I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for just over the last two years. My husband has always been honest that he suffers with depression, and that he has had a traumatic past regarding his childhood and parents who fought each other, his own subsequent escapism through drugs and alcohol, and the individual deaths of each of his parents which were incredibly traumatic.
I have always tried to be supportive and understanding, and have been incredibly forgiving.... (He still has a negative relationship with alcohol, its a kind of self medication (but this is on top of prescribed anti- depressents) this leads to increased depression, for days, and often terrible behaviour towards me while drunk, awful insults with honestly no provocation (f off and f ing die, you are the reason I am depressed, you make my life hell, I hate you, you are mental, you are controlling etc) none of which he remembers... going for one drink and leaving for hours, being drunk in the day while I am at work and forgetting he was supposed to pick me up, not answering phone calls/cutting calls, threatening suicide among them.)
I have talked and listened, encouraged counselling which has helped a little, he didn't drink for a while and that helped us, and he always professes that I am his whole world, that he has never been happier, that I have made him more at peace and more content in life, that he envisages a wonderful future, that he can't live without me.
But I feel now he uses his past and his depression as an excuse for all sorts of things that are not acceptable.
My father was dying in hospital and I asked him to please wait to speak to me as I had to keep the line free for my sister to call; when I called back he didn't answer (my many desperate calls) and said he had been too tired and had to go to sleep so turned the ringer off. (It was 10pm) when I explained how this felt, he did apologise but then reminded me that both his parents were dead and that was really terrible for him, and he hadn't had people to talk to either. I have been sad about dad often (its only 18 months ago) and sometimes he is kind, but has also commented that 'you weren't that close anyway'. (Dad lived 7 hours away)
Our sex life has almost disappeared, he says this is because of the antidepressants. This has been a slow decline to the point now if I approach him for a cuddle or try to kiss him too deeply he will immediately tell me that he doesn't want sex and I am 'not going to get what I want' even though I have explained many times that I just want the closeness. He is often affectionate... but is only on his terms. And he watches porn - a lot, and can't understand that I find this upsetting when we don't have sex at all.
If I am tired and quiet then I am 'moody'. He is always more tired and has more reason to feel sad than I do. If he feels low then I have to understand this and not pressure him in any way by asking him to help in the house or even speak to me if he needs to be quiet.
He has also run up a lot of debt, quick fix purchases and alcohol the highest contributors, and has got to a point where he cannot make payments. After giving him my half of the bills, I have already gone into my overdraft by a lot (which I hate) to give him money to buy food for his children while he was away camping with them, to make payments he couldn't make on bills, after which he somehow managed to go out and come home drunk twice (this takes a lot of money).
He asked for more money to help, and when I said I can't he accused me of not being supportive, to letting him down, had said some more things just to hurt, like 'he can't think of a single reason why he wants to stay married to me' and when I did 'f off and go and stay with one of my precious friends' as he was being unbearable, he went out and got drunk again last night.
When I said he had been cruel in the things he said, he says I am cruel for not supporting him when he is clearly desperate.
My friend, who is absolutely precious to me, says she feels he is emotionally manipulating me, and I need to care more for myself, that my confidence is gone and she is worried for me long term.
I love him dearly and know he has a good soul, I am certain that alcohol plays a big part, and I do understand that he must have some terrible attachment issues and can see him struggling.
He is also very generous and kind when he is in a good place, and funny and we have had the absolute best times of my life. I want to help him still to be happy, but recently I can't seem to find reasons why he would behave in a such nasty way to someone he is supposed to love so much.
I actually can't think straight as to what is going on and what to do!
