dunkatruck

Thank you for everyone's input. I'm going to tell her I'm taking a step back from our friendship and just axe her from my life completely. I've struggled so hard til now because I've felt guilty for "ruining" our trio but she hasn't seemed to ever feel guilty for dating Sienna's ex or for building a whole bullying campaign against me for months now. I think I have been experiencing friendship burnout for a long time with her. I've been walking away from our interactions just drained and anxious. I never have I walked away from our interactions feeling better and the way she's treated this whole experience and been so insensitive especially with my mental health has been eye opening.

Haha no, they're different people.

Sorry for the word vomit. Been friends with Vanessa for about 9 years now. Even though, I've always considered her a close friend, I could never consider her my "best" friend because I always felt a ways about some of the things she says and I sometimes sense an animosity. People in my life have told me a few times it's best to let the friendship go. We both got out of a relationship about one month apart from each other a year ago. She also had a part to play in my relationship breakdown as my ex said some inappropriate things to her and I was grateful she told me. However, I also didn't love that he felt comfortable enough to say these things to her and she's had a history of stepping on toes. A bit of context, she dated our other best friends (Sienna) ex 5 months after they broke up who was her first relationship and he broke up with her about a year ago. She was warned by us that he would treat her the exact same way he'd treated best friend (emotionally abusive, manipulative, gaslighting, guilt tripping) but she went ahead with it. She also told best friend when it happened that she's not special and she would've done the same to any of us other friends if that was our ex partner. This caused us to be distant from her for a few months before she started demanding space in our lives again and we slowly let her back in but I've always had a tiny bit of a guard up with her compared to Sienna. Sienna's family and friends have told her time and time again that it's not too late to cut her off. So I'm in another relationship now with Stephen and I met him a few months after the my last relationship. We hit it off but I was hesitant to get into another serious commitment after being single for short time but I always felt connected to him. He makes me feel safe and secure and I trust him with my life and I can tell him anything. He comes over once a week to have dinner with my family which I appreciate as my ex cheated on me but also always refused or made excuses to get close to my family after 4 years together. We started exclusively dating 5 months after we initially met but the time in between, we had no labels and I referred to him as my FWB. During this time, he was growing out his hair for his mum who had cancer and was unemployed (took a break from work for about 6 months after working for a few years at his last job and has a different job now currently). Vanessa didn't like these details and told me I could do better. I understood she was looking out for me as a friend but I did defend him as she hadn't met him personally. I was told I make too many excuses for him by her and that I'm a bad friend for not listening to her so I stopped telling her details about the progression of our relationship which made her more upset. During these few months, she also coincidentally met Stephen's best friend Jackson and went on a date with him to which she surprisingly told him the details about how she dated Sienna's ex. Jackson told Stephen who asked me and I briefed him on the history of what happened. Stephen told me it would've been smart for Sienna and I to end our friendship with her there but respects my decision if I continue to stay friends with her. At her birthday dinner a few months ago, Sienna asked what my status is with Stephen and Vanessa butted in and began hassling me. I couldn't even get a word out and whenever I did defend my choices, she would again tell me I'm making excuses and that I'm being a bad friend by not listening to her. I also said I could say the same about her and her choices in the past to which she got angry and there was a moment of drawn out awkward silence. We brushed it off and acted like normal. Days later, she confronted me in front of my other friends and told me how she's been feeling and said the reason she acts this way is because she has only had bad impressions of him and that I haven't told her enough good things to which she asked me to name some. I found it ridiculous that it got to that point and that I had to be chastised in front of my other friends. It was an awkward scenario. She was smug thinking I didn't have anything good to say to which I snapped and listed the good qualities above about him. He also has picked us up in the dead of night multiple times on a moments notice in the middle of nowhere and has dropped Vanessa and my friends home before and this was when we were not even dating yet. He's always asked to be more involved with my friends as he wants them to see him for what he is. Vanessa and I concluded that I would try to involve her in the details more and tell her more about him. A few days after, Vanessa and I were speaking about a work friend who is dating someone of the same ethnicity that she and I were currently seeing. I joked and said we're all peas in a pod. She then said to not group us together because she actually has standards for the men she's seeing. I joked around and told her I preferred my men STI free (her current friend with bennies). She said she'd prefer someone with a mild STI than someone who has long hair. I then told her this was the final time I was speaking on this as I was frustrated we were still having this conversation. It was either she respects my decision or I was never going to share anything about my relationship with her which is unfortunate as we would speak everyday. She said I took too long to name good qualities about him the other day and that she understands now that it's my decision but I should've been more upfront about it from the get go and again, she would be a good friend and listen to her friends if she was in my position. I told her she hasn't listened to us either so she can't be so sure to say that. She didn't apologise for her initial comment and we left it there. I told Stephen about it as I was incredibly frustrated with her. He says she should never speak on having better standards when she dated Sienna's ex. He tells me I deserve better friends as none of his friends (he's had the same friends since childhood and they all seem to get along great) would give him this hard of a time if it were him. This incident took a toll and I haven't reached out to her as often ever since Stephen and I have been official. We have spoken like normal but not as frequent and it's clear to me that we're not as close as neither of us share intimate details about our love lives anymore. During this period, I only reached out to her twice to hang out. A few days ago, she snapped when I took a few hours to respond to her message about a meme and that I have no excuse to take that long to reply. I told her I'm mentally tired (I've shared my struggles with mental health with her before) to which she told me to "get that fixed" to be a "better human being to my friends". She said that she heard her name was brought up when Stephen met my other friends for the first time a few months back. Stephen had asked my other friends if they've heard about Vanessa and what they think of her. I told him that it wasn't an appropriate conversation and he apologised and we've never spoken about it since. However, one of those friends is close to Vanessa and told her. She told me I was a bad friend for not defending her, that my relationship must be boring to be talking about old drama, that my boyfriend is not a good person and that she would never speak bad about me if she had a boyfriend (I find this hard to believe as we found out through another friend that she spoke bad about Sienna multiple times to her ex). I told her I defended her by ending the conversation, that we haven't spoken about it since and that she shouldn't have told Stephen's best friend about it if she was so upset about him knowing. I apologised for not "defending" her more to him in private but he's also my boyfriend who I tell everything to. I brought up that she upset me by trying to compare us when she said I have no standards but she never apologised. Ever since that day, we haven't really spoken and our only interaction is by sending things on TikTok in our group chat with Sienna. We have been friends for a long time, we've had no personal issues with each other really aside from a few moments when she's said some harsh things that I've always boiled down to her personality. I'm wrestling with the decision to stop being friends with her as we've been a close trio for almost a decade now. It's weird for things to change but I also don't like being scrutinised and barraged over sending a late reply. I don't want this to become bigger than it is but I also feel like it never had to get to this point in the first place.

