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Everything posted by LotusBlack

  1. The OP stated that the ex knows about the relationship, they’re just not disclosing it to the children yet.
  2. The reason you broke up wasn’t solely because of your geography, as you were back in Canada and then he went away to Tokyo and was too busy to afford you even a second thought. You said this wasn’t unlike him, as he is a workaholic and the fact he didn’t even allow you to enter his mind enough as to even fully engage with you on the very rare occasion he did call was very upsetting to you. He didn’t have his baby in Tokyo with him, so his lack of communication was all him, not a result of running around with a baby completely consuming his every minute. I would know - I have a young (now) toddler and when his father went away for a month I still had time to reach out to others. Now with a full time job and a baby, I still make the time to reach out to others. Furthermore, the bold and underlined statement I’ve quoted above shows your lack of considering a situation to the end. One major reason you wanted to end the relationship was due to not wanting to settle down as an instant family right off the bat after just meeting. As much as you liked the baby, being anyone significant in her life right now was not something you were ready to do when you broke up. Now you want to be involved with her beyond the relationship despite it being a major factor in why you chose to end things. This doesn’t make sense as it is counter-productive to your core goals and values right now. Nor is it fair for her to get attached to you. In addition, in your very first post, when you presented the dilemma of whether to stay in Canada or return to Asia, you said that your life was in Asia and that is where you are happiest. You gave the very strong impression that you intended to stay there indefinitely. You were given the advice (by me no less) that if your boyfriend was the right person for you then perhaps suggesting temporary long distance and seeing how you may be able to overcome the situation of location when the time is right may be a good way to go. You never acknowledged that potential option and instead went with the idea of likely ending things. Now that you say you intended to only be in Asia for one more year, it gives the option of a temporary LDR even more viability if you really wanted to make it work with him. The fact is, you didn’t. It is totally normal to miss somebody you invested in, but don’t let that cloud your judgment that you and he, while being a good fit in many ways, are neither a good fit over all or at the right times in each other’s lives for this relationship. Even if you changed the timing, you can’t overcome significant incompatibilities. You and he are like a good but not great pair of shoes to each other - a good pair of shoes are quite comfortable to walk in, up to a point, but when they start hurting, it progresses quickly to a level of pain that makes walking impossible. A great pair of shoes are always comfortable to walk in. And, some shoes just don’t fit from the get-go. You and he are a good pair of shoes, but life partners need to be great in order to stand the test of time and the rocky paths they will inevitably face.
  3. I do see where you’re coming from, as I used to have a very severe obsessive compulsive anxiety disorder for over 20 years - couldn’t leave my house for 3 years at one stage or even look outside my window without having a complete panic attack to the point of being in a catatonic state for hours after. So, I do feel for you and your situation and really hope you don’t have to go through this for much longer. You have my utmost compassion. I do, however, also see your partner’s perspective. It is incredibly hard to deal/engage with anxious people at times. It isn’t his fault and, to be honest, shouldn’t be his problem that you have anxiety (beyond the dynamics of your relationship and your incompatibility (if your are) directly causing/contributing to your anxiety). He shouldn’t have to take your emotional instability or extremes just because you experience anxiety. It doesn’t justify your treatment of him even though it may be your reason - and a very understandable one at that. You are already on the right track and doing your best with therapy, but perhaps explore additional avenues that may support your counseling, such as medication or something with a more holistic approach - whatever fits in with your values. But try to keep in mind that you are asking that he make allowances for how and who you are and you should also do the same for him; he cannot meet you 100% of the way. Having said that, I do not know him, but perhaps he also needs to be a little more compassionate and understanding of your anxiety, more so than he is being. If you and he cannot do that, then you and he are incompatible as partners and need to reevaluate your relationship.
  4. I think it is reasonable that he wants to take quite a bit of time before introducing you to his children, but I don’t think the way he’s going about it is decent. To have you hide in a closet or completely upend your plans without so much as talking it out with you so that you are also comfortable in the situation is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. His children do come first and they should, but he can put them first without it being at the expense of you. I think he is coasting and the fact he hasn’t defined or reaffirmed his intentions for some time just to make sure you know he’s in this with you, shows a lack of commitment. In your shoes, I’d tell him where I stand and ask him where he stands, and if we’re not walking in the same direction after that discussion, then I’d end things. If you are, then I’d tell him he needs to find a better way of handling things/your relationship and his kids.
