catfeeder

Is she 12? I’d have told her to psss off and mind her own business a long time ago.

It's wonderful to hear that you're enjoying yourself. Given that you're getting a bit swarmed by guys, allow yourself to grow more comfortable turning them down unless and until one inspires you to feel happy about dating him. Otherwise, you can simply tell the guy that you're not open for dating, and you'd like to just enjoy making friends there. Also consider that with meetups, it's the 'new kid' that often gets a lot of attention, and the swarming will settle down. You're not obligated to date anyone--especially from within the groups you really want to continue attending without feeling awkward about any dates-gone-wrong. Remind yourself that you do not need to justify anything about a lack of attraction. That can simply be a 'feeling' rather than a bulleted list of data points. It's reasonable to have a lack of attraction to the majority of people--it's natural odds. Weighing this too heavily will exhaust you, and that can rob you of enjoyment and possibly send you back into the comfort of solitude. Skip that, and allow 'no' to mean 'no,' and that's that. Head high, and thanks for the update. EnjOy!

I'd learn from experience with sis that she views you as a sibling rival, and that you are one person from whom she will not accept criticism. When you raise it, it locks her down harder, and she embeds herself deeper into the problem. People tend to believe what comes out of their own mouth. They can often even convince themselves that a lie is the truth. So when you badmouthed the last BF, she defended him, and she ended up believing her own defense. You created a 'Romeo and Juliet' scenario where, in her isolated position, she clung more tightly to the BF, and viewed the two of them together as "Us against the world..." So what could have run it's course in a reasonably short time with a family in whom she felt she could confide, instead it felt more urgent and possibly passionate. She felt ostracized and humiliated, and she spent the next 11 years trying to force a fit with this guy to save face. I'd avoid creating another face-saving condition for sis. You love her, which means you'll want to help her feel that you are on her side instead of competing with her to be 'right'. We can't prevent our loved ones from making mistakes, but we can offer them a safe place to confide and work through their mistakes instead of hiding them from us. 'Tough love' interventions are reserved for exiling those who can take us down by creating dangerous conditions with substance abuse or criminal activity that presents a risk to us physically or financially. Applying tough love too rigidly to every poor life choice only ostracizes a loved one and pushes them beyond our reach to help. So rather than operate from a place of what she perceives as, "I was right, and I will forever feel justified in 'correcting' your lousy judgment...", I would offer her some humility and vulnerability. I'd express how sorry I am that I made her feel so isolated in the past, and I will never do that to her again. I love her, and I want her to know that she can speak with me, and I won't impose my choices on her. She can think out loud with me and weigh things and try out her own conclusions instead of feeling a need to defend against my judgment. This requires patience for the long run, but it allows HER to speak the negatives, so she can believe them.

I'd say, "Tell it to my lawyer." and block him. Remember WHY you left him, and respect your Self.

It might help not to think of it as a date, just a quick drink to decide whether you'll like him enough to go on an actual date. If so, great, and if not, enjoy the experience for it's own sake, and move onto finding the next potential date. I'd think of him as more likely to meet, not less, as his work has him making and keeping appointments all the time. He IS curious enough about you to set a time to meet you and learn more about you. If he bails at this point, you can be confident to know that it's certainly not about you. He doesn't know you, he's never even met you, so there's nothing about you for him to want to reject. He's just another human being, complete with his own insecurities and vulnerabilities. Meet him on that level. If he turns out to not be a good match, then he won't own the right lens through which to view the right stuff about you. That would only speak of his limitations rather than of any deficiency in you. If you hit it off, great. If not, depersonalize it. "If the train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train." Challenge yourself to see how well you can enjoy a simple drink with someone who is no better than you--and no worse than you. Head high!

Sort of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you've had the answer the whole time. It's right here ^^^. Whenever one demonstrates a capacity for disloyalty, walk away. Don't trick yourself into believing that, somehow, they will only be disloyal to other people.

Good progress. The happy and okay days tend to increase and the sad times decrease, but not exactly on their own. Healing happens to the degree that we participate in moving our focus away from the stuff that keeps us sad. If we sentence ourselves to feeling lousy, and we dwell on the things that keep us feeling that way, then those experiences will feel like they are dragging on, and they won't just change on their own. Hang in there, and keep up the good work.

Cousin sounds like battery acid. The things this woman has said are a reflection on her, not you. People who are cruel to someone who has been kind to them have a problem. It doesn't need be about you personally, or anything you've said or done--it's their belief in a deficiency in themselves. The fact that cousin has concealed her behaviors from your family and others who know you both speaks of her shame for the behavior. She knows it's ugly, yet she'll go out of her way to be hurtful to you when nobody else can hear her. If you think about it, that's pretty sick. I agree with @boltnrun that cousin is jealous of something about you. She likely came home to find that you've grown beautiful or otherwise have traits or potential opportunities that she envies but believes are not present in herself. While that's disconcerting, it also can probably tap some compassion in you. Your plan for limited civility is a good one. One response you might keep in your pocket for when she shocks you with a rude comment is a blanket, "How kind of you to say such a thing." Head high.

Thank you, RR. @Loka56, hovering is a nervous habit that it's best to train yourself to drop. I've found that when someone close treats me as though they take me for granted, pulling back does us both a big favor. I invest my focus in my own interests, mental and physical health, and my own social life, where I dress up and spend my time with people who can use my attention and help. This creates enough of a gap for the other person to reflect. You may find that he grows more attentive once you've moved forward with your own life and you've stopped suffocating him by making him the center of your universe. You'll become more interesting, and he will value you more given that there is now some competition for your attention. Give this man the gift of missing you. You'll thank yourself regardless of whether he steps up, or not. If so, you'll enjoy the renewal of your mutual interest, and if not, you'll have already begun cultivating your world beyond him.

