Andrina

Since I did OLD for several years after my first marriage ended, I learned that all that talk before meeting wasn't worth any weight compared to physically meeting a person. Not that I talked to any of them more than a few weeks, but even in that time I liked their photos, their e-mails and texts, and a few phone calls that left me feeling excited and telling myself foolish things like certain coincidences made it essentially fate that we should meet (like the both of us owning beagles.) The majority of the time, everything fell apart upon the actual meeting, with one or both of us not feeling the chemistry. Or, their personality turned offensive or they showed their craziness, or they'd lied about particulars. In many cases, it's family that ties us to a place. Otherwise, a person might be compelled to move anywhere else appealing. You're saying you'd like to be there for your grandkids and mother because they need you and you love them and you're willing to help. They are permanent in your life and that's not changing. Whereas, this man, practically a stranger for all intents and purposes, is one among countless many who could be candidates for dating. I believe you do him a disservice by continuing to talk to him when you found out that you and he had different goals. Basically that he wanted romance and you wanted a compassionate, listening ear. That was basically using him and not freeing him to find that romance he's seeking. Not to say he's definitely some great guy who's a catch, since if he's good looking and has a nice personality, why hasn't he been successful in the dating world locally? He might have things to temporarily hide being long distance. Anyway, you might now think of this as a turning point where you now see that male attention and a listening ear feels pretty good and that you're willing to give dating a go. In your shoes, I'd then attempt local dating and tell the former school mate you decided you're not uprooting and that for the both of your sakes, that you two will have to go no contact. In doing this, you can have the best of both worlds. Keeping the family dynamic and responsibilities as is, and dating someone locally for the next chapter in your life. Believe me when I say that if you think you'll meet the next major love of your life on the first try dating someone, that would be quite miraculous, even with the former classmate. It takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure, so keep your expectations realistic. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I'm guessing you moved in with him very quickly into the relationship and didn't know him well enough before making this big step. If he had any sense and valued your relationship, he would've ensured you and his best friend had plenty of time together so that you could reach a comfort level that he and she had a normal, platonic friendship. If I was the best friend and saw my friend had no sense in the situation, I would've insisted on spending time with you, even one on one, to assure you that I championed your relationship with my best bud, and that I'm so happy he found a great partner. As the best friend, if I had money to burn but not enough to invite you, there'd be no inviting of anybody. That's totally out of line. And 8 year olds can understand circumstances. An explanation of how Dad is out of work and there would be no vacation, but an alternative lesser expensive local activity would be done in place of that. I wouldn't even bother with any discussion on the topic. If he has no common sense nor caring for how you feel about something like this, which is so blatantly wrong, he wouldn't be worth any more of my precious time.

If everything was not refundable and I was the person who all of a sudden couldn't attend, I would have suggested she take someone else and since it was short notice, that other person could go on my dime. For other instances, if there were a longer amount of time and the person had a large group of friends to ask if they wanted to go and take over the expenses, that would've been a more ideal situation, but that wasn't the case in this situation. On her end, she was trying to think on the fly about solutions to the problem which was self-centered and annoyed you, so she was in the wrong there. She was probably annoyed at you for not mentioning that she'd be losing out on non-refundable expenses, and also about not offering your share for free to another. So there was no priority in communication after the fact. Certainly, it's the case for all of us where friends, family, spouse's act in ways that greatly upset us. Only you can decide if one particular act is so egregious that cutting off the relationship is the only way you want to proceed. Or, see if time cools things off, where you can each have a discussion to clear the air and move on. I know I set up boundaries with a friend that I would no longer meet her in places because she was not a timely person. But if she invited me to her house, that wasn't an issue because I knew she'd be there. And if I invited her to my house for a party, I wouldn't care if she was late because there were other people to interact with and her timely presence was irrelevant. During that time period, I felt that the good outweighed the bad. So for your friend, if you end up not wanting to ultimately sever the friendship, I'd no longer make non-refundable cost plans with her, but spend the time as we normally would.

What you know of drug use is that it's horrible and stressful for you to have a partner engaging in that. At your young age, and having a lack of even further life experience, that's only the tip of the iceberg. You might not have even though of how his maturing brain will be forever halted and altered in some ways. Many jobs have random drug tests for employees, so he'd always have a high risk of being fired or be very limed in careers where a business doesn't perform that drug test. If you eventually want children, you'd have to worry if the child accidentally ingest drugs in the house, and that if a child had to be picked up early from school, that your partner would either pick up the child impaired or that task would forever be yours. You would also risk a drug-using partner being put in jail, halving your finances if you lived together or were married. Money used on drugs will also put a dent in funds. Forget that nice vacation or eating out at restaurants as often or not at all while he giggles and then vomits like an idiot. What fun. No need to confront him. Tell him the relationship isn't working for you and go no contact.

