Relationship over? Gutted - she still has feelings for ex - what now?

[Inlove]

Ok, long post! Both of us are around 50, each have 2 teens and live 3 miles away from each other. Started dating 9 months ago.

Background - I split from wife start of last year, she split from ex of 7 years in June. They had also been together for 2 years at university and he had left his wife to be with her 7 or so years ago. Met online but knew a few people in common. relationship developed really fast - lots of time together, went away together, met kids quickly  and was amazing. Both very happy. Booked big holiday for all 6 of us for April and all was good. We have never argued, kids like the other person (her daughter hates him) same views and outlook, had both been looking at bigger houses we could move into together in a fun way and talked high level around that. Have a great balance of independence and time with each other.

Problem - Late Feb/early March she said her ex got in touch. He had dumped her as the went through a rough few months and he was stressed with work, and was not committing to future (moving, living together) as they lived 3 hours away and only saw each other weekends. But now he was saying he made mistake etc... We discussed a bit, she said all is great between us but there is not quite the same spark/chemistry between us that they had. I have felt a bit of that, more a bit awkward, I said that while I detected things were like that (although fine) I did not want rock the boat as everything else was perfect. Also we have kids around, see each other a lot always rushing to do things with kids, work and not having full weekends like they had. We put that to one side, went away and had a great time.

Now - Last week she said we needed to talk and we basically said about a short break from each other, but despite saying we wouldn't, we both messaged each other, met Sunday for a few hours and talked loads, met Tuesday and talked loads and kissed a lot. She feels she needs to meet him to see what her feelings are, and that she feels bad for what she is doing. She thinks she loves both of us! She was supposed to come over later but messaged me this morning saying she has to come to a decision and cant continue, not doing any of us any good, she is worried that meeting up later will see her melt in my arms wont want to leave, cant fathom why to leave something so good. 

She is supposed to meet me later after work and will talk. I have told her all the time how much I love her, that there is no guilt to feel and that we should still see what we can do. There is something really good here.

Am not hopeful and totally gutted

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Inlove said:

She is supposed to meet me later after work and will talk.

Don't put yourself through this. 

This is a dead end. The fact that she is even considering going back to her ex tells you she is not your future. Her feelings for you just aren't strong enough, and that is the fundamental problem. Whether or not she and ex reunite, you would always know she isn't as into you as she needs to be to sustain a relationship long-term with you. If she were, another man would not be able to turn her head like this. 

I'm sorry, man. You need to let her go. It's not going to work. 

[Inlove]

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Don't put yourself through this. 

This is a dead end. The fact that she is even considering going back to her ex tells you she is not your future. Her feelings for you just aren't strong enough, and that is the fundamental problem. Whether or not she and ex reunite, you would always know she isn't as into you as she needs to be to sustain a relationship long-term with you. If she were, another man would not be able to turn her head like this. 

I'm sorry, man. You need to let her go. It's not going to work. 

You are right in many ways - she was obviously not fully over him and now he is in contact it has awaken feelings. I do think she is into me and if this hadn't happened we would have been talking about next steps. I had thought that can I recover from this (if we stayed together) and yes, I could, I actually think that even of she met up, slept with him and realised it was not right and came back, in a way in would make it stronger. 

I do want to meet, I want to make sure she is happy to end it and that she is ok too.

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Inlove said:

I actually think that even of she met up, slept with him and realised it was not right and came back, in a way in would make it stronger. 

Dude. Re-read what you just wrote here. 

This is your desperation speaking. This is you grasping at any straws to make this okay with yourself. But my guy, you need to get real here. What you describe above would be terribly damaging and not strengthen anything. 

10 minutes ago, Inlove said:

I do think she is into me and if this hadn't happened we would have been talking about next steps.

She is into you, but not enough. Not the way someone needs to be to really have a strong relationship. Her heart and mind aren't with you enough for another man not to intrude. She has space for someone else in there, which is why you very likely wouldn't have had the future you dream of. 

12 minutes ago, Inlove said:

she was obviously not fully over him

Exactly. You were her rebound. 

[Inlove]

Yup, it hard not to agree!

I am aware I feel pathetic at the moment. Am sure a lot of this is denial/fear but it is also just pure love. When someone says they get butterflies still when they meet, or that when we kiss it's amazing it is hard to work out the why? In every other relationship there have been clear signs as to why it's not working but neither of us have done anything wrong other than her been tempted by someone else. 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Inlove said:

In every other relationship there have been clear signs as to why it's not working

This is your now your sign that it's not working: 

2 minutes ago, Inlove said:

her been tempted by someone else. 

