Relationship over? Gutted - she still has feelings for ex - what now?

[Inlove]

On 5/1/2024 at 5:54 PM, Batya33 said:

It takes two people to fight.  A person who reacts to confusion by comparison shopping, including by meeting up with an ex - is not a person who is wanting to be with you let alone put in the effort to get over a rough spot.  I married my ex fiancee. We got back together over 7 years later.  I'm fairly certain we would not have if we'd kept in close touch once I had core shaking doubts about our upcoming wedding or if I'd told him I wanted to date others/meet up with an ex.  

Irrational pride is a thing.  Self respect is essential to any healthy relationship. I wouldn't give her the benefit and privilege of  your company while she is "confused" but not too confused to hang out with and be open to hooking up with her ex.

Ok, too many to quote but...

The way I have seen it is as this:

- She gets dumped by her ex, they had a lot of history, they dont really make a go of it, she probably starts dating too soon and without full closure on that relationship.

- We meet and fall in love - she was not expecting that but things are good

- Ex gets in contact - for some reason things trigger inside her. She was not expecting that but he has been promising a lot of what was missing - it's confused her, she has a good relationship here but there is something nagging away at her. This is the bit I can understand and relate to - and the practical person in me knows that even if this is surpressed it will eat away at our relationship

- I had a choice to make - feel rejected and walk away, possibly the best option BUT I know what this person means to me so I decide to support and see how things go

- It is clear she is confused (not playing the menopause card but my ex went through some varying emotions when she started it) - maybe thats irrelevant! 

- While this is tough I would rather see if there is a way to save it - I mean, people come back from lots of things. One couple I know split for 6 months and got back, another was punched by partner (not excusing that at all) but the worked it out after a few months and 5 years later are very happy and then there are the many that have affairs and work it out

- My view is that if she realises that spark is not there when they meet, she has simply made a mistake - we all do it. If she says that the spark is there and it's the right thing, then it was meant to be.

Denial - had that a bit at the beginning, did not take it too seriously when first mentioned but know that its happening and so have accepted it. Anger, very moderate as I am a much calmer now than I used to be and I can empathise with the situation. Bargaining, I have not tried to play us off, have simply explained my position and where I am, she needs to make the choice and if I push to much on that it may be a false one. I am being there and just making sure she understand how I feel. Depression - have that in buckets at the moment! I know that if next week, she says that things are good between them I know once and for all I can move on with no regrets. 

Am away this weekend so hope I can not think about it too much - and see what next week brings.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

- Ex gets in contact - for some reason things trigger inside her. She was not expecting that but he has been promising a lot of what was missing - it's confused her, she has a good relationship here but there is something nagging away at her. This is the bit I can understand and relate to - and the practical person in me knows that even if this is surpressed it will eat away at our relationship

People who want to be with other people might feel confused temporarily but would not act on it as she is choosing to IMHO. And it would not need to be suppressed -it would be easily resolved as duh - of course I'm thrown off by his contacting me and I'm curious but obviously I'd never ever risk hurting this special man I've found.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

Ok, too many to quote but...

The way I have seen it is as this:

- She gets dumped by her ex, they had a lot of history, they dont really make a go of it, she probably starts dating too soon and without full closure on that relationship.

- We meet and fall in love - she was not expecting that but things are good

- Ex gets in contact - for some reason things trigger inside her. She was not expecting that but he has been promising a lot of what was missing - it's confused her, she has a good relationship here but there is something nagging away at her. This is the bit I can understand and relate to - and the practical person in me knows that even if this is surpressed it will eat away at our relationship

- I had a choice to make - feel rejected and walk away, possibly the best option BUT I know what this person means to me so I decide to support and see how things go

- It is clear she is confused (not playing the menopause card but my ex went through some varying emotions when she started it) - maybe thats irrelevant! 

- While this is tough I would rather see if there is a way to save it - I mean, people come back from lots of things. One couple I know split for 6 months and got back, another was punched by partner (not excusing that at all) but the worked it out after a few months and 5 years later are very happy and then there are the many that have affairs and work it out

- My view is that if she realises that spark is not there when they meet, she has simply made a mistake - we all do it. If she says that the spark is there and it's the right thing, then it was meant to be.

