catfeeder

Sounds as though he might be covering for feeling guilty about this. You're the only one who knows the merits of this guy. We can only respond to the complaints you're writing about, and, yes, he comes off as horrible. Personally, I'd put him on notice that I keep trying to reach for all of the good things I know about him, because right now, I'm at my wits end with his resistance to showing me that he cares. If he wants to step up and make this an easier time for me rather than a more difficult one, there's no time like the present.

What, exactly, are these things?

...and so you can't tell whether she was actually pulling away or whether you scared her away. None of us can read those tea leaves, either. Sometimes a major life event, like a hospital stay during a worldwide pandemic, can prompt a person to need some free-form time to relax with trusted friends rather than scheduled time with someone less well-known. That could have been an easily navigated bump in the road, OR, it could have been the pull-away you feared. That answer would have become evident on its own. Instead, you've cut yourself off from valuable information. That's not a crime, but this can teach you WHY you won't want to do that again. I'd leave this alone. If you ever hear from this woman again, you can possibly rekindle with some patience and a willingness to live with uncertainty until SHE is willing to raise whatever shut her down. Head high, we all learn by living.

Good and important questions. When you know that your jealousy is unprovoked and is being raised internally rather than by suspicious behaviors of another, then you get an 'A+' in self-awareness, and you're already ahead by leaps and bounds in terms of a therapeutic process. However, as you've noticed, awareness alone is not a cure. So why not hire an expert who is trained in this stuff to work with you? People have no problem hiring a plumber to fix pipes or a tax specialist to handle their money, and yet they'll allow a single less tangible problem to wreck the quality of their whole lives. New dating is a volatile and unpredictable and vulnerable time under the best of conditions. Why set yourself up to suffer real damage over a guy who you don't even know well enough to trust yet? I mean, if this guy were to bail for some other stupid reason, you'd assign one of these females as the reason regardless--and how would this help you to navigate your next relationship? I'd rather begin my process of recovery now, and then whatever happens with this guy will be stuff you'll be able to view through the right lens rather than through a microscope you've focused like a laser beam onto stuff that may not even be accurate. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Seraphim is giving you important insight to consider, which can serve to your advantage in keeping your relationship alive with daughter. Nobody has the power or the ability to rationalize or regulate how a person (of ANY age) feels about a parent. The most that we can do for a loved one who is of age to choose the scope of their own relationship is to voice our availability as an ally rather than allow ourselves to be perceived as an adversary. While this can mean that if daughter doesn't like a condition of living under your roof she can threaten (or carry out the threat) to live with her father, you have a choice to reconsider whether your condition is alterable, OR, you can tell her that your door remains open should she reconsider... ... AND you can create the right condition for her to reconsider. It might be helpful to offer a focused situation, such as treating daughter to a mani-pedi with you or a meal at a restaurant of her choice, or whatever--and during this time of positive bonding, explain that you'd like daughter to pretend that she is a parent who loves her teenager who wants to break (the specific rule in question). Explain in detail some of the potential consequences you fear, and then ask daughter to explain to you what a parent can do to help HER child prevent those consequences. If daughter gets defensive, ask her to back up and teach YOU what she would want for HER child, and how she would go about helping her child to reach that goal. Regardless of where the conversation lands, be prepared to back up YOURSELF and thank daughter for trying to hear your point of view. You hope that daughter has a better grasp of your reasons for upholding this particular rule, and your door is open for her to return if things don't work out well with her father. AND, she's welcome to come over regularly for (brunch, laundry, Tuesday dinners, name-your-incentive). This can cement your bond with daughter rather than alienate her from you regardless of outcomes. Should she choose to live with her father, understand that this is typical of teenagers regardless of how wonderful their current home may be--it's often something they just need to try our for themselves. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Why not just ask her what showing-you-care means to her? Then, if her wishes are not objectionable to you, you'll have a clear understanding of what to do next.