She's more than tempted. She broke up with you to explore reuniting with him. This is already over but you haven't quite accepted it yet, which is understandable. This is why meeting up to talk is not going to go well. You will be devastated to talk and still see her turn around and wave goodbye. 

[Batya33]

How rude and tacky of her to compare the chemistry - I'd have been gone basically just based on that choice. It's fine to say "look I'm not feeling it" but why deliberately try to hurt you even more? No I wouldn't talk to someone who obviously missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught (and no she wasn't "just being honest").  

Let her comparison shop all she wants -on her own.  

[Inlove]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How rude and tacky of her to compare the chemistry - I'd have been gone basically just based on that choice. It's fine to say "look I'm not feeling it" but why deliberately try to hurt you even more? No I wouldn't talk to someone who obviously missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught (and no she wasn't "just being honest").  

Let her comparison shop all she wants -on her own.  

I can see how that comes across but the thing is she is feeling it with me, she just feels that maybe it's not as much as ex and that creates doubts. There is sincerity there and with other great stuff over recent months I know she is feeling it.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Inlove said:

. I had thought that can I recover from this (if we stayed together) and yes, I could, I actually think that even of she met up, slept with him and realised it was not right and came back, in a way in would make it stronger. 

Sorry this is happening. She seems torn and trying to tiptoe out of the relationship. Please reflect if you want to be in the crossfire of her on/off relationship and a backup plan. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Inlove said:

I can see how that comes across but the thing is she is feeling it with me, she just feels that maybe it's not as much as ex and that creates doubts. There is sincerity there and with other great stuff over recent months I know she is feeling it.

I’d rephrase. She has chosen to react to her feelings by meeting with her ex to comparison shop and by sharing with you that her way of taking her emotional temperature is to compare the strength of her feelings for you to those she felt in the past for her  ex. So please know even if you win “the prize” you’ll need a really strong stomach each time she seems distant or you wonder hmmmm do I still measure up ?? Anyone who makes it this sort of competition and is tacky enough to share it with her partner likely is a poor choice for any sort of long term partner.  Doubts weren’t “created” - she is acting on her feeling for her ex by telling you she’s gonna test them out by meeting with him. So like if an attractive woman caught your eye and you felt a strong spark it’s ok to tell her that and tell her you know what you need to meet that lady for coffee to see if you feel as strong a spark for your partner but you know it’s ok because you know you feel chemistry with your partner but now that you see some other green grass you’re just gonna check if it’s greener. You’ll let her know the results and she should hang out and wait to see if she makes the grade. 

[sheera]

 It's positive that you're willing to talk things through, but it's also important to respect each other's feelings and decisions, even if they're difficult. Take the time to listen to each other and try to find a solution that works for both of you, even if it means taking a break or reevaluating the relationship. Remember to take care of yourself emotionally during this challenging time.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I made the bad decision to remain in a relationship with someone who I knew was still in love with his ex. She was never really out of his life. He bounced between the two of us for years. I should have walked at the two month mark but I didn't. Super bad choice. The entire relationship was fraught with fear and anxiety. I couldn't even sleep. He ended up leaving me for someone he DID have strong feelings for (not his ex) because he'd never felt that way about me despite him having some degree of feelings for me. It wasn't enough and he wanted that strong connection. No amount of "talking" could make him love me the way he loved her.

Don't be me. 

[Inlove]

1 hour ago, sheera said:

 It's positive that you're willing to talk things through, but it's also important to respect each other's feelings and decisions, even if they're difficult. Take the time to listen to each other and try to find a solution that works for both of you, even if it means taking a break or reevaluating the relationship. Remember to take care of yourself emotionally during this challenging time.

Thanks - taking the break was difficult as the uncertainty kills and the fact there is no anger between us doesn't help!

If she said point blank she preferred the ex then it would be relatively easy to accept

[Inlove]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I made the bad decision to remain in a relationship with someone who I knew was still in love with his ex. She was never really out of his life. He bounced between the two of us for years. I should have walked at the two month mark but I didn't. Super bad choice. The entire relationship was fraught with fear and anxiety. I couldn't even sleep. He ended up leaving me for someone he DID have strong feelings for (not his ex) because he'd never felt that way about me despite him having some degree of feelings for me. It wasn't enough and he wanted that strong connection. No amount of "talking" could make him love me the way he loved her.

