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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. Your entire thread reeks of your low self-worth. That's why you allowed yourself to enter into an emotional affair with a cheater. It doesn't matter if he had the worst wife on the planet. The fact that he started a romance with you, even if it was conversation only, without achieving a divorce first, shows his poor ethics and lack of boundaries. Even if he had been freshly divorced, he should have been concentrating on his children and getting them used to a new way of life instead of soothing his ego with you. I imagine if his wife had a voice in this, she'd be saying he's the toxic one. I'd cut all contact with him. Stay alone until you build up your self worth by reading books and articles on the best practices to do this. When you have a healthy self-worth, you will only accept decent men who have their lives together. You're far from this, as you see him as some prize where we can all see he's the opposite.
  2. This seems to confirm what I originally thought. She's just not that into you. She might think you're attractive and fun to be with, but that all important spark isn't there. I've been in similar situations before, where there initially seemed to be chemistry between me and a guy, and there would be flirting, and the guy seeking me out to talk. But then nothing ever took off. When they are wishy-washy like this, they like the ego boost and the fun of flirting, but when it gets down to developing something that will lead to regular dating and hoping to build something nice, they press the emergency stop button. It's my guess that even if she had a whole year without a man in her life, she still wouldn't be good dating material for you. A few of those guys I wanted more from, I later learned unsavory things about. Now that I'm happily married, I'm so glad my guardian angel was at work doing right by me. Sometimes you just have to trust fate has someone better in store. Someone who will be crystal clear how crazy she is about you. Take care.
  3. Exchanging books at work is not romantic. I've given books I've read to co-workers of both genders at work who I know are readers, and some have given me books. It's just a shared interest. If you don't have a used book you'd think she'd like, it'd be acceptable to just acknowledge her kindness with something simple like other's have said. If you know she likes a particular type of coffee and you're stopping to get yourself one, pick her one up as well.
  4. I know full well how depression can make the person view things falsely. My first husband suffered from depression. It's like they are living in an alternate universe where they perceive negativity, usually mostly from their partner, where there is none. Not until I seriously said I wanted a divorce, in a calm discussion when we weren't fighting, did he take me seriously. I told him I was no longer going to live like that anymore. He went to the psychiatrist and went on meds for 2 years and it was wonderful. After that successful period, he decided to go off the meds and got worse than before, and I eventually divorced him. I have a feeling if your husband was pressed to do the same or lose you, since he couldn't even continue to attend more than 1 counseling session with you, that he'd stop treatment at some point, too. He won't help himself, so no, you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness to stay with someone abusive. You say you've been together 11 years and he's your 4th serious relationship, yet you were likely, what, 18 or 19 when you began dating him? It's time for you to find out who you are solo without a man. Take time to gain happiness without a man. Ironically, only then will you be prepared to make a wiser decision as a more mature adult, for choosing a decent future partner.
  5. I would have expected someone I was exclusive with to keep me in the loop as to why he'd often be incommunicado for a certain time period--that he had relatives visiting from this date to that date. And even if relatives were visiting, if it were me, I'd at least excuse myself for 10 minutes to make a call to communicate to my partner once a day. Your standards are very low if this is the type of negligence you accept when exclusive with someone.
  6. If you don't like how he acts as you think an exclusive partner should, then why continue dating him? If a guy I'd been dating several months and we shared intimacy so many times didn't want to hear my voice once a day, I'd figure he just wasn't that in to me. Your self esteem is lacking if all you're thinking of is things that are wrong with you and that you fear doing things that will further "annoy" him. Not once have you said that he doesn't meet YOUR needs. The point of dating is to keep the ones who do and release the ones who don't. I wouldn't even have a discussion of your wants at this point. If a guy doesn't care to talk to you daily with how long you two have been together, then it means he really doesn't care. Of course, there are extremely independent people out there who don't want to enmesh themselves with another like this. But like should date like in these cases. People with a 20 year or more age gap relationship have a 95 percent failure rate. Why would you want to date someone in such a far different age stage than you? He's likely moving into retirement years and you have another 30 years to work. You want to be with a guy whereas you may have to nurse him through his elderly health problems, just as one often does with their own parents? Driving him to medical appointments when he has to hang up the car keys? Be realistic here about what it means to date someone his age. He's not good bf material anyway.
