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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. This is something major you want him to change about himself. It's not like minor stuff such as wanting someone to be better at cleaning crumbs off a counter. When you can only be happy if someone changes in a major way, it's not the right relationship for you. What is it that changed his poor ethics of cheating into being a person with good ethics? Did a major epiphany happen? How long has it been since the cheating incident, that he has proved himself to be a faithful partner?
  2. If he was serious about building a life with you, he would sever ties with a past love interest. She's not in his past. He keeps her in his present. He gets to have convenient intimate times with you, who lives closer, and also gets to keep his faraway love for fun trip nookie and ego strokes with love letters. Never communicate with the other woman. It's playing with fire. See what can happen in the worst scenarios because of these love triangles on 48 hours Mystery and other true crime stories. End it with this nowhere man and concentrate on solely being a mother and career woman for now. You should also work on building a healthy self esteem, because the fact you're still with him after all of his bad behavior shows you have rock bottom self worth. When you feel good about yourself, you will only accept decent men. Take care.
  3. You can't consider IVF until you've been sober at least a year, since abstaining from alcohol while pregnant must be something that's doable for you, plus you should be confident that you will remain sober the rest of your life to be able to properly raise a child. In your shoes, I'd forego dating to work on myself. Because when you're not fully healthy in body and mind, the prospective partners available to you won't be either. If your biological clock is ticking, so be it. If you're too old biologically to reproduce when you've reached a lengthy time being sober, when you're actually ready, there are always other ways to become a parent besides the norm. When you do things in desperation, it never turns out well. And the child is the one who suffers the most. I gave an example of this about a friend of mine in one of your previous posts. Sending tough love I know you won't like, but I feel is important. Take care.
  4. Her excuses are nonsense. Four weeks ago she decided she was okay to date, and now because of ongoing family issues, which didn't start merely 4 weeks ago, dating doesn't work for her? I'm sure she didn't abstain from dating before you, and won't refrain from dating in the future. Her sister's depression will remain a lifetime. Her father could live a decade a more with his Alzheimers. And she's going to remain solo? People with opposite relationship goals aren't meant to be. Tell her you're choosing not to remain friends and continue on your goal for finding a gf who has her life together.
  5. Don't ever send anything like what you've stated here. It screams of someone with zero confidence. Very submissive. Confidence is the biggest attractor. If you're going to take a risk, do it with a spine, such as: I'm going to try this new coffee/smoothie place on Saturday. Would you like to join me? Even if a person was busy, but interested, he would always suggest an alternate day and time to do something together. If not interested, you will get your definitive answer if he says no or that he's busy and he never lobs the ball back that's in his court. You can then emotionally move on and leave Mr. NoGo in the past.
  6. It's not controlling. It's voicing your needs, which are reasonable. The alternative is building up resentment and being a doormat. Come to a consensus that will satisfy you both, or at least a decision you both can live with. If she doesn't care how you feel, then she doesn't care about you. I make concessions for my husband, and he does the same for me. No two people, whether roommates or romantic partners, are ever exactly the same on all issues. Yes, you have to communicate.
  7. He might be my ex. Kidding aside, I had the exact same situation with a guy I dated for a year. I was at a gas station after work. He was 20 minutes away. He asked if I had AAA which I did, but of course I could be waiting around for 45 minutes or longer and I just wanted to go home after a long day of work. He did come out, but grudgingly. He also showed in other ways that I was not a priority. I had been so tired of dating to find someone decent that I was stupidly hanging on to someone who clearly wasn't, hoping for improvement. When I got some distance from the relationship, I couldn't even believe what I put up with and for so long. I think you'll have the same experience. Thank God, the next man I seriously dated became my husband, who is the total opposite, and will come to my assistance without question. A few months ago, he proved that when I was on my way back from a business function 3 hours away in a work vehicle with a co-worker, and the vehicle died. I called my husband to get advice on what the issue could be and he immediately offered to drive the 3 hours. Luckily, my co-worker figured out that he hadn't hooked up the battery cables tight enough when he put in a new one and we made it back fine. I wouldn't even have a talk to rectify things since you say he's been selfish in numerous other ways. Stay strong.
