adee07

Hello All, My husband and I have been trying for our 2nd baby since May so about 5 months now. I'm 32 and had our first 4 years ago. We had no issues conceiving with her-happened the first try. I did have health issues after having our first including significant vit d deficiency, mast cell disorder, vestibular issues, GERD and worsening eye condition. These things have all been handled and have been pretty stable for the last 2 years. I do continue to have joint pain that I believe is abnormal for my age (hands and feet get very stiff/swollen/achy, painful/stiff hips that I tried chiropractor, PT, and cortisone injection for, stiff low back), however many labs have been run (2-3 times repeated now) and nothing comes back abnormal. I'm starting to feel myself getting down on our bad luck so far to conceive a second baby. I was on birth control pills, and when I stopped them discovered my cycles are about 6 weeks long. I had been on birth control for so long that I honestly can't remember if I ever had longer cycles previously. I want to say they were normal in middle school/early high school before starting birth control, but I was young and inexperienced with that. I've been trying ovulation test strips and during the last cycle, did get a darker line at one point, however obviously didn't get pregnant. This time around, I was testing twice daily and never got a really dark line. I did have an ultrasound completed back in June for some pain (everything was normal) and I know they noted a dominant follicle at the time so I feel like I must be ovulating? I don't want to start stressing because I know that can make things worse. But I'm starting to feel like this may not happen for us and I have mixed feelings (it took me a while to decide to go ahead with a second after the health issues I had). I didn't want to even have kids in my 30's....I know life doesn't always work out the way you hope, but I really don't want to be starting over with a new baby in my mid 30's. We had originally planned on trying until the end of the year or possibly very early spring at latest....I guess I'm unsure what I'm looking for here. I guess any words of wisdom or advice? We don't want to go through fertility treatments either. I just feel like I'm letting us down. My husband is super supportive but I just feel like it will feel almost like a grieving process if this doesn't work for us. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it!

Thank you very much for sharing your story and I'm so glad your cousin was able to be helped, how scary! We really have been feeling curious/concerned about the current daycare having a part in our daughter's behaviors as well. We're taking it all very seriously. Thank you again for your input, much appreciated.

These have been our thoughts as well....if I'm seeing these things when I'm there, how on earth does she act when we're not there? However, I guess our thought process was if she was that bad to them, wouldn't our daughter be upset about going there? I suppose she's just not been old enough to express these things in the past, but I thought maybe she'd be upset/cry about being left there but she's always happy to run off and start playing. We could play a guessing game forever I suppose lol But yes, even as I'm typing these stories now it really has made me think about all these red flags for behavior. I agree that maybe there could still be something out of sorts for our girl's behavior, but this atmosphere most likely isn't helping anything. I sent out another email this morning to check on a wait list for a different place. Thank you for the support! I'm definitely not body shaming, sorry if you took offense. I was just trying to get the point across that she has these health conditions, but does nothing to help herself. Just yesterday she was bragging about having Olive Garden for dinner. It's always some greasy, unhealthy meal (she posts these on facebook) and she has shared with me her lab results etc so I know she's definitely in need of some change, but she just doesn't seem to care too much or maybe struggles with an addiction here, honestly I'm not sure! But I just think when you feel miserable, or your body is not in the best shape, it's got to make it difficult to do things such as keep up with toddlers all day. Therefore maybe that's where some of her quick-to-yell behavior comes from? Either way, I just don't think she's in the right field of work anymore. I know she's looking to retire in the next few years, so I'm sure she's just in this "f*ck it" mode (she makes comments like this quite a bit about things). These things do not come from an uneducated place either. I know a lot of people do make judgements on others when they know nothing about healthcare/nutrition etc. I've worked in healthcare in different areas for 12 years now and have been back to college twice so I like to believe I have a good understanding of a few topics when it comes to health 🙂 All this being said, I know she feeds a lot of junk food to the kids too and I'm wondering if this ever has anything to do with impacting my daughter's behavior. We by no means are perfect, but we don't keep much junk food in our house and we try to go for things like fruits, grains, yogurt with an occasional treat for our daughter such as pudding or chocolate. I've heard/read some interesting things on sugar, food dyes, etc being linked to behavior issues as well......man it's so hard to know what's causing issues!! I suppose that's why I'm not a professional in behavioral/mental health!