this one hits hard because ive been up close and personal in this couples home and i consider myself like their child. i admire the hell out of my friend and her discipline, tenacity and bravery have helped me get out of a dark place in my life and has helped me improve in many aspects. shes expressed pre-existing doubts about her relationship but their families and friends are all deeply involved and they live together so it's often shoved to the side as they've built so much together already. she was approached by this guy when i was with her and she started off uninterested but has increasingly let him wear her barrier down. he is persisting despite her initially telling him shes taken and keeps asking her for seemingly "innocent" hangouts. per my advice, she's turned down every one of them and from where we last left it, she refused to give him her contact to avoid meeting outside of the gym. then a few days later, she contacts me to let me know she's having dinner with him? and she's told her partner that she'll be with me instead. she justifies that she's not doing anything physical with him but i'm not sure if she'd even tell me if she does. and this seems to delve into the realm of emotional cheating. i've expressed that i don't like the guy or trust him and told her to be careful and talk to her spouse to try salvage the relationship but it seems she has little desire or faith in that getting anywhere. i've been on the receiving end of an untruthful/unfaithful partner and it's been on my mind constantly. i can't sleep without feeling guilt-ridden. i don't want this to affect our friendship as i've seen her get defensive about it when i've criticised it. i'm going to tell her i don't want anymore involvement from this point onward. this isn't sitting right with my spirit but i just don't know what to think anymore.

