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Andrina

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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. Not that you have to match the norm of how many times a week you have sex for people your age and with how long you've been together. But can I ask why you feel the need to, when it seems he'd be quite okay with a bit less, like it'd make it more of a novelty if it weren't expected "within hours?" I'm just guessing that you're competing with the porn he used to watch, trying to ensure that he's so filled to the brim with you that he has no need for masturbating while watching porn stars. Do you ever let him initiate, or do you do all or most of the initiation? If it's mostly you, maybe lessen your efforts and have a wait-and-see attitude to gauge how often he might seek you out for intimacy. Perhaps this sort of change will be beneficial for you both. Of course sex is an important part of a couple's life, but with the amount you do this, which you imply it's usually 5 to 7 days per week, then doesn't that make less time for hanging out with friends/family, having hobbies, being too tired after work and just wanting to chill out by watching a favorite TV show? Physically connecting without sex like back rubs and foot rubs? That statement is really disturbing. Why be in a relationship wherein you're being eaten up inside? You have to consider that either one or both of you are contributors to that dynamic.
  2. I totally agree with this. In my mind, a man has to be a moron to not consider he could be turning off a woman by taking the risk of sexting before sex has happened. My theory is that he's speed racer, zooming around the pool of women on the site, and is weeding out the ladies who he has to put months of regular effort in before he can achieve his goal of sex. His way of vetting lets him leave one fast lay so he can move on to the next. In this particular situation, with the guy backpedaling, he might be willing to give slightly more effort and not bail if he is running out of women on the site or he takes on the challenge when a woman is more attractive than he normally dates.
  3. When a person isn't 100 percent confident in continuing on with you, plus he's emotionally regressing versus progressing, then you need to place a timeline on when to end things if he fails to go full-in with you. Don't keep investing into something for too much longer when it's obvious you want longterm monogamy and he is wary about dating a woman with a child. How old are you two? Didn't he know his misgivings about dating someone with a child before he asked you out, or vice versa? Did you give him the impression you were okay with short term and now he sees you want more?
  4. There are major elements in a relationship that both people have to be on the same page about for the most fulfilling life possible. Sexual compatibility is one. As you can see, as is, you will live a life of frustration and she will live a life of feeling pressured. It doesn't matter that all the other areas of your relationship are wonderful. This is a dealbreaker. Sad, but true. Keep dating until you find a woman who meets your needs in every way. Otherwise, you're settling.
  5. If she's literally crying over an ex, she's not going to be ready to date in a month. Strange for her to work herself up in a discussion at her workplace to the point where she starts crying. Does she not know those discussions should be saved for off-hours with her closest friends?
  6. Why you want to be in the presence of someone with this ugly mindset, let alone have sex with him and be upset when he cuts you out of his life, is mind-boggling. Subconsciously you must think all you deserve in life is garbage. All of this is a sign you need to really work on your self-worth or you will continue allowing total jerks the gift of your body. Counseling and reading books on skills to boost your self-love are good ways to begin the process of self-improvement.
  7. You two had been together many years and had a child together. A person thinks long and hard about asking to break up, knowing it usually means forever. If he'd cared enough at the time, he would've asked for improvements to fix whatever is broken in the marriage. He didn't. So believing getting back together was an option wasn't realistic. Your negative emotions will pass if you now take on a pro-active mindset of moving on. List everything in order of importance of things you need to achieve moving forward. In taking care of finances, your child, and all the logistics, also make time to pamper yourself. You have to have your own back in stressful times. Every time you complete a difficult task on your list, reward yourself with something special. Preparing your favorite meal. Maybe invite a girlfriend over to join you. Buying an inexpensive trinket. When he has time with your child, take a walk in your favorite park, etc. Take care.