  5. This thinking is very problematic. You’ve already decided that he’s in the wrong and he must conform to your expectations, otherwise he has “messed up”. In all honesty, I don’t think he keeps messing up. I think you have unrealistic expectations of him, yourself, and the relationship and are projecting them on to him. Asking someone for an update every 2-3 hours is pretty unreasonable, unless there is a genuine and significant need for such an update (such as health/medical reasons, etc.). You guys are teenagers, yet you’re wanting him to behave the way a long-term couple in their late 20s, 30s, and onwards would. My advice is to relax a little (or lot). Your anxiousness about the strength of your relationship is not his issue to overcome - those are your insecurities that you need to work through. I am sure there is some validity in what you’re saying and there are, in fact, times he can be a little inconsiderate or insensitive, but you have to keep in mind that he’s a teenage guy, he’s not going to be perfect (now or ever) and he still has a lot of growing into maturity to do, just as you do and anyone your age does. You need to allow for that and really choose your battles. Don’t decide that his lack of constant updating is the right hill to die on. But, as other posters have said, I feel perhaps that you really like/love him as a person, but that doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you. If you feel you have needs that are inflexible in certain areas and your bf cannot or will not accommodate them, then you need to face the reality that you and he are just not right for each other, unfortunately.
  6. Firstly, I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, I’m a little confused as to what you’re referring to? You were hurt because it was so easy for him to discuss divorce with his wife when it mattered to her, but he just couldn’t be bothered doing so for you and your relationship when it was so important to you? Or are you implying that they also married out of convenience?
  7. Honestly, OP, you’re focusing too much on the mother staying longer than intended. It’s true that it is not any of your business what the mother’s choices are or why she is making them, especially now that you and your ex are exes. You have, in my opinion, an unhealthy attachment to this aspect of the situation. Let it be; it really doesn’t matter anymore as you and your ex are done, and so is your involvement with her mother. You’re beating a dead horse here; it’s time to let it go now. Learn from the experience, grow, and use all this to create a better relationship with someone compatible next time. I wish you all the very best luck going forward!
  8. I would not marry someone you have never been in a relationship with unless it was arranged and I had no choice in the matter. If it is practiced in your culture to be set up with and married to people you don’t know or barely know but you have some say and choice in the decision-making, then I’d hold off on any serious, long-term life decisions (such as marriage) until a significant amount of time has passed and you’ve developed a healthy awareness of your partner’s character. From what you gave written, your boyfriend is not the right person for you because he isn’t interested in taking the relationship further. The other boy might be a good match for you, but you should never pursue a relationship for the sole purpose of being in a relationship; it should be because you like that person and want to blend your lives together. Perhaps end things with your current boyfriend and stay single for a while. If you want, pursue a friendship with “x” and see if you have a foundation for a romantic relationship, then go from there.
  9. If your argument is that she is unattractive and he chose to have sex with her then this actually makes him even worse than if he were to at least find her attractive and have sex. At least then he’d have felt a draw to her physically, if nothing else. If he doesn’t find her attractive but still had sex with her then that reduces a woman whom he calls his best friend (so should at the very least feel a great deal of respect and consideration for her) to nothing but a piece of meat with which he can gratify himself. It’s disgusting. The truth is, he likely DOES find her attractive, even if by your assessment she isn’t. You have no idea what different people are attracted to and people can find more than one style or thing attractive. The fact of the matter is, he found her attractive enough to have sex with her, drunk or not.
  10. Yes, I would also like to know this. It’s hard to advise you, OP, when you have a contrary response to everything.
  11. It’s on him. If he wants to go and sulk for being called out on sexually harassing you (could even go so far as to call it assault as he touched you without your consent) then that is on him. If he was mature enough and taking accountability, he’d own his wrong-doing and try do better. But he’s sulked away with his tail between his legs and that is another red flag against him that would make me be done with him. Instead of him being the one trying make things right for overstepping your boundaries and seeking your forgiveness, you’re the one left waiting on him to get over his misplaced embarrassment - I say embarrassment because that is how he feels rather than how he should feel, which is remorseful, apologetic, and accountable. His feelings right now are about him, rather than being about you.