Denial - had that a bit at the beginning, did not take it too seriously when first mentioned but know that its happening and so have accepted it. Anger, very moderate as I am a much calmer now than I used to be and I can empathise with the situation. Bargaining, I have not tried to play us off, have simply explained my position and where I am, she needs to make the choice and if I push to much on that it may be a false one. I am being there and just making sure she understand how I feel. Depression - have that in buckets at the moment! I know that if next week, she says that things are good between them I know once and for all I can move on with no regrets. 

Am away this weekend so hope I can not think about it too much - and see what next week brings.

I hope this either gets easier for you or works out for you.

Just a note about stages of grief, these are not necessarily outward behaviors or expressions, they are largely internal.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Inlove]

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I hope this either gets easier for you or works out for you.

Just a note about stages of grief, these are not necessarily outward behaviors or expressions, they are largely internal.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Must admit I have had a bit of a rethink overnight - maybe thats just part of the stages sinking in. I was hopeful a bit after Tuesday and what she said, and we did meet Thurs for a nice walk. I did say I would like to see her Fri night too and she said fine and I did go over and it just felt a bit weird.

We sat watching TV, and as normal, arm round, head on my chest and holding hands/stoking legs. It was nice and I was so desperate to go for a passionate kiss but something held me back. I just didnt feel it would be welcome but I really dont know as affection was still there. Her daughter finished work down the road and I picked her up and then she sat with us for a couple of hours and I was surprised that she still was as close as before. I did kiss her when I left and she was very tired but it really got me thinking especially as the weekend is closer.

If I still fancy this person (as I do) how can you do normal friend stuff when all you want to do is show affection? In my head this was the chance for her to come out and say she is still very confused and to make a plan for next week to discuss how things went and how she feels but it feels she is pulling back a bit. Maybe its different people - on thurs she was saying how she just is able to focus at work and not really think about the situation too much, whereas it is my almost every waking moment. Maybe her way of dealing with it is to just put it to one side? I was always very good at that but started to change a couple of years ago.

Typically I said to myself I would go cold today but she does message in morning and I respond. But have not replied to her last message an hour ago (small steps 😀). 

 

[Batya33]

Leave her inner thoughts, values etc to her therapist or her people -who the heck knows.  Focus on you on  your boundaries.  You cannot be a a true friend to her - or supportive of her relationship with her ex or whoever she chooses to date or try to date -when you are this attracted to her. Also you're giving her the benefit of being her comfy body pillow, her sounding board while she is sooooo "confused".  Oh and a chauffer for her daughter -what a lovely package deal.  

Please treat yourself better than this.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Inlove said:

 .Typically I said to myself I would go cold today but she does message in morning and I respond. But have not replied to her last message an hour ago

Hopefully you are coming to terms with the fact that she left for someone else.  Stalling replies doesn't really seem to do much except pretend that you are distancing yourself.

However as long as you entertain her so-called confusion in general, you'll be on the sidelines pondering why the women in your life cheat, choose someone else and why you're fine with that and being a part-timer in your relationships.

[Inlove]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Leave her inner thoughts, values etc to her therapist or her people -who the heck knows.  Focus on you on  your boundaries.  You cannot be a a true friend to her - or supportive of her relationship with her ex or whoever she chooses to date or try to date -when you are this attracted to her. Also you're giving her the benefit of being her comfy body pillow, her sounding board while she is sooooo "confused".  Oh and a chauffer for her daughter -what a lovely package deal.  

Please treat yourself better than this.

She was only half a mile away but 15 and walking home in the dark and wet. She is a lovely kid and we get on well and it was my decision as mum just told her to walk!! 

[Inlove]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you are coming to terms with the fact that she left for someone else.  Stalling replies doesn't really seem to do much except pretend that you are distancing yourself.

However as long as you entertain her so-called confusion in general, you'll be on the sidelines pondering why the women in your life cheat, choose someone else and why you're fine with that and being a part-timer in your relationships.

And that is a great summary. Had it been average and had she gone out and met someone fine. But the fact it was good and it was this ex and the way we have been since (all previous breaks have been clean) have just messed with my head a little. 

[boltnrun]

Once she and her ex are officially back together there will be no more cuddly TV nights. At least not with you. You would have to be completely fine with going over and sitting across the room while her current man is holding and cuddling her.

So, I wonder if he knows she's still having you over to give her attention and affection. Is he also willing to share her?

