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LotusBlack

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LotusBlack last won the day on April 3 2021

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  1. I haven’t read any of the responses, so I have no idea what points have been made, but I felt compelled to respond promptly. Honestly, you are not guilt-free, but I also think you were not of sound mind to give informed consent. I have lived in Japan before for years and I am fully aware of how things often occur in bars there and I have the very strong feeling you were taken advantage of. Again, you are responsible for your alcohol consumption and put yourself in a vulnerable position by becoming deliberately impaired and that was your responsibility, but I think there was a bit of calculating done on the part of the girl who very deliberately approached you with a nefarious agenda. It happens a lot. If she didn’t ask for money and went unprotected, she may have been trying to get pregnant with the highly sort after “hafu” baby (based on the assumption she was Japanese and you…not, which may not be true). Perhaps that wasn’t the case, but even if it was just for sex, a drunk person cannot give informed consent. What she drunk too? It isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card and you played a part in what happened by drinking as you did, but I think it is significant and should be part of the conversation with your gf.
  2. Such a cop out. Although it is important to have clarity in such a situation by discussing it, the implication was obvious and the nature of your relationship clear, if unspoken. It’s offensive and bs when a partner uses semantics or technicalities to gaslight their way through their immorality, particularly when they are aware of what the other party likely is under the impression of.
  3. He already gave you a second chance as this is the second time you have cheated on him. OP, I’m sorry but I say this with respect - you are not emotionally mature enough at this stage to be in a committed, exclusive relationship because you are aware enough of yourself that you know you lack self control and the ability to make sound decisions when drunk, yet you keep putting yourself in the position of becoming vulnerable to making bad choices. If someone told you to do something against your moral values while drunk, such as break into someone’s house and steal their valuables, would you? If the answer is yes, then you need to choose not to drink. If the answer is no, then that tells you a lot about how committed you really are to your partner and relationship. If cheating is something that does not align with your values then even drunk, you wouldn’t be making the choice to betray your partner. People here are not making you feel bad, they are offering you very real advice and answers you don’t want to hear. It is a hard truth, but you need to mature and take the consequences of your choices and actions. If someone murders another while they are drunk (such as drunk driving) the court doesn’t just say, “that’s okay, you can have a second chance because you were drunk.” No, your murder charge might result in a lesser degree/manslaughter and sentence but you still need to do the time. Please respect your ex’s feelings. Your choice was to drink and put yourself in a position that would lead to cheating, and his choice was to end the relationship as a consequence because you have shown him that the second chance he already gave you was not valued or respected. The age-old adage goes, “Fool me once, shame of you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. He made the right choice to end it. I expected to read that you were 18 not 26; you need to sit and really think about the lifestyle choices you are making at the moment. Note: I once knew a man who did not drink alcohol. One day someone asked him if he was a recovering alcoholic. He said, “No. I don’t drink, because I never want to become one.” He was aware enough of himself at a very young age that he’d noticed he often downed glass after glass of normal (non-alcoholic) drinks without realising how much he’d consumed. He realised that that presented a very real potential to be dangerous if he was unable to keep track of alcoholic drinks. So at 18 he decided to never touch a drop in order to prevent himself from becoming an alcoholic or drunk and putting himself in a vulnerable position. Perhaps you should do the same.
  4. This 👆🏼OP! All really great points/questions. My sister lived together with her ex until the children were teens, though they broke up when they were small. Neither of them dated during that time as per their agreement. It was the most toxic, destabilising environment for all involved. It’s the worst idea and will ruin your children’s healthy memories of the family of four you previously were. You say you don’t feel comfortable with applying for full custody despite the fact your ex is struggling, but I would at least make an appointment with a licensed therapist for your ex and you to attend together to learn how to/to navigate co-parenting. It is not for the purpose of counselling your relationship and relationship breakdown - do that in an individual counselling session - but to discuss in a safe space with guidance by a professional the process of co-parenting and the new family dynamic.
  5. I have only read the first page not the second and third, so this might have been mentioned on those pages, but I don’t think what you expressed was remotely similar and I think on a subconscious level you knew that too at the time. As such, I think you said exactly what you meant: that you have strong feelings for her. That doesn’t automatically mean you are falling in love yet, though. In my opinion, such as it is, people who feel the same thing in any context, tend to mirror each other, and it is so natural for one to respond in kind with similar wording, in this case, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” a natural response would be, “I think I’m falling in love with you too.” or, “me too”, “I feel the same” etc. But, what you said was something that doesn’t easily fall off the tongue in a mirrored response. Rather, it is specifically avoidant of agreement to the same degree. You also have to go out of your way to phrase your response so as not to create a misunderstanding of where exactly you’re at. Now, these thoughts and the process of this information happens so fast that I think it wasn’t a conscious choice to word things that way. I think you expressed exactly how you felt on a subconscious level and what you expressed was strong feelings for her without quite being in the direct realm of love at that point. Your gf didn’t say she loved you but was falling in love with you. I think it is quite possible to be at that stage in 3 months. That you were not at the same stage as her perhaps highlighted to her that you might never develop stronger feelings than greatly liking her. Perhaps she just cut her losses because it is quite normal for people to gauge fairly early on in a relationship if it has the potential for love to develop. There is nothing wrong with how you felt about her, but there was also nothing wrong with her deciding to end things. Whether your response was cold or not is a matter of opinion and context matters. We weren’t there so don’t know the tone or the manner in which you spoke. You were free to express your feelings the way you wanted and she was free to do the same and she chose to end things. I suggest next time when someone tells you something important, you stop for a second to consider your response rather than just speaking without thought.
