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Andrina

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Andrina last won the day on February 24

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  1. Wow, if you haven't blocked him, as you should, and plan on meeting him, get ready for him to get down on one knee to propose fifteen minutes after you meet. He's being snide, asking questions he shouldn't be asking right now, and trying to control you with criticism and guilt-tripping. I did OLD for several years. Intelligent people know who they are speaking with is very likely speaking with others on the site. Totally normal. Totally ethical. It'd be plain dumb to cut off all communication with those you've been conversing with to zero in on one person whom you've never even met yet. There is absolutely no reason you should've answered him the way you did. What would I would've said? "You have to expect everyone on the site is speaking to others until two people actively dating decide it's working well and to hide profiles." Though I'd answer in that way, I'd take note of the red flag of his question. One doesn't even need to ask that question at a later point. A person could just say, "I've really been enjoying your company, and don't really want to date anybody else. What would you think of us hiding our profiles to focus on each, and see if things continue to go well?" I think commitment is a beautiful thing if it's done because a person finds comfort and satisfaction in monogamy. If you're speaking of people who are sending mixed messages while being supposedly "committed," then that's an unhealthy issue and not the ideal of what true commitment entails. Anyway, that particular guy is a nightmare so I'd block him, ASAP. I know I refused first meets with scary prospects like this guy.
  2. People who know how to act appropriately in serious relationships know they have to make accommodations for the good of the relationship. A person has to evolve and change the activities he/she once engaged in as a single person. He could care less about losing you, because he would never be taking a co-ed trip without you that involves his ex-sex partner also being in attendance. He also would choose to not hang out in a group where a member was being mean to you, especially his ex, F buddy. No surprise he didn't change who he hangs out with, even as his gf is being treated like this. Even without the sex partner issue, most people would leave the group and make plans with individual friends or only attend smaller group outings when the toxic person wouldn't be there. Your self-worth is in the gutter since you didn't make a speedy exit the moment these red flags started slapping you in the face. You should've stayed broken up the first time. Be alone and work on your self-love or you will repeat the pattern of being a doormat that a player wipes his dirty boots all over.
  3. If you speak up with reasonable requests, a guy who truly cares will want to please you and improve. People can't read minds. If you bottle things up, either one day you will blow up and handle things in an unhealthy way, or you get to a point of wanting to break up because the straw has broken the camel's back, but it was unfair to him because you never voiced your concerns early on. Don't ever be afraid to speak up, discussing important matters. And don't be afraid to lose someone if he doesn't match your dating style. Usually young people go through many dating experiences while learning who to let go and who is a keeper. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  4. I imagine early on how he was nice as you were his emotional escape and it was fun for him to have intimacy with a new partner. Without you, he can never afford a place of his own and so it seems he dated someone he knew could provide what he sought. Neither of you had very much foresight. How you thought anyone with four kids could ever contribute a fair amount is unrealistic. And he lacked the foresight to know how the unfairness would create animosity on your end. Do yourself a favor in the future and don't date someone you're hoping will get his crap together one day. Date someone who is presently showing everything you want--not what his potential is. You also dated someone who wasn't even divorced, even if he claimed to be mentally done with her. A mature person doesn't start a new relationship before ending the one he's in, including legally. The mere fact that he's calling you nasty, which is verbal abuse, is enough to call this quits this second. You're teaching your children, even if you don't think they are observing this toxicity (they are), that this is normal and they might repeat a pattern of choosing and staying with an abusive partner themselves when they are adults. How will you feel when you see what you taught them comes to fruition?
  5. Perhaps when a person is a teen, say 16 or 17, and really not ready for the seriousness of a more adult-like relationship, that might be a normal, silly happening for someone so immature. When you're speaking of an adult who should know the major consequences of their actions, it's very telling about the person. She lacks the maturity, ethics, and caring for a partner needed for a satisfying relationship. If you decide to stay, know that once a discussion happens whereas you should've come to an understanding/consensus, that it's best to no longer bring the topic up. That doesn't serve anyone, and is harmful. If you want to let it go and have a wait-and-see attitude, go for it. Give yourself a timeline/deadline of your bad emotions lessening, and if that's impossible, free each other to start over with someone else.
