Contact Or Not?

[Carus]

Hello ENA,

Nice to see some of the long termers still here helping people....and I'm back momentarily, sadly....

I was recently married for the last 4 years. There were a few minor issues and last week we separated.

One issue that I guess isn't that minor is she really wanted children and I didn't. That basically wreaks havoc on the sex life because I was scared she would get pregnant....and that would have brought a whole new level of confusion into the picture. Many people have had children believing that would solve the issues in their relationship but usually it doesn't and I really don't think it's a good idea to bring children into an unsure relationship.....And so now we are separated.

This is the first time I've initiated a breakup so I'm getting to experience this side of it now and I have to say it really sux, mainly because she really is a great wife and person and a huge part of me still questions what the hell am I doing?? But obviously there was some things not quite right which has led to this.....

I'm trying to stay strong as far as going back goes though because I know at this stage it's about pain relief and soon enough those issues will creep back in and we'll be having to go through this all again....and I don't want that for either of us.

So getting to my question: I feel just terrible for my wife. In the last 6 weeks she's lost her job, lost her husband and life and then 3 days ago we received a message that she'd wandered out into the traffic, been hit by a car and had been taken to the hospital!

Myself and 2 mutual friends started ringing and driving around to all the local doctors offices, hospitals and even the police station, but noone had heard of it and had any information. So not knowing where she was I headed home quite distraught....

After 2 days, late at night she finally replied to our messages to say she'd been released from the hospital and was staying and a friends house. Thank God!

We've been pretty good at not contacting each other. Maybe 2 messages in the last week. I feel like I want to check up on her because of course I still care about her and I know all to well the pain and heartbreak she's in. But I also know that contact brings with it false hope and reopens the wounds.....

Again this is my first time on this side of the fence so thoughts are appreciated as I try to work my way through this*

Regards
Carus*

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Are you still legally married? 

[Carus]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you still legally married? 

Hello Again Wiseman* Thanks for replying....

Yes we're still legally married. We only separated about 8 days ago so.....Divorce is something we can look at further down the track if it comes to that.....

Right now I'm just looking for opinions on contacting her. Despite knowing it brings false hopes and reopens the wound (coz I've been there myself many times!), I feel in this situation it's probably the right thing to do....

She's still my wife. I still care about her. And I am humane......But is it better to NOT contact her knowing that she is generally ok and staying with her friend.....

God being dumped can be so much easier in a lot of ways 🙄

Regards*

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Carus said:

3 days ago we received a message that she'd wandered out into the traffic, been hit by a car and had been taken to the hospital

Who sent you this message? Who is "we"? 

[Carus]

MissCanuk - Nice to 'see' you*

Somebody who helped at the scene opened her phone and sent the message to the first contact in her WhatsApp.....

'We' is our mutual friend who then forwarded it on to me......

[MissCanuck]

And there was no record at any hospital or police station of this incident? 

[Starlight925]

Had you two discussed children prior to the marriage?

How did you meet?

How long were you together prior to marriage?

What other issues led you to the separation?

Do you in fact want a divorce?  

[Kwothe28]

That story does sounds very fishy. Somebody sent you a message and she is now with some friends? Are you sure she hasnt staged it to bait for attention? 

I dont think its bad in any way that you will ask around for her health and how she has been. Its quite a normal thing to do no matter the separation. However, please confirm about the accident. Again that story is very smelly. 

[Carus]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And there was no record at any hospital or police station of this incident? 

At that stage no....But I've seen the pictures of her leg and medicines now.....

Any thoughts on my actual question....?

[Carus]

Ahh Starlight. You're still here 🙂

12 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Had you two discussed children prior to the marriage?

No.

17 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

How did you meet?

On a dating website.

18 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

How long were you together prior to marriage?

2.5 years.

 

18 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

What other issues led you to the separation?

She can be very jealous and she made me her whole world.

 

21 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Do you in fact want a divorce?  

At this stage we're not rushing to get divorced no, and that is not my issue/question right now....

Any thoughts on my actual question......?

[Carus]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That story does sounds very fishy. Somebody sent you a message and she is now with some friends? Are you sure she hasnt staged it to bait for attention? 

I dont think its bad in any way that you will ask around for her health and how she has been. Its quite a normal thing to do no matter the separation. However, please confirm about the accident. Again that story is very smelly. 

Thanks Kwothe*

The thoughts that it was a ruse did cross our minds but I'm pretty sure it's been confirmed now. One question I guess is why the hell was she wandering out into the traffic? Was that on purpose? 😞

I appreciate your reply. In breakups, extended periods of no contact are definately helpful in moving past the pain, but perhaps in this situation it would be right to just send a message saying I hope she's doing ok... coz I do hope that!

It won't be 'asking around' though. It will be a message directly to her......*

The false hopes will just have to be dealt with by her I guess*

It's never easy*

[Carus]

As a quick update I've just had her young daughter texting me asking where she is.....

