Relationship over? Gutted - she still has feelings for ex - what now?

[boltnrun]

If she reconciles with her ex would you still want to stick around being her "friend"? Could you tolerate visiting their shared home? Or would it hurt?

[MissCanuck]

Another vote here to avoid friendship. 

If she winds up back with her ex, are you still going to want to be friends? I rather doubt that. She also may not want to maintain the friendship in that case either, out of respect for him. 

 

[Inlove]

On 4/26/2024 at 3:59 PM, boltnrun said:

If she reconciles with her ex would you still want to stick around being her "friend"? Could you tolerate visiting their shared home? Or would it hurt?

I don’t know yet. 
 

i know that I have never loved anyone as unconditionally as I did her. We have a great bond and if I can separate those feelings then she would be a great friend. 
 

at the moment I am philosophical. Had we argued and she met someone else probably not. But I can understand the history they have and maybe they shouldn’t have split in the first place. 

On 4/26/2024 at 5:20 PM, MissCanuck said:

Another vote here to avoid friendship. 

If she winds up back with her ex, are you still going to want to be friends? I rather doubt that. She also may not want to maintain the friendship in that case either, out of respect for him. 

 

Agree. Time will tell if that’s an issue but she does not like jealousy but maybe if she does keep some feelings she may need to step back 

On 4/26/2024 at 3:12 PM, Batya33 said:

Glad you have therapy . I’d avoid friendship since you can’t be her true friend given your feelings. 

As above. It did go quiet Friday and half of Saturday. No messages. Then she messaged to say congrats on my teams result at end of season. A few messages back and forth. Mostly irrelevant but a couple where I told her I was with a mate and we talked about you, she did the same “you’re still my favourite person it seems”. And then a message this morning. 
 

I don’t doubt that she has probably questioned the decision over last few days but she has to meet him this weekend. 
 

My mate was quite honest. He said if I had done that to her I would look like a complete @*#&. He said to keep away. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

I don’t doubt that she has probably questioned the decision over last few days but she has to meet him this weekend. 

People question decisions all the time.  All that matters is her actions.  Her practical decision is to proceed with seeing her ex.  That's her decision. I'd avoid these transparently casual texts because it's too tempting to get personal.  And it gives her the benefit of your companionship and flatters her/strokes her ego while she tests out greener pastures.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Inlove said:

. He said if I had done that to her I would look like a complete @*#&. He said to keep away. 

Listen to your friends. There's nothing but headaches and headaches if you wait in the wings for someone who is with someone else now. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your friends. There's nothing but headaches and headaches if you wait in the wings for someone who is with someone else now. 

Or even meeting up with an ex to test the waters.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Inlove said:

he does not like jealousy but maybe if she does keep some feelings she may need to step back 

 No, this is not what I meant. 

I meant that if she starts dating her ex again and he isn't comfortable with her being friends with you, you should prepare to be cut off. She will prioritize him over remaining friends with you. 

My point is that friendship is likely not going to be an option if she goes back to him. Are you ready for that? 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 4/25/2024 at 8:36 AM, Inlove said:

I guess the difference is that we both feel super strong about each other,

I think she wants to feel super strong about you because she feels "safe" with you however...

On 4/25/2024 at 1:33 AM, Inlove said:

We discussed a bit, she said all is great between us but there is not quite the same spark/chemistry between us that they had. 

This^ is a clear sign, like a great big neon red flag, that's she's still in love with her ex.

If she weren't, she wouldn't even be thinking about the spark/chemistry they shared let alone comparing it to what she and you have.

My take is she feels comfortable with you, you're her safe haven.  I've been in her shoes myself MANY times.

Unfortunately it doesn't inspire feelings of passion in her like she felt with her ex.  You are not "her person."

And no matter how hard she tries to convince herself you are, it's just not happening.

You're in denial so not sure what any of us can say really.

You will rationalize, justify, sweep under the carpet emotions you're not ready to accept and deal with, you're just gonna have to play it out.

