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  1. I guess there are many lessons to be learned here. If you're 30 and getting easily scammed like that, you may want to check why you're so prone to "helping others", especiall when those others are out there to f*** you. There's a book called "No more Mr Nice guy" or similar name, you can read it online. You should have a look. The things you're writing here make me believe you're a very easy target for these people. I mean, it was plain clear that she was just using you, you realise that, and still want her back. I'm no psychologist but you may have some very strong attachment issues going on and therapy might help you figure those things out and why you're like that. Your behaviour is not "nice", it's just plain unhealthy.
  2. It is hard to be sure what's going on but his behaviour staying at his house watching netflix if you don't suggest meeting up tells me that he's either not that much into you or he's still a bit down from the previous break up. My guess would be the latter. It can happen a lot that after some time after a hurtful break up, we find someone we really connect with only to start comparing that person to (and missing) the ex a bit later on. From your description, his break up was one of the terrible kind and I would assume he still might not be entirely emotionally available. I would suggest you back off just a little and give him a bit of breathing air. You're not even officially in a relationship yet so it kind of makes me believe you are indeed pushing a bit. The ebst kind of relationships have a healthy balance between who initiates contact, suggests activities, etc. If you're sensing he doesn't care much about it, maybe distance a bit and let him actually miss you and see if he takes some action. See what happens. It might be the end of it but if that's the case, it wouldn't have gone far anyway. Guys who are truly interested make their interest known, unless they're players or have better options (in this case he wouldn't be that interested ayway). Unless he's depressed or something, which he may very well be from the way you describe him being happy just doing nothing all the time.
  3. This is a difficult one. I don't feel great about disclosing my sexual life to such detail given I'm not willing to ask her to do the same and don't want to know. The fact I had sex with someone with herpes who was taking anti-herpes medication doesn't necessarily put me in higher risk than one who, for example, had oral sex with 3 other guys this year, which she may very well have done. At this stage, she already knows much more about my sexual history than I know about hers. But anyway, I think I'll just tell her everything and if we are not meant to continue dating, so be it. I think that's pretty much what is going to happen anyway.
  4. Thanks everyone for your comments. The best thing I can do is have an honest conversation with her but it will most likely not include me disclosing what I did with my ex and her status. That's private. And I certainly don't want to know a detailed account of her sexual history. All we need to know is whether we are infected or not. I will talk to her about the need for both of us to get tested before we go any further. If she goes further in asking more about my previous relationships and sexual history, I'll call it off as I don't think this has a role in dating, especially in early stages. Some people (or even her) may disagree but that's life. It is unfortunate that she only went on about how paranoid she was about it AFTER we had sex. We talked about getting tested for the major STIs (which I did) and the fact that the test doesn't include herpes (and testing for herpes without symptoms is not recommended as per medical guidelines over here) before it and she was fine with it then. I never had any symnptoms and she can't know her herpes status for sure either, so to me it's fair game. She has the right to be 'paranoid' about sexual health and I don't hold this against her at all, obviously. But we'll have to see if we are on the same page about it. I have a good feeling about this girl and we seem to connect in many ways so hopefully this will just be a bump on the road.
  5. Thanks LHGirl, that's helpful info. And Katrina, you make a valid point about privacy. It's really "too much info" I think to disclose that info about my ex. It's better to just get tested and get this over with.
  6. Regarding tests, I've been looking for it for a long time. Where I live, these tests are not recommended if you don't have a sore or blister, they just won't take a swab at the lab if you don't have visible symptoms. Blood tests can be done but they appear not very effective. I could try to do that but I honestly don't know where I can get one done. Maybe I'll ask at the sexual health clinic again but they told me there are no tests for asymptomatic herpes as per guidelines - the blood tests give too many false positives and false negative results. So even taking the blood test, I'd still not be sure. There's no way to know if you don't have symptoms apparently. I'd like to take the test anyway, if I can find one. And yeah, she could get tested too. I'll try to find out more tomorrow.
  7. I am not entirely sure about the concept of 'risky' sex either. What is sexual risky behaviour? I had sex with my ex-girlfriend who was taking medication and showed it to me. I honestly would not have done that if it was a casual situation and I was bummed when it ended. From then on I have carefully checked for any symptom and didn't even notice any fever/cold which can be common when you get it, not to say sores and blisters and things like that. If I had anything to believe that I have herpes I'd have disclosed it to her beforehand as my ex-girlfriend did to me. But disclosing risk of herpes involves full disclosure of sexual activity, basically. Unless we had no sexual partners in your life, we all have it, some more others less. Chances are that if we are in our 30s we will have had sex with someone with herpes, and that includes oral sex, if we had 6 different sexual partners. Is everyone willing to disclose that before having sex? That will have to include a count.