  6. Yeah, my sister just spent over $100,000 on her wedding a few months ago (they don’t want kids and have that kind of money to spend), but she married him in secret days before the wedding with just 2 witnesses by the beach and only had the wedding for other people. In contrast, I got married at a beautiful registry office with my closest friends and then shouted them all to dinner at a wonderful restaurant where everyone had a great time. I think we spent about $500 in total. Being that we are now divorced, I’m glad I didn’t spend more than that. Despite the end result, I still have the memories of a brilliant day that I wouldn’t change.
  7. Also, I know people have expectations for their weddings and often have this image in their minds about what it will look like, but if you’re not too attached to that, perhaps consider going a little more simple or doing a lot of it yourself to save on money if you are experiencing a lot of finance anxiety. A lot of people forget that a wedding really boils down to just one day; it’s the rest of your life that follows that really matters and many of the married couples I know, while thinking fondly of their wedding day, often really don’t consider it/think back on it that much once they are married. So, I think a lot of people focus on it until they are married and then often think about how they could have used their money more practically in hindsight, But, for some people the wedding day is very important in terms of how it happens,:so do what you feel will make you happy. It really is possible to do both - have a child and have a low-budget wedding that is still just as beautiful if you plan it right. However, as Seraphim said, it is nice to enjoy being a married couple for a bit first (maybe a year or two) before having kids because it really does change everything forever. FYI, I was 7 months pregnant when I got married (not why I got married/not shotgun wedding) and my ceremony was super low-key and no reception, just my important people at a lovely dinner afterwards and it was the best! I would have liked to have a year or two with my husband before we had kids but that just isn’t how it turned out. Having a child was too much on our new marriage and he also wasn’t a wonderful human being, so we are now divorced, and a lot of it had to do with too much as once. So, I’d avoid doing them both at the same time, in your shoes.
  8. I’m so sorry you have been through this experience. What a gaslighting, horrible human being he is. My first serious boyfriend was also the man I lost my virginity to and without me realising, the first time we were together (my first time with anyone) he removed the condom during sex and I did not realise that until it was too late and I never gave my consent for that. He, I knew, had been a very promiscuous person and I was so angry at what he could have exposed me to. I lived in fear for the next 3 months until all tests came back negative for everything. I have only ever been with a partner I am in an exclusive relationship with but since the first time, I now never allow a thing to occur unless and until my partner has been tested for everything, even if it means having to wait 3 months to make sure all results are accurate. I don’t even have cold sores as a result. I'm so sorry you were treated the way you were. He has no love or respect for you, no consideration or care, so I think there is no way this relationship can move forward, as the necessary foundation, which is built on the above qualities, does not exist.
  9. I’m sorry you experienced that. I also felt things were a bit intense towards you as well. I don’t get the impression the guy you’re interested in is a liar or that he isn’t interested in you. I do think the obstacles are too big for you both to have the necessary level of desire and commitment to overcome them, but that isn’t a punishable offence by any stretch. Head high and follow you intuition.
  10. Actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb, not just a noun. Saying he loves you is easy, showing he loves you is a different matter and he is not showing he loves you. In fact, what he is showing you is that he doesn’t even like you. I wouldn’t even treat my friends the way he is treating you. I wish my friends happy birthday. I spend time with my friends (well, I did before I was a single mother in a rural town). The point is, your boyfriend actively avoids spending time with you, does not acknowledge your relationship needs, doesn’t invest in the relationship and puts no effort in. He just sits back and allows things to happen because he can’t be bothered moving away from it or engaging/actively contributing to it [the relationship]. Regardless of your thoughts about another person (your friend), I’d end things with your boyfriend because the relationship is not progressing/moving forward.