Going straight from zero-to-marriage proposal makes no sense. If current BF is a great guy but still has you feeling as though he's not your lifetime match, then stop wasting your time--and his--and get out of that. From there, you can grieve, heal, then normalize into a position of clearer thinking about what you want and discovering healthy ways to get it. You can't reach that higher ground by settling into a relationship that leaves room for wishing you were with someone else, regardless of who that someone else might be.

I would tell wife that I love her, and that's not going to change, even while I will no longer allow myself to be mistreated by anyone, much less in my own home. That's why I need to walk away while we still think highly of one another. We can negotiate down the road whether or when we might remain in contact or see one another outside of her household, but in the meantime I need to remove myself from this situation. And that's as far as I'd go at the moment--no threats, no discussion of divorce. However, I would certainly seek legal advice given that in some locations it could protect me from any further debts if I file for legal separation, and there might be other legal protections that I should invoke. You can choose to view this as a bump in the road that might someday resolve itself if you look out for yourself and allow the chips to fall, or you can elevate this into a premature conclusion and react to it as such. I would limit my own reaction to one of self interest and self protection, then I'd allow for the consequences of that to either motivate wife to step up--or not. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Dear Limichelle, I'm so glad to see such a declaration from you, and I can appreciate that this is an important thing to put into words and post. Consider yourself heard by the universe as well as a stranger who joins with you in affirming your intrinsic and unalterable value as well as your capacity to give and receive love. (((Big HUG))) to you, darling! Cat

Ah, this is a nice problem to have, but I get it. Factor in that you've had enough circumstances come between you to add uncertainty--which can ramp up some background anxiety. Kind of a Romeo and Juliet effect. Trust that you'll be able to normalize this over time. Your mind may be rational, but as you've noticed, this doesn't automatically assuage whatever emotions your body may be reading and reacting to. I hope you'll write more if it helps and let us know how things are going. This is exciting, and I don't see a point in trying to pretend otherwise--your system knows, so see what kind of relaxation techniques you can find and try out to lower your reactivity in a natural way. Focus on the heart area with regard to breathing and meditation, as this energy center regulates all others. Do NOT focus on the stomach, as a concentration there can have the opposite of a healing impact. Your body can be calmed by a focus on your breathing. Slow that by holding to a count of 4, exhaling to a count of 4, holding again to a count of 4, then inhaling to a count of 4. (This is called Square breathing, you can look it up.) Fingers crossed for you!

How about not viewing any of it as 'bad,' but rather, what if its all just part of learning? When we can get 'okay' with that, then taking personal responsibility for any time we miss a mark is not such a big deal. Self-forgiveness is not the same thing a over-looking an error. Self forgiveness teaches us how to be compassionate even while we recognize and learn important things, while the best byproduct becomes an automatic compassion and forgiveness toward others. This is an uplifting cycle, because we become less likely to turn defensive and give others the impression that we don't CARE when we make a mistake, especially if it hurts them. We also avoid the other extreme--beating ourselves up--which actually comes off as narcissistic, because it makes everything all about ME and MY flaws. The 'balance' is a recognition that I messed up, and I'm really sorry--and I get it to the point where I can promise that I will never do that to YOU, or myself, ever again. So balance is stepping outside of being ME-centric. It's learning to embrace human fallibility to the degree that it's okay to admit faults, it's natural to apologize, but it's about helping ourselves AND OTHERS to feel better rather than drilling into a downward spiral that makes ourselves AND OTHERS feel lousy. Head high, and write more if it helps.