  8. Hello friends, I need some advice or at least some insights. I've been seeing this woman for about 3 weeks now. We matched online and 'clicked' right when we met. There is a good chemistry between us and we've been really into each other. We've been on a few dates and only had sex for the first time the last weekend. Before that, she asked me about the last time I got tested for STI. It had been one year or more so I thought it was a good idea to test again. It all came negative for the major STIs I got tested for. It's a 'standard' sexual health test. She also asked me, a few days before having sex, whether I was having sex with someone else at the moment, which I replied that I am not. She told me the same and that she has been tested for STIs recently so it was all ready to go. I know, a bit too pragmatic for me, but I understood her valid concerns. Also, we had sex using condoms so there was no big deal about it, so I thought. After we had sex and while still laying on her bed, she started asking more questions about my sexual history. I felt a bit umcofortable to be honest. She asked about whether I had unprotected casual sex before and I said I had only with previous girlfriends but not casually. Then she asked if I had slept with multiple people at once (???) and I said I didn't. She kept asking questions she had asked before, and I told her it seemed like she was trying to tell/ask something but wouldnt' say it. I think she was trying to gauge how promiscuous I was/am. At some point, we talked about Herpes, etc. I said I never had any symptoms and since they can't test for it, there was no way to be certain but I felt confident that I don't have it. She then apologised for asking so many questions but said she was a bit 'paranoid' about sexual health and that some people don't care too much about it as much as she does. The thing is, with my previous girlfriend, she told me straight away she had herpes but was taking medication and was not having any symptoms while we were together. At some point, after a few months, we ended up having sex a few times without a condom. It felt like a normal thing to do given herpes is quite prevalent and the risk of contamination is much lower when there are no symptoms and under medication. It was a calculated risk, given it was my partner and I felt ok with it given the fact she was very honest and transparent about it. I did my research (I'm a public health researcher also) and most clinicians are pretty relaxed about Herpes. They say most sexually active people will get herpes at some point in their lives and most will never even develop symptoms. Also, symptoms tend to decrease with time, etc. They told me I most likely had sex with someone with herpes before my girlfriend anyway. 1 out of 6 sexually active people have the genital herpes virus and it is way more prevalent as people grow older. Now the point is: I feel that I need to disclose this info (about me and my ex-girlfriend) to the new girl, given how paranoid she is about it. And I'm almost sure it will be a deal breaker for her and honestly, it may be one for me as well to deal with someone who is so paranoid about herpes. Even if it's not a dealbreaker, it will kill the vibe for sure. She seems to be really into me and already talked about future, etc, very slightly and not in a freaky way. It's a weird situation, I guess. I don't really know what to do. I think that only disclosing that "I might have it but don't know for sure" will not be enough. This is the kind of information that I personally don't think I should disclose to people I'm dating, because I never had any symptoms and my ex-girlfriend was taking anti-herpes medication and without symptoms at the time. I have no indication of having herpes at all. I could have asymptomatic herpes, but I certainly never had any symptoms, not even slightly. Honestly I don't think herpes is a big deal at all. But she seems to think otherwise and now I'm overthinking everythink and want to tell her about it and possibly end things - or maybe she will end things first I don't know. What are your thoughts on this? What is the level of disclosure you have with new people you are dating about your sexual past history? And especially about herpes that is so prevalent and we all "may or may not" have it? Also, I'm 35 and she's 31 if that's important.
  9. I don't like when people say that PTSD can only be linked to people with major traumatic experiences, like being in a war zone or sexually abused, etc. As Jibralta said, trauma comes from recurrence. While the OP might be exaggerating a bit, it's still not cool to downplay her/his situation. It's just not. We never know the full story and definitely don't know how bad and negative the OP might be feeling right now. One thing that can be considered "not wanting to let go" for some, might actually be something way more extreme and difficult to deal with for others. I experienced, once, an extreme panic attack for something that now seems very little in hindsight. But back then it really threatened my mental health in a way I considered suicide for the only time in my life. My therapist related my recent experience with that break up as trauma - mostly because of my childhood background and other previous experiences. The recent experience might not have been that important in the big scheme of things, but combined with the previous ones, it was my tipping point. I'm glad a had a supportive network of people back then. People who whould try to avoid the "get over it" thing. Also, I think posters here should be a bit more aware of the vulnerable state of whoever comes here for advice. I don't mind some tough love sometimes and I think it's necessary, but some posters here seem to use this forum just to basically be tough to other people. I understand, they might think that with tough love, maybe they'll see the light. Some certainly do. Some will just become more negative and will refrain to ask for help/advice later on. Just something to think about.