  6. I'd tell him exactly what you're saying here. Something like, "I'm not comfortable with you making a major move to live closer to me since we just started dating. Let's wait and consider this after we've been together at least a year (or if you don't want to place a specific timeline on this, just say: longer). You can also tell him that for the time being, getting together on an occasional weeknight is working for you and you're not ready for anything more. Take note of his responses to you communicating this. If he tries to argue the point, trying to manipulate you with guilt, or anger, or pouting, etc., break it off. Be glad he showed you who he was before you invested more than 60 days.
  7. Obviously, you're willing to power through any obstacle. What you seem to be looking for is someone to say there's a high guarantee everything will work out exactly as you envision in this honeymoon stage, which is impossible for anyone to provide. Meeting up once a month for a day is more like what you would experience when meeting someone on a fun vacation--all enjoyment but without the full picture you'd experience with normal, local dating. I'd really make an attempt to find a ways and means to spend at least a week in her hometown. And I don't mean you should stay in her home (renting a hotel or air b&b for yourself), but being with her for longer than a day, throughout the week, perhaps you can gather relevant info about her. The type of people she hangs out with. How often she's receiving texts/calls on her phone, and if she seems to be hiding why her phone is always blowing up, or if it seems like normal activity. If she keeps a clean home. What she likes to do in her off time. If her family is overly involved and she lets them call the shots. If she's financially responsible. This is why LDRs are harder, because it takes 10 times longer or more to find out everything relevant you need to know about someone, and it's very costly. As long as you're willing to gamble all that extra time and money, go for it. Just be realistic and try to convert your fantasy life into reality because right now you're living in a one-dimensional situation.
  8. The ball is in her court. You did what you needed to do. Sounds like you've double texted or reached out multiple times instead of waiting a longer amount of time to see whether or not she responded in a reasonable amount of time. Hard to be patient when you're into someone. You don't know her, so it could go either way. Either her way is more slow paced with communication, or she's cowardly in telling you she's not interested in further dates and hoping you will get the hint without her saying so, so that all of this will fade away. If it were me, I would no longer reach out and have a personal timeline in my mind that if she hasn't reached out, in say, 5 days, I will move on. No further communication necessary because you weren't in a relationship.
  9. Not once have you considered that your behavior is the problem here, and he's likely had a lot more patience with you than most men would. Certainly, it's important to share with your spouse what you've gone through in your life, but when you're regularly bringing that up throughout the years, it's bringing him into that toxic world that you're apparently keeping alive with those conversations. IMO, people who lug around unhealthy emotional baggage cannot be a healthy partner to anyone. And if you really cared about him and he wants children, it'd be kinder to release him so he can find a partner who is clear she wants them. There are major things a couple should agree on, kids being one of them, that should be dealbreakers if there is incompatibility there. You being on the fence has no set deadline of resolving that, so you will be unfair if you expect him to take that risk. For yourself, and for you to one day be the best partner to someone as possible, do get therapy. You can also read books and articles on how to get rid of toxic baggage. I wish you the best for your healing journey.
  10. Sometimes it's good to picture yourself as an old man sitting on a porch in a rocking chair and considering your entire life. After a lifetime of having a wonderful companionship with a woman, where she's taken care of you whenever you've been sick, enjoyed her company during vacations, laying beside each other every night and enjoying countless meals together. Possibly bringing new life into the world together. Sharing the load of responsibility for chores and finances. Once you've imagined all that: Does this issue you're ruminating about matter in the least? If she knew you were feeling this way, she'd be regretting doing the deed which you're now resenting her for. Will it make you feel better to now, that you're not a virgin, be with a woman who has lost her virginity one time, as you have, so you totally match in that department? Will you be the one who should be resented if you have sex with a virgin, since you are not equally "pure"? Do you see how all of this sounds so ridiculous? If you are going to hold this against her, do her a huge favor and break up now so she doesn't get further invested with a man who is silently seething. She doesn't deserve to pay for a crime she never committed.