Don't be me. 

Thanks, I guess the difference is that we both feel super strong about each other, she admitted that had he not messaged (and she actually feels a bit of anger to him for that) then we would not be in this situation (i.e. all else was fine)

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Inlove said:

Thanks, I guess the difference is that we both feel super strong about each other, she admitted that had he not messaged (and she actually feels a bit of anger to him for that) then we would not be in this situation (i.e. all else was fine)

But he did message and she does want to see him. And she's apparently convinced there are still feelings, AND she said she doesn't feel as strongly for you as she did for him.

I did the "consolation prize/second choice" relationship thing and it really sucks. 

You can go ahead and try to force this to work or have a "talk" with her, trying to convince her to love you enough. I just think it's not going to go the way you're hoping, not because I'm a pessimist or because of my experience but because of what you told us about the situation. 

[boltnrun]

Also, if I truly have strong feelings for my partner and am truly in love it wouldn't matter if fifty exes came sniffing around or sent messages. I would ignore and delete the messages or send one back saying "Not interested". Yes, that has happened (not fifty exes lol, just one). I told him I wasn't interested. I didn't meet with him and then tell my current boyfriend that I still had feelings for my ex and that my feelings for him weren't as strong as my feelings for my ex. I said no thanks and deleted the message. (Oh wait, I showed the message to my current boyfriend because I was being transparent. And I sent the "not interested" message in front of my boyfriend and deleted my ex's message in front of him.) 

Someone truly in love can't be swayed by an ex. Or anyone, for that matter.

You shouldn't have to convince someone to be in a relationship with you. They are either 100% in or they're out. 

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, Inlove said:

and yes, I could, I actually think that even of she met up, slept with him and realised it was not right and came back, in a way in would make it stronger. 

In reading everything you've written, I'm going to guess you're a people pleaser and really don't have your own back for fear of rocking the boat. Even when a couple is well-suited, there will be bickering now and then, and you went an entire 9 months with no argument. Another point of why I've theorized this is this quote here, where you're considering it might even be a good thing if he sleeps with her ex. What???

This, especially, screams of your poor self-esteem. You also are so smitten you're giving excuses to her toxic behavior which other posters have pointed out. Whereas you welcome it as "honesty." 

She can see that you clearly lack basic standards in expecting a partner will act within healthy relationship boundaries.

 She should have blocked his number after the breakup. Leaving that connection open shows she's okay with communicating romantically with an ex, speaking to him about things nobody already taken should. 

She's okay risking the relationship she has with you for an ex who dumped her. If that doesn't show she's just not that into you, I don't know what does. She used you as a Band-aid after she was dumped, to prove to herself she was still desirable, and to distract her from her hurt feelings.

What you assume is love for you is really her enjoying a fan. And now the fan is spineless and accepting her playing with his heart. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and an ego boost from you.

I believe with time and distance away from her, plus a lot of work on yourself to have some self-worth, you will finally see this situation more objectively as we do, who are responding.

Do what she should've done to her ex. Block her. Hold out for a woman who is crazy about you and wants you alone. You'll pat yourself on the back that you made what you think is a hard tactic now to reap the rewards later.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Inlove said:

we both feel super strong about each other

If that were true, this thread wouldn't exist. She would have told her ex to take a hike. 

1 hour ago, Inlove said:

had he not messaged (and she actually feels a bit of anger to him for that) then we would not be in this situation

Um, no. Had she not reciprocated his interest when he got in touch, you would not be in this situation. This is on her. She was perfectly in control and able to say "no thank" to ex, but she didn't. She is a bit angry at him for messaging? Please. She could have put a stop to everything very easily. 

Women with super strong feelings don't consider taking an ex back. They just don't. I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to be real here. 

 

[Batya33]

When my husband and I were dating two months or so - exclusive- his recent ex gf emailed him or something -she regretted ending things, missed him blah blah.  He told me because he said right after "I told her no, I wasn't interested."  I told her because I am in love with you.  They still worked together at that point so maybe he wanted me to know but the reason was because they were going to remain in touch professionally and he wanted to reconfirm that he was with me and committed. I had zero concerns about how he would behave around her.

[Inlove]

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

In reading everything you've written, I'm going to guess you're a people pleaser and really don't have your own back for fear of rocking the boat. Even when a couple is well-suited, there will be bickering now and then, and you went an entire 9 months with no argument. Another point of why I've theorized this is this quote here, where you're considering it might even be a good thing if he sleeps with her ex. What???

