Relationship over? Gutted - she still has feelings for ex - what now?

[Inlove]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Be prepared, she may try to lure you back with extravagant promises and declarations of love. She might not like losing you as a fan/option. If she's truly sincere she'd completely cut off the other man and focus solely on you. Not be going back and forth like a seesaw. 

Yeah. The killer for me was when I messaged her to say I can’t keep up with this, too confusing etc but why not spend the weekend with me not him and walk away from him (after the last weekend we had). Her response was some of the normal… what i said makes sense etc  then  “as i need to convince myself of the reasons why it won’t work with him” 

sorry  that’s lame. that instantly made me feel 2nd best  surely it should be the one that you think is the best? I did sort of get it as that itch would not be there, whereas if she walked from him would he be in back of mind forever, but no, that’s was the line which did it for me 

she messaged this morning seeing how I am, not responded and  not planning to 

 

[boltnrun]

40 minutes ago, Inlove said:

she messaged this morning seeing how I am

Yeah, she is not going to let go. She wants you as her fan and as a backup option for when her ex/current isn't available to her. She will increase her efforts to keep you attached to her. She will be oh so confused but she still loves you! But she just can't let the other man go, not yet....this will go on indefinitely if you allow it.

Why not ask her to stop contacting you?

[Inlove]

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, she is not going to let go. She wants you as her fan and as a backup option for when her ex/current isn't available to her. She will increase her efforts to keep you attached to her. She will be oh so confused but she still loves you! But she just can't let the other man go, not yet....this will go on indefinitely if you allow it.

Why not ask her to stop contacting you?

I don’t really know what she is thinking. In another world we could be great friends so I get the wanting to stay in contact (from her perspective ) But I know that i was a backup, I cannot be friends with someone I fancy so much and seeing how she was with me last week the same for her. I don’t want to be a bit on the side and in fairness I don’t think she would do that. 
 

am probably not strong enough to say no contact. We have some good friends in common and I wouldn’t want her using that as an excuse to bad mouth me for being spoilt, not that I think she would. Also we will see each other in the course of our lives, be it out for walks and passing each other, down local pub - we live in small villages 2 miles apart and kids work together. Funnily enough I remember seeing her in the pub before we met. 
 

Also, at this moment I don’t trust my feelings. While I am fine with not replying I genuinely don’t know how I would react if she said next week it was rubbish and I am the choice. A week  ago I would have snapped her arm off in joy. This week, I really don’t know. I can’t turn off the love just yet, but neither could I jump back into something with the hurt i am feeling. That will probably come but I need to make that decision myself like the not messaging back. 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

she messaged this morning seeing how I am, not responded and  not planning to 

Why not block? Every time you hear from her, it will send you back to square one in emotionally moving on. Your reasoning to not do so is nonsense. You can still be pleasant with a brief hi if you see her out and about, and if your friends are true friends, they will have your back on doing what's best for yourself.

Many years ago, when blocking wasn't yet available on my phone, an ex texted me 5 months later. It really pissed me off that someone could intrude on my life and stir up distressing emotions at their whim.

You're leaving a door open, still hoping she will one day see the light and return to you. She will never be the right one for you, even when her man dumps her, which as I earlier said, is almost a guarantee. 

As you can see, her contacting you is more about attention seeking for herself rather than caring about what you're going through. If she was a decent human being, she would've totally left the relationship with you without leaving you in limbo. She didn't, and for the rotten cherry on top, she is still not leaving you alone.

[boltnrun]

People come up with all sorts of excuses to keep allowing someone to contact them. It's not mandatory that she have access to you via electronic means. You can be civil when you run into her. I'm not advocating for you to trash her or send her nasty messages demanding she leave you alone. You can explain that it would do you a world of good to stay out of contact for the time being and ask her to please respect your wishes. 

However...if you're still "hoping" she picks you, you'll continue to manufacture excuses why you "can't" ask her to stop contacting you. Perhaps you're hoping for a message that says "I made a huge mistake, I realize I love you and only you, please forgive me!"

20 minutes ago, Inlove said:

I don’t want to be a bit on the side and in fairness I don’t think she would do that. 

Um, she already has. Do you think the other man knows she's been having sex with you? 

It all comes down to what's more important to you.  Your own well being, or allowing her access to you in case she flips back to you for now (until she just has to explore things with him again...)?

Look, I've been there. I played the "pick me!" game and lost. Big time. My self respect was in the toilet until I did what was necessary to get it back.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

She didn't, and for the rotten cherry on top, she is still not leaving you alone.

An even bigger rotten cherry is that OP is allowing himself to be played like this and I mean that quite literally...  sorry OP.

My take is she's using you as leverage to elicit jealousy in her ex because right now HE may be indecisive about HER which of course she finds challenging and intriguing versus what you're doing - her reliable safe haven which for her is great big YAWN.

But yeah she loves the attention and will use you and drain you until her ex makes up HIS mind about HER after which you will he history assuming they get back together for good and he commits.

If he doesn't, well then she settles for you, her "fall guy" and you got it OP, second best or as my late mom would say - sloppy seconds. 