I agree. We can't make up stuff and project it onto the future with any kind of accuracy. So it makes no sense to live your life according to such arbitrary concoctions. Plenty of 'only' children thrive, and plenty of siblings blame their only causes of misery on a brother or sister. Only do what feels right for you--and if that means opting out of decision-making for a time, then embrace that option unless and until you WANT to focus on the issue again. Meanwhile, skip living a perpetual see-saw, and relax away from trying to 'see' for a while. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Why not just set a date to treat him out and make him feel special? During that meal you can negotiate other ideas with one another to help you BOTH feel important going forward. Honestly, if a guy I'm otherwise happy with were to spell out so clearly one thing that he wished from me, I'd thank him for his patience with me for not getting it this whole time, and I'd offer him his wish with gusto--and I'd make it up to him. Head high, and focus on your priorities. If one of those is to cherish your relationship, then step up and DO that.

I would just keep dating her and learn what happens as you start to feel more comfortable with her. Make that comfort your goal instead of assigning yourself behaviors only to suffer discomfort when you don't perform those.

I'd be less concerned with 'normal' by anyone else's standards, and I'd deal instead with how I would feel about this BF raising my own sister. To call that a turn-off would be mild, matched only by the horror of discovering that I'd never seen any sooner the STUPIDITY in such a man who would say this to me. I can handle kink, but stupid? Not a shot.

While one thing you could consider is getting an assessment from a therapist, if you're not ready to do that, you could ask a therapist what kinds of treatments are available for early childhood molestation. From there you can consider whether you'll want to pursue help from someone who is trained to work with you.

Whenever someone blames you for THEIR behaviors, what should that tell you? I agree with the suggestion to research 'gaslighting'. Head high, you made the right decision.

It's fine for work ethic to be one of your dealbreakers. You've given BF a year and a half to demo his, and what did he show you? Head high, and be kind to yourself.

Your gynecologist is trained to identify which smells are okay versus which signal yeast or another kind of infection. Why not set an appointment?

I agree. I don't tend to suggest that people must drop all hope of reconciliation after a breakup, because when grieving and trying to heal, that's a tough nut to crack--and it's unnecessary. Hope can be something we can set onto a back burner as a comfort, even while we put our focus forward on self-development and reaching our own private higher ground. The good news is, as we start climbing, our own investments become more important, and the ex becomes less and less relevant. At some point, we either gain a new perspective--to the degree that we wouldn't even want the ex back anyway, OR, we grow into someone who would not accept the relationship the way that it was--AND we have the vision to see whether the ex has grown into someone who could satisfy the person we've become.

It doesn't sound as though this^^ was ever resolved. Your first fight was 'around' this problem, but you don't mention that you ever really cleared the air about it directly. So... it played itself out again. He wasn't behaving in ways that aligned with his assertions. You came out sideways in a general way of speaking about 'all' boyfriends, and once again, in yet another un-straight-forward way, you passed on clarifying for him (and yourself) the ways in which his behaviors and words didn't match. I'd chalk this off as a 'wish-and-miss'. Sure, it would have been great if the two of you enjoyed simpatico together, but it just wasn't there. This doesn't speak of anything 'wrong' with you, but rather, it speaks of his limits--and you never would have felt the 'click' with this guy that you want in a relationship. You've known this for a while, and THAT is what got you upset. Sometimes we need to take the longer road and the harder way to learn this unfortunate fact about someone who we WISH could be compatible, but they just are not. Head high, and write more if it helps.

I like Bolt's advice. Also, the above does NOT say, "You must inform your manager before applying...." If you receive an INformal offer, you can notify your boss. Unless and until then, you get to decide the right time and the right degree to which you'll want to pitch your desire for mobility to your boss.

I wouldn't bother. Why would I want to position myself to badger someone else into being honest? Either someone is trust-worthy, or they are not. If not, they can go play with someone else--I'm out.

Yep. I can't help but lose respect for any guy who tries to play down the middle. Either someone is honest with EVERYone in their life, or they're not trustworthy. I think this guy is showing you how to dodge a bullet.

If my BF had one friend who he's spoken about but is the only one of his friends who I've never met, that alone would make him stand out as a special interest to me. You either believe that BF is trustworthy, or you don't. If not, then that doesn't really say anything about this particular friend--it's a much larger issue.