catfeeder

Here is your answer. Even if you can manipulate her back, that would just be setting yourself up for the same breakup, different day. If the woman ever decides that she made a mistake and DOES see a future with you, she'll have no problem letting you know this, regardless of how you reacted to the breakup. Rather than trying to squelch any hope of that (if that's even possible) I'd put it on my back burner as a comfort while I move forward with my own self development to build a future for myself that I can be proud of. That's a win/win, because if ex never wants to reconcile you'll have made great strides in healing, and you'll grow confident in your resilience. If she ever does want to reconcile, you'll be better positioned to negotiate that rather than feeling like a one-down sad sap who hovered in grief and never grew from this experience. Head high, and write more if it helps.

You are not required to diagnose or prescribe or announce your readiness--for anything. There is no rule book to break or some judge and jury to sentence you if you make a mistake. You can only decide privately what you WANT to try out and learn from. You are the only one who can experiment with your own process. Nobody else is living your life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. If you feel happy receiving texts, then receive and respond to them. If you are willing to allow yourself some moments of pleasure in the company of another, then do that, let the chips fall, and then embrace the mixes of emotions afterward as part of your grieving. If those emotions allow you a pass-through to a better place, then consider them part of your healing process. If those emotions lead you to a darker place of suffering, then consider them a signpost that you need more time on your own. From there, you can gently explain this to the new guy, and ask him whether he'd willing to pause and possibly catch up with you at a later time. There are no RULES, only learning as we go. If you sense that you're leading yourself to a better place, go there. If you sense that you're leading yourself to a worse place, stop and take a breather. Head high, we're all in your corner.

The most important thing I needed to learn regarding relationships is that I do NOT need to 'build a case' in order to exit one. You don't need a 'good enough' reason that some imaginary judge and jury would agree with in order to leave a relationship. You are 'allowed' and 'entitled' to choose your own vision of your future as you see fit. A partner does NOT need to be a villain in order to justify leaving a relationship. In fact, you do not need to justify your choice to anyone. It's not only allowed, but common, to outgrow a relationship--even with a perfectly wonderful person. This does not make you a villain, it makes you a human. Most importantly, you do NOT need to 'sell' your partner on the idea of accepting the breakup. That's not your job. Your job has limits, and that's to act in your best interests and trust that in some way, shape or form, this action doubles as also acting in his best long-range interests--and you don't need to be able to define those. Do not make the mistake of operating outside of your scope in order to appease partner or try to soften the blow no matter how much you still love him and wish him well. That's messy, it will backfire, and it's not of any value to either of you. Trust that partner is a grown man, he CAN thrive again if he chooses to do so, and he is perfectly capable of finding resources or reaching out to family or friends if he chooses to do so. HIS capabilities start exactly where you choose to stop catering and start allowing HIM to step up to look out for himself. You are not in charge of another adult, and any remnant of belief that you hold as your responsibility to take that charge is not accurate or helpful to either of you. Head high, and write more if it helps. You CAN do this.

I would caution against this, unless it's to state that you have already left, and you are gone when he reads it. If so, keep that short--as in one or two sentences. I would NOT put any details in writing. Period. There are many reasons for this. Once you put information down in writing, you are no longer in control of the message. You have no idea whether or how it can be used against you in the future. It's a permanent record that can be altered, shared online, copied to a landlord or debtor--or enemy. Emotional stuff in writing can also be used to harm you. You cannot know how it will be interpreted, and a temporary impulse is captured as frozen in time--and while you move forward to heal and may have forgotten some of the points you've written, your ex can be stewing over ONE LINE in the letter and work himself into stalkish or otherwise harmful behavior. Letters offer zero payoff once you've already decided to exit a relationship. They can only be used as ammunition, and there is no point to offering that. Head high, and write HERE if it helps, but keep it off of paper or text messaging.

Glad to hear that you enjoyed your date. I'd keep reminding myself to avoid pursuing outcomes to make OTHERS happy. Go at your own pace, allow yourself to feel what you feel, regardless of whether the emotions are fleeting or stay with you. Trust your gut to avoid voicing the fleeting stuff to invested loved ones. You can vent those here or to someone more neutral than the friends who may be pressuring you. You can choose at any point to put the dating on hold. Just knowing that that's always an option can take some of the pressure out of your cooker. This may allow you to continue, OR, it may be a simple signal that you're not ready. If you opt out of continuing to see the guy at any given moment, even if you do like him a lot, you can explain that your current need to halt may be temporary. Ask if it's okay with him that you contact him down the road when you're feeling more confident, and if he's still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. No need to burn bridges, but that doesn't mean your door must be completely open like a floodgate. Take your time.