  10. This girl is straight telling you in your face that she likes another guy. If that still doesn't make you go away, you might have deeper issues than you might realise. She was basically banging her ex's friend to make him jealous when you came into the picture. That should be a major red flag, but you ignored it. While it's normal for a guy to jump in and have sex in such a situation, you just have to acknowledge your role in this. Just filling a gap left by another guy. The sooner you realise you mean basically nothing to her and was just a rebound, the sooner you'll move on.
  11. From what you described, there's 0 chance o reconciliation on Saturday. If you're ok with that and still want to see each other the last time, then go for it. Just have in mind that this will actually make you feel a little more miserable when you see how detached she might already be from you. I would just cancel it and just try to move on.
  12. It's a terrible idea. Do not discuss feelings with her at this point, neither in person nor on the phone. Try to have a light-hearted, fun, date with her when you can. Just try to give her a good time. If she's showing sings of attraction, try to kiss her or escalate. You're actually friendzoning yourself already by talking to her that much on the phone... I think it's highly unlikely that this woman is gonna give you what you want...
  13. Agree with smackie. I had my own version of this with a female co-worker. Very similar to what you described. Back then we'd work on the same floor but different sides so didn't really have to see or face her that much. Turns out that later on she was transferred to my area and I basically had to see her quite a lot and things became very umconfortable. For both of us but obviously I was feeling much more because I was the dumpee. She even atempted a 'friendly' reconciliation which just confused the hell out of me back then. Luckily I finished my project and went to another building but I still see her around sometimes. I turned out to be come the worst break up in my life, not because of how it went but because I had to continually deal with it afterwords. I still have to deal with the prospect of seeing her anytime around the corner but now it's all more settled. I cannot describe how terrible the idea of dating a coworker is but having said that I also acknowledge that when you really like someone (and they seem to like you back), it's hard to put the brakes on. However, I'm afraid this guy doesn't like you as much as he says he does, otherwise he'd be happy to keep dating or even start a relationship with you. 99 times out of 100, when someone says I'm not ready for a relationship means not ready for one with you. Very few human beings would let someone they really like go just because they think they're not fully healed from something.
  14. I think you are smothering her. The fact she's not respondig positively shows that. Maybe try to back off a little and let her come to you.
  15. I think you should just leave him alone. I mean, you broke up with him and said nasty things to him that appear to have been unwarranted. You probably inflicted a lot of pain on him (which is the way most break ups go anyway) and he has been, hopefully, recovering since. Sending a letter now just to apologise will just reopen the wounds for him. It will work for you because of how guilty you feel but it will be very bad for him, especially given you're not even giving a chance to reconcile. You seem to only want to apologise for your own closure and leave it as that. It will confuse the hell out of him. I had a girl who broke up with me (under sort of nasty circumstances too) to come back 9 months later. It was by far the most terrible break up of my life, and I was still feeling the pain of it when she came back, although I had made quite a lot of progress in that regard. She came back warm, saying nice things to me, saying how important I was to her, saying how alone she was, etc. It made me feel really good at the beginning but I later found out she was actually dating another guy who had recently broken up with her. So the whole thing, along with guilt, was just based on her trying to make herself feel better. She never thought about reconciling. She never thought what imapact it would have on me. She truly only thought about herself. She took a few weeks to 'declare' that she only wanted to be friends. But she was obviously hiding that until that point so she could get all attention and validation she wanted to hard from me. The whole thing had a huge impact because she was giving mixed signals, flirting and making me hopeful to get back together. We even made out during her birthday, when she really behaved as interested as she used to when we were dating. That's when I got the whole "I'm confused", "I need to think about this", etc. The kind of BS you get from someone who's not really that into you. Needless to say I spent another few months feeling miserable again. Feeling inadequate. Feeling not good enough. Feeling like something people use to feel better. I was emotionally unavailable again for quite some time after that. Maybe I still am. In overall it delayed my healing process big time. The good part was that I recognised that something was truly wrong with me too so I went on a big journey to rediscover who I am, what I needed to improve. I started therapy a few months ago, I made huge acomplishments in life and I'm slowly getting my self-respect and self-esteem back. I read a lot on human relationships, psychology, took on meditation and courses to help soothe my anxiety that went through the roof after she broke up with me. It's a difficult and long progress that can be quite easily disrupted by small actions (like a letter from an ex you truly loved). So I think you know what I'm trying to say here. If you want to reconcile, by all means go and send a letter, contact him, whatever. He might say yes or he might say no but it's your prerrogative to try. But if you just want to ease your guilt, please just leave this guy alone and try to forgive yourself for what you may have done without the need to involving him any further.
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