  8. Reminds me of the Goldilocks story. Her first tries with the porridge were that one was too hot and one was too cold before she ate the third one which was just right. First chair was too hard, second was too soft, third was totally comfortable. You're having learning experiences with dating that you shouldn't ignore. It's great that you didn't repeat the pattern and are dating someone who isn't toxic. But because it's not toxic, your brain is telling you she should be your lifetime partner, but your heart and soul is saying something is missing. As LaHermes said, people with children can and do enjoy concerts and purchasing CDs and albums. Since my children were born, I attended at least 25 concerts, and brought them to a few of them like Jimmy Buffett and the Dave Matthews Band. Since bands and music is something my husband and I like to discuss, and my husband is a foodie as well and enjoys my compliments about his cooking, I can see that there's probably not much for you and your gf to discuss besides the news, etc., which is mostly negative. Yeah, I think you're probably settling and that you should continue the search for that perfect-temperature porridge and a chair that will make you ooh and ahh.
  9. Now that she has her stuff back, block her number. It was never going to work, even if you were a totally together person. Age gap relationships of a 20 or more gap have a 95 percent failure rate. And her brain won't even be fully mature for another 4 years in the decision making area. She has no idea what she's doing, making the dumb decision of dating someone her father's age. During the first year of sobriety, AA recommends not moving in to a new place, don't get a new pet, don't date. Why? Because even though there can be positives to all those things, they also come with stress. If you eventually want a successful lifetime partnership, you're going to have to do the hard work on yourself now, without outside stressors. I'd let that lady you wanted to go slow with know you made a mistake and that when you have reached your goal of a year of sobriety, and she's had time to work on her own goals, you two can reconnect at that time if both are in agreement. Good luck.
  10. She only agreed to your request of a meet up after 3 months to avoid an immediate moment of possible drama from you if she said, "No. This is a clean break up and my decision is final." I'm sure's she's hoping after that time period, the fading away process will have worked. Speaking as a woman, after six years with someone, I would've thought long and hard about the decision to break up, knowing it would spell forever. She's okay with you not being with her forever. It's possible she truly wanted to wait until 30 to marry, but it's also possible she's been too cowardly to break up for years, and now was the point where the straw that broke the camel's back. I'd go no contact and stay that way. If someone was willing to let me go once, I'd find it in my best interest to be free to find the person who will never let me go.
  11. When you're lacking an emotional connection with a partner, it's easy to fall into an emotional affair. Often it is someone at work, since those are the people you encounter daily. But yeah, it's ethically wrong and a poor decision for your own well being. For the sake of your child, why not pull out all the stops and see if this partnership can be revived? Communicate what you need from him. Be a team player and help him polish his resume, etc., so he can regain his self respect, which will boost his mood if he gets another job. Go for walks with him and your child for exercise, and to spend time enjoying the outdoors and for chatting. To build up to sex again, maybe start with exchanging foot and back rubs. Hold his hand while sitting on the couch. Sometimes the best way to change another's behavior is to change your own. If after trying, you find your love is dead and you split up, it'll be time to concentrate on getting your child used to a new life with Dad no longer living there. Don't try to date until everybody fully adjusts to this new dynamic. Not only is that in your child's best interest, but yours, too. You can put boundaries on yourself at work. Stop sneaking glances at him. Stop fantasizing about him. Keep discussions about work and don't discuss your personal life with him. Don't go to coffee and lunch with him. Date outside of work. You do have power over your own mind. Good luck.
  12. The only thing you talk about is what he doesn't do for you. Are you really sure he is your version of the greatest lifetime partner and nobody else will do? Or, are you just used to him since you've been together so long? Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he make you feel special? Does he do his fair share of chores? Does he make your life easier? Do you match in all the major ways? Do you share the same ethics? Do you feel an emotional connection with him? After some soul searching, if you think you really want to spend forever with him, ask him to sit on the couch with you and turn off the t.v. Then I'd say, "I think this is a good time for us to marry and then work on having children." After ten years, if you can't be honest with someone about how you're feeling and voice what you want, you're in the wrong relationship. He can't argue with what you want. He'll either tell you if he agrees or why he doesn't want to do that. You will then get your answer so you can move ahead with your goals with him by your side, or cut your losses. Just because it's common for a man to do a formal proposal doesn't mean one size fits all. My husband and I had discussions about marriage and had the ceremony. There was never any proposal from him. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  13. If you Google Confessions from an ex Hooter's waitress, plenty of articles will pop us. This excerpt is from The Daily Mail. 'For most, there was the unspoken exchange of money for some conversation and attention,' she explains. 'This is where Hooters really veers off and differs from your regular restaurants. Though the famous spandex uniforms are 'extremely unflattering', Miss Burgess says there is an opportunity to make 'much more than at your average restaurant, all in a laid-back and fun environment' 'Coined “entertainers,” Hooter Girls are expected and encouraged to chat and hang around with customers, which can be truly awesome, and also horrifying depending on the customers you’re stuck with.' And a word of warning to men: 'You're not going to get a date at Hooters,' she says. 'At the end of the night, most of us are throwing out handfuls of wadded up Post-its and napkins with phone numbers on them.' (In my opinion, if she's that bold to hug you and tell you where she lives, she would've been bold enough to write her number down and slip it to you. But you also have to think about how comfortable she is hugging a stranger, and if you did date her, would you really like to have a gf who has no boundaries doing this with other men? You can't assume you were the special one/only one she's done this with and it'd be foolish to think she will never do this again with another man. If she's got a winning personality, attractive and with a good body and makes a decent salary, why is she single, if in fact she is?)
