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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. Those were some awfully strange, heavy topics on a first or second date. Aborting a child or not, toxic relative not doing chores, etc. Sounds like a blast! I can see why you want more of that 😫 Don't let a stranger know your home address. If they are cuckoo, you don't want them knowing where you live. Meet at a public location until you can trust they are not unhinged. Do you have a wish list on the ideal guy you'd want to date? It sounds like you'd like a someone you can do things with a few times a week. So that's not going to happen with this guy, right? Usually when the beginning of dating someone you're bonkers over, everything seems to be in overdrive and hormones are running wild. And then things come down to a nice normal. If this is all he's got at the beginning, with you having to inquire if there's going to be another date--why are you sinking this low as if you're pleading for his time? At your age, seems like you'd be meeting a large pool of single guys. This fish doesn't want to stay on your hook. Release him back into the sea. And you need to start considering your own needs and cut the losers loose quickly, so you'll be free when someone who will make it crystal clear he's into you, comes along.
  2. I would be cautious about this situation and my advice remains the same. Sometimes men create a phony out, like saying they are moving, so they can speed in and out, and the family death might be true or not. You don't know him at all. Hope for the best but remain cautious. He could be inventing things so that he sees you at his convenience because he already has a gf/wife. Maybe he's decent. Either scenario is possible. Keep your feet on the ground and let him prove himself because it sounds like your strong emotions will overtake your brain. Facebook can sometimes reveal important info. Good luck.
  3. I've only shaken when very angry or upset, so no. I find it odd that he would choose to ask someone out where you live when he knew he'd soon be moving that far away. Just speaking for myself, I'd put online dating on hold until I moved to my new location. If it were me, I'd wait even longer to be intimate with someone like this. I'd first see if he'd be putting effort into this long distance relationship and see if he really wants to get to know you without knocking boots--has the patience. Your chemistry and attraction might have you racing too fast and you might regret your actions if your expectations don't pan out how you wished. I'd enjoy the moments with him with a wait-and-see attitude. Let time tell you all you need to know. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  4. I'd ask her to attend marital counseling with you so that perhaps an impartial, skilled professional will have a positive effect. If she refuses to go, go to a counselor yourself to show your spouse the seriousness of the matter. If she sees the importance you're giving to the matter, it might be a wake up call to her. The boy is not the only one disrespecting you. His mother is for allowing him to treat you like this, and the fact that a portion of your salary is going toward housing and feeding a lazy boy who hasn't been taught to respect his elders. I'd be considering divorce as well if none of the above works.
  5. I don't think you should take what you guess your child's wants or benefits or burdens will be into consideration about this decision. There are too many variables in this world to predict what will make the child happy or unhappy. You and your husband will have to eventually come to a consensus if you two feel a second child should be your destiny. Examples of variables: I have two brothers but have been the sole person to take care of elderly parent needs because one brother can barely even take care of himself because of past drug use and health problems, and the other brother lives in another country. I always wanted a sister and was jealous of my younger brother when I was young because he got more attention from my mother. Oh, well. I don't know anybody who lives a totally charmed life. I only tolerate the older brother and am glad I rarely have to see him, and with my younger brother, it's a half and half thing where we have good times sometimes and irritate each other at other times. I originally wanted four children like my family of cousins who I thought had a fun life. After I had one, I saw how tiring it could be so I decided two was a good number and that they should be 3 years apart. But when the time came to create that timespan, I wasn't ready, and then when I was ready, it took me longer than I thought to get pregnant. They are 4 and a half years apart. My niece is an only child and she never asked for siblings. The good thing in life is that a person never has to be lonely. There are always friends to hang out with. Play dates can be arranged. Sleepovers. Etc. Etc. Good luck in whatever you eventually decide.
  6. I'm totally not shocked that someone who has the poor ethics to communicate flirtatiously with a taken woman would also do things to "hurt" you. You will never attract anyone decent to start a romance with as long as you're legally married. And to call someone you dated for 60 days, and being fresh out of junior high, an ex is really strange. You're trying to create some sort of great reality out of something that is clearly a fantasy, and then you're shocked you're not getting the outcome of a happily ever after you expected. Assume that when your kids are adults, they will find out how you conducted yourself while in the marriage. Secrets have a way of coming out. If you divorce, you are ethically okay to date without judgement. At the moment, you're not being a good role model on how spouses are supposed to behave--in a loving manner. They will think spouses are meant to treat each other like roommates and nothing more. Good luck.