If you're a good customer and tip well, she has a vested interest in you. She may be more astute about that than her coworkers.

Is the shift work voluntary for more pay, or can you opt for another work schedule? Have you considered hiring help with child care? I'd ask wife to give you some clarity about what kind(s) of solution(s) she wants from you that she believes you are not hearing. Gather this information, and maybe we can be of better help.

The most important questions I stop and ask myself whenever someone drops a message on me that I view as hurtful are, "What is the motive behind telling me this? What am I supposed to DO with this information?" These are also the first questions I ask that person directly. When I can work these answers through to see that the message CAN be constructive rather than hurtful, I can credit the motivations as helpful, and I'm a step closer to learning how to accept criticism from the right place. Does this translate to your case? Unfortunately, no. Your partner's motive is to knock your vision of loyalty along with your confidence in that vision--and yourself. And what are you supposed to DO with that information? You can't become 'other people'. So your options are to join HIS vision of your Self as less valuable than others, OR, you can nix that idea and make a plan to not only value your Self, but to rescue yourself. You don't need to voice your plan until you are ready. Your plan can be formed based on best possible inputs from people who are experienced in helping others to rescue themselves--legally, emotionally, physically and socially. For instance, I'd seek legal advice to learn my options in my location for self protection, asset division and the most helpful steps to take to execute any options I may select. I'd also seek an appointment with a counselor at a women's shelter or domestic violence prevention group, or even a counseling referral from the case work department of my local hospital or a clergy member. Point is, you don't have to go through this alone. Just because partner has turned into an abandoning jerk, that doesn't force you to go along with that ride. I'd pacify him until all of my ducks are in a row to dump him and heal. Head high, and write more if it helps.

One of the most important life lessons to grasp early is that people react to circumstances differently. We can't project ourselves into another's shoes to claim that we understand them, or worse, that we can fix them into responding as WE wish. When I encounter someone going through a difficulty, I adopt my most gentle approach to let them know that I care, and I'm available to help--or to back off--whichever they prefer, AND that they can change their mind about their preference at any given time. I'm here. Then I shut up. I listen to them. If their responses is silence, I listen to THAT. I don't try to coax or cajole a different response from them. I might send a card or message or gift, but I won't word it with an expectation of a reply. You get to decide for yourself whether to keep someone in your life who has a coping style that makes you unhappy, OR whether, for your own head, you'll want to pull away. Sometimes pulling away can be temporary. It can be your way of allowing their pull-away to just 'be'. If they change their mind and want to seek you out, you can decide whether you'll want to re-open that bridge. No choice you make for YOUR SELF is wrong. Projecting expectations of another person onto that choice is what will drive you nuts--so don't so that. Head high, and write more if it helps.

