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Anonymous posted a topic in Relationship AdviceI'm a woman in my late 30's and my partner is a guy in his early 40's. I've been dating him for just over three months, but I also dated him briefly 20 years ago and then lost touch with him until last year. I've been in a few serious relationships before and been engaged. He has been in one serious relationship before for about 6 years and he was married to that woman. I actually know this woman, she's an acquaintance of mine that I got to know before I ran into my partner again after 20 years. His ex-wife has really bad mental health issues and in their marriage she didn't work, didn't take any care of their pets and didn't do much around the house. My partner did everything. My partner told me that although he hadn't been diagnosed, he suspects that he has high functioning autism. I have actually noticed this because he gets sensory overload, is a fussy eater, interrupts people. But overall he's a nice and kind person and even his ex-wife only had good things to say about him and highly recommended him to me lol My partner had been very sweet to me, giving massages, cooking for me, buying gifts I like, writing me poetry and songs, making origami for me, things like that. Our sexual chemistry is also incredible and this led to an unplanned pregnancy only 2.5 months into us dating each other. Right now I'm nearly 8 weeks pregnant. My partner was really happy and excited about the baby and definitely wanted to have it and be with me. We said to each other that we love each other. There is a huge problem however and that's that I feel really uncomfortable about his relationship with his mother. I think his relationship with his mother seems very co-dependent and inappropriate. His parents knocked off his grandmother's house and built two houses on the land. My partner had lived with housemates or his wife before, but thus time he moved into the house right next door to his parents to "help" them. This was just before we started dating. I straight away noticed that something was going on with his relationship with the mother. His father is from Asia but his Mum is Caucasian Westerner. The Dad has actually never been an issue, it's the Mum. Every time I was over at his house, his Mum kept coming over, usually unannounced and often not even knocking. She would just come in (the door was unlocked or she opened it with her keys). I also noticed that sometimes she came in the house while he wasn't even there. One time we went out and when we came back, we saw signs that she'd been there. She said she came in because "the dogs were barking", but she never told us about it. His Mum would also call on the phone and message often just to chat, or to ask my partner to go over to her place and help with random stuff. I want to point out that the things didn't seem urgent. One time my partner invited my friends and I over for dinner and his Mum knew we were over. She came over twice and the second time asked my partner to come over and help with something. My partner left us, his guests, for about ten minutes to go help his Mum. One time his Mum came over and rang the doorbell and we were in the middle of having sex! My partner didn't tell her it wasn't a good time but put his clothes on and opened the door to her. I have already spoken to my partner a couple of times about this and to please have boundaries with his Mum. He did speak to her and she stopped coming in as much, but she still kept doing it. I also noticed that she's messaging my partner a lot and informing her about everything he's doing, where he's going, etc. Also sometimes she buys him clothes. My partner asked me to move in with him and I felt I really needed to be honest and told him I felt about the Mum situation. My partner was visibly upset but he wasn't rude or anything like that at all. He said that living somewhere else could be an option but he didn't really seem to truly understanding how I feel. He said that in the Asian culture you have to take care of your parents when they're older. I know he grew up in Asia until his late teens. However as I said, his Mum is white Westerner. And the Asian father has not been any problem at all and never calls or comes over. My partner said he feels responsibility as the oldest child to help his parents, but he's not an only child. He's one of four siblings. I really want to make this work and especially for the baby, but I feel like there's nothing I can do? I feel like he's actually fine with this relationship he has with his mother and he's enabling it.
And it's not the first time. He was never once faithful to her. That's how me and my sister have grown up. Watching a broken family act as though we are alright and happy. My mum says she's fine with it as long as we are grown up and keeps reassuring that it doesn't affect her now, but I can tell it does. She just doesn't want to bring in the matter of divorce due to various reasons. But I'm tired of pretending. I feel like this is going to be my whole life. A home that has no real emotions to express. We can't even say it to him that we know since he becomes more careful and just hides it better. I feel like I'm carrying this huge burden on my shoulders. I can't even tell any of my friends, cause guess what? I haven't made any friendships close or strong or long enough to share such thoughts. I don't have friends who would care if I did share. They'd probably just throw some pity and move on. I have an exam in two days. And I can't even focus that well. I must be crazy, right?