catfeeder

You sound a bit hyper about presuming what BF will think. Why? Either you have a good and trusting relationship where something like this is a simple thing to mention so he won't miss an invitation, OR, you don't trust HIM to trust YOU. If it's the latter, it doesn't really matter what you do--you're on pins and needles, and that signals that he behaves in ways that are jerkish and mistrusting of you, OR you are a high-anxiety person who isn't ready for a relationship. So? Decide how you WISH you could behave in a trusting, loving relationship, and behave that way. Then let the chips fall. If BF is a jerk about it, then what should that tell you about him? Head high, and life is too short for anxiety relationships.

I don't think you're overreacting. While I'd be PO'd by what he did, I'd be extra PO'd that he'd be stupid enough to tell me about it. I'd cancel on the family-meet, and I'd use that time to reconsider why I'm with this guy in the first place.

I would tell him that I really like him, and if in the future he ever considers himself to be relationship material, he's welcome to reach out. If I'm still available, maybe we can meet to catch up. Beyond that, I'd throw this one back into the pond. You don't want to set yourself up to pine over someone who's rebounding at best, or using you as a distraction at worst. There's really nothing on the scale between those two things that's of any value to you. Respect your Self, and you will thank yourself later.

This is someone who hasn't been on her own long enough to stabilize solo. You walked into a mess waiting to show itself. And it did. Even if this woman were to want to reconcile next week, you'd be waiting for the next shoe to drop for her to be out again. And she would be. So what's the point in torturing yourself with her propeller blade? She's not ready for a relationship, and all the wishing in the world won't change that. Head high.

Changed into what, exactly? Someone who sincerely wants to reconcile, or someone who feels squirmy for making an enemy and wants your comfort while she moves on? I'd tell her that I don't hate her, but I also don't want to hear from her unless she wants to try reconciling. I'd wish her luck and go radio silent. Any spec of anything beyond that shows you're hovering, and she knows it, and unfortunately, that's not attractive. Head high, and let her wonder what kind of higher ground you've moved up to. If she ever wants to meet you there, she'll have no trouble letting you know.

Well, you're contradicting yourself, because you DO think something of it. You've just boxed yourself into pretending that you don't. I can't speak for you, only myself. I won't deal with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover in any way, shape, or form beyond shared children--and you're learning WHY. I'm not insecure, either. But I'm certainly not going to set myself up to become that way, only to trap myself into a corner because I was sooo okaaaay with their contact. Skip that. I don't get to make rules for anybody else, but I can set my own standards. Anybody who wants to date me can do whatever he pleases, but if that includes ongoing contact with an ex, he can go ahead and do that without dating me. You've since learned how playing friendzies with an ex can complicate a new relationship. You can also keep on pretending to think nothing of it, but good luck with that.

First, I'd never settle for being a 'secret' in anyone's life. From there, it's all downhill, have you noticed? Consider from whom you're getting your information, then decide whether your chain is getting yanked. You settle for secrecy, and now you're listening to entertaining stories about what happens 'to' GF while she pretends that she's not dating you? How stupid is that? I'd walk away from this instead of winding myself up over it. The whole premise of secrecy is just one big drama waiting to happen... ...and so, guess what! It's happening.

That's not a problem, it means your screening device is working well against anyone who's just playing along for sex. Don't change your standards over some guy who doesn't live up to them. He's self centered in his last reply, and so I'd do some self-centering of my own and get active about meeting other people. Most people will NOT be a good match. That's just natural odds, and it's no reflection on you--it's true for everyone. Hold out for someone who really 'gets' you, who sees you through the right lens, and is mutually invested. Just because someone clicks with you in a moment, that doesn't mean there's no agenda behind it. The goal is to find someone who ACTUALLY clicks with you--for you--not for quick sex. Head high, and tuck this in your pocket as a lesson in strength and resilience. You'l thank yourself later, especially when you meet the RIGHT guy.

