from drinks mostly during dates with girlfriends. Most of them dont like you drinking anyway. Same with staying late. So when I did get out with friends we did those things. If you nag him all the time about it, no wonder he chooses to get out with friends during weekends to have fun, especially if he is young. Later in life people settle down a bit. Well most of them. So they usually dont do stuff like that when they have a work obligations and family at home. But while they are young, I think its OK to “let go some steam”. 

Second thing is, dont you go out as a couple over weekend? If he chooses his friends over you I think its pretty clear where his priorities are.

And a third thing is, just because it “triggers you” doesn't mean he shouldn't do it. It just means that you are maybe incompatible and that you both should be with somebody who wouldnt make a scene when other goes out and accuse them of cheating.

[Lena333]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are you young? Because I think its pretty normal thing for young people to go out late with friends and have fun. When I was young I was pretty much like your boyfriend. With friends you can relax, drink, stay as much as you want etc. While with girlfriend, it’s a bit different. For example I stay away from drinks mostly during dates with girlfriends. Most of them dont like you drinking anyway. Same with staying late. So when I did get out with friends we did those things. If you nag him all the time about it, no wonder he chooses to get out with friends during weekends to have fun, especially if he is young. Later in life people settle down a bit. Well most of them. So they usually dont do stuff like that when they have a work obligations and family at home. But while they are young, I think its OK to “let go some steam”. 

Second thing is, dont you go out as a couple over weekend? If he chooses his friends over you I think its pretty clear where his priorities are.

And a third thing is, just because it “triggers you” doesn't mean he shouldn't do it. It just means that you are maybe incompatible and that you both should be with somebody who wouldnt make a scene when other goes out and accuse them of cheating.

We are both 21. I feel like I’m already past the stage of partying and i understand that he might not be but it’s fine. All I ask if to just find a compromise because he did get accused of cheating by someone else and he did lie about it and later admit to the lie. He didn’t use to go out so much and i understand he found a new group of friends and is having fun with them but it’s just left me hanging a bit behind. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Lena333 said:

We are both 21. I feel like I’m already past the stage of partying and i understand that he might not be but it’s fine. All I ask if to just find a compromise because he did get accused of cheating by someone else and he did lie about it and later admit to the lie. He didn’t use to go out so much and i understand he found a new group of friends and is having fun with them but it’s just left me hanging a bit behind. 

I was done with "I let him" - that comes across as wayyy too controlling.  For sure in my marriage my husband knows he needs to check in with me about evening plans because of our son - and yes at times I've said no or asked if we can then arrange for me to get a break if I'm solo parenting again.  But if he used illegal drugs or drank to excess with any regularity at all I wouldn't have tried to control that ever.  I simply wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I did date a guy who did that when we were in our 20s. I wasn't ok with it and didn't try to control him and was considering ending the relationship. 

Then there was a situation where I was there and his drinking caused me to be in a dangerous situation and him as well to a lesser extent.  After that he chose to stop partying as much.  In his 40s I believe he developed an alcohol addiction.  Partying can be harmless or can be a sign of drinking problems.  But I don't think telling him what to do is going to work.  At all.

[TeeDee]

Your relationship may have run its course.  You are done with the partying stage but he's just getting started.  

Yes it's controlling to talk about "letting" a partner do something but it's also disrespectful to deliberately do things your partner asked you not to do & then lie about it. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Lena333 said:

, even when they aren’t going clubbing they sit around at home together till 3am. Every single weekend, he comes home at 3am and it makes me so mad. Why can’t he just make plans at normal hours of the day. I try to communicate with him that it triggers me that he does this as it brings back the feelings of not trusting him and what happened a few months ago but every time he just does it anyway. I feel like he’s trying to juggle his wild nightlife and the relationship that’s why he still gives me all these gestures but it’s still bothering me. Am I asking for too much or being controlling by telling him he shouldn’t be coming back home so late pretty much every single weekend. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Do you two ever go out on dates? It seems you're incompatible if you would rather have a committed relationship and he would rather hang with friends and be a party animal..

Rather than focus on "triggering", fo focus on whether you're compatible. He doesn't seem to want to be tied down to a relationship. 

[Jaunty]

Did he cheat on you, or didn't he?  You've mentioned twice that "he was accused of cheating."  What exactly happened, and why is he paying the price now?

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Did he cheat on you, or didn't he?  You've mentioned twice that "he was accused of cheating."  What exactly happened, and why is he paying the price now?

Also, who accused him of cheating? You used the passive tense so it's unclear. 

[smackie9]

OK so you have insecurities, but you shouldn't make it his problem too. He is young and wants to go out with his friends, but won't listen to your command. So this is incompatibility. You are denying him to enjoy some time outside the relationship and that isn't fair. He lies to you about it and that's not fair to you. You have a problem with that so stop dating each other...you are not a match. Set him free. 

[tattoobunnie]

You aren't right for eachother.  I see nothing wrong with him going clubbing with friends.  Other than lying about going.  But he lies, so you don't get upset.  So either way, you aren't right for each other.  I went clubbing each weekend well into my early 30's and loved every minute of it, and had a ton of fun.

You have an entire lifetime to watch HGTV as an adult until you die.

[Andrina]

If you've never heard the term "outgrowing the relationship," learn it now because it applies to you.

Even if you love him, and you were happier at the beginning of the relationship, that's all irrelevant now. 

16 hours ago, Lena333 said:

however when it comes to choosing me or going out with his friends he will always chose his friends.

Happy relationships involve a healthy balance of time apart, time together doing couple activities, time on hobbies and careers, and time with friends both together (double-dating and group friends) and apart.

You neither like like the balance being unhealthy, nor think his leisure time is conducive to having a good relationship with you. Many people experience many romances before finally finding a keeper. Stop clinging to something that no longer works for you.