  12. The fact of the matter is that it highlights what is actually wrong with his mindset. He feels entitled to touch you and that you couldn’t possibly mean “no” just because you stated it. It is wrong for him to try to change your mind verbally or physically once you have already said you don’t want to do something. That he thinks it is okay to try to change your mind just clearly demonstrates that he prioritises his feelings over yours and that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to respect your choices the first time your give them. It’s not okay. I don’t believe he is a bad guy with malicious intent, but his thinking and reasoning are unhealthy and he needs to overhaul his attitude towards consent and understand it isn’t a negotiable situation and that trying to coax you into it (verbally or otherwise) is disrespecting your boundaries.
  13. In no world was that your fault. You already firmly told him “no” once. The onus is not on you to restate that because your bf has chosen to disregard that. It’s offensive, really, that he thinks so little of your ability to assert yourself and know your own mind and feelings to the point that you’d do a 180 within minutes at the mere touch of his hand and what he means to suggest or pursue physically. I’d be done with him.
  14. I was just about to suggest this too. This guy sounds like he likes to go out and have a good time and I bet that includes women. He slips lies out so easily that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was easy about other things too… Definitely go see your doctor and get a full work-up for STIs/Ds. I hope all is well!
  15. Sorry this is happening to you. The writing is on the wall in bright red paint - he is playing you. The thing is, though, even if he wasn’t interested in the woman from Germany, he is not establishing any boundaries with her and respecting and protecting your relationship by doing so. If she was overstepping and it had become a problem, your bf would be completely transparent about it and would be reassuring you and actively working on/already found a way to block all communication from the woman in Germany. So, worst case scenario is that he is a disloyal, dishonest, sleazy “man” (no real man with any self-respect would act like this) who is playing you both like a fiddle and damaging your lives. And, best case scenario is that he is a weak-minded, spineless, pathetic kind of a “man” (again, no real man with any self-respect would act like this) who lacks the ability to set firm boundaries and prioritise you and your relationship, who fails to make you feel safe and valued in the relationship. Instead of reassuring you, he puts you down and dismisses your concerns - that is your best case scenario where he is innocent. You really want that for yourself and your children? For one thing, out of the two scenarios, it isn’t the second, let me tell you. Get rid of this manipulator, recover and repair your self-esteem, focus on your kids. Once you have all that, then you can look for a healthy relationship that is good for both you and your family. This guy isn’t it. I know it will be hard to cut things off with him because you have feelings for him, but he is bad for you and you are going to be burned much much worse if you stay. You can put a stop to the damage being made any worse if you exist this lie of a relationship now. Good luck!
  16. You mentioned in a previous comment that you don’t want to be perceived as controlling by bringing up this issue and discussing your needs. You can avoid that by framing it in an open and kind way, such as, “I really want for you to be able to have your friends over and spend quality time together. But, we should establish some ground rules so that we are both happy and comfortable with the situation.” Then tell her what your general needs are in this situation and invite her to do the same - and let her know that her needs are important to you, or invite her to do so first and then share yours. Once you both have all the information, discuss where compromises can be made so that each/both are happy. As long as you listen to her and she to you, and you are both calm, kind, and reasonable, there is no need for things to go pear-shaped or intentions to be misconstrued. And, as other posters have said, schedule a time where you can sit down and really talk it out without time constraints or emotions on high.
  17. My impression is that she was reacting to the vibe you were putting out during the second date. She was all into you the first date, then you decided she must still be processing the end of her recent relationship (which may or may not be true, but it’s not up to you to decide that for her, unless she’s putting out signals that she isn’t ready), so are guarded towards her during the second date. No doubt, no matter how much you think you were being subtle, she’d have picked up on that and mirrored your vibe, then the two of you just perpetuated it the rest of the date. As other posters have said - she’s free to see other people and figure out who she likes and wants to be with, and, eventually, in an exclusive relationship with. And her dating people, including you, doesn’t make her an orbiter, it makes her someone who is dating to find out who her person might be (if she’s looking for a relationship that is). lastly, making her wait a month to talk is a random, weird thing to stipulate. I think you’ve prematurely judged things and gotten in your own way, which, in itself, can be a bit of a red flag against you . Relax a bit and just let her tell you what she’s ready and not ready for.