Yes, I give childcare providers a lot of credit for what they do. I can't imagine being around very young children all day everyday! The reason I gave her a hug was because I had very limited time, needed to get to work, and we did not see what actually happened in the situation, therefore I didn't want to start a disciplinary action at the time. I wanted her to feel loved as she was clearly upset, but also wanted to remind her she needs to share with the others and listen to her daycare provider. But I completely understand where you're coming from-when we know she's done something wrong she definitely doesn't get a hug for it! Our daycare lady is honestly a very lazy person. She has a big computer set up right in the daycare room and she sits on facebook and shops online constantly. I know this because it's always on the screen and we are friends on facebook-she posts a million things a day. Has always bugged me that we pay her and she's online a lot. She also does not take care of herself. She is very obese, has diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. She has shared all these things with me and she leaves often to go to doctor appts. She orders out food constantly and goes to wineries left and right. Of course I would never knock someone for doing things that make them happy/relieve stress, but I just wonder if being so unhealthy contributes to her attitude as well. Yesterday, my daughter and I walked in for drop off to her YELLING at a child (I would guess he's around 8-9yrs old). I had to leave quickly because I was called to another location for work, but as I was walking out the door she was yelling "GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT AND GET IT!" I just cringed leaving my daughter there. Don't get me wrong-she has been a nice person to us. She has given us things from rummage sales (clothes, toys) but we've just not had great gut feelings anymore witnessing more things like this.

This sounds like your daughter was in a great daycare, or at least had caring, knowledgeable staff to address any issues. I believe this is what we've come to realize is missing from our current daycare. The provider almost seems like she's just "over it" as I've seen her yell at kids many times and I've never seen her talk to them calmly or take the time to explain things. However, that being said, I'm obviously only there a few minutes a day so I may be missing it during the day....but she comes across as pretty rough. Only a week ago, I dropped my daughter off and she ran over to another girl as I was talking to the daycare provider. The girls were sort of out of my view, but we all the sudden heard yelling and "NO I HAD IT FIRST!" and the daycare lady basically walked over and yelled my daughter's name and "GET OFF HER!" (we definitely have issues sharing)....but then both girls started crying and our daycare lady just basically rolled her eyes and walked away. I felt terrible and I called my daughter over and asked if she'd like another hug before I left and she did. I then told her that she needed to share nicely with the other kids and I said "have a good day, I will see you after work." It just doesn't sit well with me to have someone flat out scream at my child and then leave her to cry. I'm absolutely for discussing things with her and time-outs if she's being rough and not listening etc but to just leave her sit there? Ugh. This is just a long winded way of saying we've started to see things like this recently that make us wonder if this environment is causing issues in our lives with her behavior. However, we are trying like crazy to find a new place but EVERYWHERE in our area is unfortunately full. The soonest we can find right now is this upcoming summer. We are on the wait list! Thank you for sharing your story!

I suppose I'm not sure if "gently" was the right word. Honestly, I've always had a very introverted personality myself, I'd be perfectly content being at home 95% of the time. My point in saying this is that I've always struggled a bit to speak up to other adults. It's my own anxiety that I've had since i was 14. Don't get me wrong, I've come a very long way, especially since becoming a mom, but I just feel awkward at times talking to other adults(unless someone really makes me mad, then I seem to overreact without a care). I'm told by many that I don't come across shy at all and that I'm actually very well spoken (I get compliments all the time from my patients), however it just feels hard inside lol So when it comes to asking our daycare provider, sometimes there's just a lot going on, kids running around etc and so I've tried to say "I'm not sure if she does it here, but at home she's been spitting at us when she's mad" and this is when our daycare lady just shrugs and will carry on telling a child to sit down or what not, so I let it go. Our daycare lady has been in business for 30yrs, so I know she's had a lot of kids and she does seem very used to kids misbehaving, but I just wonder if our daughter needs a different, more involved environment. We've definitely had people tell us that she's very smart.

Thank you all for your positive input/feedback, it's much appreciated! We've definitely been trying some of the things you've touched on such as ignoring bad behavior and acknowledging good things. For example tonight at home, she came over to me nicely and asked "mommy can you please get me my milk, please?" And I thanked her for asking so nicely and she smiled. Seems very simple, but for her to calmly ask and wait for a response was big for her. We had another big meltdown today at daycare pick up. She was refusing to get in the car to go home. Yelling, crying. It took about 10minutes to calm her down enough to get her buckled in. She was hitting/kicking and didn't want to be restrained in her seat. It's just things like this that can be very overwhelming. We try different tactics, but haven't found anything real solid to help calm her down. We just have to hope she comes around quickly. We started to look into some local professionals and plan to send a message out to her doctor as well for any recommendations on any type of therapist to possibly evaluate her. I know @Batya33mentioned watching old episodes of super nanny and I might do this as well, I remember watching that show when I was younger!