  8. In a marriage that long, if it'd been a healthy one, the foundation would've held up better through all the tumult of recent stressful years. Since he's all you've know since your teen years, you've obviously been oblivious to his horrible traits as a husband. This is obvious in his recent past and present behavior since he ran away from family problems and created a hurricane of new problems. He is messing with the emotions of two different women, faithful to nobody. And now he's kicking you when you're down, blaming you for the toxic/cruel behavior he's been engaging in. Here is what you do. As said, begin divorce proceedings because you are worthy of someone a million times better. Do not feel sorry for him getting into financial straits that he's now supporting two families. The courts will be fair in what he should be paying for the support of you and your children. Tell him your rule that from now on, all communication will solely be about the children. Nothing about "feelings" between you two. If he starts saying those things, hang up the phone. Tell him to leave the premises. He is merely trying to stay on your good side so that in his mind, you don't screw him out of his money. Why are you attempting to make new friends? Did you not already have a support system of famil and friends around you all these years? If not, why not? Please don't date for several years. Your children need your undivided attention to adapt to the new family dynamic. You also have too much going on with separating from this toxic man to properly give time to a new man. Most importantly, you have to find out who you are as a person without a companion, which you've never experienced. Build a fulfilling life solo first, or you will just be trying to put a Band-aid with likely another toxic man just to try to fend off loneliness. Try some Mommy and Me activities to meet other mothers. Just make sure conversation is also fun and not always about the depressing aspects of your situation, since too much of that will scare away potential new friends. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  9. Sorry, but you two just weren't that into each other to let this golden opportunity pass you by. Attraction yes. But not enough of that magic spark needed most people seek. It doesn't matter whether it's friendship or romance. If equal effort isn't made in communication, the person who never initiates contact doesn't value the connection. I believe you're having a dry spell and are looking to the past to fulfill present needs. You're not finding it, so move on and try new venues of meeting people locally. When he finds a female love interest, his lady won't appreciate you reaching out to him, even in "friendship." And if he's a decent guy, he won't even respond to your texts since you two had past flirtations. Let this go now for everyone's benefit.
  10. It's really insulting to your gf to even consider she's done anything wrong when she's obviously been faithful for a solid 2 years. And here, with what you're written in the above quote, you're the one responsible for putting her in this situation where she has to be regularly subjected to someone who has a major screw loose. His use of her name could either be part of his mental fetishes of obsessing over women as sexual objects, or that he was being passive aggressive because he's living an angry life, perhaps because of a dysfunctional childhood. If you choose to remain friends with someone causing you to question the sanctity of your romantic relationship, at least make sure your gf is never around the man again. Let her know you are totally okay with her deleting him from social media. His feelings about the matter and awkwardness are not good reasons for doing what's best for your gf. What you're doing to get rid of your trust issues isn't enough. Step up to a higher level of achieving that goal, because a partner deserves not to pay the price for a crime she never commited.
  11. Does he seem to have a huge harem of female friends with very few or zero guy friends? Do you feel like the amount of female friends he has surpasses the amount other guys you know have? If so, that might be a red flag. Get very clear and concrete about what relationship boundaries you want. If a guy doesn't share the same views on boundaries, it will never work. If you agree on boundaries, perhaps try telling yourself to trust unless given a reason not to. Your goal should be resilience no matter what happens. Secrets have a way of coming out even if you don't pry or spy. If you believe he's worth sticking around for, give him the benefit of the doubt while also keeping your eyes wide open while you continue to get to know all about him. Time will reveal all.
  12. It's best to only date women who are fully, emotionally ready for connecting with a romantic interest at a normal pace. Not slow, not fast. Normal. When she says she's focusing on herself, it means she's not up to being someone's partner. You're into her, so you're accepting her terms at the expense of your own. I'm sure you don't like this way of dating. Be real with yourself and think of the ideal dating situation you prefer. When you should be in the vetting process, follow your own standards regardless of how attractive a woman is. Your brain and heart need to work in tandem. Right now, you're solely using your heart.