I'd tell my fiancé that just as I wouldn't tolerate my Mom speaking badly of him, I won't hear it from him, either, about her. But that would be me--and I wouldn't HAVE a fiancé who'd call me an idiot. If you're willing to put up with mistreatment now, don't fool yourself with a belief that it will get any better after marriage. Just the opposite: you're setting yourself up for an unhappy future with someone who has learned that disrespect is okay with you. Disregard is sure to follow.

He may or may not give you the choice to continue seeing him. While lots of people can probably overlook transitioning jobs, being fresh out of a breakup signals 'rebound' to most people who are seeking a committed relationship. If the guy wants to see you despite his comments, then it's really up to you whether you like him enough to keep seeing him.

What's to lose? The idea of a support group, to me, is that it helps me to know that I might help the next person. There's something in that for me beyond my own preconceived notions of what I want to accomplish. I have a friend who always talks herself out of everything. She starts with a great idea, and then she decides she already knows everything--including the limits of everyone else--and she nixes herself right out of doing anything with her ideas. She's one person who has taught me that I don't want to be like that. Especially as I age--I want to become more open-minded rather than closed, and I want to allow people to SHOW me what they might offer, but even moreso, what I can offer to them. Big (((HUG)) to you, and I remain so sorry about your Dad. With you in spirit, Cat

Sure, it was rude, but I could picture a sibling saying something like that on a bad day. Couple that bad day with one where I'm also feeling ultra sensitive, and I'd need to step back and decide whether I'll allow one stupid remark to blow us up. Sometimes my sister has no manners. Other times I love her more than I can say. Which times do I want to keep in mind if I want a good relationship with my sister, her kids, her husband and everyone else in my family? Head high, and appreciate your own generosity for what it was. You'll thank yourself later.

Awww, I'll give some 'there, there...' I understand you're feeling emotional right now, but when you're ready, consider dealing with specifics rather than some big general abstraction--nobody can resolve those--ever. What, exactly, did your parents say or do that tipped your scale to giving them a generalized ultimatum? Fact is, NObody is going to respond to an accusation of abuse with, "Oh, you're so right, we've been so wrong, and we'll stop being abusers." It just won't happen. So deal in specifics: what are your conditions realistically? Once you can pinpoint the behavior(s) that you want but aren't getting OR the ones that you won't allow in your home, then you have a point of negotiation. Otherwise, you're just calling your parents horrible people and then grieving over the fact that they won't admit to being horrible--and what's the point in doing that? Get specific, instead--not about your whole history of complaints, but rather, what is the single most important issue TODAY? Head high, and write more if it helps.

I think you're using those 'couple of dates' as a misguided reason to bomb yourself. Most people are NOT our match. This is true for everyone. Chemistry is a lottery. Finding love is a needle in the haystack. Dating isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Using dating sites to go on full dates is a lot of financial and emotional pressure. Instead, consider using those sites as screening devices to set up 'quick meets' over coffee to check one another out. Set up quick coffee meets on your way home from work. If you get stood up, just take your coffee with you, and nothing is lost. Agree to meet each person for about 20 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other on the spot for a 'real' date, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table. You have unique value. The idea is to meet THE person who can view you through the right lens--and that will NOT be most people. Head high, and don't write yourself off, or you will self-fulfill that prophesy.

My heart goes out to you, LCA, and I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you. Have you considered attending AlaNon meetings? I would do that immediately, ask for a sponsor, and don't judge the experience until you have completed at least 3 meetings. AlaNon sites each operate differently and offer different cultures, so if one site doesn't help you, consider tying different sites until you find your place. People who love substance abusers are often isolated and in the dark until they are educated by their peers. This empowers them to make better decisions. It doesn't sound as though you are viewing your husband or your marriage through a lens with any degree of objectivity, and what you regard as 'helping' your husband is, unfortunately, the opposite of that. You are enabling husband to tear you down. That's not a help to either of you. Head high, and write more if it helps.

