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Jibralta last won the day on June 20

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About Jibralta

  • Birthday 11/17/1977

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  1. Don't worry about it. I'll figure out how to help myself. No, my mom never gossips about things that happen within our family unit because she wants everything to look perfect from the outside. As for my other family members, what 'should' happen and what actually does happen have nothing to do with each other. I have no idea how they will respond if things blow up between my mother, my sister, and me. But I don't want them getting involved.
  2. You only missed it because I didn't fully explain the scenario. Even thinking about it brings me aggravation. Although, when I type it out, it may not seem that bad. I haven't used the time share in a couple of years because: the last time I used it, my mom (and her friends!!) drove up and spent the whole week in the other time share (which is in the same building). So it became a family vacation plus, instead of just me and Arnold spending some relaxation time together. we had to drive an hour to meet my sister for lunch. She didn't want to drive the full 2 hours to see us because she was pregnant. Even though she could stay the night in either timeshare, she didn't want to. So, we met her halfway. Probably more than halfway. So, in 2019 we had a secret staycation during the summer. I also dodged going down there for Christmas in 2019, by lying and saying that I had no vacation time. In 2020 we had a forced staycation over the summer due to Covid. And we were also saved from travelling down there for Christmas in 2020 because of Covid. So, now I haven't seen my mom for 2 years. And I actually did want to see her last summer because she had a milestone birthday. So, if she showed up at the timeshare this summer, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. And that's what she said she'd do. I thought, Great. We'll see them, and my sister will probably come up with my nephew (who I haven't seen since he was born). But, no. Instead--and I guess maybe I should have known--I get the text from my mom trying to rearrange our vacation time for my sister's convenience. I didn't even bother to ask if my sister refused to come, and I don't know if my mom is still coming. But I'm not going to ask that either. I am not in the loop with these things, and I am not going to beg to be in the loop.
  3. Jibralta