4 hours ago, Inlove said:

then  “as i need to convince myself of the reasons why it won’t work with him” 

Lol, apologies for chuckling but this^ may be one of the most absurd excuses I've ever heard.  

@Inloveplease wake up, please.  MY heart hurts reading this.  

You say you're not strong, I don't believe you. You are strong, we all are when placed in harms way whether WE place ourselves there which you're doing or we get placed there against our will.

You simply don't want to let go, as you said you are in deep denial and sadly there's probably nothing any of us could say that would take you out of out of that place and into reality.

Other than I'm sorry and take care of YOU.

Love yourself first. 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I disagree that you should ask her to stop contacting you.  That's giving HER control imo.  It's weak. 

YOU take control and simply stop allowing her access to you!  You do not need her permission.  Stop contacting her and stop responding to messages.  Block her if it makes that process easier. 

I apologize for being so blunt but this may be one of the worst displays of a woman 'jerking a man around' I've seen in a long time and YOU are allowing it OP.

No, there is no need to be asking her a damn thing. 

YOU make the decision.  Heck, she may even respect you for it which respect I doubt she has much of now sorry to say. 

Again love yourself first because if we're unable to love ourselves first and behave as such, with self-respect and high esteem, no one will be able to truly love or respect you either...

Take care...

 

 

[Inlove]

Thanks all. I do know that it is not the attention she likes. I think she would prefer if she genuinely did not love both. I think she under estimated how much she felt for me. We are both to blame for stuff happening in the last month. I also know that he was the one driving it so I don’t think there are any games there. 

I am annoyed with myself for this too. I should have tried to nip in the bud earlier. I should have given an ultimatum earlier and said this is not acceptable. I also feel a bit of an idiot. And yes rainbows and roses, that’s the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. The only positive for me is that it’s leading to a bit of anger and hate (in a good way) which hopefully will make things easier to get over. 
 

luckily am seeing friends for next couple of days. 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Inlove said:

then  “as i need to convince myself of the reasons why it won’t work with him” 

She must think you're a little thick for even having tried to sell you this stupidity in the first place.

You are going to be better off without her. 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, Inlove said:

I do know that it is not the attention she likes. I think she would prefer if she genuinely did not love both. I think she under estimated how much she felt for me.

^^I think once you stop telling yourself these types of "stories," it will be much easier to accept the situation and move on.

If she "loved" you, NONE of this would be happening.

As I said, it's doubtful anything we say will make a bit of difference, you will simply have to learn this the hard way, which is how most of us learn anyway.

All the best.

 

[boltnrun]

When I genuinely love someone I cannot even think of someone else let alone have sex with them and spend entire weekends with them.

You have her on a pedestal, but that's OK because eventually pedestals crumble and you see the real person.

Take care of yourself. 

[spartanecvip301]

Dating girls with emotional baggage is not a good idea. Give her space, see other women and wait to hear from her. If she does come back to you, it will be temporary until she finds somebody else. Basically you'll be the backup guy.

[Inlove]

Ok. So an update. And am sure many shake heads, but things are back on. 
 

he was down this weekend and we saw each other twice by chance too. Once yesterday I was walking out the pub and she was crossing the road in front of me. Quick 5 min chat and I knew it was over between us for some reason. So I asked if she could pop over next day (as I need her to look me in the eye and say no more meeting and to walk away). Today I was there with a mate and was just about to head in to get another and she went past on bike and chatted for a couple of minutes. These were both those sliding door moments. 1 min later/earlier and she would not have seen me. 
 

again, I knew it was over in my mind. She popped over later and to my surprise she said that it wasn’t over. She couldn’t stop thinking about me, missed me. Realised that I do make her really happy. She is gutted for the hurt both of us have had. I think there was a bit of closure needed between them. I didn’t know this but when they split last year there was unanswered stuff. 
 

we talked, I told her how I felt and she agreed. I told her that if she wants make a go of it with me she has to be certain in her mind. She went home, rang him and told him that was her decision.  
 

it’s going to be a tough few weeks still. I need to be ok with everything and she needs to rebuild a few things with me but it’s what we both want. 
 

I know people will say I have been weak, but I love her to bits and there is something between us neither can let go. I wish this hadn’t happened but am so happy for this chance. 
 

if I am honest, this morning I would have said 5% chance or less. Am In shock but for me it’s a no brainier. It is last chance though. Any more doubts like that and I will walk away and said that. 
 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Inlove said:

I think there was a bit of closure needed between them. I didn’t know this but when they split last year there was unanswered stuff. 

In other words, he dumped her for good or told her he did not wish to pursue further and she ran back to you -  her safe haven.

Sorry to be so cynical and truly hope I'm wrong. 

Good luck to both of you, be happy. 😀

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he dumped her for good

That was my theory, that that was bound to happen. His old became new and when it became old again, he ditched her, which she will never admit because her version puts her in a better light.

But you are so smitten you still can't see through the blur, so there will be no deterring you into just having this play out as it will. I hope you are blessed with a miracle.