I'm so sorry about this, Quark. I can understand why you were shook up. I hope you won't allow this one douchebag to harm your view of people in general and your generosity toward humankind. It is, after all, one of life's joys to be helpful and engaged with our fellow man. If ever there's been a time when social interaction is a premium gift to ourselves and others, this is it. I hope you won't give this guy the power to rob you of this. Head high, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

I understand, and I think that most of us have been where you are to at least some degree. Celebrate how great it is to meet someone who WOWs you like this--and she's interested in YOU! So.... just as you can drill your mind downward into an anxiety pit, you CAN use your intelligence in your own favor to either climb your way out OR prevent yourself from taking yourself down in the first place. Trust that this is so, and research ways to shift the critical voice you run in your head to the voice of an inspiring coach. It might help to picture someone you admire or search some coaches on YouTube or whatever and find an inspiring voice that resonates with you. From there, whenever you start drilling, question what that coach would say to you in response to your catastrophic thinking. As with any habit, our internal voice can be changed, so experiment with motivating yourself TOWARD some interests and goals that don't revolve around posing for another. If you find that this is not possible for you, then that does not make you a freak. It means that reaching for some help from a therapist who is trained to help people learn how to manage anxiety is something to consider. People have no problem hiring a plumber or a tax preparer for skills that they don't possess. I view hiring a therapist the same way. Head high, and congrAts again for meeting someone fabulous.

Sounds as though you need something more creative and productive to focus on. When a bunch of 12 year olds start speculating, wrongly, and scaring one another about life and love and aging as though it's a horror movie, it sounds a lot like your ponderings. People believe that adolescence ends at age 18, but that's not accurate. Adolescence lasts through early 20's. You're still a baby. Middle age, according to your beliefs, would project a life expectancy of 60 or 70, which are ages where lots of people actually start feeling liberated and really START living their best life! Find something constructive to do that brings you joy, and stop making yourself miserable.

Awww, my heart goes out to you. Cold test, warm heart. You passed your course and floor work, yes? That's 90 percent of the battle, and it's also where most who are NOT nurse material flunk. There are so many test prep books you can use to better understand and prepare for the test, and you have 45 days to do it. Use your local library for the material if it's a stretch to purchase books, and recognize that there's a difference between test taking and nursing. I've taught over 100 teenagers how to take the SAT exams, and there's a formula, such as noticing how many questions are in a given section. Divide those up by thirds, the first third being the easier questions (to which you can narrow down wrong answers and guess between the remaining ones) versus the harder questions at the end (to which you're better off NOT guessing because there are trick answers to pull your guess). Review the books, read the strategy material before attempting the example tests, and then watch your scores improve over time. Build your confidence rather than tearing yourself down. It gives you a smarter platform from which to study rather than sinking yourself into an unnecessary hole to climb out of. Head high, you can do this, and THANK YOU for being a nurse!

I don't view it as needy to simply ask for what you want. You'll learn quickly enough whether it's just been circumstances or whether she steps up.

I understand. Consider whether you've found it helpful to be supported by your friends here in terms of finding the best possible perceptions to adopt in your observations. The idea of doing this might actually help you decide all on your own how you'll best want to view things as you document them. In that case, feedback would be secondary, because you'd already be adopting your most beneficial lens as you write. While I'm in your corner, and I'd love to hear this info from you, I can appreciate any choice you make. Be well, luv! Cat

Whooo-hoooo!!! Happy dance for you!!!

Yay, you! What was it about #3 that was a 'no'? And yes, you may have dodged a bullet with #5. If they aren't vetting you, what does that tell you about who else you'd be dealing with? Not to mention the corners they might be cutting on their projects... I can appreciate the wish to work with Bill, and who knows whether that may end up happening someday. However, the guy needs to get past the idea that you'd languish in a bad place waiting for him to get his projects together. That's on him, not you. So thrilled for you, and I hope this week brings you some ease and peace. If not, push the drama back where it belongs--off of your wave! (((BIG HUG))), Cat

So glad to hear that you ended up with the thorough and careful people rather than the place that didn't even vet you while trying to hire 5 others. That DOES sound like the place you're leaving! Bigger congrAts than the first! Thrilled for you! Cat