Contact Or Not?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Carus said:

It's a good question and I really don't know. I guess I could be 'content' in the marriage but I certainly recognize that there are things that have brought it to this point which cannot be brushed aside or swept under the rug.....

As far as trying to get there, all it would take is a phone call from me and she'd come back. But would that just be out of pity from my side? And would things be ok for a time and then just deteriorate again? That would be the risk.....I'd need to be 100% sure and right now, I'm just not.....

More time is needed.

It's a possibility but I'm not expecting that no. There are other issues as well. The child thing is a big one though.

I don't recall discussing that no. I wasn't aware that people sat down and made lists of how things are going to be once married. I was happy to adopt her daughter as my own and she didn't really bring it up until we were married.....After which she went full force on it.

No need to do lists. Most people who get married for the right reasons discuss basic life goals. Typically unless they’re much older that includes yes or no to kids. Or maybe but whatever it’s a topic. Like money.  Like where to live how to live whether both will work full time and if not why not. Whether there is a plan to return to school. Need not be a formal list.

It can be but forever is a long time so wouldn’t you naturally want to know if you’re both on the same page on major stuff ?

 

[Carus]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you allow her to believe that the separation is temporary, that may keep her in limbo awaiting your return. If you tell her that it's permanent, she may start seeking a more advantageous situation for herself.

 

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

The best thing you could do for her AND for yourself is to make this a very clean break, so there are not any "grey areas" about maybe getting back together.   That's how both of you will best move forward.

This^ and this^.....And now that the immediate danger has passed, I would say we'll go back to this^

I have stated that my heart is just not in it but she is in the Denial stage.....She also seems to not be good at hearing what I'm saying.

Like if someone was saying to me I don't want to get married, I don't want to have children, I don't really love you.....Well I know what I'd be doing.

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

After all is said and done, you need to do what is right for you.  Being with someone you do not want to be with is not right for you, or for them.

Yup. I've long been a people pleaser and put the concerns of others above my own, and look where it's got me now.

And I agree. I saw a good video last night about not feeling guilty for initating a divorce/breakup. She basically said "If you feel what you are doing is for your higher good, then you need to know it's for their higher good also.....even though it doesn't seem like it at the time".....

That does bring some comfort right? Surely noone deep down wants to be with someone that doesn't really want to be there*

[Carus]

9 minutes ago, Carus said:

Like if someone was saying to me I don't want to get married, I don't want to have children, I don't really love you.....Well I know what I'd be doing.

To be fair to her, I should have been stronger in my resolve rather than relenting and doing what I could see was important to her.....

Yes there's got to be compromises and wanting to work with your partner, but in this case it hasn't worked out.....

It's that damn 'putting others needs above my own' thing.....But what's happened has happened, I don't have a time machine, so all I can do is take the lessons learned here forward with me*

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Carus said:

I wasn't aware that people sat down and made lists of how things are going to be once married.

That isn't making a list of how things are going to be once married.  The decision to have children or not have them is fundamental.  It definitely was discussed for myself and every married couple I know.  I find it strange you didn't even think to talk about it at all.

36 minutes ago, Carus said:

I can see how important this is to her" and took an approach of well if God wants us to have a baby then that's what will happen.....

So we stopped using protection

It makes more sense now why she might feel completely blindsided.  You said yes, then you said no.  The "universe" or "God" has nothing to do with conception, BTW.  It's simple biology.  From what I've read it takes a normal healthy couple six to 12 months to conceive.  It doesn't take EVERY couple that long (hello, it took me 48 hours!) but that's the average.  That's how the universe or God or whatever set things up for humans.

I am glad she didn't conceive if you're having doubts.  That would have been supremely unfortunate.

I do understand that divorce isn't a decision you can come to in a week or a month.  I pondered my decision to divorce for two entire years.  I didn't separate from my husband during this time because I was trying to see if the marriage could work and I couldn't do that while separated.

[Carus]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said yes, then you said no.

Actually it was more like "No.No.No...oh ok then"....But she knew full well I wasn't really into it. So that is on her. Perhaps she thought that if we had a child that, that would lock me in and I'd never get away. I believe that's a thing right?

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The "universe" or "God" has nothing to do with conception, BTW.  It's simple biology.

Depends on ones belief system 😇🙏

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I am glad she didn't conceive if you're having doubts.  That would have been supremely unfortunate.

Yes me too......I 99% believe it would not have 'fixed' everything.....

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I do understand that divorce isn't a decision you can come to in a week or a month.  I pondered my decision to divorce for two entire years.  I didn't separate from my husband during this time because I was trying to see if the marriage could work and I couldn't do that while separated.

I understand....and I did try for a bit over 4 years before coming to this point....

So you understand then that, that 'pondering for 2 years' is such an uncomfortable limbo. Not a nice way to spend your days. You can't live like that. Something has to eventually give, one way or another.

It may still work out in time, but I have this belief that going back now after only 7 days apart is not the right thing to do.....and what a 7 days it's been.....sigh*

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Carus said:

I wasn't aware that people sat down and made lists of how things are going to be once married

Come on, man. 

Threre is a wide margin between making "lists", and at least knowing if significant life goals line up before you get married. It's frankly pretty strange that the desire for children was never discussed before you committed to  marriage. 

The stong impression I am getting from you now is that you want out of the marriage but you are scared to hurt her further, so you are leaving it up to her to pull the plug once and for all. You say it's on her for knowing you weren't that into the idea of marriage or children and still choosing to proceed with you. That is true, but only to an extent. It was equally on you not to proceed, and to let her go knowing you weren't into this life. 

You are as much a part of the problem as she is, as you don't seem to have any idea what you actually want either. The problem is that you have already taken the big step to separate without being clear on where you stand. No wonder she is so confused by your behaviour here. 
 

[boltnrun]

If someone decides to have sex with me with no contraception in the circumstances you described I would not presume you weren't on board. It is not "on her" that you chose to try to impregnate her when you didn't really want a child. If you truly felt "no, no, no" then what you ended up doing makes no sense.

But again, it's fortunate she did not conceive under those circumstances. 

I hope you do come to some sort of decision fairly soon. She's obviously struggling hard and is in a bad place mentally and emotionally. You at least seem to be holding it together unlike her. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Carus said:

I don't recall discussing that no. I wasn't aware that people sat down and made lists of how things are going to be once married.

I actually can't take you seriously with this.

Yes, people do decide whether they have common ground on a lot of things before deciding to bind their lives together "until death do us part."   

Things like whether they both agree on children:  yes or no.  100% something that people who are going to marry generally will discuss in advance.

[Batya33]

It took us 15 months to conceive but we couldn’t try every month as we were long distance. If either of us had changed our mind about kids we would have broken up. We’d dated in the past seriously so when we decided to get back together almost 8 years later our goals of marriage and family were discussed that day. On a very short list of potential dealbreakers like geography. I’d never have dated him again before insuring he still wanted marriage and family. Same for him.