  18. This, exactly. You need to rebuild your relationship with yourself first and foremost. At the very least, you will be with yourself forever, so you need to be able to love, respect, value, and care for yourself just as you would a partner.
  19. I think, at this point in time, you need to not be in any relationships for a very long time and just work through your issues with an appropriate therapist. You are engaging in very self-destructive behaviour - returning to have sex with your abuser, making choices that are not in your best interest as a knee-jerk reaction to sadness, depression, and jealousy (opening the relationship that you didn’t want to open), and wanting to disclose information to your girlfriend that isn’t necessary (sleeping together with another person (your abuser no less) while you were broken up). I think you are, in part, addicted to the cycle of sadness and drama. Surprisingly, sadness can be addictive, even when we hate feeling that way. I also think part of your self sabotage and destruction is your gut telling you you need to not be in a relationship and need to seek professional help. It will be hard, but you need to be by yourself to go through the therapy and healing stage. It is the kindest and hardest thing you have to do, but needs to be done all the same. Once you are in a healthy place in your life, you can reconsider reconnecting with your girlfriend.
  20. I’m not really sure where people are picking up that I am of a differing opinion to any of the other posters - I’m actually quite in agreement. My post never suggested anything other than him being a terrible person she needs to get away from. I never suggested anywhere that she was responsible for him or anything being her fault. What I did say is that, in general, no one should actively encourage anyone to kill themselves, no matter how terrible or manipulative that person is, it’s just not a necessary thing to say, and refraining from saying such a thing does NOT equate to staying with them and taking their crap. It isn’t a mutually exclusive agreement. If they do threaten self-harm or suicide, then, if one feels the situation to be dire, they can call for help and then leave the situation and don’t look back - particularly in OP’s case, if she really was worried about that. Nowhere did I say that the OP needs to or should buy into it and stay. I said just the opposite. My advice was ONLY regarding the issue of making assumptions (see the bold print - more assumptions) about what a person may or may not do. Never make assumptions - that is all I said. It had nothing to do with the OP. With all due respect, please read my post more carefully. I greatly dislike my posts being misrepresented in such a way, particularly regarding topics of abuse or self-harm. And, just in case it wasn’t clear in the first post I made - I do not condone, endorse, or empathise with this man’s behaviour and the OP would do well to leave his sorry excuse of an a** behind.
  21. I would err on the side of caution and never encourage someone to kill themselves, no matter how empty you perceive the threat to be. And I’d also be weary of assuming someone won’t do something. Highly likely he’s bluffing, but never take the chance by assuming he is. You don’t know him personally, so you could not guess as to what his actions might be and then advise based on that. But, I agree that he is dreadfully manipulative and the OP should get away from him ASAP.
  22. I didn’t see this part of the post. Absolutely don’t put up with this emotional manipulation and abuse. What a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly love. I amend my previous advice - don’t bother telling him to shape up, just tell him to be gone and if he has concerns about his mental state and self harm, then you’re more than willing to call help for him straight away if he’s unable to do so himself, and then walk away. You don’t need the drama or the manipulation.
  23. What an extremely unattractive quality. It’d kill every pleasant feeling I had for someone if he spoke to me like that. And his Tik Tok message - super passive aggressive and he’s emotionally abusive. Run away now, do not walk, do not stop and look back. Run. Fast. Back yourself and your right to a happy, healthy relationship with someone who actually likes women and other human being, instead of treating them so poorly.
  24. He is showing a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. You are a grown woman who is capable of determining what you are and aren’t ready for. That he questions the validity of your choice and undermines your ability to decide for yourself is incredibly patronising. In your shoes, I’d end the relationship as this will likely be a behaviour that extends into other areas of your relationship. He’s basically saying you’re not capable of independent thinking. How rude. But, if you want to keep the relationship, then I’d firmly tell him to back off and to stop disrespecting you. You’ve said you’re not ready, so you’re not ready. And it sounds like his pressure is coming from a self-serving place rather than his main goal of wanting to live with you. Sure, that might be a small part of it, but now he has a real need and is putting you in the unfair position of fixing his predicament. Tell him to shape up or be gone.
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