LotusBlack

It definitely is possible, but not the case for most people, in my experience, which is why I was careful to say 'generally'. There isn't anything inherently wrong with how he has behaved and I don't think - based on the info we have at present - that he is a bad guy or acting on a nefarious agenda. All I am saying, is it would make me feel uneasy and give me pause. It may be a feeling that can be overcome in due course, in which case, great. Or, the feeling could slowly intensify. Only time will tell. I wish OP all the best going forward and echo other comments advising to not make any hasty decisions (regarding moving) - maybe do a few weekends here and there where you each visit each other and get a feel for what a potential relationship could be like and then from that you can decide the nature of your relationship. If things do progress into a relationship, I think a good idea would be to date long-distance with frequent visits for some time before deciding on whether either one of you moving is the best choice for you and your relationship - a transition period, if you will. Good luck!

I also feel uneasy about the fact he helped you through your grief whilst being interested in you romantically. Someone who has feelings generally cannot operate purely on a platonic basis. I don’t mean to say he was manipulating the situation intentionally, but I do feel it was inappropriate to be the one helping you through this great loss when he held such romantic feelings. It would give me pause even if there was no agenda.

@rainbowsandroses And to add to Kwothe’s comment - the doctor DID, in fact, seek help as soon as he could. You may have missed it in your harsh judgement, but he sought help to deal with his depression and is now on the appropriate medication - keep in mind that it often take weeks or more for antidepressants to start working effectively; it isn’t instant. He also informed the hospital that he would be taking time off - he just wasn’t able to tell them how long he’d need. Maybe he didn’t know how long. Maybe he didn’t expect to be hit so hard with the loss and trauma (if that’s what he has undergone). This man’s family member didn’t just die, it seems he was murdered (shot twice and arrived at the hospital already having passed). Imagine being a doctor working on shift and being informed that your uncle had come in and was already dead. That’s trauma on top of loss. It seems OP may have known this from the get-go given the fact the uncle was taken to their hospital when it happened. I think a little grace under these circumstances is warranted and I certainly wouldn’t be questioning a man’s intent after such an experience because I would not be expecting that he is prioritising a dating situation over what has clearly been a consuming grief from a sudden loss. I lost my mother as the direct result of medical negligence. But I know not all doctors are terrible and so try not to project my issues onto others’ situations. Having said all that, OP is well within her rights to walk away if this situation is a dealbreaker for her. She has to be happy with her own choices and if this doesn’t work for her regardless of the circumstances in which they occurred, well, that’s her prerogative. Anyways, I’ve said my piece and I’m out.

Not everyone reacts to grief the same way. You cannot measure how someone else should process loss by the way you process loss. You are different people. I also did not read anywhere where someone said OP should blindly trust this man. However, context matters, and taking offence at someone going quiet during a challenging time (which she has indicated she believes to have happened) seems very premature and with something like this it isn’t personal, especially when they are not too well acquainted. OP has every right to wonder about the status of their involvement, but how she has communicated it on this forum shows lack of empathy and consideration. I’d find that a red flag if I were this man. Also prudent to mention is that OP herself has indicated she believes him and that all is above board regarding what occurred and his sincere apology. Given that, I, personally, don’t feel much consideration was given in this scenario. I’m sorry, but doctors are human beings and have every right to take time off to deal with a death. Patients will be receiving care by another physician during this time. At no point did OP say the clinic or hospital hadn’t necessarily been informed. He may not have turned up for work and other employees may not have known why, but that doesn’t automatically mean the appropriate people didn’t know. But, each to their own and if OP doesn’t gel with his communication style during this type of situation, then she has the prerogative to choose not to move forward.

Agree to disagree.

^^ This! 100%. I do not think that his behaviour in this specific instance is at all an indicator of potential future behaviour in general. Deaths are not common occurrences in one’s life (usually) and I would not be upset if my loved one or an acquaintance closed them/him/herself off from the world to deal with it whilst they also seek help for their mental health, as he proactively did. Once he was back on track, he explained himself. But, for 1 month of dating and perhaps not an exclusive relationship(?) at that point he doesn’t owe you anything other than an explanation since he wishes to continue your involvement. Your concern has been about you and what his silence potentially meant about your relationship, which you took great offence to despite knowing a death in his life occurred; your concern was not about him and giving this near virtual stranger time and space whilst he goes through a difficult time. Case in point - your title is “should I give him a second chance?” not “how can I best support a grieving man I recently started dating?”.

