Relationship over? Gutted - she still has feelings for ex - what now?

[boltnrun]

She will keep the both of you in her orbit if you allow it.

If you're fine with being her back-up/guy on the side or her secret that's certainly a choice you're allowed to make. 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, Inlove said:

She is due to pop rounds weds after work and I guess that’s when I find out how the weekend has been. That will be the closure then i think. 

What is it you expect her to say that will give you closure?

She has already ended your relationship and is effectively seeing her ex again. I don't get what more to need to hear to understand that your relationship with her is over. 

I know it's hard to let go and you're now scrambling for any sign of hope, but you have got to stop putting yourself through this. You will prolong your own pain (and your eventual healing) if you don't. 

[Inlove]

On 5/6/2024 at 5:15 PM, Batya33 said:

What closure do you think you will get or what closure do you need? Isn't it closed and done -she is seeing her ex.  She doesn't want what you want.  Isn't that -done?  I'm sorry you're upset.  You can decrease the risks of being even more upset if you start being honest with yourself about your interactions with this woman.

Simple, she took a while to end the relationship and it was a tough decision, made only because the itch of the ex would not go away if ignored. 
 

Then the stuff said last week, the nice messages, saying she was not excited about him coming down, that there were things that annoyed/concerned her. The whole point of meeting was to see if that spark is still there so 3 things could happen

1) the most likely imo. They met and felt like they had not been apart, it felt natural and with hindsight an easy decision to make and are going to build a future.

2) more confusion. It was good but she is still struggling with feelings for me. My counsellor thought this could be quite likely but I don’t. 
 

3) she did not have that spark she thought she would and realises what we had was stronger. Not that likely imo 

so yes, I have no idea how she is thinking. I could walk away now emotionally but what if it’s 3?

If she says 1) then that is it. She has chosen and is happy with that choice. Painful for me but easier for me to move on and the only issue is then when/how does a friendship issue arise. If 2) then I would have to tell her it needs to be 1) or 3). I can’t be in limbo anymore as it’s doing me in. If it’s 3) then initial joy followed by serious thinking like how do I know this won’t surface again etc. 

if I think about the odds I would say 70% 1), then 20-25% 2) then 5-10% for 3). That’s why I need her to tell me after the weekend they have had where her head is. That’s the closure I need, at the moment there is a small amount of doubt. Being told 1 gives that closure  

 

 

[Inlove]

On 5/6/2024 at 11:46 PM, boltnrun said:

She will keep the both of you in her orbit if you allow it.

If you're fine with being her back-up/guy on the side or her secret that's certainly a choice you're allowed to make. 

That’s not an option and not one she would choose either. 
 

[Inlove]

On 5/7/2024 at 6:17 AM, MissCanuck said:

What is it you expect her to say that will give you closure?

She has already ended your relationship and is effectively seeing her ex again. I don't get what more to need to hear to understand that your relationship with her is over. 

I know it's hard to let go and you're now scrambling for any sign of hope, but you have got to stop putting yourself through this. You will prolong your own pain (and your eventual healing) if you don't. 

I am realistic, as I put in a post just now, I know the odds are stacked against me. I need that hope to be extinguished and only she can tell me that after the weekend just gone. 

[MissCanuck]

What makes you think she’ll actually have made up her mind after the weekend? 

There’s every chance she still won’t have really have decided anything. You’re being too rigid about your expectations of this specific weekend. 

The biggest decision of all has already been made. She isn’t struggling with her choice to break up, because that’s already happened. You’re grasping desperately at straws, man. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What makes you think she’ll actually have made up her mind after the weekend? 

There’s every chance she still won’t have really have decided anything. You’re being too rigid about your expectations of this specific weekend. 

The biggest decision of all has already been made. She isn’t struggling with her choice to break up, because that’s already happened. You’re grasping desperately at straws, man. 

Yes and as far as you knowing she won't choose  the option of dangling both of you -or just you -as you wrote above -here's the thing -you also didn't think she'd pull this.  And once someone exits as she does -especially to be with an ex -you don't really know the person well anymore in that sense.  They're moving on living their own life, creating new and significant memories with someone else. I'm sorry.  "Holding on to hope" is cute in a movie and damaging to you physically and emotionally in this situation.  

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Inlove said:

That’s not an option and not one she would choose either. 
 

She's doing it now. Seeing him and also keeping you on the hook. 

[Kwothe28]

On 5/4/2024 at 1:18 PM, Inlove said:

If I still fancy this person (as I do) how can you do normal friend stuff when all you want to do is show affection?

