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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. When Carrie Fisher was young and filming Star Wars and having an affair with Harrison Ford, George Lucas said to her, "Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself." She was with a cheater who took advantage of a 19 year old. She admitted she lacked self-love. You're the common denominator, and it's not merely bad luck. Stay alone and work on your self esteem. Even when you think it's boosted, work even longer, since you might think you're practicing self-love, but you still not be ready. I know that happened to me, and only in hind sight after another bad relationship I realized I still had more achieving to do. Look back and see what red flags you missed since there had to be some. And think back on the point where you should've cut off things far sooner than you did to prevent further abuse. When you've learned from these experiences and have worked on your self-worth, I predict you will have far better luck in the romance department. Take care.
  2. Being "friends" didn't work, so don't. I've never once kept an ex as a friend. I think it would be harmful for my present relationship to keep contact with an ex, and frankly, have no interest. Take this as a signal it's time to have total closure. Block his number.
  3. Well, none of your past relationships spelled forever, did they? So obviously the styles of texting were irrelevant. After you making all the effort at the beginning, it's great that she has now reciprocated with asking you out. If the momentum continues with each of you putting forth effort in get togethers, you might see that the good outweighs what you see as bad (texting). And when you feel more comfortable she sees you as longterm and you two take it to the next level, that you relax about the texting. Think about what's really important: faithfulness, kindness, matching life goals. Those are must haves. For other minor stuff, you have to let those things go. Just like as it irks me that my husband absolutely refuses to wear a belt and sometimes his crack shows, LOL. And I hate the way he drives. His good points outweigh the minor BS. I'm no picnic in certain areas either, but am certainly a great partner. Good luck.
  4. Without other knowledge about your relationship, it could be anything. Maybe she realized during the pregnancy she wanted out of the marriage, but now has to wait until she's able to better extricate herself with a new baby. Or maybe she has unnatural fears about her body with pregnancy and beyond. Have you ever had discussions about the state of your marriage. If there is anything she wants improved? What is the division of chores? Is your household financially stable? What do you do fun together as a couple in your leisure time? I'd ask what she needs from you. Establish or improve an emotional connection by giving her back rubs and/or foot rubs without the expectation of sex. Make sure she has some solo time to herself where you take care of the baby and handle particular chores. If it's penetration she fears, start with oral only until the day she says she's ready. If you can't properly have mature discussions as a couple to resolve issues, seek out a professional therapist to help.
  5. Besides all the other advice, keep a fulfilling life besides having a boyfriend. Carve out time with girlfriends and hobbies/interests. Have a healthy balance of time spent on all of your priorities.
  6. Like a few others mentioned, the best way to change another is to change yourself. Respond differently than you ever have before. Take them by surprise. Upset the constant, familiar loop. Worth a try. I've never read one good thing about owning a time share. I wouldn't buy it. Here's one excerpt from an article: Many people think that buying a timeshare is a great deal, saving them money over booking a hotel room. In fact, in many cases, if you factor in the additional costs that come with timeshares, like special assessments, maintenance fees, taxes, and the like, you'll find that renting a room in a similar resort ends up being cheaper.
  7. How warm and happy of a home is it when he doesn't care that you're unfulfilled? If he cared in the least, wouldn't he be willing to try at least one thing you suggested? And when you try to discuss things with him, you say you're walking on eggshells. Are you fooling yourself about how much he really cares? Question is, why you settled for a life of frustration. I'd ask him to go to couples counseling with you. If he refuses, go to counseling on your own to show him the seriousness of the matter. If he shows no concern when you do that, good luck settling for living with your roommate, since he's little more than that.
  8. Well, that's something you can be working on. Read articles and books on improving yourself in those areas. I believe you were the one to ask her on the first four dates, so at this point, I'd wait for her to make some effort to give her that opportunity. It's a good way to gauge someone's interest, and each person should regularly make effort so it isn't one-sided. Give her those chances. You know she's lacking in the texting dept., so don't expect that from her. If it's a must-have for you, date someone else. Don't project to the future. She's not the only woman in the world, so if it doesn't work out, or you two are not finding a happy rhythm for each of you, you will survive. Think of being in the present and enjoying her company for that moment. Make sure you engage in other activities like spending time with guy friends and hobbies you do without her to be a well-balance person. Take care.