This, especially, screams of your poor self-esteem. You also are so smitten you're giving excuses to her toxic behavior which other posters have pointed out. Whereas you welcome it as "honesty." 

She can see that you clearly lack basic standards in expecting a partner will act within healthy relationship boundaries.

 She should have blocked his number after the breakup. Leaving that connection open shows she's okay with communicating romantically with an ex, speaking to him about things nobody already taken should. 

She's okay risking the relationship she has with you for an ex who dumped her. If that doesn't show she's just not that into you, I don't know what does. She used you as a Band-aid after she was dumped, to prove to herself she was still desirable, and to distract her from her hurt feelings.

What you assume is love for you is really her enjoying a fan. And now the fan is spineless and accepting her playing with his heart. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and an ego boost from you.

I believe with time and distance away from her, plus a lot of work on yourself to have some self-worth, you will finally see this situation more objectively as we do, who are responding.

Do what she should've done to her ex. Block her. Hold out for a woman who is crazy about you and wants you alone. You'll pat yourself on the back that you made what you think is a hard tactic now to reap the rewards later.

I am not a people pleaser all the time and have had plenty of conflict in the past (my ex wife and I only talk through the kids WA group as that is pretty toxic). We did have disagreements but they never escalated to arguments from either side, yes I may feel annoyed one night that she didnt want to go for a drink or something and she would get annoyed when I snored but never argued about it.

Despite what it may look like she is a lovely and caring person who got into a new relationship with me and there were no obvious hangups. It was only when he got in contact that she realised there was something potentially there and greater than us in probability. I can tell when people are lying - there was plenty of that from both sides in my marriage - and she did not go into this with me with any intentions either way, as did I. We dated and it simply grew from there. She did not expect to feel how she did about me and I didnt expect to feel what I would feel from here. 

I dont know, if our 'connection' was 8/10 theirs must have been 9/10 or something. Neither of us are especially jealous people and I have been friends with an ex for many years with no drama. If she ever wanted to hook up the answer would be no as the relationship while fine at the time was not amazing.

I do appreciate peoples comments and views though, it has helped to get this off my chest. We did meet up yesterday though and it was good closure. Talked, hugged, cried and despite what many think we will continue as friends. taking a coupe of weeks where we will not see each other and go from there. This is the first relationship where I have been dumped where there is not anger or bitterness, just upset, or even one where I think "if only I had done this"

[Inlove]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If that were true, this thread wouldn't exist. She would have told her ex to take a hike. 

Um, no. Had she not reciprocated his interest when he got in touch, you would not be in this situation. This is on her. She was perfectly in control and able to say "no thank" to ex, but she didn't. She is a bit angry at him for messaging? Please. She could have put a stop to everything very easily. 

Women with super strong feelings don't consider taking an ex back. They just don't. I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to be real here. 

 

I agree - but I think while she had super strong feelings this triggered super-super string feelings. I have been in love before, the intensity levels are different. I have been in relationships where the intensity level is strong but not as strong as an earlier one.

Maybe it's looking back through rose tinted glasses - my first serious GF at 19 for 5 years stayed in my heart for a long time. Was I over her when I met my wife - probably not. Did I think about her a lot in the first 5 years of relationship with wife, yes I probably did despite being happy at the time with my wife (it was only once we got to 16 years it started to change). Had she got back in touch then would I have been tempted to leave wife (to be), possibly, who knows. 

What I am sure about is had she not replied back, it probably would have eaten away in the future and caused even more damage to both of us.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're feeling better.

[MissCanuck]

Just focus on moving forward now, OP. 

[Inlove]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Thank you - it will take a while but if you are going to break up it was a nice one. I will always look back on the last 9 months as amazing, even if it is a bit raw now. Happy memories and hoping that friendship remains strong. 

Dont have a huge circle of friends (lots of them took my wifes side in divorce) but those I have spoken to have been supportive especially my sister. Just needing keep busy and have a counselling session soon to ensure I dont get too down and can have things to focus on.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Inlove said:

Thank you - it will take a while but if you are going to break up it was a nice one. I will always look back on the last 9 months as amazing, even if it is a bit raw now. Happy memories and hoping that friendship remains strong. 

Dont have a huge circle of friends (lots of them took my wifes side in divorce) but those I have spoken to have been supportive especially my sister. Just needing keep busy and have a counselling session soon to ensure I dont get too down and can have things to focus on.

Glad you have therapy . I’d avoid friendship since you can’t be her true friend given your feelings.