  7. If I was with a man who regularly mentioned women's looks, I'd be both bored and disgusted. Of course everyone occasionally sees someone on screen or while out and about and is wowed by the person's looks. But IMO, someone who says these things more than the norm is what I consider ogling--like what another poster said--objectifying women. What a person talks about is what is active on their mind, and women's looks seem to take up a lot of space in his brain. I wouldn't even bother speaking to him about shutting up about it, since he won't be changing what he enjoys thinking about. He'll just be stuffing a sock in it. Why is he so attractive to you when he behaves like this?
  8. This statement by itself shows that you are nowhere near being ready to enter into another romance. You have emotional baggage and are too vulnerable to recognize and choose a mentally healthy man. Geez, you've been serious with someone four of your teen years and a year beyond. Don't you want a break from being part of a duo and find out who you are without a man? Take the time to find a fulfilling life without a man for now. Enjoy some freedom as a single woman. You have plenty of time to settle down again later, when you're mentally ready. Let me take a wild guess. You think your friends are useless because they see the opposite of all the good traits you're seeing in him. Why can't you see what other posters have mentioned about him being intimate with his best friend, knowing this would emotionally hurt her? Plus, the fact that he called her his best friend means they probably still hang out and communicate. That wouldn't fly for me once that boundary has been crossed. It sounds like getting drunk is quite common for him. Just so you know, not every guy your age does this. You might have better luck in the future dating men who have hobbies that don't involve regular partying and getting drunk. Look after yourself for now without the stress a man, especially one with poor ethics like him, can bring to your life. It's nice to have a support system but if you've never figured out how to be independent and care for yourself, you'll continue playing the part of easy prey for predators.
  9. I can't imagine my husband or any of my female friends' partners wanting to tag along when said friend needs a shoulder to cry on. They'd breathe a sigh of relief when left out of it. You're seeing a pattern here, so trust your gut and don't ignore that strange behavior. If it were me, I wouldn't even have a discussion with him. You can't change what's been on his mind even if he were to no longer to voice it because you've told him to stop. Even if he were never to go after her, he could indulge in voyeurism and fantasy and act differently around her than your other friends. Just because you knew him as an acquaintance or friend before you started dating doesn't mean you knew how he'd be as a bf. What is his relationship history? How old are you two? You've only been dating a few months. I'd get out now before you waste any more time since you feel like your relationship is built on quicksand versus concrete.
  10. Never expect a partner to change in a major way. If he were the type of person who established boundaries, he would have told his employees to only send work-related texts and that he didn't want them to communicate their personal business to him. He hasn't done this so he likes thing as is. You communicated your thoughts on what you perceive as a problem and he doesn't care what you think. And if you don't know what the heart emoji could mean from the girl, what makes you think anybody else would? Since you don't like that behavior in a bf, get a new bf.
  11. Maybe she had her period and was embarrassed to say so. But anyway you just have to believe what she said since guessing is speculation you can't prove. You were the last to suggest Saturday which she turned down. I'd let her be the one to ask for the next date. The ball is in her court. This will give you a sign if she's still interested. If she's not, she won't ask and will let communication fade away.
  12. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve in life. You're lacking low self worth to think this misery is all you deserve. Be alone and read articles and books to learn skills of self-love. If you don't, your man-picker skills will stay the same and the next guy will be just as unhealthy for you.
