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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. This could be true, though she might not consciously think about it in those terms. For people with low self-worth, normalcy (a guy treating her right) might seem "off" to them. Whereas, dysfunction seems normal. Best not to give whatever her deal is any more of your brain space. You usually have to date a boat load of people to find a good match. I know that happened to me. Her exit frees you to be available to date someone who will appreciate you for exactly who you are.
  2. To me, there's something severely wrong with a parent who barely has anything to do with their child. I can't figure out why that wouldn't have been a dealbreaker in itself to you. Doesn't that show you a lot about a person?
  3. So by casual you mean date for 3 or 4 months short term to get brief, shallow companionship and assuming some noogie, and then you make your exit because you don't want to put in the longterm effort it takes to be in a serious relationship? Sounds like there is nothing you like putting any effort into. Do you find this way of life satisfying? Have you had any willing participants who share your dating goals? Do you tell them on the first date you are only doing casual, or do they find out when you make your exit after 3 or 4 months?
  4. G shouldn't be dating anyone while trying to kick addictions. It's one of the pieces of wisdom when is in AA, and battling narcotics addiction--not to take on anything new during the first year of attempting sobriety such as getting a new puppy, starting a new romance, moving into a new place. You've regularly seen him drunk since you mention that he always gets depressed while drinking. He has a drinking problem which should be a dealbreaker for you, and especially the fact that it's greatly impacting his life. He has to rely on other people for rides. You yourself have an issue with alcohol if you've crashed on the couch and have other people speak of carrying you to a bed. Like you don't even have use of your faculties. You and your group of friends can't even do an activity like bowling without drinking? You've surrounded yourself with people who focus on alcohol way too much. Moving out of youthful experimentation and partying days has to happen at some point. As you can see, alcohol isn't the fun, magical elixir to make one's life better. I have many relatives and friends who claim to be a million times happier now that they've completed many years of sobriety. And your friend "S"? He doesn't sound like any prize, boinking women willy-nilly. Your chemistry with him is biological. Start using your brain on more decent people to be friends with. And your continued crush is preventing you from bonding with someone who is good boyfriend material. I'd distance myself from this crowd you've established yourself with and break up with the drunk. They all sound like they've pickled their brains and will be stuck in a vat of alcohol, drowning in a wasted life.
  5. I don't like to think you owe a friend anything. She did something nice for you in the past because your friendship was satisfying at the time. Friendships often evolve and just because someone supported you in the past, if a present day friendship isn't beneficial to you, you don't need to pay a hefty price now for what you perceive as a past debt. Why did she say she couldn't count on you--the reason she ended things? Were her expectations unreasonable? Without knowing more, I don't know whether or not you should hear her out over coffee. I would probably guard my heart. Perhaps she's driven away other friends with too high expectations. If you do go for coffee, it doesn't mean you have to sign a promise to be friends forever and get together regularly. I only had one close friend drift away after she got a boyfriend and didn't make time for friends. I took her back after he ended things with her when she wrote me a letter saying she'd made a mistake. Our friendship really didn't thrive after that. Just like in seeing past patterns of romantic partners/exes, she might repeat the pattern again and dump you all over again when you don't meet her expectations. Without further info, that's all I have for now.
  6. Can you give some more examples of what you perceive as him being a little jealous? How long have you been dating? What's his life like besides dating you? Does he hang out with guy friends and has a fulfilling life outside of being with you, or not? What did he tell you about his past relationship history? Does he grill you about your past romances and wants more details than normal, or not?
  7. Whether or not you both go to sleep at the same time, it would probably make you feel more bonded if you spend a brief amount of time laying together in bed to chat and caress each other or hug. Maybe that's what you're missing. And then you can go to the other bedroom. I wear earplugs called Hearos that work well. If the noise is still outrageous, I ask him to go sleep in the extra room. The nose strips don't work on him. He would never use a CPAP. It helps now that we are on the same sleep schedule which wasn't the case for many years, so I don't usually hear him snore when we fall asleep at the same time.