  7. Even if she's faithful, she's no prize girlfriend. Why do you choose to stay with someone who treats you with neglect and disrespect? Are you not worthy of a decent partner?
  8. Look at who you're with and that's what you think you deserve. So subconsciously, you believe you deserve breadcrumbs. You believe you're not worthy of someone who meets every one of your major needs. Of course you can get out of this situation. Stop being a passive participant, which is what you're doing, by letting yourself get reeled in when he reaches out to request the use of your body. Block his number. You're not in the right mindset to be with any man right now. You have a lot of work to do on your self worth before you're ready to date. Read books and articles on how to achieve this. Concentrate, in the mean time, on your studies, girlfriends, club/hobbies/interests. Your future self will thank you when you have the wisdom, self-love, and control over recognizing who are the keepers and who should be cut off at the first red flag.
  9. If you insist on still going, and you're on their Facebook Group, I'd tell the group of 15 what each person owes for their headgear and their portion due for the balloons.
  10. Since she's an adult and takes her family's opinion in to consideration about relationships, don't think her allowing their input and interference would end when she tells them she's serious about someone. That red flag, along with constantly needing breaks, shows you so much, and yet you fear you'd be weak and take her back if she desires. Why do you have so many of her belongings after only being together physically for 90 days? I'm assuming you two became way too immersed in such a short time. Do you have a fulfilling life outside of having a gf? This is a learning experience so learn from it and be more mindful of red flags when dating in the future. After you give her back her belongings, block her number so you won't take her back in a dry spell or weak moment.
  11. You've already seen a pattern. As Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you think she'll magically change to someone who sticks around forever just because you marry and have kids, you're naive. IMO, when one or both take breaks instead of working together on issues, there isn't enough love there. You have to know that walking away might mean forever, and if a person is willing to risk that, he/she plain doesn't care enough.
  12. Don't assume people are blind to your behavior, even in a big crowd. People talk. People have eyes. If you begin telling her you're interested and she rejects wanting to start something with you, and then you jump to flirting with someone else there, the women are going to be turned off that you're merely using this convention opportunity to chase anyone who will take the bait. A woman likes to feel like that special someone who happened to catch your eye, and not second fiddle because number 1 rejected you. Why are you seeking out the hardest way to date--women who live a distance from you? Dating locally is the best way to go unless you live in such a small community that the pickings are slim.
  13. I only know that once, I failed to get a text from my daughter, even though it showed on her screen, and if two people sent texts close together, I saw one text and failed to see the one from the other person until happening upon it later. It happens. I'd probably give it one more shot by actually calling and leaving a voicemail if she doesn't pick up. Of course, then be done if she still doesn't get back to you. I've been on dates that seemed to go well, too, and assumed I'd be asked out again and it didn't happen. One never knows what's going on in another's head, and actions always speak louder than words. You usually have to date a boatload of people before finding a good match. Good luck.
  14. How is your life fulfilling besides having a girlfriend? If you have close guy friends you hang out with and a hobby/interest you regularly participate in, breakups won't be as devastating if you have happiness in other parts of your life. If you don't, work on achieving that in your life before dating again. It's too smothering to a woman for her to be the sole reason of your happiness. You'll also be a lot more attractive to a partner when you have a life outside of her, since you will be a well-rounded person and have interesting topics to talk about. And you do have control over keeping your ex in the past. I'm sure you thoroughly examined her profile and all her pics on the dating site, whereas when you spotted it, you should have quickly clicked off of it. Good luck in moving forward.