  13. Your self-worth isn't at the best level you thought it was. He's not an ethically decent man. If he were and was unhappy in his relationship and yet not willing to break up, he would be doing everything in his power to fix the relationship. Instead, he wants the comforts of an intact family plus a side-piece who he cares nothing for. He doesn't care that his side-piece will never fully have him, either physically or emotionally. How she will spend all the major holidays without him. How she will have to be a dirty secret. Chemistry only makes up one part of who you should be with. That seems to be the only part you two possess. You say he respects you? Wow, it's quite the opposite. If he did, he wouldn't have reached out to a naive, thirsty woman he knows lacks self-respect. You were easy prey for him. And his excuse he'd lose time with his children is nonsense. Unless a parent is neglectful or abusive, he will receive his fair share of custody. Regardless, if the excuse was valid, it's still not right to use other people for his own lustful needs. This is a small town, so if you don't think many see what's going on, you're wrong. Save your sanity and reputation and delete him from your life ASAP. As a mother, you especially don't want to be this sort of role model for you child, who sees and hears everything and will witness how you run your life. Yeah, your fantasy of who he is will never match reality. Being alone is better than being in an inappropriate relationship. You have far more work to do on yourself. Good luck.
  14. Once you get time and distance away from him, you will say good riddance versus wanting him back. I know it happened to me with someone I dated a year who I could see I was not a priority with, yet I kept wishing and hoping things would improve instead of realizing he was the wrong man. The next man I dated about 9 months later ended up being a million times better in every way, and he became my husband. You are too close to the situation now to realize it, but he did you a favor by freeing you to meet someone far better. Just make sure you possess a healthy self worth so you won't accept anything less than a man who treats you the way you should be treated. Pamper yourself now and I hope the healing process goes well both physically and emotionally during this difficult time.
  15. In my experience, with guys like this where you think you see a spark, yet he never makes that leap to ask you out or bows out of an invite by you, it usually means that he's just not that into you. He likes being around you because it feels good to have a fan. It's good for his ego. From what I've witnessed in life about people I've known and their behavior, if he was feeling this amazing connection with you as more than friends, he'd take a risk to lose you as a customer to gain a life partner. If you get an answer either with a direct conversation, or because more time has passed with no progression to dating, you'll probably want to lessen this intense friendship to a more reasonable level. Stop thinking of him as dating material and start thinking of him as your teacher who you are casual friends with. Because if it's a bf you want, you won't have time to add one to your life if you're spending 3 hours on the phone with him and 6 or 7 hours hanging out after a lesson. When someone doesn't make it crystal clear he's into you, it's best to assume he's not. Flirting means nothing without asking or accepting a date. Flirting can be a way to keep you on the hook so he doesn't lose a fan. And don't think he's so kind he would never do this. People are complex. And sometimes you have them on a pedestal they don't deserve. It's happened to me at least once in my life. Take care and keep us updated.
  16. Why don't you call him on an actual phone call and tell him what happened instead of messaging or in person since you won't see him until tomorrow? If he has a suspicious mind and breaks up with you when you were being honest, oh well. It's not like he's the last guy on the planet and you'll never date again. To me, it'd be weirder and cause more suspicion when you're keeping secrets which are often found out. Wouldn't you want him to speak up if he'd done the same?
  17. When I go out to eat or to the store, it's not like all the couples look like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. In fact, the majority don't. Romance isn't only reserved for people who look one particular way.
  18. Not that you made any major decisions like moving in together or marriage, this is why it's important not to until you've known a person at least a year. Because yes, it takes time to learn about a person, instead of assuming you know every aspect of a person during the honeymoon period. And if she never received psychiatric care for past trauma, it's a good assumption all of that would negatively come in to play to upset your relationship given more time. I think you acted like a doormat, leaving work to make their vacation plans easier. And $150 for groceries to me was too much after only dating half a year. It's like you're overcompensating. Do you lack self-worth and feel those gifts are necessary for any partner to give you the time of day? Learn what's appropriate. Perhaps the gift of a cake or a fruit platter would've been reasonable. Instead of taking time off of work, you could've suggested on your day off to do something with them, but if you thought an hour drive would be too costly for gas, you could've proposed an alternative. At age 30, if she can't feed her own mother who is visiting, that's her problem. If you have a rescuing mentality, those sorts of relationships are never satisfactory. You hurt yourself and wind up with someone who is broken and can't be fixed by a layperson. That's a psychiatrist's job and a person needs to learn to help themselves. I suggest working on your self worth before attempting to date again.