But honestly I don't envision this working out well for you, I'm sorry. 😞

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Inlove said:

We have a great bond and if I can separate those feelings then she would be a great friend.

Hopefully, when you get some distance from this relationship, you will realize a few things:

1. Your pool of future dating prospects will only include women with severely poor self-worth, because a mentally healthy woman won't accept you have this woman you "unconditionally loved" as a friend. A dating prospect will gather that there is something different about this friendship, and I believe it would be unethical to keep the history of who this "friend" is from a person you're dating.

As a side-note, I don't believe in unconditional love for a SO. A partner needs to behave within normal, loving relationship boundaries to retain me in his life along with my love.

2. If she were a decent, caring person, she'd be intelligent enough and kind enough to know that retaining a connection with you is cruel. 

A lack of ethical tact will be especially revealing about her if she gets back together with her ex yet still keeps in touch with you. Do you really think her ex will be okay with this, or will she keep it a nefarious secret? Love triangles can be very dangerous, as in fodder for about 1/3 of reality murder mystery shows.

[boltnrun]

Maybe she's keeping you around as a backup in case things don't go well with her ex/current.

My ex did that...contacted me every so often to maintain a connection in case he wanted company or soothing or an ego boost. 

[Inlove]

42 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe she's keeping you around as a backup in case things don't go well with her ex/current.

My ex did that...contacted me every so often to maintain a connection in case he wanted company or soothing or an ego boost. 

Possibly. I genuinely think that ex aside we would be fine. There was spark etc and it was enough but not compared to him. Maybe if things don’t work out i am the next option. And to be honest, the way i feel that’s fine. It may sound weak but this is out of character  for me compared to anyone else I have been with. 

I have twice been cheated on in the past and that damaged my relationships so badly that they failed as I could not forgive or forget. The only reason I started with my wife for so long was due to kids but once we decided to split I was never going to go back   
 

yes, she is being selfish and wanting the best of both worlds but many couples split then get back together but this is different granted  

 

[Inlove]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Hopefully, when you get some distance from this relationship, you will realize a few things:

1. Your pool of future dating prospects will only include women with severely poor self-worth, because a mentally healthy woman won't accept you have this woman you "unconditionally loved" as a friend. A dating prospect will gather that there is something different about this friendship, and I believe it would be unethical to keep the history of who this "friend" is from a person you're dating.

As a side-note, I don't believe in unconditional love for a SO. A partner needs to behave within normal, loving relationship boundaries to retain me in his life along with my love.

2. If she were a decent, caring person, she'd be intelligent enough and kind enough to know that retaining a connection with you is cruel. 

A lack of ethical tact will be especially revealing about her if she gets back together with her ex yet still keeps in touch with you. Do you really think her ex will be okay with this, or will she keep it a nefarious secret? Love triangles can be very dangerous, as in fodder for about 1/3 of reality murder mystery shows.

Not sure on that. I do have two friends who are best friends. They were married, split but get on well, meet up and that is it an issue with their partners. They just didn’t suit being married. 
 

she has said she will be telling him we will stay friends, how that transpires in months to come who knows. 
 

I want the connection too. There is a lot in common we have but the question I don’t know yet is how that will affect me when they are together and if that hinders my ability to move on. 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, Inlove said:

Maybe if things don’t work out i am the next option. And to be honest, the way i feel that’s fine.

One thing you seem to be missing is that by accepting and being so willing to wait around being her "friend" and her "next option" she will most likely lose respect for you.

I would, most women would, it's weak. It's desperate.  It's not a good look to say the least and will most likely result in the exact opposite of what you're hoping or expecting. 

It might eventually repulse her.  Emotional weakness may be the worst thing a man could ever be in a woman's eyes. Or one of the worst.  It will NOT inspire love and passion in her imo and experience.  Or respect.

If this is how you've been with her since the beginning, desperate to keep her, not wanting to "rock the boat" (your words), it's no wonder she doesn't feel a "spark/chemistry."  

You said the chemistry is there a little just not as much as with her ex?

Sorry that's not how chemistry works. It's either there or it's not and for her it's NOT no matter how softy she cushions it.