I was in the same situation once in terms of drugs being a deal breaker and then finding out my boyfriend was the local weed dispensary on campus, but he never felt the need to disclose that to me until one night when he showed up to mine completely high and I told him where I stood on the matter. I have no time for people who take drugs. There's no such thing - in my opinion - as hard drugs and light drugs. Drugs are drugs and if they are altering your reality then I'm not interested. He took it seriously and promised not to do it again. I told him I was not about to change him and had no desire to, and if he wants to do that then have at it, but I reserved the right to walk away. We discussed the issue at length and I did, however, offer a compromise. I said that as long as he never shows himself around me before, during, or after smoking weed (and weed only - nothing else), and absolutely never brings drugs around me, then I am willing to accept that. True to his word, he never did so. And, in fact, he was studying so much and he was a very active rock climber and did that most of his free time and so refused to be under any kind of influence in such dangerous situations. In the end, it wasn't a problem because he cared more about me not liking it than he did about wanting to get high, and he was too focused on his other interests - which required complete alertness - that he wasn't willing to risk himself. So, it just stopped. Had he broken his word, I'd have walked away without even a cursory look back. He made his promise of his own free will because he wanted our relationship more. I didn't give an ultimatum, just told him where I stood and he chose to make that promise to me and he stuck to it. Importantly, he didn't do it for me. He chose to stop on his own because he wanted other things more, which included me and our relationship. When someone does something for you, it's really hard for them to stick to it because it's not what they actually want. If drugs is your deal breaker, then break the deal. If you say it's a deal breaker and then accept it, then it isn't truly a deal breaker for you. But, staying up half the night worried about the safety of your boyfriend sure doesn't sound fun to me. Anxiety is the worst and, honestly, all the better you'll be by eliminating that which causes it, and so willingly causes it too. Edit: I'd never offer that same compromise now. I was in my mid 20s then, studying at uni, and had no children. I'm now 37 with a child and what had turned out to not truly be a deal breaker for me back then - in that very specific relationship and set of circumstances (hence the compromise) absolutely would be now - in any relationship, and I would walk away without question.

The decision is very easy to make, less so to actually do. But, do it you must. Love yourself more than than the phantom attachment that you have to her. Like phantom pain - it feels so real, but it isn’t. For whatever reason, you’ve attached yourself to this woman, but it cannot end in happiness because she is not a happy or healthy person and people who are unhappy and unhealthy need to heal before they can even start to entertain life united with someone else. It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility or job to provide us with happiness, we need to do it ourselves and then we can share it with others as they equally share theirs with us. It’s too much responsibility to be the one in charge of another’s happiness, and often it is an unattainable responsibility to fulfil. Further, if you do truly care about her as a person, you’ll block her and be done - not just for your sake, but for hers too. You are currently a crutch, an enabler. She needs to walk her own path on her own or she will never get close to being a healthy person.

I hope some of what I said can help you move forward. You deserve love, not this toxic abuse. Just think - which choice[s] brings you closer to [true] happiness and which choice[s] take you further away from it. Then, act accordingly. As for me, I’m past most of it now. But, I do still struggle with resentment and anger towards my ex for the unnecessarily difficult positions he’s constantly putting me in with regards to our son. Be very glad that you are not in such a situation. Also, I highly suspect your ex gave you that STI, not the other way around. And, I’m equally sure that she knows that too. I’d feel disgusted at such behaviour as to not even be able to stomach speaking to that person again. Imagine she gave you something more serious that permanently affects your life. Would you still be so forgiving?

@Bern216 You are so lucky you are in a position to be able to block someone and walk away from a toxic, terrible situation. I am nearly 3 years post break-up (1.5 post divorce) with my ex-husband who was emotionally, psychologically, and financially extremely abusive. But, I have to see his face and hear his voice for over an hour on a video chat EVERY Saturday because we have a 4yo together. My son cannot operate my phone on his own, nor has the concentration to sometimes not forget he is talking to his dad during the conversation. As such, I have to supervise my son to make sure he’s on track, and engage with my ex up to a certain degree. It has dragged my healing out by YEARS. I wish I could co-parent with my ex in such a way as limiting our interactions to polite drop-offs and pick-ups only. But, due to our living internationally from each other, this is how it has to be. I know you believe yourself to be in love with this woman, but what you are feeling is not love. Far be it for me to tell another person how they feel, but, truly, you cannot genuinely love someone who does not allow you to love them, nor is it a healthy, positive emotion that you’re experiencing (from you towards them) when a person treats you in a way that is psychologically and emotionally damaging and then call that feeling [romantic] love. It’s just not possible. Sure, you can feel empathy, compassion, understanding, etc. and truly want them to be healthy and happy, but romantic love? No. I dare say what you feel is a desperate desire to be part of something with someone you initially felt a spark with and saw potential in. In addition, there is a level of trauma bonding and martyrdom. What you envision with this woman ‘if only things could get back on track’ is a mirage. It doesn’t exist, because the person you believe her to be deep down doesn’t actually exist. You’re hanging onto a hope that isn’t real. That is why I know what you feel to be love, simply cannot be love. It’s an addiction to the hope of things turning out well if only she’d stop doing what she’s doing. She can’t. And she won’t. And you are sabotaging yourself by not blocking her. Because you don’t truly want her to stop reaching out. You are looking for any reason to justifiably forgive her and give her another chance. Continue on this path to your own certain detriment. She is never going to be anything other than who she is and who she is is a toxic, unwell, abusive individual - BPD or not. Many people with mental health issues who are GOOD people, choose to make the best choices they can in their circumstances, such as seeking ongoing support and treatment so that they are good to themselves and others. You are bonded to the illusion of her, not her herself. This is not love. Please help yourself by removing her completely. She is a cancer and one gets rid of cancer, not tries to hold onto it. You’re very lucky to have that option, unlike me.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand what it is to rarely have romantic interest or physical attraction to someone. It’s typically years and years between relationships for me as well. Having said that - I don’t think this woman is interested in a romantic relationship with you at all. Speaking as a woman (and a human being in general), when someone is interested, they will make time for that which interests them. And, if their schedule is really full, they will communicate it very clearly that that this the case but that they do want to make it priority to organise something when possible. Why? Because when someone really wants to be with you, they won’t want to risk you slipping through their fingers as a result of inaction. Even if they can’t arrange something for right then, they will make it known their intention. I think she really likes you as a person and definitely enjoys spending time with you and so is open to engaging with you when it happens, but I don’t think it is romantic on her side, hence the lack of pursuing get-togethers with intention. Try to move on.