  8. This is a ridiculous notion. You're 22. People in every decade, including their 70s, 80, and 90s can, and have, found life partners. It's also ridiculous that you would find it healthy to love someone less than you've loved a broken man. You think you'd be doing a guy a favor by being with him even though you're settling, and he doesn't have your full heart? Believe me, no guy wants any part of that. And a man can't make you happy. Your goal should be to learn being happy solo, and wanting to share that happiness with a man who is just as whole in mind and spirit. And then you can enjoy a happy life together, pampering each other and being good lifetime companions to each other. You've got a lot of work to do on yourself. Don't rush into romance until that's completed. You have plenty of time much later when your mindset has improved on how to date wisely.
  9. Please stay alone until you do value yourself. Read books and even get therapy if possible on how to get a healthy self esteem. If you don't, you will continue to select and attract inappropriate men. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve in life. You chose to be neglected because you don't think you're worthy of anything more. The psyche is complex. A woman who has a healthy self esteem will make a quick exit when her major needs aren't being met. Nagging, begging, voicing upsetting concerns on a regular basis never happens--is never necessary when you're in the right relationship with someone who makes you a priority. He never wanted longterm. He could clearly see he'd get what he wanted from you with minuscule effort from himself, and then when what he wanted was overridden by the price of you complaining, he bailed. As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. The guy has a pattern of bailing. At least 3 times in a 12 month period. The guy verbally abused you and neglected you. This would happen in the future as well. At a period in life when I thought I'd boosted my self esteem, I really hadn't. I also spent a year with someone who didn't value me and he broke up with me. I, too, was devastated and begged for 2nd chance. It took me at least a good 4 months of mourning. And when he did text at that point, I'd had enough time and distance away to shake my head at why I'd stayed and why I'd wanted him back. When he texted, I think he was feeling sorry for himself because he was supposedly sick with the flu. I felt empowered to let him know I'd moved on and had no interest in speaking to him again. His text did set me back to square one in healing and stirred up extreme emotions. Don't let your ex bring up all that in you again. Block him from calling you to bring on your closure for a quicker healing process. If you learn from this, it's not all in vain. Vow to never again put more effort than you get. Vow to never be with anyone who strikes fear in you that he will leave you for shallow nonsense. Make a dealbreaker list and a must have list and stick to it. The man I met 10 months after this break up became my wonderful husband who does make me a priority. Today is his birthday but I feel like I got the present I deserved in life.
  10. The bad thing about dating a coworker is that there's a chance it will be short-lived, and then you have the awkward tension of having to see an ex at work every day. We can't know if she's a touchy feely type with many or not, or only does this with you and is interested. Go by what you want and ask her to join you to do something outside of work if you're willing to risk what's in the above paragraph. Overthinking, indecisiveness, and waiting for signs from the heavens will have life passing you by. If she's not interested, you can mentally move on. No biggie.
  11. Your guardian angel made sure you saw this, but you ignored the warning and legally tied yourself to a dirtbag. Learn from this and know that a person's ethics are their ethics. Who cares if he said he would cut this girl off? Didn't his character, shown through his words, make you see him as ugly and blackhearted? Mistakes to forgive are minor things like forgetting once that it's your turn to do the laundry. Poor ethics are egregious and not something to let slide. I agree you should get an annulment. I'm sorry you've been betrayed like this.
  12. This is always about a guy trying to avoid severe drama from the lady in the present. He feels like saying this will lessen the blow and let him exit without an emotional meltdown from his ex, allowing him to slither away in a more mellow fashion. Don't buy it. Though you're too close to the situation to realize it, one day you will be so happy he freed you to find someone who will be crazy about you.
  13. So sorry this sad time has come. You gave her the best life possible. And now you will give her the gift of peace in being there to ease her over the rainbow bridge.
  14. Look at the present and expect it's not likely to change in the future. Hoping so is unrealistic. He's not doing anything about his depression, so assume he never will. Your sex life sucks, so don't expect it to improve. Some people who suffer from depression isolate themselves, so expect his friendships will continue to fall by the wayside. Caring about someone doesn't guarantee relationship happiness. He doesn't meet your major needs, so it's time to realize this and do what's best for yourself. Making yourself free so that one day you can meet someone who will be be a satisfying partner.