[Andrina]

As Dr. Phil said, Recent past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She might briefly get back together with her ex, but when the intrigue of newness wears off, he will dump her again.

You might think you've won when she uses you as a pacifying Band-Aid, which you will, with wishful thinking, believe that fate has worked to your benefit.

But her chemistry with you was never 100 percent. Once her ego boost has been satisfied you, it will eventually become less appealing over time. And then, when she meets a man through work or girls' nights outs, etc., who she shares a 100 percent spark with, this pattern of her wanting to explore that will pan out.

As earlier said by myself and others, if she was a caring person, she'd do a clean break and not put you in this horrible limbo. The rose-colored glasses you won't take off are blinding you to reality.

3 hours ago, Inlove said:

She was only half a mile away but 15 and walking home in the dark and wet. She is a lovely kid and we get on well and it was my decision as mum just told her to walk!! 

Another example of her being uncaring, and to her OWN CHILD, which you typed out and you think this woman is some prize. Yikes.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Inlove said:

on thurs she was saying how she just is able to focus at work and not really think about the situation too much, whereas it is my almost every waking moment.

Well, it makes sense. You didn't want this break-up and are desperate to stay in her life in some way. 

She is able to compartmentalize because she doesn't have the same sense of desperation or fear of loss hanging over her. She's got both you and her ex vying for her time and attention, so she's relaxed. She can pick whomever she wants here so she doesn't need to put things out of her mind, so to speak. That would suggest she is in pain, but she's clearly not. 

6 hours ago, Inlove said:

how can you do normal friend stuff when all you want to do is show affection?

You can't. You are seeing why that doesn't really work. 

6 hours ago, Inlove said:

In my head this was the chance for her to come out and say she is still very confused and to make a plan for next week

This why we have been telling you that staying close to her is not a good idea right now. It stings when these scenarios don't play out the way you hoped. Please reconsider being her surrogate boyfriend. 

[Inlove]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

 

Another example of her being uncaring, and to her OWN CHILD, which you typed out and you think this woman is some prize. Yikes.

To be fair that is not as bad as it sounds - she is not uncaring at all, she does a lot for her kids but we are both quite similar in the way we do things with them - I just am a bit softer with her DD, if that was my son he would have walked!!

[Inlove]

49 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Well, it makes sense. You didn't want this break-up and are desperate to stay in her life in some way. 

She is able to compartmentalize because she doesn't have the same sense of desperation or fear of loss hanging over her. She's got both you and her ex vying for her time and attention, so she's relaxed. She can pick whomever she wants here so she doesn't need to put things out of her mind, so to speak. That would suggest she is in pain, but she's clearly not. 

You can't. You are seeing why that doesn't really work. 

This why we have been telling you that staying close to her is not a good idea right now. It stings when these scenarios don't play out the way you hoped. Please reconsider being her surrogate boyfriend. 

You're right and I have already failed again. Went down to my local pub (in her village) - her son was serving (first shift) and I just messaged to say what a good job he was doing and a couple of messages later she walked down and had a drink with me. The downside was that I had 4 pints and no lunch so then got a bit teary. But, taking it as a lesson, it has told me that it is tough to be there as 'friends' so lesson learnt.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Inlove said:

. Went down to my local pub (in her village) she walked down and had a drink with me. The downside was that I had 4 pints and no lunch so then got a bit teary. 

Please stop stalking her and getting drunk it's self-destructive and self defeating.  

[Batya33]

Also remember her ex can figure out how to confront you. 

[MissCanuck]

42 minutes ago, Inlove said:

But, taking it as a lesson, it has told me that it is tough to be there as 'friends' so lesson learnt.

Yes, please take the lesson here. 

You are rubbing salt in your own wounds. 

[Inlove]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please stop stalking her and getting drunk it's self-destructive and self defeating.  

Err... I wasn't I have been drinking there for years, know the owners and staff, from well before us meeting. My son works there too (as does her son) and it was a nice day, had nothing on and had 4 pints. Did not know her son was behind the bar as he normally works a different day in kitchen. Really not sure how the hell that is stalking seeing as she came to the pub after I was there only as she knew I was there???

[Inlove]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, please take the lesson here. 

You are rubbing salt in your own wounds. 