To be honest, I don’t think any of the details really matter at this point. Your boyfriend may legitimately have felt uncomfortable or concerned about the nature of your interactions with your colleague - regardless of whether or not they were appropriate (in my opinion, from your side, they were. The only inappropriate thing that has actually occurred in this whole debacle was your married colleague stating 2 months ago that you - a woman in a relationship - are attractive). Your boyfriend is well within his rights to take issue with the inappropriate comment your colleague made to you (if, indeed, he knew about it), and it is his prerogative to broach the topic of you being assisted by someone (the inappropriate colleague) whilst ill. All fine. Nothing wrong at this point. However, where things go off the rail is your boyfriend then behaving like a petulant pre-teen over a matter that is above-board from your end from start to finish. Telling you he will talk to you, then hanging up, refusing to engage with you - just as middle school kids do when they purposefully ignore someone they know is calling out to them. The details don’t even matter anymore, because he is carrying on deplorably and I would feel disgusted at the idea of having to deal with a child every time an issue comes up. Way too exhausting. There is zero respect for you in his behaviour and a relationship is nothing without respect. Forget him giving me a chance to explain myself, I would no longer want to explain myself as I’d be washing my hands of this child and saying good riddance.

If this were happening to me, I would send a text message (because trying to talk to him directly has proven impossible), out of self respect and curtesy, stating that after considering the relationship throughly, I feel it would be best to go our separate ways as we have fundamentally different communication styles and goals that I feel would make us incompatible in a relationship going forward. I would wish him the best and then be done. Block and delete. I’m not about ghosting, no matter how badly the other person has behaved. But I would be done.

I would be done at this point. Whilst your boyfriend may have had valid reasons to feel concerned, it is best to approach this as a mature adult where you bring your concerns to your partner in a calm and respectful manner. His behaviour towards you has been absolutely reprehensible. I would never want to reconcile with a partner who reacts this way to issues within a relationship and I can’t imagine it will get any better with time. All the valid concerns in the world do not justify the way he is going about things. This is the kind of wilful disrespect I currently have to deal with with my 4yo child. But, I expect that, because he’s FOUR not in his FORTIES! He is very very clearly demonstrating with all these communication (or lack thereof) games that addressing and resolving this issue is not a priority for him. That would tell me all I need to know about this man and the relationship.

I’m confused - you said he left you on message ‘delivered’ but never read your response agreeing to go out. So, how is it that the day arrived and you heard nothing from him? Did he know the date day had apparently arrived if he hadn’t read your message? Also, if I can see my message remained unread, I’d view that as a clear indicator the date had not been confirmed and would treat it as no longer a plan. As for this ridiculous blocking business - blocking is a tool to protect one from unwanted communication and/or to help one manage their own emotions while they process the ending of a relationship. It’s not a manipulation tactic. You clearly used it to send a message - to communicate - to him that you’re upset and he needs to redeem himself. Otherwise, you’d not even feel curious to know if he’d noticed. I blocked my sister weeks ago because she is a toxic, terrible human being and not once have I felt even the tiniest amount of curiosity to see if she’s noticed. Why? Because I used it as a tool to prevent unwanted communication from someone who is psychologically and emotionally dangerous to me. You’re in your mid-20s (or they’re enough about), so consider things more maturely. You’re both behaving as childishly as each other.