  14. When you really care about a person, when they ask for something reasonable, you want to please them. I think you're fooling yourself that you care in the way one should for a longterm partner. Otherwise, you wouldn't have ignored her requests. In the future, I'm sure you'll be more aware that relationships are like houseplants. If you don't care for them, they'll die. It's no wonder her feelings have died.
  15. I skimmed over your post. What I got from it is that you don't cut the losers loose as soon as you see, what to most would be, a dealbreaker. You're wasting a lot of time, the length of one year for each incompatible partner, and so it will take you decades longer to find a winner compared to someone who knows how to date wisely. You continue on with a woman, even as you say they don't give as much as you do. You stayed around for this, even though a person with self worth would've ended it the first time this happened. How about making a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it when dating in the future? Most people have to dig through a lot of sand to find the treasure so that isn't unusual. What's unusual is that you act like you've made your bed, so now you have to lie in it. No, if the beds lumpy or has bed bugs, you don't. LOL Learn from your mistakes. Recognize red flags and act accordingly. Good luck.
  16. You didn't work as a couple. You don't work as friends. As neither of these things, he should no longer have access to your phone number. Delete it. Block him. You might think your group of friends will always be there, operating as is, forever. But people move away or drift to new friends or couple up and no longer have time for regular group outings. Is there a reason you can't get make plans with one or two of them without always being a part of a larger group where he'll be there? Things are bound to change anyway, so why not start some evolving now? If you do encounter him in a group, sure, say a brief hello. Stop the one-on-one talks. Concentrate on other people in the group. That's the next step to see him as being somebody who is there, but doesn't mean anything to you, is doable. If that doesn't work, then you should consider no more group activities where he's there. You went back and forth in a long toxic conversation whereas you could always walk away, hang up the phone, block. You chose to engage in that nonsense. Learn to have a spine. If you're not in charge of your life, you're choosing to be a doormat to lowlifes who will wipe their muddy boots all over you.
  17. Please don't lug emotional baggage in to a new relationship. What this woman did has nothing to do with what a new partner will do. Take each try at dating with a wait and see attitude. Though you didn't make any major decisions with her like moving in together or marriage, this is an example of how one shouldn't make those decisions before at least the 1 year mark. Because as you can see, when the honeymoon phase begins to end and the next stage, more serious, is next, that's usually a telling moment to see if the person will bail or want to continue. Did you keep up with your friendships and hobbies/interests besides being a bf during this time? If not, yes, it's smothering to a partner. Something to learn from. And yes, see how a person reciprocates efforts to truly gauge their interest instead of them coasting and sticking around for the moment because they'll briefly enjoy being spoiled and treated to everything. Sometimes, a person who has poor self worth will subconsciously believe a person treating them well doesn't feel right, because they don't feel worthy of that devotion and attention. That could be the case, but it's not for you to delve into and fix about another. And the fact that she acted snotty to you more than once seems to be acceptable to you because it sounds like you would take her back if she "realized what she's now missing." A nice and mature woman wouldn't treat you like this even if she's on her way out the door. You're letting your feelings for her cloud the fact that maybe your fantasy of who she is isn't realistic. Build up your own self esteem so you will recognize a better partner for yourself in the future. I think she did you a favor by breaking up. When you get some distance from her and meet someone you match with better, I think you'll finally realize this yourself.
  18. I was always honest, saying that I enjoyed meeting them, but lacked the chemistry I needed for a long term relationship. I don't recommend staying friends. It muddles things with a future partner. Your new partner won't accept you staying friends with someone who wanted more from you. This woman needs a clean parting of ways so she can bond with someone who shares herr interest.