yeah it is. i can avoid him and i've had him blocked and not spoken or reached out to him since it happened a week ago. i'm just struggling mentally and am trying to forgive myself for giving him so many chances.

i dated this guy for 4 years and he was my first relationship, first everything. over 4 years, we'd broken up 3 times. the first because he'd cheated on me, the second over amicable differences and now, because he'd done the unspeakable and said some suggestive things to my best friend and asked her to keep it from me. because we'd had our share of issues in the past, i would have my guard up most of the relationship and didn't express love or affection for him nearly as much as i wanted to. i would've loved to let go and wear my heart on my sleeve but i think a part of me was always scared i would get hurt again. to summarise, my best friend has been single for one month and is going through a tough breakup herself. my ex was comforting her over chat and told her if he were single (and also during our breakup more than 2 years ago), he would've pursued her because she's always been the best, nicest and most welcoming to him of my friends. and he complimented her looks inappropriately. he told her to keep it between them. (he also would sometimes say negative things about her looks during our relationship which would cause fights but is complimenting her extensively to her face?) my friend pulled me aside two days later and told me. with no hesitation while he was asleep, i sent a final curt message thanking him for everything but that i had enough tolerating disrespect and wished him the best. i blocked him off every platform and his number also. i made the mistake every other time of letting him explain himself first which is why we'd get back together again. he got mad at my friend for telling me and insisted it was something of the past and unfriended her. he has been posting on his stories that his friends are great people because they took him out to a bar after he'd been "dumped over text" and is essentially airing it out for all his followers and mutuals (including my own family) to see. my friend also saw that he tweeted that i had no respect for him to at least dump him over call. over the weekend, i went to a music event that we planned to go together originally but i went with my best group of friends. i had fun but was anxious id run into him but my friends assured me there were too many people and they'd guard me. but half an hour before the event finished, he suddenly walks up to me and in a 5 second interaction says, i know you must hate me to my core but i hope you have a good night. i was too in shock and was frozen so i just nodded and shrugged him. i held my composure and didn't cry or anything. later on late in the night, i get a notification from a bank transfer app (forgot to block him here) that he sent me $1 and captioned it "i hope u can see this. im sorry for what happened. i hope u had a good night". my friends boyfriend showed me his latest instagram post about the music event, and his friend in the comments says she's praying "____" will message him (____ is a dj that shares the same name as me that he would always reference as a joke to me). i don't know if this is on purpose and that he'd want me to see it but it's so astounding how public he's making this. i don't understand how publicly, he's crying wolf and acting victim that he got dumped in a cold way but to me, has said he's sorry and he obviously knows what he's done wrong. my best friend has also been comforting me and been my shoulder to cry on. i appreciate her telling me and being there for me but a part of me also can't help but compare myself to her now too. i'm very crushed because i only just started warming up to the idea of us settling down and getting married because he'd call me his dream girl and that he couldn't wait to spend forever with me and had done a lot in trying to earn my trust back. i just don't understand how he could be saying this but looking at my friend the entire time. i'm struggling badly mentally. i was doing better the first few days but now that i'm settling back into regular life, it stays on my mind every minute. i woke up from a dream where i knew he wasn't right for me but i was stubborn and didn't want to let go. i wake up and reality settles in and i become broken all over again. my subconscious is so attuned to wanting him. every other time, i knew there was a possibility we'd get back together but it's very different this time because i know for my longterm happiness, it can't be this way and that i'll never get the respect i want by forgiving him. i just never knew it would end this badly. aside from our relationship, he would only hang out with his highschool guy friends at pubs and has a busy work schedule so he told me he only really has me to experience and go many places with. the selfish part of me wants to know what he's thinking, if he regrets it, if he'll think of me as often as i do and wants him to reach out somehow with a proper apology and to tell me what i want to hear but i know it's selfish and i can't always have the closure i want. in a twisted way, i just want the satisfaction of him begging for me back while i turn him away. i know everyone tells me i'll meet someone else better for me but it's hard because even after he did me wrong, i still doubt i'll find someone who could ever make me feel like he did during the good parts. i'm afraid to express these thoughts to my friends so i had to do a lengthy unload here.