  9. It's because you're the only longterm romance he's ever had. The fear is normal at this point, but once he gets closure from the relationship, mourns and moves on to dating in the future, those fears will be unfounded. You don't have 100 percent confidence in continuing on with him because of the situation, so its best you don't.
  10. You need to decide what's a dealbreaker and what things you'll give one more chance for or let slide. But once you've had that argument and come to a consensus, then yes, it's not okay to dredge up the past again. If you can't get past it in half of a year, then maybe it's a dealbreaker for you, so break up.
  11. Since you're saving a ton of money by not paying rent, use some of it to hire someone to do the work. You've requested it from him, and he won't do it even if you think he's in the wrong. After 8 years together, why now, do you want to get married? Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he come to your aid in an emergency? Does he do his fair share of housework? Does he meet your emotional and physical needs? A partner won't always behave how you wish. You will have to decide if this will cause too much bitterness in the relationship for it to go on, or if it's something you will have to let slide and seek out other solutions because the relationship is good in all other ways.
  12. I'm sorry that happened to you. I never had a grandpa, but looking back, the man next door when I was a child played that role, and I have great memories of that time. Nobody will take the place of your father, but there are men in nursing homes and assisted living facilities who have lost sons or never had one. Perhaps you can volunteer by spending time with residents who need someone to read to them, or just to talk. Ask about their lives. Sometimes people have a pet they can put through training to be a sort of therapy dog to visit nursing homes. Some people can play the guitar and play for residents. It's the sort of connection with people where you get as much as you give. Volunteer work is a good way to redirect your miring in grief. I heard a story of a woman who had terminal cancer. She chose to spend her last time on the planet by buying flowers and handing them out to people on the street. Their smiles at the gift was enough for her to temporarily get her mind off her own fate in life. Take care.
  13. Do you mean he ogles them, cranes his head over his neck to stare at them, or that you get jealous when he peers up at the waitress to give his order, or that you expect him to stare down at his shoes while you two walk together in case he spots someone more beautiful and takes off after her, yanking the leash out of your hand?
  14. Don't discuss such important things over text. Tell her you want to have the discussion in person. What you said is lovely. I'd tell her that and also probably tell her what she does to make you feel loved. I'd ask her what you do to make her feel loved, and if there is something she desires to have you two emotionally connecting in ways you may have neglected or never engaged in. And it doesn't matter what your past is. Carrying around that heavy emotional luggage gets old and gets in the way of really connecting with a partner. Nobody wants to be with someone closed off. That's a shallow way of living and like trying to share a life with an acquaintance. Evolve into being a worthy partner to deserve a worthy partner.
  15. What you call open discussion is a false spin on diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to sex. It's irrelevant info and harmful. Just because someone asks you something, doesn't mean you have to answer. It shouldn't be: "Have you ever done such and such with a partner?" Who cares? What's important is what you want to do with each other in the present. Who wants words and info that will have you picturing your crush knocking boots with someone else? Learn from your mistakes. We all have to.
  16. I don't know why you know at what point she had sex with all her past partners. It could be that she saw what she did in the past as a mistake, as far as the intimacy timeline. As long as she keeps accepting dates and making effort with you, it means she's into you. I'd give it another month and see what happens then.
  17. You're going to have to change this about your life. Even introverts need friends. You can't have a bf be the sole center of your universe. That's too smothering for him--too much pressure that he's your only social outlet. And not healthy for you, as won't you feel as though your world is falling apart if you have no other support system if a breakup happens? And only broken people will be attracted to you when you are not a well-rounded person with friends, hobbies/interests, and a fulfilling life besides wanting a romantic companion. So the few guys you dated weren't good matches? Totally normal. That's the point of dating--to see if you want to continue with someone or not. It doesn't mean living in cyber space la-la-land will spare you those hurts or frustrations. In fact, it's worse because you get overly involved with an unknown person without seeing the reality of what local dating would show you far sooner. And stick to being an ethical person for better results. If you wouldn't want a girl online to be flirting with your bf, don't engage in that activity yourself. It's selfish, it's self-sabotaging, and two wrongs will never result in happily ever after. He knows you have a crush on him and that he's doing something wrong by going behind his gf's back to speak to you. That's a crappy thing to do and you know it. He's no prize so take off those rose-colored glasses. In doing what's ethically right, you'll have better success with your goals rather than expecting any happiness will come from having an emotional affair.