This doesn't make you a horrible person, but it makes no sense to deprive this woman of a future with someone who can view her through the right lens to adore her--looks and all. Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds. We all have unique vision, and true simpatico happens when we and our potential partner BOTH view one another through the right 'love goggles'. Otherwise, we suffer the struggle of trying to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together. Sure, we can trick ourselves for a time, but the overall picture won't come together--ever. So why do that to yourself--and her? Nobody can tell you that a breakup is easy, but the longer you stay, the more 'false' you'll continue to feel, and the more time of your life you'll deprive both of you that you can never get back again to relive for a do-over. Skip that. If you need the help of a therapist to help you through this, then hire one. People have no trouble hiring a plumber to fix pipes or an accountant to handle their money, but when it comes to one of the most important impacts on quality of life, expert help can make all of the difference. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Aww, I understand, but NObody does this. 'Everyone' is too tall of an order, given that everyone owns a unique lens through which they view the world and everyone else. That's why good friends are rare. That's why good lovers are rare. It's not because 'good' people are rare, the majority of people are good. We each just have limits on our focus. It takes a rare chemistry and simpatico with someone who views us through an equally rare lens to stand out as 'meaningful'. Everyone else may be lovely, but transactional. They're fine, even enjoyable while in front of us, but they don't quite make our radar when we're off focusing on our own immediate needs. That's typical, and it doesn't speak badly of you OR the people who are more focused on their own self-interests rather than a loving feeling toward you. Business is, indeed, business. Especially regarding something as important as property. So don't beat yourself up trying to be a star, but rather, trust that you have your own innate and unique value. You'll learn over time how to better synergize that with clients--and the best way to do that is to quit the idea of a 'show' and quietly deliver, instead. Move out of your own way and allow your ego to sink to the back burner while the more intuitive part of your nature asks important questions then goes quiet to actually HEAR and understand your clients. (As opposed to trying to make an impression.) From there, while you may not impress with entertainment value, you'll certainly be appreciated for your keen talent by demonstrating that you've listened carefully and can show properties that contain special details for your clients. Or you'll impress your sellers with your ability to find good matches for their home. Nobody wants a Broadway star when their focus is on something as important to them as their property. People want to be understood and helped. Your ego must recognize this, and it will stop giving you such a difficult time. Meanwhile, relax into Who You Are. You've taken on a mature role to handle at such a young age, and that speaks wonderfully of your intelligence and eventual, if not immediate, capabilities. You'll serve yourself and everyone around you well to adopt the role of a Student who can humbly allow everything and everyone to become Your Teacher. When you're a GOOD student, your rewards will appear over time even while you take your fair share of knocks to keep that ego in its place. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Well said. I second this.

On as scale of 1 to 10, I try to keep my trust meter to a neutral 5 when I first meet someone, and I allow them to show me who they are over time. You may have been hurt before if your investments were blind. But now you're not blind. You own the capacity to recognize whether a person's ethical nature aligns with yours, or not. So observe, and allow t.i.m.e. and his behaviors to teach you whether to trust more or withdraw trust. Head high, you can do this.

A four year relationship isn't something to just bounce back from. Allow yourself to grieve. Read up on grief. Learn about the stages of it. Understand that these are not neat and measurable stages, but rather a combo plate of intense, conflicting feelings interspersed with numbness. You can try to squelch grief and walk right over it, but that will just make it come out sideways. So don't do that. Trust the process. You'll thank yourself later.

I dunno, I don't really think of girl crushes as a big deal. They're kind of 'in' these days ... or 'out,' if you want to think of it that way. I'd just diffuse this. I'd ask BF, "How much have I ever told you about my friend Rose from X company?" Listen to learn his perceptions--or lack thereof. Then you can fill him in. "Well, she's older, and I used to think of her as like a celebrity at the company. Then I found out she was really generous and kind. I couldn't believe she was willing to spend some of her time taking walks with me and investing in me like a mentor. I always wanted to be more like her--and now I really miss her. Would you mind if we book some time with her one of these weekends?" See what he says. If he's up for it, great--go meet her for a nice meal or something. If not, then tell him you'd like to coordinate his time with his buddies so you can go have some girl time with her. From this point forward, anything that gets back to him about your girl crush would just be water under the bridge--like a big, so what?

Husband is well aware of the state of your love life together, so why not ask HIM if he'd prefer, now that the kids are grown, to be free to find someone who will love him the way he deserves?

Sounds as though he might be covering for feeling guilty about this. You're the only one who knows the merits of this guy. We can only respond to the complaints you're writing about, and, yes, he comes off as horrible. Personally, I'd put him on notice that I keep trying to reach for all of the good things I know about him, because right now, I'm at my wits end with his resistance to showing me that he cares. If he wants to step up and make this an easier time for me rather than a more difficult one, there's no time like the present.

What, exactly, are these things?

...and so you can't tell whether she was actually pulling away or whether you scared her away. None of us can read those tea leaves, either. Sometimes a major life event, like a hospital stay during a worldwide pandemic, can prompt a person to need some free-form time to relax with trusted friends rather than scheduled time with someone less well-known. That could have been an easily navigated bump in the road, OR, it could have been the pull-away you feared. That answer would have become evident on its own. Instead, you've cut yourself off from valuable information. That's not a crime, but this can teach you WHY you won't want to do that again. I'd leave this alone. If you ever hear from this woman again, you can possibly rekindle with some patience and a willingness to live with uncertainty until SHE is willing to raise whatever shut her down. Head high, we all learn by living.