  19. Even if you don't verbalize it, women are intuitive and can put two and two together: if you don't have a fulfilling life beside being in contact with her, she will feel smothered and know it's best to distance herself because it's too weighty to be someone's everything and that you'll fall apart without her. You won't be ready to date until you get you get treatment that works for your depression. If you join one or more college clubs where you have a true interest in the activity or subject, you will make friends. I was in the ski club in community college and made friends there, and was invited to parties by some of the members. My daughter was the president of an Environmental club. The choices are endless. Your interests will make you a more interesting person to be with, and when you have friends and hobbies outside of having a romantic partner, it will be less devastating if a break up happens because you have other satisfying things going on in your life. A woman wants to share in your happiness, but not be the sole source of it. And when you get a gf, keep up with your friends and hobbies. Don't let that part of your life fall by the wayside, which many mistakenly do. Good luck.
  20. There are two wrongs here. When not exclusive, if you have plans with someone else, you keep the details to yourself. She told you about the "male" friend to get a reaction from you, whatever that may be. To get you jealous and tell you she's a prize you'll have to win? To let you know this is how she will operate when dating you, so if you can't handle it, you're free to leave? Who knows? The second wrong is you lugging emotional baggage from your past and bringing it to your present. Don't make a new person pay the price for a crime she never committed. Take a wait and see attitude when dating. You will learn all you need to know over time if the person is trustworthy or not, and if they meet all of your major needs or not. Know your views on opposite sex friendships and only date women who share the same view. Good luck.
  21. Your entire thread reeks of your low self-worth. That's why you allowed yourself to enter into an emotional affair with a cheater. It doesn't matter if he had the worst wife on the planet. The fact that he started a romance with you, even if it was conversation only, without achieving a divorce first, shows his poor ethics and lack of boundaries. Even if he had been freshly divorced, he should have been concentrating on his children and getting them used to a new way of life instead of soothing his ego with you. I imagine if his wife had a voice in this, she'd be saying he's the toxic one. I'd cut all contact with him. Stay alone until you build up your self worth by reading books and articles on the best practices to do this. When you have a healthy self-worth, you will only accept decent men who have their lives together. You're far from this, as you see him as some prize where we can all see he's the opposite.
  22. This seems to confirm what I originally thought. She's just not that into you. She might think you're attractive and fun to be with, but that all important spark isn't there. I've been in similar situations before, where there initially seemed to be chemistry between me and a guy, and there would be flirting, and the guy seeking me out to talk. But then nothing ever took off. When they are wishy-washy like this, they like the ego boost and the fun of flirting, but when it gets down to developing something that will lead to regular dating and hoping to build something nice, they press the emergency stop button. It's my guess that even if she had a whole year without a man in her life, she still wouldn't be good dating material for you. A few of those guys I wanted more from, I later learned unsavory things about. Now that I'm happily married, I'm so glad my guardian angel was at work doing right by me. Sometimes you just have to trust fate has someone better in store. Someone who will be crystal clear how crazy she is about you. Take care.
  23. Exchanging books at work is not romantic. I've given books I've read to co-workers of both genders at work who I know are readers, and some have given me books. It's just a shared interest. If you don't have a used book you'd think she'd like, it'd be acceptable to just acknowledge her kindness with something simple like other's have said. If you know she likes a particular type of coffee and you're stopping to get yourself one, pick her one up as well.
  24. I know full well how depression can make the person view things falsely. My first husband suffered from depression. It's like they are living in an alternate universe where they perceive negativity, usually mostly from their partner, where there is none. Not until I seriously said I wanted a divorce, in a calm discussion when we weren't fighting, did he take me seriously. I told him I was no longer going to live like that anymore. He went to the psychiatrist and went on meds for 2 years and it was wonderful. After that successful period, he decided to go off the meds and got worse than before, and I eventually divorced him. I have a feeling if your husband was pressed to do the same or lose you, since he couldn't even continue to attend more than 1 counseling session with you, that he'd stop treatment at some point, too. He won't help himself, so no, you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness to stay with someone abusive. You say you've been together 11 years and he's your 4th serious relationship, yet you were likely, what, 18 or 19 when you began dating him? It's time for you to find out who you are solo without a man. Take time to gain happiness without a man. Ironically, only then will you be prepared to make a wiser decision as a more mature adult, for choosing a decent future partner.
  25. I would have expected someone I was exclusive with to keep me in the loop as to why he'd often be incommunicado for a certain time period--that he had relatives visiting from this date to that date. And even if relatives were visiting, if it were me, I'd at least excuse myself for 10 minutes to make a call to communicate to my partner once a day. Your standards are very low if this is the type of negligence you accept when exclusive with someone.
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