  18. I would look up reviews of restaurants in her town. Tell her you're willing to take her to dinner and her town, and mention 2 or 3 restaurants you found with good reviews. Ask her if she knows if any of them are good. If she suggests one, or says she doesn't know, like she wants you to pick, ask if she wants you to pick her up or if she wants to meet you there. Good luck.
  19. FWBs are meant to be short term. You being upset enough to post this on a forum means this arrangement should reach its end. You have expectations of how he should behave and it doesn't align with your wishes. It's not working. Unless you're used to dating extremely free-spirited men who don't care that you're close friends with an ex FWB, your assumption that you can just go back to being friends is totally the wrong decision. I personally don't know any guy who would date a woman is buddies with an ex FWB. Time to make decisions that are best for your life's ultimate plan.
  20. When a person breaks up, it means they didn't care enough to work on any problems to resolve them. There was no problem for the both of you to resolve. Your theory of the issue being her tattoos is grasping for straws as you merely miss being in a romantic relationship. Stick to your first theory that something was missing that would've had you wanting to go to the next stage. Your fate lies with someone else.
  21. I didn't read your original post. Based on this, why would you want to go on vacation with someone like that? I'd rather eat the cancellation money and not go.
  22. Your brain still had 3 years to mature into a fully adult brain, so your thought process then was way off. You assumed an older woman be more mature and more stable for a relationship. That wasn't the case, and the opposite. To me, there is something really mentally off for a 40 year old to want to be dating a 22 year old. I did OLD in my 40s and plenty of guys in their 20s contacted me. I told them thanks for the ego boost, but I prefer dating guys closer to my age. Young people are learning the dating game and do make mistakes. Your exes made mistakes and I'm sure you did too. If people don't get hurt in the dating process, they were one of the minority to hit gold with their first partner. If you're the type to keep choosing inappropriate women, it means your self esteem is lacking and your woman-picker will continue to be faulty. Be alone and work on that and create a fulfilling life without a partner. Ironically, that's the only way you will be ready to date again.
  23. Why did you make a major decision like moving in with a man when you have so many reservations about the relationship? How long did you date before moving in? Boob jobs cost upwards of 25,000 dollars. Why would you accept such an expensive gift from someone who it seems you barely know? What do you mean he messed up? If he cheated on you, those are his poor ethics which he has a rare chance of changing. Why would he? You're still there, aren't you? He picks women with low self-esteem who will be doormats so he can have his cake and eat it too.
  24. You can tell him which books you're reading for self improvement and promise your poor behavior won't happen again. And then don't dwell, making it a constant issue. Secrets have a way of coming out without you having to be a spy. Time will reveal all and your only job is to be the best gf you can be, and to stay resilient enough to handle anything that happens. LDRs should have a timeline of moving close to each other within a year or two. If that's not going to happen, why have you decided on the hardest type of relationship there is?
  25. Read some articles and books on getting rid of emotional baggage. You are self sabotaging. The only control you have is to have a wait and see attitude regarding if a guy is a good match for you in every way and is faithful. Only time will tell. In the meantime, have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a boyfriend. In that way, you will know you will be okay whether or not the relationship works out. You also need to learn that when you have an argument and come to a consensus, that argument should never be brought up again. Dredging up the past is the best way to bring an end to your present relationship. Work on boosting your self esteem. Confidence is the biggest attractor to another. You need to feel like a treasure and that anybody would be lucky to call you their girlfriend. That kind of person is a lot more pleasant and fun to be with than some wilting violet, shaking in fear like a pile of gelatin. Yes, you can improve and you have to or you'll lose any decent man with your unwarranted jealousy.
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