Sounds like you're busy with that right now, so don't fret about not wanting to date at the moment. It's not the right time. If you don't have a close knit group of people you hang out with, or even if you do, you might want to expand to Meetup.com groups to find more happiness in just friendships for now. And I don't mean groups for singles. I just mean people who meet for fun activities like attending festivals, hiking, kayaking, bicycling, etc. Especially if you're lacking in conversational skills with women--not just as prospective dates but solely a pleasant and interesting person to talk to. Perhaps if you can have enriching conversations with women in a platonic situation, you will feel more comfortable and confident that there are plenty of non-toxic women in the world and you won't be so afraid of them.

Since you're chatting with a uni guy, I'm assuming you're either in your late teens or early twenties. So why hasn't dating locally worked out for you? Sounds like you're meeting men online, long distance, when this is the time in your life you should be meeting loads of single guys your age. So is Guy B doing all this traveling to you, meeting your family, without discussing being exclusive with you? Or, are you going behind his back by communicating romantically with other guys? I only know that if I was really into a guy, I had no interest in communicating with other guys, and I'd find it ethically in poor taste to do that after being intimate with a guy. But I know others might feel and act differently. As said, since you don't mind risking Guy B finding out about Guy A, you're likely not that into Guy B. Also, as said, don't jump the gun in fantasizing about a future with someone you've never met. Some catfishers play games like telling someone they will soon move to a person's area for work or school and then that never happens. Something supposedly comes up and the person claims a delay has to happen in moving. I also think it's a red flag and just not a good idea to start discussing sex before you're even dating. Why are you getting ahead of yourself and putting the cart before the horse? Don't know how long you've been talking to Guy A, but with my past experiences, if it was going to go beyond 2 weeks, I would've told the guy, "Okay, just contact me when you arrive in my town. For now, I'd rather not be in contact daily until we're able to meet."

Well, are you reaching out to him a lot more than he initiates contact? I'm just guessing if that's the case that you overdo it, and it ends up annoying him or he tries to get some space, if that's what you mean by him acting like you're nothing. Besides studying and family, what do you do in your leisure time? Do you have any close friends that you hang out with? Do you belong to any university clubs? Do you have study groups with classmates? Basically, when two different people have two different relationship goals, it'll never work, as you're finding out. You are unfulfilled because he doesn't feel the same, and you are pouring a lot of time and emotional energy into him whereas you need to start redirecting for your own good. The friendship needs to fade to a point where you no longer have this deep crush, and if that can't happen, the friendship will have to end altogether. Stop initiating less often. Start thinking of him as a buddy. Shorten the conversations. See if that helps you move on, and if you don't have local friends, begin activities to develop friendships. Feel good about taking those first steps to emotional freedom from a dead end. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You take a 6 hour round trip and he can't even be bothered with picking you up from the station or dropping you off? That alone should have you exiting the relationship immediately. He keeps getting worse and worse to make you do the deed of breaking up, saving himself from drama, pleading, etc. if he was the one to break up. Don't know why you'd want to stay after being treated so poorly. Going on 3 years, he probably realizes it would be close to getting to the point where he'd be expected to propose marriage, and he's just not that into you to go to that length. In moving forward, really think about if you want to enter another relationship where it has to be kept secret from a family member. Ultimately, everyone will find out if it ends in marriage. You've had a starter relationship where lessons will be learned. Time to decide, after you've mourned the end of this relationship and get to the healing stage, a more successful way to date.

Please let your brain override your heart right now and block him. This will allow many things. A quicker closure. No way for the jerk to contact you in a weak moment when you'll make a very wrong decision of giving him access to you once again. And to let one day build into weeks and months until you have so much distance and time away from him that you'll pat yourself on the back that you made the right decision, albeit not soon enough. As said, be alone to work on your self-love or you're bound to keep repeating mistakes like him. Take care.

I'm curious. Since his family was just recently visiting for the ceremony, did you get to meet them all, or did he make excuses that you shouldn't meet them? If you didn't meet them, he might be hiding even more that you haven't figured out. You mentioned texting and video messages for discussing important matters. Never do that. Save ultra important discussions for in person. If you decide to continue on, once everyone's said everything needed saying, and you've come to a consensus you're both comfortable with moving on, since this is your first relationship, you might need to know that the matter should be put to rest and not be brought up again. I learned that with my first marriage when we went to counseling--not to keep rehashing past arguments. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Think about if you actually like it when your gf gets jealous, and if you're baiting her with what you've said in conversation with other females. I don't bore my husband with minutiae of my day when it comes to what I said to co-workers, relatives, or friends unless I'm positive it will interest him. Often not, since what I found funny or interesting with, say, a co-worker won't translate in the same way because of private jokes, or business stuff that wouldn't interest someone not in that business, etc. Basically a case of "you had to be there." Not knowing about what your overall relationship is like, just start noting if the same problem keeps arising that never is resolved. If you're upset more than satisfied. If you have to walk on eggshells all the time. If you're part of the problem and changing your behavior improves things. You can always read books together on how to better communicate and behave as a couple, or decide you're like oil and water and will never be good together.