  11. Sounds to me like her motivation for considering kids is solely based on not losing you. In my opinion, that is not a good enough reason to have kids. I wanted kids desperately and worked with kids as an au pair and pre-school teacher. I am significantly younger than my sister who had children young, so I spent my entire teenage years and young adulthood babysitting and, at times, helping raise kids, so I am well aware of what is involved. But, even with all that experience behind me, and all that desire for a child, I find it significantly challenging to raise my toddler. I had him at 33 and am now 37. I struggle with DMS (depleted mothers syndrome), which is an incredibly serious condition where the ‘demands on the mother (or primary carer) increase, and her resources decrease. As a result of this imbalance, the mother’s emotional sensitivity to both internal, and external triggers becomes heightened.’ (https://therapybeyondthecouch.com/depleted-mother-syndrome-dms-what-it-is-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/) This can lead to a number of serious results, such as the carer becoming uncharacteristically aggressive towards the child, depressed, thoughts of self-harm, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, etc. A parent has to really really be committed to a child and have the desire to have that child to be able to overcome (and to want to overcome) the challenge that is raising children and the fact that, for a significant period of time, a parent (usually the mother or primary carer) has pretty much zero autonomy and does not belong to themselves. It is not a sacrifice but a choice. Like if you love both vanilla and chocolate ice cream and have to choose one flavour or the other - say you choose chocolate, you don’t sit there thinking how you had to sacrifice the vanilla in order to eat the chocolate. No, you think that you simply chose the chocolate because that is what you wanted more. Having children is the same. You might give some things up to have them but it is not a sacrifice it is a choice between two things and you chose the one you wanted more. When you have a child out of fear of sacrificing something else that you want more, then that is not a good enough foundation upon which one should build their family and choose parenthood. All the challenges become too challenging and resentment builds up and the child suffers the consequences. I very much do not agree with the notion that she cannot pin point why she doesn’t want children. She has, several times. It doesn’t have to be because of some trauma and fear that is holding her back; it can simply be because one lacks the desire to dedicate their life to and prioritise a child over their own life. There is nothing wrong with wanting to prioritise ones self over a child when that person then chooses not to have a child. The problem is when one has a child when they still wish to prioritise their own life first. Nothing but the fiercest desire to be a parent should drive a person to be a parent. I’d think many times over about what you’re potentially considering here.
  12. She likely didn’t say not to spend it on you, she told him to spend it for himself. There is a huge difference there in intention. Although, in practice, it amounts to the same end result, the intention is very different. The former is to suggest the express exclusion of you with the intention being to exclude you. The latter has an aim of the son getting something nice for himself on one of his most important days in his life. The former is all about being malicious for the sake of being malicious and the latter is all about spoiling her son a little on an important day. Very very different scenarios. I suspect your FMIL has not done a single thing up until now with the express intention of being malicious towards you but you are determined to bend the narrative to be so regardless of the reality. I imagine my toddler when he is an adult and if he chooses to get married, I might do such a thing as giving him a little monetary gift to splurge on himself just because I love him, not because I want to go out of my way to exclude his partner. Just because he is getting married doesn’t mean I can no-longer gift my child. A mother is always going to be a mother and the marriage of her child to another shouldn’t change her being a mother still. That does not mean that mothering includes babying. A mother should adjust what her mothering looks like to reflect the age and stage of her child. One day, you may have the perspective of a mother and I suspect that only then will you understand what all us mothers are saying. FYI, my ex-husband also received a money gift from his parents for us when we were getting married and we put it towards some furniture when we moved into our marital home. It was for the both of us, but my husband told me that should we ever split then that furniture would be his because the money came from his parents. So, the problem was my husband and not the parents. Perhaps the problem lies with your partner and not his mother.
  13. It is the responsibility of a person to choose a partner who is already the way a person wants their partner to be. Meaning they are compatible from the beginning. The problem with all the people you know who are with men who are “mamma’s boys” is that they have prematurely and immaturely chosen a partner they want to change. The issue is with them, not the “mamma’s boys” who, in reality, haven’t changed at all and have shown who they are from the beginning. Eventually, they will figure out no one wants to be with them if they come as a mother-son package deal and then it will be up to them as to whether that situation remains to suit them or not. It’s no skin off of any one else’s noses because they can simple skip by these men and choose a man who is ready to be without his mother. Do better at picking a partner who is already the person you want to be with and not somebody you feel you need to change. The onus is on you, not them.
  14. I just wanted to make sure you know that all the comments above, based on my experience with the posters over an long period of time, are not intended to shame casual sex and hookups, though it may come across that way if you are reading them for the first time. Most of us here think that each person has the right to participate in activities like this without judgment from others. What most are concerned about is your lack is responsible decision making and how you went about engaging in intimate activity. You put yourself at unnecessary and great risk based on an assumption that this man was on the level and decent. Not a single thing he has done demonstrated any level of decency or good judgment and the both of you declaring feelings of love so prematurely suggests a lack of emotional maturity. If you want to have casual encounters, develop your emotional maturity more so that you can make informed, responsible choices.
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