Dandelionspring

I just blocked him. Even though he probably will forget all about me. Working on myself.

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again. And I have no doubt he has a bunch of other women. He’s a sleeze bag.

I haven’t contacted him for 2 whole days.

I didn’t text him all day for the first time. He didn’t text me either. What a shock.

You all are right. I’m just starting to get it.

The weight is just a symptom. But yes it doesn’t help and is just another reason. But my mental state is the main thing.

That’s fair. Actually I was in love with a hot mess but that did not work out. so yeah it’s true. A healthy person would want another healthy person. I guess a healthy guy would still love me if I had bad breath or gained ten pounds or had a bad day. but a healthy guy would leave me if I was emotionally abusive or refused to be healthy or something. I guess that’s reasonable. So I guess I should lose weight and stop being depressed and doing nothing. Because I guess a healthy guy wouldn’t want that. Which explains why I’m single.

Yeah. I guess I’m trying to control everything. He has made everything clear to me and I do continue to try to manipulate the situation. I really don’t understand why he saw me again and wouldn’t have sex with me. That confuses me. And some other stuff confuses me but that’s just called being human and I guess I’ll never know what exactly was going on in his head. J don’t even know what’s going on in my head. To be honest I will admit that I think there are healthy relationships in this world. I will also admit that I might be capable of having one although I am lazy and reluctant and scared to. To be honest I am just scared that I will be alone forever. And I think I need to have faith that I will meet someone someday. in the meantime I will work on myself. I am working on my issues. Reading books and talking to people. I also have to get my life and my finances together because they are a hot mess and I am a hot mess. I want to be loved unconditionally though. Even if I am a hot mess. But the reality is no one wants a hot mess. but I hope someday I can find someone who loves me unconditionally. Even when I’m imperfect. so it’s just weird to me. It’s weird that I know that if I don’t lose weight and get better, no one will give me the time of day. And that makes me not want a relationship because then it makes me realize it’s just BS. If I lose the weight and get my stuff together I’ll find a guy. But I know he won’t love me unconditionally. It’s like a business arrangement. So why bother being with someone that doesn’t really love you? It isn’t love. so that’s where I’m at. If it weren’t for the fact that I wanted sex and affection I probably wouldn’t bother at all.

He sent me a particularly cold text tonight. I guess he wants me to know he doesn’t feel that way about me. The last booty call had weird mixed messages but I guess he wants to make his feelings clear with me. Maybe he doesn’t wanna lead me on and things of that nature. Ice cream calls.

Facts

So last night we met up and I spent the night. The cuddling was better than ever. I know he enjoyed it. He didn’t even want me to leave right away in the morning and talked about me coming over again when he had more time to cuddle… BUT It was weird because he actually didn’t wanna have sex. I even let him know I wanted to , but no he just didn’t do it. He said it was because he was tired. I don’t know what to make of it.

Well it’s obvious to me that those are prime nights regardless but I don’t know if he’s in a relationship or married. I guess he could be. But either way, I’m not his priority.

Deep issues that go way back I guess. And then being in situations like this doesn’t help. Kind of a never ending circle.

I know. I have issues. I constantly am in these sort of situationships. I don’t have self worth, I am not outgoing , etc. I could go on and on. I’m working on it. In the meantime, sadly, he’s the best situationship I have at the moment.

Ok that’s fair. But I have never had a guy be this polite toward me. I have been in situations like this before and they generally ignore me and treat me much less nice. Maybe he is good at what he does.