  19. When you're older, you'll see that she's done you a favor by easing her way out of your life. A person who drops out of college and has to be cajoled and motivated to seek out a career won't be pulling their weight financially in a relationship. From what I've witnessed throughout my life and the people I know, a person's work ethics and whether or not they are go-getters usually don't change just because they get older. At her age, I paid for my own community college where I held a full load of credits and worked full time. She probably sees your "motivational talks" as just more of another sort of parental cajoling. And nobody wants to date a parental figure. I advise freeing yourself to eventually meet someone more mature, perhaps someone who is closer to your age, and someone who is as crazy about you as you are of her. I think it's a good idea to give yourself a good year solo to concentrate on your studies and to mourn the loss of your first love (if she was that), and get to the healing stage before thinking about dating again. Take care.
  20. More concerning is the fact that you went into a stranger's house. Most people, who are safety conscious, avoid meeting up in each others homes until learning more about a person and feeling comfortable that their date is not a serial killer or possesses any other dangerous traits. To me, a guy broaching the subject of that sort of sex after knowing you approximately 4 hours is not someone trying to make a good impression to be a longterm partner. In the future, if you want emotion during sex, get to know each other outside of your homes. See if a guy is patient and wants to get to know you on outings that don't involve making out and having sex. Guys whose sole goal is to bed you won't want to spend time outside of the home, won't be interested in your life, won't have a history of any longterm relationship, won't bring up sex before or during a first date. Take the lessons you've learned from this so you will steer things in a better way in future dating for your own best interests.
  21. This sounds more like what 14 year olds do. Do you have a career? Are you in college? Why are her parents against the relationship?
  22. Once something horrible happens with one or both people being intoxicated, alcohol can no longer be a part of your lives. If a person isn't willing to give that up, then obviously alcohol is more important than a relationship, and therefore a person should be single. Everyone I know who has succeeded in sobriety after a period of abusing alcohol claim to live a far happier life now that alcohol is no longer a part of their lives.
  23. So she was 18 when you started dating. Most people during these young years don't want to do forever, getting so serious without having more dating experiences. This relationship has probably run its course. The amount of time you want to spend with her is not matching the amount of time she wants to spend with you. She's putting up barriers because she probably sees your demands as pressure, and doesn't care how you feel because she's emotionally checked out from you. Probably hopes you will break up with her so she doesn't have to deal with your drama if she does the deed. You've tried communicating with her and it hasn't worked. Your needs aren't being met. Perhaps her family was never comfortable with the age difference between you two, which is a pretty big gap at these stages of your lives. Yet another frustration, with a situation you wouldn't have to deal with dating someone your own age, not being able to have a more adult-like dating situation. When you say wandering around outside, do you mean you don't have a car? Sounds like you're a lot more into her, and she's trying to fade away. In your shoes, I'd break up.
  24. Yeah, what you could do is say "no thanks." Assuming you'd prefer to give the gift of your body to someone who shares your dating/relationship goals. You obviously want someone who emotionally cares for you. He only wants the use of your body. In university, there will probably be at least 50 people in each of your classes, plus you may meet more people in sports, clubs, etc. Plenty of fish in the sea. Why on earth would you settle for crumbs? I'd go no contact. Never wait around for someone like this to be ready, because most often, when they are ready, it's usually for someone else. If he was serious about you but not ready, he wouldn't risk embarking on FWB status and ruin what could've been a beautiful thing later when he was ready for something serious. He's giving excuses. He's just not that into you. Someone who wants to date you will be turned off and not want to date you if you're in communication with a "friend" you have a crush on. And that's not something you will be able to, or should, keep as a secret. Take a clean break now for your own good and block him. You're obviously in need of boosting your self esteem since you still want him after he's suggested this and you think he's perfect. He could care less that he'd be hurting you. Don't be so naive to think he doesn't know this. Don't date until you've worked on your self esteem or you will keep attracting, and be attracted to inappropriate men like this. Good luck in your studies.
  25. Are you all still in high school? Nobody seems mature enough to date in this scenario. I remember dealing with ridiculous drama like this when I was 15-16. Don't listen to other people speaking for another and take that as fact. If someone treats you like a ghost, even if she's pretty, walk away and for good. And yeah, this is the time in your life where you will meet oodles of single women. Do your dating away from the workplace, as in the way you're operating, making bad decisions while drunk, these relationship are bound to be very short term, and then you have the awkwardness of seeing an ex at work every day.
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