You dont? That is why being friends is a horrible idea. You keep thinking she might backtrack on relationship is disingenuous to her because you dont want friendship, you want relationship. And she keeping you there shows that she is willing to keep you in her life even though she is aware of your feelings just because she maybe wants attention or to keep you in reserve. Which, as much as you think its a good thing, it really isnt. Because

a) It could take years before she finishes with her ex

b) why would you chase somebody for all that time when you can just move on to someone without all that baggage and someone who would also want to be with you right now?

So its a horrible idea to keep her in this capacity. I understand that you care for this woman. But she doesnt care for you in that capacity nore thinks about your needs. Otherwise she would let you go to be happy with somebody else instead of keeping you there. Hence why its you who need to take care of that and not be stuck with somebody like this.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Inlove said:

.2) more confusion. It was good but she is still struggling with feelings for me. My counsellor thought this could be quite likely but I don’t. 

4) They are sleeping together and bonding while you're pondering this. That's most likely otherwise they wouldn't be spending time together. Perhaps envision them having wild reunion sex if you want "closure"? 

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

4) They are sleeping together and bonding while you're pondering this. That's most likely otherwise they wouldn't be spending time together. Perhaps envision them having wild reunion sex if you want "closure"? 

Bingo!!

OP, I will say this with as much sensitivity and kindness as I can - stop being her "white knight" and a chump!

These are NOT qualities that inspire romantic attraction, chemistry OR passion which clearly she has with her ex - now boyfriend.

From what you have written, and despite your own feelings which I sense you are projecting to her, she never did!

If you don't care about your own self-respect think of how your actions here are being interpreted by her.

They spell lack of self respect, lack of self worth, lack of self love. To HER.

Don't get me wrong, she will appear on the surface to appreciate your willingness to lose yourself for her but it's self serving on her part.  

You're her safe haven, a shoulder to cry on, an ego boost.  

Jmo but she has very little if any respect for you.

How could she?  You don't respect yourself, if you did you would wish her well and walk away. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Inlove said:

...saying she was not excited about him coming down, that there were things that annoyed/concerned her.

This is the kind of $#*& that's sick. Who breaks up with someone then switches over to using that person as as an emotional outlet for talking about the one they're leapfrogging over to play with? And still contacts and cuddles that person they've just dumped? Don't you see how deranged that is?

8 hours ago, Inlove said:

I could walk away now emotionally but what if it’s 3?

This woman knows how to contact you long after you raise the boundary that you're walking way to heal your own head while she deals with her old business.

If you want to keep your door open to being her second-choice safety net if things don't work out with her ex, you can do that, but hopefully, you'll gain enough clarity through distance to recognize the resentment and lack of trust you'd likely grapple with in that event.

Speaking only for myself, all it would take for me to walk away cleanly is for someone to have told me that the chemistry between us is less than I imagined. Period. Regardless of whether an ex was back in the picture--that's not even something I'd need to know. Because I deserve better. And unfortunately, you don't want to comprehend that YOU deserve better, and so you're hovering around this woman as though that will buy you more than demonstrating self respect by walking away and telling her to keep her drama.

[Inlove]

So, after a week of sitting in the fence, I have walked away. 
 

it was tough as their weekend was just “ok” and there was a couple of things that annoyed her about him. She said that she missed me lots and yes we kissed. The next night I went round and had the most amazing sex we have had and I was hopeful. But what killed it was him coming down next weekend. It was that told me enough is enough. 
 

how long could this go on for? What if it’s just fine then too. She keeps saying she could see a future with either but I don’t even know if she knows what the end goal looks like. At least if she said she would go for the bigger bank balance that’s a logical decision. But I can’t face another weekend of feeling like i did. If the time we spent together the other day doesn’t prove it for her then what will? 
 

what i needed was to get to this decision myself. But in the end I had to give an ultimatum, choose me now or let’s leave it, I feel I have been patient and fair. 
 

So it will be tough now, miss her dreadfully and despite everything there is no hate. As for staying friends, in theory I would 100% but that will take ages for me to stop feeling this way so that will have to take a back seat too. 

[boltnrun]

I think she would have continued on this way for as long as both men allowed it. Good on you for having enough self respect to not play the "please, please pick me!!!" game. 

[LotusBlack]

On 4/26/2024 at 12:07 AM, Batya33 said:

I’d rephrase. She has chosen to react to her feelings by meeting with her ex to comparison shop and by sharing with you that her way of taking her emotional temperature is to compare the strength of her feelings for you to those she felt in the past for her  ex. So please know even if you win “the prize” you’ll need a really strong stomach each time she seems distant or you wonder hmmmm do I still measure up ?? Anyone who makes it this sort of competition and is tacky enough to share it with her partner likely is a poor choice for any sort of long term partner.  Doubts weren’t “created” - she is acting on her feeling for her ex by telling you she’s gonna test them out by meeting with him. So like if an attractive woman caught your eye and you felt a strong spark it’s ok to tell her that and tell her you know what you need to meet that lady for coffee to see if you feel as strong a spark for your partner but you know it’s ok because you know you feel chemistry with your partner but now that you see some other green grass you’re just gonna check if it’s greener. You’ll let her know the results and she should hang out and wait to see if she makes the grade. 