Agree - in some ways I do wish she had just not shown interest in me after - at the moment I am trying to separate the gf/love thing from the "we actually get on well and had we met socially we would have been friends" vibe. Funnily enough we did almost meet last year as I was down pub and she was in there with a mutual friend for his birthday - we didn't speak as I was only there briefly and only spoke to my friend. 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She can pick whomever she wants

Or she doesn't have to pick at all!

She is wholly confident she has you firmly in her back pocket. So she can see the other man as often as she wants and have you around whenever he's not available or she wants attention from someone different (you). Win-win for her. For you? Not so much.

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Inlove said:

If I still fancy this person (as I do) how can you do normal friend stuff when all you want to do is show affection?

You can attempt to play friendzies and harm yourself further, or you can recognize that you are not her friend at this time, because friends operate as equals, they don't hold an agenda.

I would tell this woman that you are walking away while you both still think highly of one another. She's free to settle her old business, and you're sparing yourself from any need for a second breakup should she reconcile with her ex. She is welcome to contact you in the future should she find herself completely free and clear of all ties to a prior lover, both physically and emotionally, and she's healed and stabilized solo rather than reaching for a rebound. If you are still available at that point, maybe you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish her the best.

This leaves your door open a crack while liberating you to grieve and heal and formulate your own plans to cultivate your own future. Should ex ever contact you to reconcile, you'll have made the climb to your own higher ground, and you'll be far better positioned to make wise decisions from that place. This is a win/win, because should ex not contact you to reconcile, you'll have already made the headway in healing. You can't do that while orbiting her in stagnation.

Head high.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Inlove said:

I am trying to separate the gf/love thing from the "we actually get on well and had we met socially we would have been friends" vibe.

This is just not realistic right now.

You have to get real with yourself, man. It is not possible to try to be friends when you still have feelings for her. Maybe someday once you have moved on it could be possible, but at this time, it's a fool's errand. 

[Inlove]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You can attempt to play friendzies and harm yourself further, or you can recognize that you are not her friend at this time, because friends operate as equals, they don't hold an agenda.

I would tell this woman that you are walking away while you both still think highly of one another. She's free to settle her old business, and you're sparing yourself from any need for a second breakup should she reconcile with her ex. She is welcome to contact you in the future should she find herself completely free and clear of all ties to a prior lover, both physically and emotionally, and she's healed and stabilized solo rather than reaching for a rebound. If you are still available at that point, maybe you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish her the best.

This leaves your door open a crack while liberating you to grieve and heal and formulate your own plans to cultivate your own future. Should ex ever contact you to reconcile, you'll have made the climb to your own higher ground, and you'll be far better positioned to make wise decisions from that place. This is a win/win, because should ex not contact you to reconcile, you'll have already made the headway in healing. You can't do that while orbiting her in stagnation.

Head high.

Really good advice. And something that I think works for me as you say. It puts a clear line between us. 

[Inlove]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is just not realistic right now.

You have to get real with yourself, man. It is not possible to try to be friends when you still have feelings for her. Maybe someday once you have moved on it could be possible, but at this time, it's a fool's errand. 

Agree. That was bought home yesterday. 

[Inlove]

Well, I have avoided messaging, even though she wished me a good trip yesterday (away for two days). 
 

this has really hit home and become real, the ex is down for a few days and that has made this whole thing become real if that makes sense. It is tough thinking what she is doing and me being “replaced “. But it is what’s needed as feeling more “in control” and questioning a few things including if we stay friends. She is due to pop rounds weds after work and I guess that’s when I find out how the weekend has been. That will be the closure then i think. 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Inlove said:

Well, I have avoided messaging, even though she wished me a good trip yesterday (away for two days). 
 

this has really hit home and become real, the ex is down for a few days and that has made this whole thing become real if that makes sense. It is tough thinking what she is doing and me being “replaced “. But it is what’s needed as feeling more “in control” and questioning a few things including if we stay friends. She is due to pop rounds weds after work and I guess that’s when I find out how the weekend has been. That will be the closure then i think. 

What closure do you think you will get or what closure do you need? Isn't it closed and done -she is seeing her ex.  She doesn't want what you want.  Isn't that -done?  I'm sorry you're upset.  You can decrease the risks of being even more upset if you start being honest with yourself about your interactions with this woman.