What makes you think waiting.around being her 'lap dog' which is how you would appear in her eyes, would be appealing to her?

This is so sad.  Where's your pride as a man?  Your self-respect?

I don't ask this to be disrespectful or cruel, I truly don't understand.

 

 

 

[Inlove]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One thing you seem to be missing is that by accepting and being so willing to wait around being her "friend" and her "next option" she will most lose respect for you.

I would, most women would, it's weak. It's desperate.  It's not a good look to say the least and will most likely result in the exact opposite of what you're expecting. 

It might eventually repulse her.  Emotional weakness imay be the worst thing a man could ever be in a woman's eyes. Or one of the worst.  It will NOT inspire love and passion in her imo and experience.

If this is how you've been with her, it's no wonder she doesn't feel a "spark /chemistry."  

You said the chemistry is there a little just not as much as with her ex?

Sorry that's not how chemistry works. It's either there or it's not and for her it's NOT no matter how softy she cushions it.

What makes you think waiting.around being her 'lap dog' which is how you would appear in her eyes, would be appealing to her?

This is so sad.  Where's your pride as a man?  Your self-respect?

I don't ask this to be disrespectful or cruel, I truly don't understand.

 

 

 

It does worry me that it looks like that and may to her. 
 

If I think back on previous relationships the levels of chemistry are different. The one before this one did have some chemistry but only enough to last a short while. Marriage had some at the start but seemed to reduce over the years. I could probably rank the chemistry out of 10’for all major relationships. So I do see it as a score rather than a yes / no. That’s how I base decisions when deciding to date. Last year I went on a few dates with a couple of women  had chemistry with both but one was a lot stronger  

 

maybe I am over compensating. I got stuff wrong in my marriage, I was probably too strong and less weak which was not good either. It is also how I feel, don’t like to play games or be someone I am not . Ex wife wouldn’t recognise this, as she would call me uncaring, mean, selfish and controlling!

Am very much aware this is a grieving process  maybe I will hit anger etc  

 

have a session tomorrow and sure this will come up, and it does help ground me reading stuff like this and I can relate and understand. Maybe in a week I will reread this and cringe!

 

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

I’m with your friends on this one. The sheer gall of telling a lover that my spark was stronger with my ex, and I’m going to meet him to see about getting back with him, but oh-poor-me, I feel so lousy about treating you this way, even though that certainly doesn’t stop me from using you as my therapeutic tampon because your love for me is so pure and unconditional…

I’m sorry, that’s barfable. I could never say those things to someone I valued beyond his worship of me.

I can appreciate that you are in shock and grief. It might be helpful to do a quick read on the 5 stages of grief, but know that they are more like cycles that can repeat rather than linear states you can track. But you’ll be able to identify aspects of these cycles throughout your healing. They are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.

You can have combo plates of any of these happening all at once. For instance, you may be bargaining for friendship while holding onto denial in the hope that this thing with her ex will resolve and send this woman back your way. But the problem you’re denying is that the ex would have never posed a threat had your relationship with this woman been as solid as you believed in the first place.

This is why, should you start to feel some anger brewing, don’t try to squelch it. Lean into it and explore it. It will lead you to an uncomfortable place, but it will signal that you are ready to decathect from the pedestal upon which you’ve placed this woman. Your friends will be there for you, and they’ll understand.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What makes you think waiting.around being her 'lap dog' which is how you would appear in her eyes, would be appealing to her?

I can attest to the feeling of revulsion. I've always had a lot of empathy for people but also had minor moments of being a jerk when I was a teen. When I was 18 I met an attractive guy at a dance, but was not gaga over him. I could tell the chemistry wasn't at a max for me but ended up dating him for 4 months. When I broke up with him and told him I'd met someone else, he told me he still wanted to date me even if I was also dating the other guy, but that he would not be dating any other girls. I told him no, that I'm never one to multi-date. He cried and asked if I'd mind if he jogged around my block because jogging made him feel better when he was upset.

