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LotusBlack

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LotusBlack last won the day on April 3 2021

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  1. You and her are not a couple but just dating and have the intention to keep it casual. In addition, she is leaving shortly. Despite the fact you don’t like to multi-date, you are not exclusive and she has no right to be upset with you and expect you to behave as an exclusive boyfriend would. Furthermore, she is able to date other women if she wishes to, so it is a double standard. I think the woman you are dating is emotionally immature and short-sighted. I would move on from her because even though you said you are both mature enough not to cause professional issues due to your romantic involvement, she is already doing so. You are trying to assist your new colleague and the woman you are dating is taking issue. I would strongly advise you to stop involving yourself with her immediately because she clearly WILL make issues at work if you progress further in your involvement, because she already is.
  2. 👆🏼This, exactly. Women have instincts too and naturally notice things as men do, but the number of women to notably ogle men is significantly smaller than men - so much so that society qualifies the act by saying “men are visual creatures” so people should more or less tolerate distasteful activity. So, I don’t believe for one second that it is primal nature to leer at an attractive person; it is a choice to look at someone in such a way as to make them or others uncomfortable and if someone else notices the look, then it is clearly not discrete enough to be decent. The onus is on the “looker” to develop discretion so as not to make others feel a negative way about it. Sindy clearly recognised her date’s indiscreet leer and he was aware enough of it to state it was a bad habit he needed to correct, so clearly it is not a problem with Sindy’s view of it, but rather a problem with her date’s behaviour.
  3. I don’t really think it is important whether others - or even yourself - think it’s too strict. It’s irrelevant, really, because it makes you uncomfortable. There are some things that people do earnestly need to practice being more tolerant about and learning to be a bit more flexible on, but this type of habit is not one of those things. Rather than you developing the skill to not be offended or put off by a partner who leers at women, the expectation should be on the partner to develop the skill not to do it. As others have said, there is a rather significant difference between objectively recognising that someone is aesthetically pleasing while having a cursory glance as you/they walk by because they happen to be in your line of vision, and blatantly undressing someone with your eyes - even if only for a second or two. The former is casually recognising someone’s attractiveness and the latter is actively objectifying them in a sexual, almost predatory way. I strongly believe that it is quite easy to see the difference in someone’s eyes/expression, even if they look for but a moment. It is that that puts you off, not the length of time they looked. Regardless, if it puts you off, it is irrelevant whether it is considered too strict or not. P.S. I once had a boyfriend that I had been dating for a couple of months when we went to a social get-together one night. A girlfriend of mine was there and quite the stunner. My boyfriend had met her a number of times before, but she was dressed up for the occasion. It was for a only a moment, but when he saw her outfit, he looked her up and down appreciatively right in front of me and it induced a visceral reaction in me that was a combination of disgust and offence at the disrespect - for both me AND my girlfriend. I should have ended things with him right there and then. To be fair, he never did it again and I never spoke to him about it, but the lack of consideration towards me in that moment was an indicator of the lack of care in other areas of our relationship that would follow and we broke up 11 months in.
  4. Is there a chance they could be obsessive intrusive thoughts? When I was younger, because I have severe emetaphobia (fear of nausea and vomiting) my mind used to ruminate on the most vile things because I was so afraid of being sick that that’s all I could think about. My mind would throw image upon image of the most horrific massacres, etc. - the stuff of nightmares that would induce anyone to nausea, and I couldn’t escape the thoughts. I didn’t actually want to imagine those scenes by any stretch and it mostly only got to me when I was away from my home because that’s when I would become most anxious with my phobia (being outside = no control of my environment). With a lot of time and hard work, I was able to get out of that situation and function pretty well back in the world again. All this to say that sometimes when you’re worried or afraid of something, your kind can zero in on it with a fierce focus that sometimes has you questioning yourself. Due to your experience of seeing women in your family and life being abused/assaulted do you think perhaps you are afraid you might be the same and so your mind is playing tricks on you/ruminating on that which it is afraid of? In any case, I would seek therapy from a licensed psychologist who specialises in trauma and behavioural issues to help get to the root of why you fantasise about taking control of women in a violent non-consensual way. You may yet have a happy relationship based on love, respect, and consensual intimacy with the right kind of guidance and help. Best of luck, OP!
  5. I sometimes still wonder about KnightMan who wrote a post several years ago about his cheating wife. We all liked him so much as he was a really upstanding guy and many of us looked forward to his updates. I was thinking about it just this morning and where he is in the world - if he ended up getting serious with that nice lady he met some time after his divorce.
  6. Sometimes people use this line of questioning or statements to fish for information indirectly; to get an idea about someone’s status or level of interest without exposing themselves if they themselves are interested. I’m not saying this is the case in this particular situation, but I have seen it many many times.