  13. He's taking space away from you like you're toxic waste. Couples might need a few hours of space from one another when there's a heated argument, but totally moving out is no way to resolve relationship problems. It's regressing versus progressing. Two people who love each other would be pulling out all the stops to fix the communication issues in one or more ways. As said, reading a book or two together about communication and practicing those skills--making a true effort. Couples counseling could've been arranged to get a skilled professional's input. He's trying to exit with the least amount of drama possible, for his own benefit. He doesn't care about fixing things, and he only cares about himself. Otherwise, he wouldn't be leaving you in limbo nor in financial straits. Start doing what's best for yourself and make arrangements to move your stuff out of his place. Mature, caring people don't run away from problems. They either work on them with the partner they love, or make a clean break so their former partner can begin to move on. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  14. Marriage should not be happening when such egregious oppositions in points of view on the topic of your parents exist between you and your fiancee. Marriage should also not happen when a partner is verbally and physically abusive. She knows you haven't dumped her yet when she's behaved in this manner. Believe it when I say the wine glass "near" you was a test. You didn't walk away for that. The next time don't be surprised when she actually hits you with an object. There is very often escalation from abusers. You've been warned. Her behavior should be dealbreaker behavior for any person with a healthy self-worth. That's lacking in you, and you are reasoning that the good times should outweigh the bad. That's never the case when the bad involves abusive behavior. Doesn't matter if money's been spent on invitations, deposits, etc. Nor that there will be embarrassment because of a cancelled wedding. It's going to be a lot more money when a divorce happens and numerous legal fees are owed, plus child support payments. As for you, whatever the case might be, if you exit this relationship or sever ties, for your own good and for any future relationship, please read some books on setting boundaries with people and upholding them. Perhaps you've made some progress, but you could likely benefit from more skilled advice. I know I wouldn't be happy with a weekly family meal, either with my own family or in-laws. Even with my mother and mother-in-law now being deceased, I wouldn't have changed the way we did things in the past. Meeting for special meals due to birthdays and holidays, and of course occasional visits that were not part of being regularly set in stone. Many women will not be happy with your arrangement, so if you won't budge from that, then your pool of willing partners will be smaller. Just make sure they know this when you start dating so you don't waste anyone's time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  15. Most people do have good traits. But when they have traits that fall on the negative side, you have to decide if the bad outweighs the good, and if so, end it if there is no improvement after a discussion. Yes, do communicate what you're feeling, because you're feelings are valid and bottling them up will only have you exploding one day. Plus, he's not a mind reader. A partner needs to be told when they are causing stress, and given the chance to improve. If he doesn't improve, it means he doesn't care he is causing you stress, and in essence, truly doesn't care enough about you to be your lifetime partner. How does it sound living a life where you have to keep certain topics secret from him to avoid his "all-knowing, wise advice?" That's stress in itself, and not the way anybody should live. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  16. First, to address your ultimatum. Yes, that was wrong. Early on you should've just said, "Let's discuss the logistics of this and if we share the same dating/relationship goals. Can I ask how you foresee this playing out?" And then if it couldn't happen either because he couldn't afford it or just chose not to make the effort of getting together enough to establish compatability etc., then you could've just cut off communication at that time. No ultimatums needed. Anyway, he's clearly not relationship material as far as you're concerned, so live and learn. For your comment about friends, you're being unrealistic that you can act like a new friend be instantly turn into someone you have a long history with whereas these deep discussions can happen. The fact that that long distant guy had all that time on his hands for you is a red flag in itself. He should be out living a fulfilling life instead of holed up and engaging in a cyber fantasy. You're just going to have to be patient and build your friendships at a normal pace. Speeding stuff up will scare people away. If you want to let out your deep feelings, journal for now. Do not reenter your cyber stuff with that guy, even if it's for friendship. Taking what you believe is the quicker and easier way out in fulfilling your needs is a faulty belief. It's already bitten you in the butt. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them.