  15. What you see is what you should expect not to change. Daily life is stressful enough. I wouldn't add to that by having to deal with a partner who pours some of his emotional energy and time into an ex. Like Lostandhurt, I find it odd he invited you, a new love interest to the event, but didn't care or consider what you'd think by inviting an ex and calling her cutesy names and dredging up his wonderful memories with her. I'd say he's just not that into you to do this, and like you fear, you're probably someone it'll be fun to be with for a time and if you don't like how he operates, oh well. You were a placeholder, and another will soon come along. Hell no.
  16. Why did you begin an LDR? How many times have you physically seen each other? What's been his longest relationship? With what I highlighted, I think it'd be a big mistake to move in with him when you're walking on eggshells, terrified of communicating what's on your mind. You two aren't to that serious point yet, or maybe never will be, when you can't discuss these sorts of things of major importance. When you feel as though your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, it is. And why are you bringing up who said what in past relationships? It doesn't matter. What matters is what matters to you in the present, so stop playing games of trying to eek out answers by bringing how long it took everybody to say ILY in past relationships. Who decided it was a good idea to move in with him? Who brought it up first? For one thing, I'd be honest with him and tell him you're not comfortable moving in with him when he hasn't expressed that he loves you, and then listen to his response. I know that when a friend expressed to me and my bf at the time that her bf never said he loved her after a year and a half. They'd broken up once, because she found that he was still in contact with a few exes. My bf told her, "He hasn't said he loves you because he doesn't." They bought a house together, when we told her she shouldn't since he hadn't said he loved her. She found out that again he contacted exes and she had to buy out the house from him. Just giving one example of one instance where a guy said he didn't love a woman after many years together, and he clearly didn't seeing his behavior. If you do move his way, I'd advise not moving in with him right away. I'd get my own place and date locally for at least 6 months, because going from hardly ever seeing each other to being together 24/7 will be too much, too soon, and smothering. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  17. That's junior high behavior. You don't say those things before you've even been on a date. Asking someone to join you for coffee or whatever type of outing, is showing an interest versus telling, and more adult-like. If you mean that you're all long distance and can only see each other at a convention, I wouldn't even bother thinking of her as dating material. Starting a long distance relationship is high risk when you haven't begun locally. Too many cons to LDRs. Otherwise, don't say anything and see if you two share chemistry in person. Are you the type who can read a woman's interest, or are you oblivious to signals or lack of them? Have you had any success dating locally? What's your dating history? How old are you and what is your goal for a relationship? Short term or long term?
  18. My ex-husband wasn't bipolar but suffered from depression which he expressed in anger, and perceiving things falsely, as in saying I was giving him a dirty look when I had happy thoughts and wasn't even thinking of him, and taking offense at things said that would roll off another's back. I know what walking on eggshells feels like very well. I married too young to make a good decision. Knowing what I know now, I always give the advice of not dating someone who has shown signs they won't manage their illness for a lifetime. He only got on meds and psychiatric care when I threatened divorce. After a few years he got off the meds and became worse and I eventually divorced him. Your partner has shown the behavior of going off meds. Even is she's on them now, you have to assume she will repeat the pattern of going off again, since she did at least once before. Perhaps she's already gone off the meds since you don't see much improvement. No, I wouldn't sacrifice my well being and only shot at a happy life on such a high risk person. In these cases, the good never outweighs the bad.
  19. Hard to go from 3 years of communication to zero communication. You talked here and there so think of that as a temporary stage where you got used to a lot less communication. Now it's time to rip the entire band-aid off and block his phone number. Being friends won't be conducive to future romances. He was your first major love, but not your lifelong love. Enjoy some time being single for a while. I wished I'd done that at your age before becoming serious with someone so young. I would've made a wiser decision for my first marriage if I'd had more dating experiences well throughout my twenties. My first marriage ended in divorce. Luckily I was older and wiser the second time around and made the right decision. Just celebrated our 10 anniversary. Take care.