Probably best to ask the pot stirrer who has reported this to stop meddling and stop telling you stuff about her.

Okay, you're answering your own question about why she 'appears' to have moved forward quickly. It hasn't been quick for her. She's been languishing in this partnership for years while enabling you to get worse instead of better. You weren't even well enough to notice the point at which she actually checked out and started noticing other men to potentially date--it could have been years ago. It just took her this long to plan her exit and follow through with it. I once heard a psychologist say that the typical divorce process actually starts on a mental and emotional level about two years prior to one of the partners leaving. So from the outside looking in, friends and family might find it sudden, even while one or both partners have been mentally preparing themselves to get out for a very long time. Whenever it seems sudden to one of the partners, it's either because they haven't been paying attention to the deterioration of the relationship, OR, the exiting partner did a marvelous job of maintaining a reasonably happy face during their position on the homefront, even while they were miserable and planning to leave. My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.

Nah, you replied honestly, and it doesn't really even matter. Nobody can say why she gave you her number in the first place, but to respond to a date invitation with a blanket "I'm working and very busy..." with no offer to reschedule for another time, that pretty much says that she's not interested in dating you. I'd stay civil whenever your paths cross, but I'd skip any further offers to her again. Head high, she's just not the right match for you.

Would you really enjoy a relationship with anyone who would be that superficial? The right girl for you will feel honored that you chose her.

Okay, so why not just walk away from him then? Breakups are not a democracy. You don't need to build a case, you don't need to negotiate, you don't require his approval. You can simply say that you're not feeling it anymore and wish him the best.

Oh, yes, go! You can befriend the guy and network with the team members, especially if there are similar projects in the pipeline where you might be working with that team again. Enjoy!

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Three years is an awfully long engagement. How much of that time were you depressed and drinking?

Why are you surprised? It's kind of meaningless, because in 2 years it's never occurred to you that you were never going to meet the guy anyway. If this helps you to accept that, then good--accept that he's a waste of your time. This really only matters if you've sent him money or you've given him enough information to steal your identity and open accounts in your name. Have you?

I agree. They won't abuse you during tough times--or ever. For ANY reason.

It's natural to feel a bit hed-sped about what you will want or seek when you are ready. The good news is, all you really need to know right now is that you're not feeling ready. You don't need to try to figure out anything. When you allow yourself a mental vacation, the time and distance away from abstract concerns can lead you gently into a new perspective that you can't find right now, while you're too close to the subject. There really is no requirement that you must spin your mind until you land on a plan. There is no secret winning formula that applies to all people--or even the same person who is dealing with different circumstances. Nobody has a standard operating procedure that can combat vulnerability, especially given that our vulnerabilities are part of us, and they needn't be fought. But! You have a good head on your shoulders, and I think you can relax into trusting that feeling vulnerable doesn't automatically make you more likely to encounter a predator. You can trust your own judgment in general, and this means trusting that you will lead yourself to the right answers for you when you are ready to deal with them. And, you don't need to mind'splain yourself to any man right now. If you encounter someone interesting, all plans would go out the window, anyway, and you'll find yourself shooting from the hip to enjoy some fabulous improv in that moment. And it's perfectly fine to exchange a phone number without knowing what you'll do with it. And it's okay to not know what you're going to say today or 'someday'. Embrace mystery, and trust your Self. You've got this!

Ah, I understand. Yes, deliberatus interruptus is not to be tolerated. Back in the day (hee-hee!) we used to refer to such a guy as a 'dig me'.

Yep, alcohol abuse shows up differently in people depending on their weak spot. Some people tank in terms of the liver, or the stomach, or the heart, but the most noticeable impact on some people is the brain. My Dad drank every day, but I never saw him 'drunk' during all those years except for two specific occasions. At age 50 he still had the healthy liver of a teenager, and yet something alarming started happening. He'd tell you a joke--then a half hour later, he'd tell you the same joke. Thankfully, this healed when he went into rehab, but it's not always reversible. Add psychological problems to this, and a nasty drunk can even turn psychotic. So Z was hearing or seeing or smelling or imagining things that never happened. Given that she was already resentful of your comparative success, she started coming out sideways on you--over nothing. Essentially, she was abusive to you. As a go-to memory, the next time you might feel at all sentimental about her, remind yourself how you felt about her when she verbally attacked you and ended up down the embankment.

Sounds like someone who is more focused on his real life than cultivating a cyber presence. He may have enjoyed messaging for a while, but his real life has picked up, and he's no longer interested in messaging.

Frankly, I'd see no point in considering anything beyond this ^^^, and I'd have been out a long time ago. Verbal abuse and name calling isn't 'love,' and I'd love and respect myself enough to walk away from that. This would render whatever went on with his ex irrelevant, because it would render HIM history. Head high.

Oh, c'mOn! I love people who speak with their pets. Maybe a goldfish would weird me out...

Batya is better at this than me. I chickened out while still on the phone. I'd already agreed to meet him before he broke out into cray-cray, so I closed the convo as though everything was fine. Then I messaged him through the app. I didn't expect him to call me back! I froze, and I don't think I answered. I think he went off on my voicemail. I was pretty shook up and was glad that I never told him where I live.