    What Blushing Means

    Ugh. I am the worst blusher.
  4. It's hard to stand by and watch loved ones make bad decisions.
  5. No, I get what you are saying and I agree. But this has been my environment since infancy, so anything else feels a little unreal, even though I know it's there.
  6. Actually, this is the tact I usually take. When I said: What I really should have said was that I've realized that trying to discuss the issue with her is pointless. I haven't mentioned it in more than five years. The last time she brought it up to me, I told her I'd get back to her and then never did. Sometimes I successfully outsmart them, and sometimes they outsmart me. We've been playing this game for decades. I didn't argue with my mom about visiting my sister. I made a counter offer that she chose to ignore. Like you said, she knows just how to push my buttons. But I'm not giving in. I can be a passive aggressive fck, too. So now my mom and I haven't communicated more than a few sentences to each other since May 28th lol. Frankly, the perpetual chess game is annoying. But luckily, I don't have to play it very often. They both now live 1,000 miles away from me, and I hardly see them. I haven't been down there in almost three years. I just make a pleasant phone call to my mom here and there. My sister doesn't return my calls or texts, so I just don't bother with her anymore. This vacation thing was a sneak attack, which is why I've got a bee in my bonnet at the moment. And I have to see her in a week, so the pressure is mounting a bit. The fact that they're now neighbors, seeing each other regularly makes their strategizing a lot more intense. I could hang out with my mom when she still lived up here. But she changes when she's with my sister. Dealing with the two of them like this is exhausting. They're so weird, I swear.
  7. She expends all of her energy to ensure that she appears normal. Her appearance and actions are impeccable. Growing up, she never said "I'm the most normal person," but she painted a picture of herself as normal through her criticisms. Recently, like within the last week or so, I realized that I can come up with a list of criticisms she's made of other people that are true about herself. "People are going to judge you." This is the one that I had the revelation about. She used to harp on me about it all the time. She couldn't convince me to care about what other people thought, so then so she harped on me for not caring, "I know you don't care, but people really are going to judge you." The revalation happened when I was talking to my therapist about it. Suddenly it clicked: How can my mom possibly know what other people are going to think??? Is she fricking God? Is she the standard by which all others measure themselves? No. So why does she claim this knowledge? Because she's frickin abnormal and possibly crazy. Normal people don't think things like that. Here are some others that I can think of off hand. The ones where she says, "I'm not like that" are the ones where you better where a flack jacket if you dare to disagree: Your father was passive aggressive. I'm not passive aggressive. I hate liars. I never lie. You always have to be right. You're selfish. Joanne is so nosy. Your Aunt Mary is so competitive. She wants to be the favorite aunt.
  8. That's the really interesting thing. Being raised by someone like my mom has affected my thought process. Sure, I didn't accept everything she said and did. There was lots that I disagreed with, believe me. But there is so much bullsht that I just absorbed and assumed was right and true because it was all I knew since infancy. I discover these things more and more as I get older. For example, until I was 32 years old, it never even occurred to me that my mom might be abnormal, that she could actually be mentally ill. That revelation that I might be the normal one and that my mom might be the fcked up one occurred to me on my very last day of therapy when I was in graduate school (the timing was kind of cool). After that, I started reading about codependence. Not because I thought my mom was codependent, but because I kept selecting loser guys for boyfriends and wanted to figure out why. I was reading the book in the back seat of my mom's car, on the way down to my sister's house (Yes, getting dragged to her sister's by my mom lol. Yes, 32+ years old, still a kid). It suddenly occurred to me that they fit the dynamic perfectly. I thought, Is that possible? In the years since then, bits and pieces of information that I've learned fit into into place I think, Oh. It's like the prison of my mom's psychology is slowly crumbling away. It wasn't a cage, it was solid walls that prevented me from really seeing anything.
  9. Yes, similar passive-aggressive dynamic.
  10. Thanks! My next project is going to be my first non-inherited one. It's for a veterinarian office. I'm psyched. I love animals.
  11. Discrimination is a very difficult thing to prove, and (believe it or not) it actually tends to make you look like the one who is prejudiced. Yes, some people do discriminate. But you will never, ever get them to admit it because they lie to themselves about it. There are also people who aren't bigoted, but are just rotten, insecure jerks. It has nothing to do with the race, creed, or color of the people they are being jerks to. Are you certain that you can tell the difference between the two? When you claim to know another person's deepest beliefs, you are pretty much taking a prejudicial stance yourself. I've faced this beast myself, being a woman in a male-dominated profession. Bigotry is a form of stupidity. You wouldn't believe some of the things that I've heard, some of the ways that I've been treated. And some of the things people have said to me.... ugh. Not sexual things, just claims that some people have made about my level of understanding, my emotional capacity, and my maturity level. The way that they think there is nothing wrong with what they just said shows how stupid they are. And these are educated people!! You can't fix stupid. You go around it. You also can't fix rotten. You throw it away. I think that when you're waking up in the middle of the night because of this stuff, it's time to draw the line. Start looking for another job. I was in a miserable situation at my job a few months ago, and that's what I did. It really worked out for me. I am so much happier at this new job.
  12. I found out yesterday that my first project went over with flying colors. Nadine did seem happy with it a couple of weeks ago, but I was afraid to believe her. I'm still really shell-shocked from my last employer's constant lies lol. And even though Nadine seemed happy, there was a chance that the client could freak out. The project was for a 'temporary' covered deck addition to a restaurant, but the end result was a timber structure that you'd need a wrecking ball to demolish lol. This 'temporary addition' unexpectedly required sprinklers ($20K) and after all is said and done will probably cost $100K to build. There are 20 different connections, and many of these are custom fabrications. It was a beast to coordinate. The client does all of his construction himself, so the drawings really needed to make sense. He was also the firm's very first client 16 years ago, so I was particularly glad it went over well with him. I'm sure the owners would listen to their very first client if he had a problem! The set went through permitting without issue last week, and construction is imminent. Nadine said that the client is really happy. I found this out through Nadine's offhand remarks yesterday, as she started to review my second project. The second project is not going so well lol. I inherited both the first and second project from an employee named Rick, who left the firm just before I started. Nadine told me yesterday that the aforementioned client said that Rick was "a bit of a bullshtter." Based on what I've inherited in my second project, that assessment made a lot of sense to me. Over the last 2+ weeks, I've hardly made any forward progress on this project because I've been spending all of my time correcting and redrawing things. The set I presented to Nadine yesterday was really awful. It must have come as quite a shock to her after she was done praising me lol. Thankfully, she didn't freak out or anything. She seemed to take it in stride... We shall see!
  13. Yup, changing habits is a real struggle. I think it's a great idea that you've chosen to take up the challenge. Good habits will help you in so many ways; not just with weight loss. Now I need to start developing some good habits, like stop vegging on the couch and gazing at the internet and enotalone for hours lol!!
  14. I tend to agree. Three months isn't very long. Meeting her family is a positive sign. Some people are much better in person. My boyfriend, for example, never ever tried online dating. He is a self-described "live act." Some women (myself included) prefer that the man does the 'chasing.' Bottom line is that there are many possible explanations for what you are experiencing. Don't rush to the assumption that you like her more than she likes you. That could be way off base.
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