All of this. ☝🏼

[LootieTootie]

Some people love being wanted by multiple people... Even if she claims she doesn't, its selfish and hurtful to the other parties.

I'm glad you came to senses and decided this isn't for you.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Inlove said:

. She said that she missed me lots and yes we kissed. The next night I went round and had the most amazing sex we have had and I was hopeful. But what killed it was him coming down next weekend. 

Does he know about you and especially this part?  Be glad you're making decisions for yourself and not being the backup plan.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I believe you will thank yourself in time.

[MissCanuck]

I'm glad you are going to leave her behind you. 

This was too messy and your head is catching up to your heart now. It just wasn't in the cards for this to continue. You will feel better in time. 

[Inlove]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he know about you and especially this part?  Be glad you're making decisions for yourself and not being the backup plan.

Not from last week although knew about the walk. At the start he didn’t really think we were that serious but now knows it was. 

[Inlove]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm glad you are going to leave her behind you. 

This was too messy and your head is catching up to your heart now. It just wasn't in the cards for this to continue. You will feel better in time. 

Don’t get me wrong, my heart thinks about her all the time but it’s this 2nd weekend. Surely the first was good enough to decide. Was happy to be flexible and open for a bit but enough is enough. Thanks for the support. 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Inlove said:

my heart thinks about her all the time but it’s this 2nd weekend. Surely the first was good enough to decide.

And she's decided she doesn't want to stop seeing him, even if that comes at the expense of losing you. 

You are worth more than this, as you now realize. It will take time to get her out of your system, but when you do, I think you will feel lighter and more confident about letting this go. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@InloveI just had a chance to catch up and I was really happy to read that you've decided to walk way.  Smart move and I know it wasn't easy!

I would however like to respond to an earlier post of yours in case you ever find yourself in the same or similar situation where you're considering remaining "friends" with a woman who is "confused" and essentially dumped you to return to an EX.

On 5/3/2024 at 7:13 AM, Inlove said:

I mean, people come back from lots of things. One couple I know split for 6 months and got back, another was punched by partner (not excusing that at all) but they worked it out after a few months and 5 years later are very happy and then there are the many that have affairs and work it out...

Yes it's very true, couples DO get back together.  However, typically such couples do NOT remain "friends" with each other after the break up. 

The best advice is to go 100% no contact after a break up, mostly for YOU so you can move on and heal but also for the other person so they can experience life without you in it.

If you are still in her life being her "friend," she doesn't have an opportunity to think about you, wonder about you, miss you!  And again experience life without you in it.

Which is how some people find clarity, by being without the person.

So those couples you mentioned that got back together, did they remain friends while broken up?  Or did they part ways and go no contact only to realize a few months later how much they love, value and miss their now-ex?   

Distance is needed here, not more togetherness as a pseudo friend or otherwise.

Anyway, that's for next time since you've decided to walk away and I wish you the best of luck on your journey forward!🙂

 

[boltnrun]

Be prepared, she may try to lure you back with extravagant promises and declarations of love. She might not like losing you as a fan/option. If she's truly sincere she'd completely cut off the other man and focus solely on you. Not be going back and forth like a seesaw. 

[Inlove]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@InloveI just had a chance to catch up and I was really happy to read that you've decided to walk way.  Smart move and I know it wasn't easy!

I would however like to respond to an earlier post of yours in case you ever find yourself in the same or similar situation where you're considering remaining "friends" with a woman who is "confused" and essentially dumped you to return to an EX.

Yes it's very true, couples DO get back together.  However, typically such couples do NOT remain "friends" with each other after the break up. 

The best advice is to go 100% no contact after a break up, mostly for YOU so you can move on and heal but also for the other person so they can experience life without you in it.

If you are still in her life being her "friend," she doesn't have an opportunity to think about you, wonder about you, miss you!  And again experience life without you in it.

Which is how some people find clarity, by being without the person.

So those couples you mentioned that got back together, did they remain friends while broken up?  Or did they part ways and go no contact only to realize a few months later how much they love, value and miss their now-ex?   

Distance is needed here, not more togetherness as a pseudo friend or otherwise.

Anyway, that's for next time since you've decided to walk away and I wish you the best of luck on your journey forward!🙂

 

I am not too sure on those friends. Both were living apart for a bit but bith sets had kids together so there would always be contact.