[MissCanuck]

Good luck with this, OP. 

Keep your friends close. You're going to need them when she dumps you again. You are being willfully blind to think this is going to go any other way. This woman is not invested you, and she will not stick around. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Good luck with this, OP. 

Keep your friends close. You're going to need them when she dumps you again. You are being willfully blind to think this is going to go any other way. This woman is not invested you, and she will not stick around. 

And this is so whether or not her ex remains in the picture - someone else or the dream of someone else (Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail tells this about her dream when she -ends things with her long term partner before she meets Tom Hanks in person -although arguably that was a crossing boundaries emotional thing on line) - you can tell yourself this was a one off unfinished business thing. 

She will always want to "confirm" her interest in someone else by meeting up - she will act on that temptation or interest.  And now she knows despite all your protestations you will wait in the wings while she shops around, experiments, compares.  Wherever your body feels that sort of stress and ickiness stock up on those over the counter meds-you will need them.  She knows you'll tell yourself it's because you love her and that somehow that love transcends any shreds of self respect that are left. 

On the upside this will be romantic and fun and thrilling -for now you've won "the prize".

[Inlove]

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

In other words, he dumped her for good or told her he did not wish to pursue further and she ran back to you -  her safe haven.

Sorry to be so cynical and truly hope I'm wrong. 

Good luck to both of you, be happy. 😀

No. He wanted it. He was trying to work out when to come down at weekends and that’s one of the big factors. She said o instantly to a weekend because she wanted to watch me run. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

No. He wanted it. He was trying to work out when to come down at weekends and that’s one of the big factors. She said o instantly to a weekend because she wanted to watch me run. 

So it sounds like logistics were the main issue.  That's nice she wanted to watch you run. You watched her try to run back to him.

[MissCanuck]

Good grief, man. 

This gets worse with update you give. 

[LootieTootie]

4 hours ago, Inlove said:

She said o instantly to a weekend because she wanted to watch me run. 

Wanting to watch someone run is not love, man. Also it appears that when the guy couldn't make it into town, she probably thought "oh inlove wants me more! he wins this round"  - this - everything about it, is not love from her. It's an ego trip for her.

I'm sorry you're not thinking straight and you might just be a hopeless romantic but this chick is just using you for her own ego trip.  I still stand by what I said... there are people who love being fought over. It makes them feel desirable and validates them because underneath it all, they are insecure and troubled. 

If I was in your shoes, I would really ask myself if everything she has put me thru is love? Once you know your answer, hopefully you can accept it and either decide to start fresh with her and kick her to the curb.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I still stand by what I said... there are people who love being fought over. It makes them feel desirable and validates them because underneath it all, they are insecure and troubled. 

Totally agree! 

But heck telling him that.... now I envision him telling himself "awww, she is insecure and troubled, it's MY job to comfort her and be her 'white knight' so she feels safe and secure...."

Sadly he believes he will be rewarded for this with her love or whatever he himself is seeking (his own need for validation); unfortunately what will most likely happen is the opposite.

This white knight behavior will eventually repulse her, but hey good luck OP, like I said earlier some people have to learn the hard way...

It's how I learned and many of us have learned so not even negatively judging you for it.

Just be prepared for it, that's all I am saying. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

The woman has put everything on the line to explore reconciliation with this ex, because he means that much to her--and yet because he couldn't make it back to see her one weekend, she suddenly tosses him to the wind in favor of...watching you run?

What does that even mean?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

and yet because he couldn't make it back to see her one weekend, she suddenly tosses him to the wind

My read on this is that it was the ex who tossed HER to the wind after which SHE then went "running" back to the OP.

I mean after she put everything on the line for her EX, essentially broke up with the OP and spending time with him (the ex), having sex with him (most likely), it sounds much more likely that HE was the one who dumped her...

Just my take....  

P.S.  OP, there is no such thing (or shouldn't be) as "unconditional love," when it comes to romantic love.  THAT is a huge recipe for being disrespected, used, abused and tossed out.

Parental love is unconditional.

Romantic love has boundaries and commands RESPECT.  And when either of those are missing, they're OUT.   

OP, I am sorry but what are your boundaries here?   Will you tolerate and accept ANYTHING from this woman even if lord forbid she begins seriously abusing you?   Mentally, emotionally, physically?  Will you still stay because your love is "unconditional."  

I encourage you to rethink that.

Do you feel respected by her?  Do you feel the way in which she has treated you regarding her EX has been respectful?  Respectful of your feelings, of your person as a human being, as a man?  

Flattery is NOT respect.

Serious question.  I am quite curious where you learned that unconditional love is something to be adhered to or admired?  Or will be rewarded for?

It's NOT and won't.

  

 

 

 

[Morello]

10 hours ago, Inlove said:

No. He wanted it. He was trying to work out when to come down at weekends and that’s one of the big factors. She said o instantly to a weekend because she wanted to watch me run. 

Sorry, but you are delusional and nothing we say here will make much difference. You are on your way to heartbreak, and that train is not stopping before it badly wrecks.