So I've actually sent a message now saying I hope she's ok but please talk with your daughter because she still needs you*

So nevermind......

[Sam1986]

15 minutes ago, Carus said:

As a quick update I've just had her young daughter texting me asking where she is.....

So I've actually sent a message now saying I hope she's ok but please talk with your daughter because she still needs you*

So nevermind......

I wasn't gonna reply here until I saw this message.
This sounds very odd however.
She might have had a mental breakdown or similar, hard to say, but not keeping her daughter in the loop before you is extremely odd and could even be neglect depending on how young she is.

How old is her daughter? Below 18 by any chance? And are they still living together, and does she have custody over her?

[Carus]

Thankyou Sam*

Yes her daughter is only 8 and lives with her family. This is very common here in Asia for the children to stay with the family as the parent(s) have to go where the work is......Difficult for sure, but it is how it is*

I appreciate your shared concern because I would say she is in the throes of a mental breakdown due to immense grief, shock and trauma......

I've been there myself*

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Carus said:

I appreciate your shared concern because I would say she is in the throes of a mental breakdown due to immense grief, shock and trauma...

Sorry this is happening. Since you're still legally married, as her next of kin, it would probably be a good idea to put your feelings aside for the moment and attend to whatever physical and mental medical emergencies she's having. Was wandering into traffic a suicide attempt?  

[Carus]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Since you're still legally married, as her next of kin, it would probably be a good idea to put your feelings aside for the moment and attend to whatever physical and mental medical emergencies she's having.

Yes I agree....Although it's not really about my feelings, it's more about her feelings and whether or not being in contact with her is good or not. I've been there myself many times so I know it can prolong healing and give hope where perhaps there is none.

When I heard she was in hospital I of course rushed straight over there trying to find out where she was*

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was wandering into traffic a suicide attempt?  

I do not know....It's possible*

[Starlight925]

OK I asked the questions to get a better handle on how to respond to your original question.

Even in Asia, where it is apparently normal.....a young child lives with the mother of the child's parents, vs. the mother herself?  Especially when the mother is married?   That's interesting.

Since you are still married and have no plans to divorce, and you are concerned about her mental state (you should be, given that her own daughter hadn't heard from her), I'd stay in contact for her well being.

Make other decisions as you need, i.e. moving on permanently, etc., but for now, she is your wife, she is a mother, and she's apparently in distress.  

When you made the "better or worse" commitment....well, this is the worse.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Carus said:

Any thoughts on my actual question....?

I was asking for clarification because it would inform how I respond to your actual question.

It sounds to me like she might have tried to hurt herself. Her story about a stranger picking up her phone at the scene, opening her What's App and sending a message with no further details frankly doesn't sound very plausible at all.  She may have indeed walked into traffic intentionally, which would be a reflection of her fragile mental state. 

I would maintain contact to the extent that you can help with medical issues, but you made the right choice ending the marriage.  There is no future when your life goals are this different. 

[Sam1986]

The fact that her child is 8 is quite telling in my opinion, because to me that looks like neglect, or, assuming that her living with her grandparents is a thing in Asia, a very odd prioritization.

My ex's sister had a breakdown some years ago, and it caused all sorts of odd behaviour (diagnosed bipolar), especially in relation to her kids. She would just head off and live with her boyfriend, cause all sorts of drama and neglect her kids, where the kids at got no heads up and over night had to stay with grandparents and even us for a short while, depending on who had time to take them in. Her sister instead prioritized her boyfriend and picking fights with her parents, whereas her kids got no attention. Very bizarre.

[Carus]

Dear Starlight and MissCanuck*

Thankyou both for your replies and compassion during this difficult time.

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

Even in Asia, where it is apparently normal.....a young child lives with the mother of the child's parents, vs. the mother herself?  Especially when the mother is married?   That's interesting.

Yes it's difficult, especially when the child is sick. As a mother you would of course be dying to be with them!

But in many of these countries they are extremely family orientated and it's not uncommon for 3 or 4 generations to still be living under the same roof. It's a financial thing as well as poverty is rife and there is little to no government aid.

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

Since you are still married and have no plans to divorce, and you are concerned about her mental state (you should be, given that her own daughter hadn't heard from her), I'd stay in contact for her well being.

Make other decisions as you need, i.e. moving on permanently, etc., but for now, she is your wife, she is a mother, and she's apparently in distress.

Thankyou, yes I am concerned. I was suicidal after my last breakup and have worked as a counselor so I am well aware that is not something to be brushed aside.

No plans to divorce right now and we've only separated about 8 days ago, but at this stage it is difficult to see us reconciling this marriage. As MissCanuck mentions in her post after yours, initiating the separation has been the right decision. There were obviously issues that have brought us to this point, the biggest I guess being the not wanting to bring a child into this environment.

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

When you made the "better or worse" commitment....well, this is the worse.

