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Carnatic

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  • Birthday 11/24/1982

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  1. If you don't mind us asking, what are the arguments about? Do you argue a lot and are there any things (besides alcohol) that come up over and over? If you're arguing hard and often and she always comes to the conclusion that you must be drunk then perhaps it is the frequency of the arguments, or how emotionally painful they are, or that issues raised are going unresolved that is bothering her, and she blames alcohol because it's easier to blame that as a sort of external factor than to accept there are more complex problems behind it all. It's just a thought, because you didn't go into much detail about the arguments themselves and that detail might be relevant. I know that all couples will argue occasionally, but if it is just occasional then that also means her blaming your drinking is also occasional and therefore maybe is something that you can just live with. Is she fine with your drinking when you don't argue? Anyway TLDR; if you're arguing often enough that her blaming alcohol has become a problem to you then probably address why you're arguing that often in the first place.
  2. I can understand the anxiety. These days it definitely seems like if you have a date with someone but don't want to see them again then the 'normal' thing to do is ghost them. But I'm like you, I tend to worry that I've done something really badly wrong in order to be ghosted, that I must have given off major red flags or acted in a way that was inconsiderate and inexcusable. You get used to it I guess. I think the mix of old-fashioned gender roles and new ways of dating doesn't help though. Most guys I know still worry after a date 'what is the adequate length of time to avoid seeming too keen but also avoid seeming disinterested', many women I know still view taking the initiative regarding dating as the male prerogative. IMHO the dynamic is all wrong.
  3. Well... while I agree with everyone else that you were being inconsiderate about her feelings, that she clearly wants a relationship when you just want a booty-call, and that you should just end the whole thing, still it would be nice if you could let her know rather than just ghosting her. Seems like she knows that you were just interested in sex on the night she cooked for you and she is starting to lose patience with you so perhaps she's clocked on by now that sex is all you ever wanted, yet she still cooked for you after all that, so she is probably clinging onto the hope that you are interested in more, but still you owe her an explanation. Text her back, apologise for all the cancelled dates, and for ignoring her. Explain that you appreciate the effort she put in but it wasn't the sort of relationship you were looking for. I presume you can tell that she wants a relationship (if you think someone cooks for a booty call you're an actual idiot) so you should apologise for leading her on, maybe there's a argument that you both kept on at cross-purposes in the hope the other would realise that what you wanted was for the best, but she's the one who got hurt where it appears all you got was irritated so apologise as though you did lead her on and suggest you both end things. Then you can both go back to seeking compatable partners.
  4. Dating experiences I'm not very good at dating, I lack... well, any sort of spark of attraction. I do have some positive qualities but none of them are 'exciting' positive qualities. They're the sort of positive qualities that you might expect someone to have as the bare minimum before dating them but not the sort of qualities that attracts you to them in the first place. Last week I was due to meet a woman for a coffee date, around a similar age to me. However shortly after arriving at the cafe I recieved a text from her saying she had to cancel our date as her daughter's school had called. I had a couple of thoughts about the meaning of the text, but none of them warranted any further contact, so I just thanked her for letting me know and then walked home. 1) My first inkling was that this was a classic escape manoeuvre. I'd been standing outside the cafe for a couple of minutes, long enough for her, if she was in the area to get a look at me in person and decide if she actually wanted to go on this date. 2) It could be genuine, thanks to COVID, schools do sent kids home ill more than they used to. It used t only be if the kid was too ill to be in school but now they'll call parents if the kid has a bit of a cough, to be on the safe side. 3) Or maybe it's something more serious with her daughter. Either way, the best course of action is no course of action as far as I can imagine. If she just didn't want to go on a date then messaging her again to ask to meet again will just irritate her and she'll be forced to tell me she doesn't want to, which will be bad for my own self-esteem. I say nothing, she feels relieved that I took the hint and that she doesn't have to outright reject me. If it was genuine then I imagined that she would make the first move to reschedule. I think most people would expect that if you're the one who cancels a date then the ball's in your court should you wish to reschedule, and not find it weird if the person who were due to meet doesn't message further. And of course if it was something more serious then the last thing she wants is the guy she was supposed to meet when it happened messaging her about meeting again. It's been a few days now, we were due to meet on Thursday and it's now Monday, so I'm fairly confident my first inkling was correct. I think I should really give in with the whole online dating thing... It seems like a good way to actually get to go on dates (prior to starting online dating I had only ever been on a couple of 'dates' in my life, not include the time I went speed-dating) but then that date isn't too different to a blind date, there's no initial attraction really and you don't know enough about each other so it's also very easy for them to just fall flat, or not even happen. I'd love to be able go just meet women naturally, don't think I can do that though.
  5. What kind of personality does she have in your fantasies, is it based at all on anything you know about her, or do you know so little that you've filled in the gaps with the personality type you find most attractive? For a crush to develop this far, it sounds likely that you've created an overwhelmingly positive image of a person who is only based on the real person in terms of appearance, career and that she likes dogs. Did you have a positive initial contact with her, when you first started working together? Like sometimes if someone's nice to us, especially if we have low self esteem then we first think 'they must be the most wonderful person ever to be nice to someone such as me' but also if we're physically attracted to them too you then we want to believe that initial niceness was a sign of mutual attraction. When you do get to know other girls, and this crush gets in the way of you taking it further? What happens there? Do they show interest in you and you knock it back? Do you find yourself viewing them in a negative light in comparison to the idea of your colleague in your head. Workplaces are definitely somewhere it's common for this to happen, I don't know if it's negative connotations of being in the workplace that causes someone positive to seem more radiant or whether it's just that you spend so much of your day looking at this person.