Two wrongs can never be right. He should only be dating if the woman is happy with very minimal time and contact and his terms. With what I've quoted of yours, would you ever want a guy around even one more second of your life if he was the one saying those things? It doesn't make any sense for you to throw up your hands and say, "Oh, well. We're two messed up people who probably nobody else except other toxic people will put up with, so he's better than nothing." How about being alone and directing all your focus on doing that work on yourself you say is crucial? Isn't it better to spend the present on that, which will ultimately get you more quickly to a good place of meeting your ultimate goal? To meet a decent guy who wants everything you want in life? You're wasting time you can't get back.

Then why are you clinging to someone who hasn't been meeting your needs for more than half a year? It's rude of him to be on his phone a lot when that's supposed to be quality time together. If someone stopped telling me he loved me for half a year when he used to, I'd have to assume he no longer loves me. He's also rude to place all responsibility of what new things you can do on dates onto your head. Know that when a woman has sex with a man, the hormones released make her want to bond with a man, even if he's wrong for her. I hope you have some self-worth in that you won't stick it out just because you love a guy, when his treatment of you isn't what you want from a bf. But if you want to try a discussion to see if he cares enough to please you in your reasonable requests, tell him you want the phone put away when you're on dates. Ask him what the reason is he no longer says he loves you. Tell him you will take turns deciding what the next date will be. Discuss again relationship boundaries and make sure you're both on the same page. At some point, just doing things as a couple can get boring. Do you two have couple friends or group friends? Sometimes it's fun to invite friends over to play cards or a game and to serve appetizers. Anyhow, perhaps a good discussion will help you get insight about what's going on with him. Sounds to me like he's too cowardly to break up with you and that he hopes you'll tire of his poor behavior and whining and do the deed yourself. Let us know how it goes.

We're all learning life lessons as we go along. The lesson with what you went through should be that as soon as you see a dealbreaker, end it. If you are trying to wait around, hoping for a major change, then you're in the wrong relationship. If you don't have time to date for 5 years, then so be it. You'll be 29 when you graduate, can move to where your career takes you, and then you'll have about a decade left of child bearing years to go on to your next goal of finding a lifetime partner. I did OLD after my first marriage ended, and yes, it's sifting through a LOT of sand before finding the treasure. So expect it's like taking on a part time job to find the special one for you. I did meet my husband on OLD, but just before that discovered Meetup.com groups. I'd try that when you decide to date as a less stressful way to meet guys, plus volunteering at something fun like a zoo or museum or whatever interests you. Or joining a co-ed sports team. Try not to bring assumptions about what you've heard from a handful of people into your dating situations. Yes, there's plenty of jerks in the world but also plenty of guys who want the same things as you. Take a wait-and-see attitude, time will reveal all philosophy and with the life experience you already have tucked under your belt, you will be better equipped to know when to stay and when to go. Good luck.

Sure would be nice to have the distraction of new, female companionship to soothe your stress. Frankly, though, IMO it's not fair for any woman to be dating you right now, revelation or not. She doesn't need to be drawn into this drama and have to be listening to all that toxic stuff going on in your life. It's also not fair to your child, who needs your full attention right now without you being distracted by dating. Believe me, since I was divorced and did OLD myself, it's full of frustration, upsets, crazy people, and a lot of failures until or if you are successful. It'd be a miracle if you were successful at the very first try. And not only should you not introduce your child to any woman you're dating on the first date, this should not even be done well, well past the honeymoon stage, which takes 4 to 6 months, where both parties are confident this will become a serious, longterm relationship. A child doesn't need to become attached to a lady who quickly parades out of his life. In the time period you're in now, I'd put others well-being before your own desire for romance and wait to date for a more opportune time. That time will be after the divorce is final and you and your ex are co-parenting in a pleasant manner. That might take going to a mediator to each learn how to co-parent in the best interest of the child. When things are rolling along smoothly, you'll then be a prime candidate as a dating prospect and you'll know your schedule for when you'll have your time with your child. In that way, you can know the days you'll be free to devote to a new lady. Nobody will then be subject to the disarray your life and emotions are at the moment. Delaying gratification is hard, but you'll attract, and be attracted to, more mentally healthy prospects when your life has calmed down. Take care.