Good and important questions. When you know that your jealousy is unprovoked and is being raised internally rather than by suspicious behaviors of another, then you get an 'A+' in self-awareness, and you're already ahead by leaps and bounds in terms of a therapeutic process. However, as you've noticed, awareness alone is not a cure. So why not hire an expert who is trained in this stuff to work with you? People have no problem hiring a plumber to fix pipes or a tax specialist to handle their money, and yet they'll allow a single less tangible problem to wreck the quality of their whole lives. New dating is a volatile and unpredictable and vulnerable time under the best of conditions. Why set yourself up to suffer real damage over a guy who you don't even know well enough to trust yet? I mean, if this guy were to bail for some other stupid reason, you'd assign one of these females as the reason regardless--and how would this help you to navigate your next relationship? I'd rather begin my process of recovery now, and then whatever happens with this guy will be stuff you'll be able to view through the right lens rather than through a microscope you've focused like a laser beam onto stuff that may not even be accurate. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Seraphim is giving you important insight to consider, which can serve to your advantage in keeping your relationship alive with daughter. Nobody has the power or the ability to rationalize or regulate how a person (of ANY age) feels about a parent. The most that we can do for a loved one who is of age to choose the scope of their own relationship is to voice our availability as an ally rather than allow ourselves to be perceived as an adversary. While this can mean that if daughter doesn't like a condition of living under your roof she can threaten (or carry out the threat) to live with her father, you have a choice to reconsider whether your condition is alterable, OR, you can tell her that your door remains open should she reconsider... ... AND you can create the right condition for her to reconsider. It might be helpful to offer a focused situation, such as treating daughter to a mani-pedi with you or a meal at a restaurant of her choice, or whatever--and during this time of positive bonding, explain that you'd like daughter to pretend that she is a parent who loves her teenager who wants to break (the specific rule in question). Explain in detail some of the potential consequences you fear, and then ask daughter to explain to you what a parent can do to help HER child prevent those consequences. If daughter gets defensive, ask her to back up and teach YOU what she would want for HER child, and how she would go about helping her child to reach that goal. Regardless of where the conversation lands, be prepared to back up YOURSELF and thank daughter for trying to hear your point of view. You hope that daughter has a better grasp of your reasons for upholding this particular rule, and your door is open for her to return if things don't work out well with her father. AND, she's welcome to come over regularly for (brunch, laundry, Tuesday dinners, name-your-incentive). This can cement your bond with daughter rather than alienate her from you regardless of outcomes. Should she choose to live with her father, understand that this is typical of teenagers regardless of how wonderful their current home may be--it's often something they just need to try our for themselves. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Why not just ask her what showing-you-care means to her? Then, if her wishes are not objectionable to you, you'll have a clear understanding of what to do next.

Going straight from zero-to-marriage proposal makes no sense. If current BF is a great guy but still has you feeling as though he's not your lifetime match, then stop wasting your time--and his--and get out of that. From there, you can grieve, heal, then normalize into a position of clearer thinking about what you want and discovering healthy ways to get it. You can't reach that higher ground by settling into a relationship that leaves room for wishing you were with someone else, regardless of who that someone else might be.

I would tell wife that I love her, and that's not going to change, even while I will no longer allow myself to be mistreated by anyone, much less in my own home. That's why I need to walk away while we still think highly of one another. We can negotiate down the road whether or when we might remain in contact or see one another outside of her household, but in the meantime I need to remove myself from this situation. And that's as far as I'd go at the moment--no threats, no discussion of divorce. However, I would certainly seek legal advice given that in some locations it could protect me from any further debts if I file for legal separation, and there might be other legal protections that I should invoke. You can choose to view this as a bump in the road that might someday resolve itself if you look out for yourself and allow the chips to fall, or you can elevate this into a premature conclusion and react to it as such. I would limit my own reaction to one of self interest and self protection, then I'd allow for the consequences of that to either motivate wife to step up--or not. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Dear Limichelle, I'm so glad to see such a declaration from you, and I can appreciate that this is an important thing to put into words and post. Consider yourself heard by the universe as well as a stranger who joins with you in affirming your intrinsic and unalterable value as well as your capacity to give and receive love. (((Big HUG))) to you, darling! Cat