I felt like a jerk for being repulsed and just wanted him to go away. Couldn't wait until he drove off. But those were real feelings that were invoked by someone who was misguided and stuffing his dignity, value, and true wishes for measly breadcrumbs. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I felt like a jerk for being repulsed and just wanted him to go away. Couldn't wait until he drove off. But those were real feelings that were invoked by someone who was misguided and stuffing his dignity, value, and true wishes for measly breadcrumbs. 

Same ^^ except I never felt like a jerk.

In truth I never trusted it or felt that any part of his behavior was about "love."

It's not love imo, it's a desperate attempt to fill an empty void within himself. An obsession of sorts. 

Loving another person entails loving yourself and by tolerating this type of  nonsense - breadcrumbs, scraps, mediocrity - one could not possibly love themselves imo.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

OP, you are setting yourself up for more pain by waiting around on this woman. 

Your self-respect has all but vanished, too. 

[Inlove]

On 4/29/2024 at 7:22 AM, MissCanuck said:

OP, you are setting yourself up for more pain by waiting around on this woman. 

Your self-respect has all but vanished, too. 

I possibly am. But this is someone i truly love. And many other couples go through breakups because of various things like affairs and are able to make a go of it. 
 

do I give up at the first hurdle or feel that something is worth fighting for. This is quite out of character for me. My ex wife would describe be as harsh, selfish and only out for himself. She would not recognise this. 
 

I honestly believe she is confused. But I don’t feel it is over yet and until she says she is happy with him I will still hope. If that’s the case then so be it but I think I am being true to my feelings. If I gave up now to keep self respect then I know I would regret it in the future. 
 

am keeping grounded, my counselling session went well. Next one in a couple of days. Been able to focus on getting fitter too so small positives. 

[boltnrun]

Two of the stages of grief are denial and bargaining. It seems you are experiencing both. It's not particularly pleasant or productive but it is normal.

I'm glad you're taking care of your physical and emotional health. 

[Batya33]

It takes two people to fight.  A person who reacts to confusion by comparison shopping, including by meeting up with an ex - is not a person who is wanting to be with you let alone put in the effort to get over a rough spot.  I married my ex fiancee. We got back together over 7 years later.  I'm fairly certain we would not have if we'd kept in close touch once I had core shaking doubts about our upcoming wedding or if I'd told him I wanted to date others/meet up with an ex.  

Irrational pride is a thing.  Self respect is essential to any healthy relationship. I wouldn't give her the benefit and privilege of  your company while she is "confused" but not too confused to hang out with and be open to hooking up with her ex.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Inlove said:

I am keeping grounded, my counselling session went well. Next one in a couple of days. Been able to focus on getting fitter too so small positives. 

It's great you're taking care of yourself. Please try to approach the subject of choosing and staying with unavailable women, now and in your past. Keep in mind that unavailable people choose other unavailable people, so that's worth exploring in therapy.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Inlove said:

do I give up at the first hurdle

She beat you to it, though.  She decided to break up with you and explore things with him again. There isn't something here for you to give up on when she's already opted out. 

4 hours ago, Inlove said:

something is worth fighting for.

She needs to want to fight for it, too. At the moment, this is a one-sided fight, because she has already stepped out of the ring. She's gone off to another ring to see if her former relationship is worth fighting for. 

4 hours ago, Inlove said:

My ex wife would describe be as harsh, selfish and only out for himself. She would not recognise this.

Who cares what your ex-wife would think? And there is a difference between being harsh and selfish, and not waiting on the sidelines while your ex has play-time with her ex. 

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Two of the stages of grief are denial and bargaining. It seems you are experiencing both.

Yes, this much is very clear. Take care of yourself, OP. As time passes, this will get a little easier to accept. 

 

[AndyPandy]

18 hours ago, Inlove said:

I possibly am. But this is someone i truly love.

This, is not love.

[catfeeder]

On 5/1/2024 at 9:29 AM, Inlove said:

do I give up at the first hurdle or feel that something is worth fighting for.

Who, exactly, would you be fighting? Her?