Thank you for your professional input! It's been a hard thing to figure out when everyone in our personal lives keep telling us that she's perfectly normal, just more strong willed and daring. We've been told to give her time because it's a hard age since yes, toddlers have short attention spans and all that. It's interesting because at home, for the most part, she's able to listen and calm down when upset etc. Yes she's very active, but otherwise ok. It's any sort of social environment we've started to notice her change...like she's in a zone almost and just won't or can't listen. Screams if you try to talk to her about naughty behavior or anything along those lines etc. I guess we thought maybe daycare would tell us if something seemed odd too, but we haven't heard a word besides the fact that she says NO a lot (to picking up toys etc). It's very overwhelming, but at this point it feels like she should be evaluated and if they say she seems fine, then great, but I worry about holding off like you mentioned in case there is something up with her.

You brought up many good points here, thank you! I will check out the book you mentioned as well, luckily I'm a big lover of reading so this is right up my alley. Thank you for the time you took in your response, it's much appreciated.

Thank you for this, I'm very interested in reading it. Appreciate it a lot!

Thank you for sharing this, I like to say I'm pretty honest with my life and maybe we lean a little too much on the side of NOT treating enough? If that's a thing. We don't keep many sweets in the house and rarely go out for treats or many "fun" things, partly because we are worried about the actions/behaviors of our daughter. That being said, as I was reading what you wrote about your friend, I realize my mom gives my daughter A LOT of treats. She's always using snacks/treats in examples such as: husband goes to pick her up from my parents house, she throws a tantrum because she doesn't want to leave, my mom then provides a treat/snack saying "ok here you can have this in the car if you behave" and then gives it to her to take to the car. It works.....but makes me wonder if it's backfiring a bit. I know our daycare provider has done this as well. Something to keep in mind, but I agree with a few of you on here stating it may be worth it just to get a professional opinion. I appreciate your time and responses!

This is very interesting, thank you so much for sharing this. It makes me wonder if we're just not meeting her needs somewhere whether it be how to handle her emotions or if anything else is going on that's holding her back. Honestly, she doesn't show any developmental issues otherwise. She learned her colors and how to count very early on and has been speaking in full sentences for a long while now. But we just cannot figure out the tantrums/attitude/screaming. Again, thank you and I will be sharing these things with my husband tonight so we can discuss.

Thank you so much, I do love her with all my heart and this has been very difficult to process in a busy life! We need to buckle down on the daycare provider a little more and ask some to-the-point questions I think. When I've tried to bring things up gently recently, I feel like our daycare lady sort of brushes me off or shrugs, acting like it's not a huge deal. I guess we have sort of thought "ok maybe she does ok there otherwise you'd think we'd be told?" We're actually in the process of trying to find a new daycare for her to see if this maybe helps. Her current daycare is very much so a "free for all" and they have no structure what so ever....I don't think this does my daughter any favors. Unfortunately daycare is SO HARD to find, ugh. We're on wait lists.

We saw her pediatrician about 2 months ago and he did not seem overly concerned. He told me if it's something that continues into preschool/kindergarten or causes major issues at daycare that we would then be referred to see someone. I would never torture my child and I work in the medical field as well. I have been using my resources and just haven't had anyone come out and say yes she needs to be evaluated, therefore I thought I'd reach out to get other experienced parents opinions/advice. We do not have any major genetic issues in my family or my husbands that we are aware of, which is also what caused me to hesitate and reach out to others. If I knew there was something out there in our genetics, I definitely would've brought it up to her pediatrician. I do struggle with anxiety myself, however mine has been brought on mainly by many other health issues i developed after my pregnancy. We're also in the process of switching over insurance and we do not know where she can be seen at until we get the paperwork. If we had plenty of money sitting around I'd be able to take her right now, however I didn't think this was life or death therefore thought I'd reach out to the public while we're waiting on insurance. Healthcare in the US sucks, coming from someone who's also employed in it.