  15. Read articles about toxic partners and you will see your situation in them. Here's one excerpt: Signs of controlling behavior include: Telling you what's right Threatening to out you Needing to know everything you do and who you're with Trying to manage your money Secluding you from loved ones or always being present when you are with others Acting like you don't know what you're talking about Requiring access to your personal devices such as phone or email accounts Breaking up several times means the relationship isn't right for you. When you think about a future with him, do you feel a warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart, or do you feel like a ton of bricks is laying on your chest? It has to be the bricks or you're severely in denial. The right partner will positively expand your life, not make it smaller. In isolating you, he is making your cage smaller and smaller. You're holding the key to escape. I suggest you enlist the help of your parents and to be strong yourself. There will be no gradual exit to this bondage. You have to make a clean exit and make your walls strong so he can't get to you physically or emotionally. You have to go no contact, and you might even have to temporarily retreat to a place where he can't find you if he tries to track you down. Abusers like this don't give up easily. He already worn you down twice after breakups. You need to have a new strategy this time but it will be worth it. Envision your life with him timing how long it takes you to get groceries. He will dictate how you dress. You won't have happy holiday gatherings because he sees your family as enemies. He will hire a detective to prove you're cheating. He will put a tracker on your car. Get out now before you've been fully zombified. Good luck and keep us updated.
  16. Usually there are so many clubs available at UNI that you could join. See which one strikes your interest. But from what you've written, I'd change your mindset in this case to just enjoying a group of people in an interesting social environment--a good way to enjoy the minimal leisure time you have. Sometimes friendships take years of exposure to each other before a closer friendship evolves. Sometimes people click right away. You need to be realistic that instant friendships are more rare. If you're too intense and thirsty to make a friend, you will scare him/her away just as you would with a gf, going too fast. What I get from what you're writing is first and foremost in a friendship you want a shoulder to lean on. Someone to help you through problems. Most people initially think of new friendships as a source of good company to enjoy a meal with and to chat about common interests. Later, if you've developed a strong bond, it's good to have a sympathetic ear, but if you find yourself friendless, it could be that you overdo that need for a person to cry about your problems to. You might start a study group for people in your major. I went back to college to get a B.A. in my late twenties. A group of us oldies in my major, about 8 of us decided to form a study group and would meet at each others homes and shared notes, etc. and had discussions about the professors' lectures. Even if no lasting friendships form, there is still quality to short-term connections such as this. Seems as though your mind could use some expanding. That's why the expression exists of "thinking outside of the box." Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
  17. If you might leave school due to mental health issues, you're really not in a good place to date at the moment. You should really also being thinking about the traits in a guy you want to date in the future. You're already in a graduate program. He still lives with family and isn't financially sound. Being young, you might have a "love conquers all" mentality, but as you get more life experience, you will know that isn't true. You should be looking at how well a partner can contribute to a household--good work ethic. After one or two dates, if a person fades away without further word, it's ethically okay. But IMO, he spent an entire weekend with you. Even if you two aren't exclusive, he should have had the decency to explain why he would no longer be in contact. I know I would've done so in the same situation. I don't know why you would want further contact with someone who treated you like this. You have the rest of your life to find a partner. Now is the time to set up your career by finishing your education. I'd make that your goal without dealing with the stress new relationships often bring. If you are convincing yourself you'll leave school for your mental health, but in the back of your mind it's really that you want to move back by him, thinking it will be fairytale romance, you are making a huge mistake.
  18. Her brain won't be fully mature in the decision-making area for another 3 years. That's clear because instead of her realizing she should have ended things with you the second she learned of what should be a dealbreaker, she clings onto immediate gratification and blocks the future from her mind. Do her a favor and be the one to end things yourself. Also be cognizant that on average the bigger the age gap, the larger risk of relationship failure.
  19. Just for reason number 1, you should end things. There will always be some people who are more attractive than your partner. But for people who are in love, this is a non-issue. Your reasons to keep the relationship are not relevant. You think you'll never again date a woman capable of being loyal, is a decent person, and will care about you? That's ridiculous. You don't value who she is because of her interests or lack of them. Let her go so each of you can find someone more compatible. And of course she will be upset but you will be doing her a favor, even if she doesn't realize it.