  11. With this statement, you act like you believe you'll be some kind of undercover person with a dangerous ulterior motive. I've heard interviews with numerous male rock stars who decided to play guitar and be singers and created or joined a band because it was a great way to meet and attract women. So what? Of course, you don't join a hobby or activity you really can't enjoy, but do think of joining clubs or starting hobbies you could enjoy. Reframe it as having several goals. To enjoy time with others versus being holed up in your room. It's not like you will find a mate in every social setting you attend, but you might make friends, either male or female in the process, plus enjoy the activity. When I was in community college, I tended to make more friends because of the physical education requirement courses. I took soccer, martial arts, and snow skiing (taught on an artificial grass slope). More time for interacting with classmates versus the few minutes before and after the professor's lecture. I joined the snow ski club and went on a ski trip by hired bus, and the president of the ski club had a very memorable Halloween party at his house. Great ways to have fun with everyone plus meet large groups of people. Briefly dated a few guys whom I met through these activities. Stop with your stifling thought processes of limiting your activities because you find it disingenuous. Many people have the goal of finding a partner and know they have to spread their nets wide to catch a keeper. And choose hobbies and interests you will stick to even when in a relationship. Don't give them up, nor ignore your friends because you want to spend every waking moment with a new love. People who have a healthy balance of time spent on various interests and time with friends, besides having a love life, are more attractive to a partner than someone who isolates themselves. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  12. The way you're wording things is the opposite of how it should be. He's the adult, so if he'd been a decent parent, there would be no bouncing. He's in charge of the dynamic. Hard to know anything from this post except that he's a bad father, and we don't even know if these kids are young or adults. I'm assuming you dated a few years before marriage, so if you didn't like an unmeshed life with him, why did you agree to marry? He probably wants you out of it because knowing more would prove he's a bad parent. You being barred from family events could mean he's a polygamist for all you know. It's happened to women. Not wanting to know about your children is probably because he doesn't flat out care. Only you know the percentage of time you are satisfied with the marriage versus unsatisfied. Whether or not his good traits, if any, are worth your anxiety. Perhaps you're a passive person with poor self-esteem and you've allowed life to happen to you without standards. Maybe now, you're getting a wake-up call and coming down from Cloud 9 to realize your life stinks. Only you can decide what to do now.
  13. IMO, you left the ball in her court. I'd leave it there for her to lob back or not. Doesn't seem promising.
  14. Ever hear of delayed gratification? It's what you should be doing versus what you're doing now. You're like a childish person who wants candy, and demands it now, and a whole bag of it, not caring that's it's unhealthy to eat that much and now you're too full for healthy things that will nourish your body. Time to learn a better way, because this way isn't working for you. Delayed gratification would be to go without male companionship for the moment, either romantic or sexual. Achieve self-worth in any way you can--reading books and articles. Therapy if needed. Build a fulfilling life in other areas that don't involve romance and sex. That can come later after you've build a firm foundation of self-love and passion for other things besides men. When you do all that, you will appear so much more appealing to DECENT men when your life doesn't revolve solely around them, and that you have confidence and standards. Maturity involves delayed gratification. Work toward that. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  15. No, it's not okay. When someone lugs around toxic emotional baggage, the partner is being punished for a crime he/she never committed. IMO, people who haven't ditched emotional baggage are not ready to be in a relationship. It's not fair nor healthy to anybody to be subjected to that. You're overlooking what should be a dealbreaker flaw because at your age, perhaps you don't know any better, and her attractiveness apparently overrides something that should be a major issue in your mind. In her VERY recent past, she has handled problems in toxic ways, including alcohol, sex in a way that's reactive instead of the normal good reasons one has it, and by lying. Most people don't change on a dime in one major way, let alone three. Stick around if you so choose, whether to accept all of this with eyes wide open, or to have a set timeline to wait and see if she is a brand new woman who has learned from past mistakes. Everyone has flaws, but please begin learning that there are huge differences between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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