Hello, We've always had a VERY hard time raising our now 3 yr old daughter. She was born 6 weeks early, battled acid reflux as a baby but otherwise no deficits thankfully. She cried seemingly all the time. Obviously I know there were happy moments, but when we look back, it just feels like it was always a struggle. She had "witching hours" for 4 months where she'd just SCREAM every single night from 6pm-8pm. As she's gotten older, she just seems different than other kids we know and/or see in public. She really struggles to share & causes lots of fights that way. Just cannot seem to grasp the idea even though we've been over it a million times. It seems like the only person in the world she listens to the best is my mom, her grandma. She's the only one of the grandkids who throws MULTIPLE tantrums every single time we're anywhere but home. I'm talking on the ground flailing etc. Sometimes she'll just lay there, we'll try to go to her &that'll make her SCREAM bloody murder. We've done a lot of research on handling emotions, gentle talking, keeping calm, acknowledging feelings etc but we can't seem to get through to her. Example: We went to a local garden to look at holiday lights. She would NOT listen. Purposely running into strangers&if we tried to grab her hand etc to lead her away from them she'd start this high pitched screaming. I felt so embarrassed, SO MANY people she did this to&they just looked at us like we're crazy. She threw herself on the ground in the middle of walkways multiple times so people had to go around her. I tried multiple times to kneel down at her level&ask her if something was wrong, or tell her to please listen/stay with our group, &even threatened leaving etc but every time I try to do this, she just does that scream&won't stop til I walk away. My sister, who has 2 daughters of her own, also tried to kneel down&talk to her& she just screamed at her too...how embarrassing. I'm using this story because it was really recent, but she's like this anytime we try to have experiences with her & we end up leaving exhausted, frustrated, and never wanting to leave the house. We recently started swim lessons&the kids sit on the steps of the pool& the teacher takes them one at a time to practice skills. They make this very quick so not much time in between, however our daughter CANNOT sit still on those steps. I don't expect perfection at all from a 3 yr old, but she has multiple kids the same age as her who sit nicely&listen while she bounces all over/bumping into the other kids/wants toys & if the toys start to float away she gets really upset etc. The teacher has to talk to her multiple times to not worry about the toys&remind her that it's her turn. She's great at her skills, in fact they're actually moving us up to the next level because her skills are great, but also because she can't seem to sit still in this class. They're wondering if she's not challenged enough, but we see this happen at other places too. She recently really struggles to sit at the dinner table. We're lucky if she takes 2 bites of food before she's yelling that she's done/trying to get down. Its a constant battle. If we let her down after a few mins, then without fail 20-30mins later she's asking for food/saying she's hungry. We always save her plate & make her have that. Sometimes she'll take a few more bites on the run, other times she says no/just won't eat. I just realized typing this, she's always pretty good at breakfast though. At home, it seems she can't just sit down& relax unless something good is on TV. Otherwise, she's constantly getting into trouble, pushing our buttons by getting into stuff she shouldn't, runs laps around the house. If we try to get her to sit&color for once, we're lucky if that lasts 5 mins. She doesn't hardly sit& play with any of her toys. And I want to add another random issue: potty training. Its been HARD. After 4 months, she's maybe 75-80% pee trained, but like 0% poop...she will NOT stop pooping in pants no matter what we try. When we put her on the potty, she barely sits there for 3 secs before she bounces back up saying "can't go yet"...we ask her to just try & she refuses. We've learned to not push her, as this makes it worse. But I guess I thought after 4 months we'd be at a better spot. She's in undies all day except overnight. She's had treats, praise, prizes etc but nothing sticks. I've even made her help clean herself up....that backfired because she seemed to really enjoy helping. Her most recent strange thing (to me, no experience with it?) is that she started holding food in her mouth. This just started about 2 weeks ago. It's happened twice with string cheese,once with oranges, once with blueberries/grapes. Just chews it all up then holds it in her mouth refusing to swallow. Today she did it again&after 25mins she said "it won't work" pointing at her throat& had to spit out the food into the garbage again. She's ALWAYS been a very, very picky eater. For a long while she was considered "too low" on the weight/BMI chart but we just couldn't get her to eat. She hates pretty much any type of meat or vegetable. But these foods that she's been holding in her mouth are by no means new...in fact they're some of the few things she happily eats without issue. My husband& I are very big on not putting "labels" on our daughter, however we both have started wondering about things like ADHD or some sort of sensory issue? When I've googled these things, it seems as though we should wait until school age to look at taking to doctor for a diagnosis, but we're so lost. We'd like to enjoy family outings &we honestly have wanted to add a second child to our family, but this one is SO MUCH WORK for us that we're at a loss. Does this sound like typical toddler behavior? My parents like to say she's just more challenging than others/still perfectly normal...but then my mom went off& bought my daughter a type of "fidget bracelet" ...that to me sounds like she thinks maybe somethings up too? She didn't get any of the other grandkids one. She goes to daycare 3 days/week &is home with me 2 days/week. So she gets exposure to other kids etc and has since she was 8months old. We've had concerns about our daycare provider snapping at kids/giving lots of time outs etc....but with the way our daughter acts, it's hard to blame her sometimes. We know there's a girl our daughter doesn't get along with, she says she pushes her/hits her& I've witnessed this, however our daughter isn't totally innocent either so this is hard to decipher. They are about the same age. I'm sorry for the long post. I was just trying to cover the major points so thank you for reading and I sincerely appreciate any advice/insight.... Sincerely, One very stressed out Momma!