  20. This type of boyfriend is all you know. I think with time you'll realize he did you a favor by breaking up, because you haven't had enough dating experiences to know a happy relationship involves so much more than caring about someone. Can I ask if you have a fulfilling life besides having a bf? Even if you're a homebody and introvert, make sure you have hobbies and interests outside of having a bf, and also enjoy friendships with girlfriends. If you don't, it will become smothering to your partner. One thing you assumed and hoped for is that a person might be going through a youthful and temporary stage. It could be true, but never count on that when deciding to continue dating someone. It's too high risk. Best to think that what you see is what you get and not hope for change. Only be in a relationship when you don't want the person to change in a major way. Most people aren't okay with their partners going out drinking several nights a week and coming home at 3 a.m. If that's their hobby and addiction, leave them to that toxic life. Take this time solo to really think about what type of man you want for a lifetime partner. Write down the traits that are must-haves and traits that are dealbreakers to make it more clear for yourself. One day when you're ready to date again, stick to that list for your own good. Pamper yourself now as you enter another stage of your life. It'll take a while to get through every needed stage, so be realistic about this. Going no contact with him will help you get closure sooner than if you stayed friends. Take care.
  21. If you haven't called him out on his "insecurity" and said, "That's a really crass thing to say and I don't find it funny." Then you're sending him the message that your self-worth is so low that he can speak to you like you're a low-life, or that he can question you on things that are none of his business at this point, and that you'll stick around for more of the same.
  22. So what do you find appealing about his personality then, if he's making inappropriate statements like this?
  23. Who did he say he is on vacation with? Or did he say it's a solo trip? You were gone 3 weeks and he'll be gone a week, so how many times have you seen each other in person--3 or 4 times? Sometimes comments like loving you and wanting to marry you this early on means he wants to find a speedy way to get a naive woman in bed. Don't know if you've been intimate or not yet, but something to be aware of. For one thing, nobody like dishonesty. But you shouldn't bring emotional baggage from your past to ruin new relationships. Take each new relationship as a separate entity, observing and analyzing each partnership as any emotionally healthy person would and should. There's a possibility he's with a woman and a possibility he's not. You can either assume he is and dump him now, or keep dating him with a wait-and-see attitude. But if you haven't slept with him yet, I'd hold off on that until you feel confident he's good partner material.
  24. Don't do this. It will prevent you from getting closure. Your brain is on overdrive right now, which is normal. But don't prolong that stage by keeping him on your mind by going through all your old conversations, which will bring him front and center in your mind, when he chose to no longer be in your life. It normally took me 4 to 6 months to get over a breakup when I practiced no communication with a guy and deleted old photos and messages and his number. I suggest you do this so that you can get to the healing and moving on stage without prolonging that process. Take care.
  25. Before totally throwing in the towel, try some of these things first: Tell him you'll be planning this week's date night, and the next week it will be his turn, and it'll make you happy to keep this routine. Go on Cosmopolitan magazine online which has particular positions to try in bed and point out a few you'd like to try. Give him a choice of which role playing scenario you've come up with: give him 2 or 3 ideas. If possible, dress or the occasion. Take a trip to a couples store and pick up some products and toys. If he balks or makes excuses, explain that you two need to work at keeping your intimacy time exciting. You could also tell him you want to extend the session to forty-five minutes or whatever is your goal. You can also ask for what you need. As long as you phrase it in "i" sentences instead of "you never," who can argue with that? You could say, "I'd love it if we can hold hands while out shopping." "Can you rub my back? Oh, that feels wonderful. You have magic hands." Funnily enough, you train people just like you do with animals. Positive reinforcement when they do something to please you, even if you've asked for it. Smiles. Words of praise. And perhaps he will start doing things to please you without you asking. If you've asked for reasonable things and a person doesn't care, he will do nothing to improve. You can then say you tried everything before totally giving up and can walk away more easily, knowing you, at least, put in effort before making that final decision. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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