  6. I think more in terms of 'sex appeal' y'know... not just looks but like, charisma, excitement, talents... dunno, I'm just an exceedingly square person, no matter how hard I try. I don't think anyone who ever meets me (including friends) would find themselves after spending an hour with me wanting to know more about me. They might find me to be a nice person and consider me a friend but that's about the limit of it.
  7. About 11 years for me, as for 'unfortunate' I don't know it, just is what it is isn't it? It's partly down to me just not really having much to offer, but also partly down to me being cautious and emotionally withdrawn following a traumatic experience.
  8. Are you saying he cheated on you, or that this fling was before you? There's nothing unconcious about mentioning your past sex-life; though if it was a previous relationship then it's not too big an issue, you told him you were uncomfortable with it and that was the end of it. If he was cheating on you then it's highly inconsiderate of him to talk and possibly something I'd end a relationship over. Either way, knowing her name won't help you in any way, it will just make you more curious and more insecure. Presumably the next step would involve searching for her on social media, comparing yourself to her etc? If he did cheat on you then it just makes it sound even more like the best thing for you is to end the relationship, because you'll never be OK with what he did (and that's OK). If he didn't... well, just try and do your best to challenge these insecurities and not let them eat away at you. Was he your first or did you have sexual partners before him?
  9. Yes I can see you're seeking validation, but not getting it shouldn't stop you from contributing, ironically you seem somewhat emotional over this. No reason you can't still stick around and could have a very productive and reasoned discussion over the different roles two people in a relationship could play that can make that relationship stronger and if the genders of those people have or should have a say in the roles they say.
  10. You're certainly trying your hardest, almost as if you view being disputed as a badge of honour. You've also moderated your language as you started off by saying that men shouldn't have emotions, then it became not too many emotions and each time you just step back a bit looking for that sweet spot where you can annoy feminists while looking broadly rational to people who haven't followed your whole tirade. I don't know what you want out of this thread but I'm fairly confident you're not after genuine answers to your question.
  11. What about when you feel sad and vulnerable? Or do you pretend not to have those feelings until they turn into something else?
  12. Am I the only one here who thinks it possible that he genuinely doesn't feel ready to date yet, but regrets breaking things off with the OP, hence having a few looks again at her profile after breaking things off? I mean it's also possible too that he was lying to the OP, or is already in a relationship and his partner is the one checking or that he just wanted to use the OP for a quick ego boost, but I don't think we know enough to confidently say what is going on. I have a male friend who matched with a woman online over a year ago but then things ended when she said she wasn't ready to date. After almost a year she contacted him again, explained that she was feeling more ready now, still remembered him and if he was still available would he like to go on a date. I've met her, she seems really nice and at the outset at least it looks like a good relationship is forming. Maybe they'll last, maybe not, but either way I think she was geniune and they might not be together if he'd been convinced that she already had a boyfriend and that's why she 'wasn't ready'. Doesn't change the advice to the OP to basically, not chase after this guy and just if he says he isn't ready then he isn't ready. No real need I think to delve deeper into what might be going on.
  13. Timeline of my adulthood 2001 (age 18) - As an adolescent I was painfully uncool, too square to fully realise how square I was. I had friends but thought it was normal to rarely see them outside of school. Sixth form had been better though as I was able to join my friends in the pub, just prior to going to university my social life was properly developing, if still a bit unconventional (for example instead of going to trendy bars with all the other kids we would go drink in a labour club, with pints of bitter and snooker tables and all that stereotypical Northern stuff) 2002 (age 19) - I live away from home for the first time, moving to Liverpool to attend university. My first year is mainly spent socialising (drinking heavily) and I fail, although to be fair I was studying a highly intensive subject with a higher bar set than most for passing first year, only about 40% of students are expected to pass and I wasn't happy with the way the course was going so it might not just be the socialising. Despite going out drinking round Liverpool something like 4 or 5 times a week with large groups of friends, I was still a bit of an outsider among them, in that they were typical 18/19 year olds, dressing in 'nice' clothes (everyone has their own definition of nice, but I prioritised comfort, even to the point of feeling awkward, like I was trying too hard on the occasions I did put something a bit more fashion-conscious on) and looking to meet members of the appropriate gender for hookups. I never even considered that I should or could do the same. 2003 (age 20) - I switch degrees and find my new course much more to my taste, my social life takes a bit of a hit though as instead of moving into a house with a group of friends as is the norm in second year, I move into a flat down by the marina, renting from a friend I was in halls with. J is a good friend but also between his dentistry degree and spending time with his girlfriend (they married and still are so a solid couple) I could go days without seeing him, making it seem like I was living on my own in a mostly 'grown up' very non-studenty area of smart flats and yachting clubs. I realise that my social life was never really based on having close bonds with people, but was more just about being 'part of the gang' able to turn up whenever there was something going on, but I can't do that so easily now. I had one close friend, from my course who I hang with on the occasions he's up to doing something, but he doesn't crave large groups of people as much as I do. I actually didn't have most of my friends' numbers and those who I did I rarely texted, feeling that doing so was a bit of an imposition. I do at least start regularly going to the gym in this time. I'd never been to one before but a membership at the university gym was very cheap. I start to go four or five times a week and lose a lot of weight (I still think I'm fat). 2004 (age 21) - Things are now looking up. I live down by the marina for a second year but at J's girlfriend's encouragement I look to join some of the university clubs. I have been in clubs before but it just happened that the ones I joined previously weren't the most sociable of clubs. I have an old friend from first year who I'm sort of in-contact with and he's in the ten-pin bowling club so I join that, and I make some good friends, for the first time since arriving at university, some more close friends who actually enjoy partying. I move out of J's flat and do the proper student thing of moving into a shared house with five other people. Things go back a bit to how they were in first year, except with some really good close friends I feel like less of an outsider. We attend parties, we host parties, life is good.
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