Yeh God tell me about it. Nobody walks down the aisle thinking "I'll get divorced one day". But I also don't think it's right for somebody to remain in a relationship where they are not happy. That situation usually has an expiration date and I know some people hang in there for years, but eventually, the day usually comes*

In fact that 'commitment' was a big reason why I did try for some years to make it work. In the end though it was just getting heavier on my soul*

===============================================================

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

She may have indeed walked into traffic intentionally, which would be a reflection of her fragile mental state.

Thankyou for recognizing that. Breakups indeed can, and do, kill. Been there myself.

And I didn't break with her because of any malice. Of course I still care about her wellbeing.

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I would maintain contact to the extent that you can help with medical issues, but you made the right choice ending the marriage.  There is no future when your life goals are this different. 

Yes thanks. I do feel that considering the situation, it's the right thing to do. She's just text me now thanking me for caring about her and her daughter and asking me how long will we be separated for. I've replied that I can't say but she really should go spend some time with her daughter and family.

It helps to hear you say I made the right choice because that was some that was something I struggled with for months leading up to this and then especially as it took place.

But as time goes by I start to realise more and more that I really don't think it would change and soon enough we'd only have to go through this all again....and that's not fair on either of us. I also have friends who have done it and they highly advise me not to do it. I've also read a thousand stories that follow that exact script. Yes some people do reconcile and it works out but I wouldn't say it's the majority*

 

[Carus]

22 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

The fact that her child is 8 is quite telling in my opinion, because to me that looks like neglect, or, assuming that her living with her grandparents is a thing in Asia, a very odd prioritization.

My ex's sister had a breakdown some years ago, and it caused all sorts of odd behaviour (diagnosed bipolar), especially in relation to her kids. She would just head off and live with her boyfriend, cause all sorts of drama and neglect her kids, where the kids at got no heads up and over night had to stay with grandparents and even us for a short while, depending on who had time to take them in. Her sister instead prioritized her boyfriend and picking fights with her parents, whereas her kids got no attention. Very bizarre.

Yes I can see how this triggers those thoughts in you Sam* But yes, it's a very common thing here. I wouldn't say it's something the parent(s) want to do in most cases, but more of a necessity of survival. She talks to her daughter every day through video call and sends money to the family every month. Difficult situation but that's how they do it*

We did talk about bringing her daughter here to live with us but at that age it would be quite distressing for her....for a time anyway. Everything she knows is there. Her school, her friends and her attachment to the grandparents and siblings. In fact when the family came to this island for the wedding, the daughter still slept in the bed with the grandparents, not with us.....as per attachment theory*

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Carus said:

I've also read a thousand stories that follow that exact script. Yes some people do reconcile and it works out but I wouldn't say it's the majority*

And what has broken you up (the differing desires on having children) is not something that can generally be worked out the way other relationship issues might be. 

I am curious, though - did you two not discuss this before getting married? 

[Carus]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I am curious, though - did you two not discuss this before getting married? 

To be honest it was some years ago so I can't remember. But I'd have to say no it wasn't something we discussed in great length....I have kids that are grown and she has her daughter. But it wasn't really until after we were married that she started going full force about it....

And in fact, I told her for a little over two years that I didn't really want to get married again....but she wouldn't listen and finally I relented.....

Why? Because she's a great girl, I could see how important it was to her and I thought that perhaps I could make it work......Unfortunately time has now revealed that the answer is no, I couldn't.....

So yes I should have pulled out long ago. That is on me and I accept full responsibility for that....

But unless you have a Time Machine I can borrow, what's done is done, I can't go back and beat myself up about it and all I can do now is move forward and play the cards that are dealt to me....And for now, deal with the situation at hand and hope she has the strength to get through this period*

xox

[Carus]

Thanks to everyone who has replied here. It helps to write it out and know that I'm not alone.

Whatever the situation, I don't think anyone want's to hear their ex or soon to be ex or partner has been hit by a car or tried to commit suicide or God forbid, actually committed suicide...etc etc....

So I'm glad she's generally ok and hopefully we can move forward a bit more smoothly from here.

It helps to hear I've made the right decision. MissCanuck has not been the only one to say this to me.

Astungkara 🙏

[boltnrun]

I understand.  My ex husband has had two bouts with cancer and has gone through Chemo and radiation (the second time after he had been told since he'd been in remission for three years he was "cured" and yet, he had a second bout).  I have not remained in contact with him but I do still want him to be healthy and happy, so I ask our shared son how he's doing.  But if he asked for my help in some way I would provide it.  I don't HATE the guy.  I have no reason to.

I do hope your wife didn't stage this "accident" in the hopes it would bring you back.  That would reveal a level of pathology that's beyond anything you could help her with.

Do her parents know about the separation and the "accident"?  They should be aware if they aren't already.  They could provide the kind of support she really needs.  As you've noted, any attention from you could be interpreted as you wanting to reconcile, and false hope not realized can be more devastating than the original separation.