  20. Develop a weekly/monthly planner. Plan out your activities in advance. Since you have a full life of work, school, and dating, limit seeing a guy to twice a week. Fill in slots for timelines for work, studying, lunch with a friend, pampering alone-time. You have to work to keep a roof over your head. Education is important to provide career happiness and the financial lifestyle you desire. Those things can't be shoved aside for more-than-is-needed boyfriend time. I keep a calendar to keep track of everything. It'll be helpful for you to organize yourself in this way, and you will likely feel more in control when you see everything in writing and stick to the plan you've set for yourself.
  21. Since you say he doesn't have much money, he splurged this one time for a trip, but probably realizes doing this regularly isn't doable so he doesn't want to waste any more time. You two did something that's also not the norm in local dating at such an early stage, which is spending 24 hours together. That's one of the cons of LDRs. You're sort of forced to spend too much time together too soon. Though you enjoyed, he might've thought it was too much in the end. Since you can now see that sometimes a short time guy might end up being who you want as a longterm guy, maybe you should hold off on being intimate until you've known a guy a little longer. It's a better way to see if you really want to continue spending time with a guy versus the biological bonding with a guy that can happen because of hormones released in a woman when she's intimate with a guy. I wouldn't tie myself to a long distance guy when you will be surrounded by numerous local single guys your age. Good luck.
  22. Just because you answered one way with days you were free, doesn't mean that another person will respond exactly the same way. Just say, "I'd like to take you to this new restaurant I've been wanting to try on Friday night." If he already has plans, but was interested in seeing you again, he should then give you alternate days he is free. If he doesn't give an alternate day and you never hear from him again, you can move on. If he says that's a good plan and he's available, then there's your positive message. Be direct to avoid being left up in the air.
  23. If you were in a LTR while spending time with someone who had a crush on you, you and your "friend" were both in the wrong. You were crossing boundaries with your bf and your friend was crossing boundaries by pursuing and kissing a taken woman. A guy who pursues a taken woman usually never wants longterm. He likes the fact the woman is involved with another man so he doesn't have to put in the effort a serious relationship would require. So it's no surprise things turned out the way they did. This "friendship" can't last a lifetime like it could've if it was always a platonic relationship. His new gf won't want you around and communicating with him. Your new love interest will make a quick exit when he finds out you're hanging out with an ex FWB whom you wanted more from. Go no contact to put an end to this dead end.
  24. Since you have a suspicious mind, I'd suggest not being friends with significant others on social media so you can avoid seeing whose photos he likes. Something you should know: There is no need to be a detective to either confirm someone's cheating ways or to appease yourself that nothing is going on at the moment. Secrets always have a way of coming out. No need to pry. And If you don't want someone to assume the worst of you rather than see you as innocent unless something happens to prove otherwise, then don't make a partner pay for the crime he never committed. When I met my husband, he was cheated on twice by the two main longterm partners he'd had. He also had a mother who was narcissist, plus turned a blind eye to emotional and physical abuse committed by his father onto him and his siblings. Yet, he never once assumed I'd cheat. If I said I had dinner plans with a girl friend, he said "Have a good time" and meant it. When he couldn't go on a trip with me because he'd just started a new job, I went with a girl friend. He called me daily, saying he missed and loved me and detailed my car while I was gone. Not once did he ever wonder or ask if I was really going out to dinner to meet a man or that I would have a girls gone wild trip. You can retrain your brain to think positive thoughts, and now that you understand the psychology of why you might have behaved in certain ways, put a plan in place to change that dynamic. You take chances on people who lack red flags and that's the only control you have. If a breakup happens, oh well. Teach yourself that you will survive and be just fine. You won't crumble to the ground and stay there. There are no guarantees in life. Just be the best gf you can be, choose a partner who shares your ethics and dating goals, and hope for the best. When you have a fulfilling life besides having a partner, a breakup will be upsetting but not as devastating as it would be if he was the sole center of your universe.
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