  17. Well, yeah, it's all fun when it's a vacation fling, because you haven't yet seen a person regularly enough to encounter all the ups, down, and plateaus the average relationship goes through. If it was such a special connection to him, he would have asked/arranged to meet up with you every two or three months to see if you two had longterm possibilities. To get over him, block him so neither of you can reach out during weak/dry periods. Delete photos and texts, etc. This was a learning experience for you, so now you know hat vacation flings will rarely morph into a forever thing. Meetup.com groups are less stressful than OLD. Look and see if any good ones exist in your area. Even if you don't meet a particular guy you're interested in at one activity, you can still enjoy the activity and feel good that you're being proactive in eventually finding a love interest. So happy you found a job you love. With effort and when luck's on your side, you'll also find a good man. Take care.
  18. A mentally healthy and ethical person would put boundaries on herself for the sanctity of her marriage. A colleague she's attracted to would be the very person she'd be careful about not getting personally close to. I mean, I'm sure you don't engage in that sort of behavior, so why would you let her slide in that area just because you love her? Love does not conquer all, as you can see since you already came close to separating before, and now you've even had a talking to to her male flirting buddy, yet she speaks of meeting up with the man in the future. How thoughtful of her. NOT. She could care less that you're upset. She could care less that she's engaging in risky business that could spell the demise of her marriage. Her goal is titillating attention no matter the fallout. Not that it matters, but that colleague will drop her like a hot potato if you're smart enough to dump your wife, because men who inappropriately engage with a taken woman don't want longterm. They like the clandestine stuff and don't want to put in the effort a serious relationship entails. I'm sorry you've been treated like this by someone who should be the faithful partner you deserve.
  19. There's usually a waiting list for people wanting rental space. Why not speak to the landlord and ask to be let out of the lease if they can find someone willing to rent before May? I can't see that a landlord will care as long as they receive rent from somebody.
  20. Since you're only getting your Mom's perspective on things, I'll give another. Not getting your heart broken over a lifetime is not a realistic goal. Resiliency should be your goal. That's often achieved when you keep a healthy balance in your life of spending time with friends, enjoyable solo time, your education and career, hobbies/interests. When you have all that going on besides dating, a guy will never be the sole center of your universe, and therefore there will be no need to melt into a useless puddle if a break up happens.
  21. Well, even platonic friends can feel jealous, such as if you feel a friend likes another friend better than you in certain situations. You're young and learning about yourself. I remember being surprised at things I didn't expect either when I was young. Such as when I was 18 and had a crush on my soccer coach who was 27. It was an independent league for adults, not school related, and he was just a volunteer. It was not ethically wrong for him to ask me on a date, but when he did, I realized that my crush on him did not translate to actually wanting to date him. That kind of surprised me, that I could have a crush but didn't want to really take that to a different place. Good luck with college life. I have so many good memories of mine. Enjoy.
  22. As said, doing the same thing every day makes it seem not so special. Do you have a life besides your gf? Do you spend time with guy friends? Have your own hobby you do without her? Space can be a gift as well. Allows your partner to miss you and sees you have an interesting life besides having her as a partner.
  23. Easy. Say, "My circumstances have changed and I no longer have time to teach your children English." IMO, that was kind of rude of him to ask such a big favor, anyway.
  24. Yeah, not fun. I've experienced the same a few times. Even though I had to put the men firmly in line, over time we went back to a normal, co-worker relationship with just simple, pleasant hellos, etc. Please know that he's the one who has put you in this awkward position, and he's the one pushing the boundaries. This situation is of his own making. I actually have a male co-worker who years ago was being sexually harassed by a new woman in management. (I believe she was literally a psycho.) He was compiling written statements but first tried being nice. He sat down with her and said, "Listen, just so you know, I don't mix my personal life with my professional life. I don't hang out with co-workers outside of work." It was actually a lie, but he was desperate. Perhaps something you could try if that's the case with you. Otherwise, say whatever you've come up with that doesn't leave him with any false hope. Good luck.
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