  7. This isn’t about it being anyone’s “job”. It’s simply about getting to know her new colleagues and taking the initiative to integrate since there may be an opportunity for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It isn’t offensive in any way for Kim to bring it up and make plans since she got the idea from her colleague. She doesn’t have to do anything, though, if she’d prefer not to. But nor is it wrong to initiate a get-together to meet colleagues and make friends; there’s no rule against Kim inviting the others out. I’d consider it to be a very friendly and lovely thing to do if I were one of her colleagues. But, each to their own and we can agree to disagree. 🙂
  8. OP, I don’t see this as a marry/not marry question, but rather a matter of whether you should stay together or separate. I think if you get married (provided that is what you decide you want at some point), you are able to still keep finances separate so her bad money management doesn’t impact you. In your shoes, I would sit down with her and have an open, honest conversation about how you feel in the relationship and that in order to continue it and even be able to consider a potential future marriage, you need for her to have her health further investigated. What you need from her is to have a full, thorough assessment for bipolar disorder, and if she is assessed as having it, follow through with an appropriate management plan with the relevant healthcare specialists/providers. Once that happens and is consistent and you can both get a real understanding of her behavior after that, then you can see where the relationship is headed. Until then, it is hard for you to make any informed decisions about your relationship (unless you have reached that point where maintaining a relationship no matter the situation is no longer what you want). If she is unwilling, then you may consider this relationship unable to continue. This is not an ultimatum, just where you stand on the matter (if that is how you feel); it may be a dealbreaker issue.
  9. I agree that they should have discussed it with you, particularly if you had been dating a while; however, to play devil’s advocate for a minute - you had been dating a while yet you were still at that level of anxiousness and shyness despite this. You could have also communicated with them that you suffered from such extreme levels of it as to impact how people perceived you - even after dating for some time. So, to this end, I think you equally matched these men’s level of insecurity. Of course, you are self aware enough to recognise that now and to have worked on and grown from those insecurities. OP- Kim, as I have said in your other threads, so much can be avoided just by direct, clear communication. In your shoes, I’d send him a message/email to again thank him for reaching out to you to grab coffee and that it would be great to go out for those drinks with your colleagues and then perhaps suggest a potential time/date if it is convenient for everyone else. By suggesting a time it then leaves no room for ambiguity. He follows it up with a positive response or a negative/vague/non-committal response. Either way, you understand where you stand. It also doesn’t expose you in any kind of vulnerable way romantically speaking, and would, in fact, be a great way for you to meet some co-workers and network/build friendships.
  10. If they admitted they were insecure and immature then that is how they feel; however, I don’t think that they were necessarily playing games or were actually insecure/ immature. They might have felt your level of apparent disinterest was a red flag they didn’t want to exhaust any more energy on. Additionally, whilst ghosting is never great, they likely felt contact (even to say they didn’t want to pursue anything further with you) would be unwarranted - perhaps even unwelcome - given your seeming disinterest. Conversely, by the same token that you were better off without them, they were better off without you at that time given your anxiety and shyness which led them to misunderstand your interest level. You have now grown and would no longer present as a red flag in that area and perhaps they are different now too.
  11. I think this is a bit of a rough and presumptuous assumption. I went on a first meet about a week ago and the guy asked me out again and said he could usually get a pretty good read on whether a woman was interested in him or not but with me he couldn’t (that was because I was undecided about my level of interest as well). So, although this guy did voice that at the time - to his credit - a lot of men do in fact feel uncertain and apprehensive. Rainbow gave an uninterested vibe despite her actual interest and the men could only work with what she gave them, so they cut their losses. Historically, men have been tasked with the role of getting the women but I think this has been disproportionately imbalanced and unfair. I think it is equal responsibility of both parties to be clear and open about their interest and intention.
  12. Not true. I always insist on paying my own way and I have zero social media except Facebook - and even then, I only have close friends and family on my list. I actually feel incredibly uncomfortable if a guy insists on paying for me. Also, like Batya, I personally know 3-4 couples who met on dating apps who are now either married and/or own a property together with kids. And this is over the last several years. I also met, married, and had a child with someone I met on a dating app. We didn’t last, unfortunately, but we set out with good intentions.
  13. This is the thing I really don’t get about partners who leave a relationship like this: why wait until things get bad and they’re already emotionally over before one spouse then cheats or cuts and runs? If, in my relationship, I started to see cracks or my feelings were changing, I’d be straight on it to mitigate further risk and damage. I’d be acknowledging the issue head on so the relationship doesn’t deteriorate beyond repair. OP, when you first started noticing that you were distancing yourself emotionally from your wife, why did you not have a conversation with her about it and put in place a plan of action to try to prevent the relationship from falling apart? That is what we promise to do in our vows when we first get married. And, if after all is said and done and the relationship cannot be saved after all despite preventative measures, then of course seek a way to amicably separate. But why wait until nothing can be done and the other partner is hit suddenly with the unexpected reality that their relationship is over before they even knew there was a problem?
  14. I second all this. I went on a first meet several days ago. It was a lovely meeting but I felt zero romantic chemistry. At the beginning and end he hugged me without asking and I went along with it as it wasn’t worth causing a scene or embarrassing him but I did not feel comfortable at all. He even called me out on the goodbye hug because I was very loose with it and I had to explain that I’m not a huggy person - which is true, especially with someone I don’t really know. In your case, OP, maybe she went along with the kisses and actively participated in them in the moment because she felt put in a position when you initiated. I’d have likely done the same even though I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable. When my meet-up ended, my match said he’d love to see me again because he had a great time. I got home and thought about it for the rest of the day. I went back and forth between going on a first date and giving it a chance or ending it at the first meet. Ultimately, I sent him a message saying I had a nice time and he was a lovely person but that I felt we had more of a friend vibe. I thanked him for his time and consideration and wished him all the best. He never acknowledged it, but that’s fine. I recognised that if I felt this uncertain about going on a first date, then there was no hope for the relationship anyway. I think her lack of response is the answer you have. Also, try to remember that although you might have had a great first date, that doesn’t mean the other person automatically did too. I had a lovely time but knew from the second I saw him walking towards me that it wasn’t going to be the right match for me.
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