Boyfriend touched without consent, should I stay in this relationship?

[Lost1Gravity]

 

Hi! So about a month ago my boyfriend (he's 26 and I'm 21, we only recently started dating at that time) stayed over at my place. We shared the bed because he lives hours away and stayed for a night because there was a convention in my town (I didn't have anywhere else for him to sleep, I live in a small studio appartment). We shared beds multiple times before with no lead ups to anything sexual. 

 

I didn't want to be sexually intimate with him so I turned my back to him during the whole night, but he started sexually groping me anyway, including between my legs and breasts even I tried to shut him out, and kept doing so for a good few minutes with obvious sexual intent. I didn't want this but I was too frozen to say anything, I tried to curl up and tense, limiting his ability to grope me and touch me, so he'd hopefully stop but he didn't for a good few minutes. I was in panic mode, i couldn't speak and tell him off. All I could is try to shut him out with my body language. When I didn't reciprocate he eventually stopped after a while.. but did it again without even asking for consent an hour later.

When he left I messaged him and told him my feelings and thoughts that I just didn't feel okay after what he did and told him from that point I wanted to slow things down and take a few steps back, which he agreed to.. but I feel like he's starting to forget.

He makes sexual comments about me and my body often which I told him I don't like and makes me uncomfortable but he doesn't stop.

And I just realized I'm not comfortable around him at all anymore. I don't feel comfortable when he wants to cuddle (he keeps touching me, begging for my attention and to cuddle.. and when i deny him, he acts all sad and disappointed which makes me feel really guilty) and I just feel so overwhelmed. I told him after it happened that I wanted to stop the touching and cuddling unless I explicitly give my consent and that I don't want to be asked and forced into it but he seems to have forgotten that all together.

I feel like a bad girlfriend for not being comfortable around him and giving him the intimacy he obviously wants. He does so much for me, pays so much for me and supports me and hangs out with me a lot, but I can't reciprocate at all with intimacy without feeling violated.

Before he groped me a month ago I was fully fine with him touching me. I was fine with cuddles. I was fine with sexual comments.. I was comfortable with him.. We knew each other for well over a year before dating and we've been intimate before.. but since it happened I just feel horrible whenever he touches me or makes sexual comments and I don't know how to get over it. Even hugs make me tense up. It's been more than a month so I feel like I should be over it since he's my boyfriend. Intimacy is part of a relationship and I feel horrible for depriving him of that. It wasn't like that before it happened, I was able to reciprocate without a problem. I showed the same love he showed me, but since the groping it makes me panic and uncomfortable. 

I don't know how to proceed.. should I talk to him and tell him my boundaries again? Should I break up? Am I overreacting with what happened a months go? He's incredibly sweet and fun outside of all this.

[Batya33]

What ground rules did you set before you shared a bed with him? I think the gray area here is you didn't say no, or similar and you stayed in the bed.  I lived in a studio apartment -why not sleep on the floor at that point or on  your couch if you have one? Since you'd been intimate before and you were in bed together perhaps he didn't read your physical signals properly.  Also is he constantly making sexual comments? What kind? Does he want sex or intimacy? Sometimes there is a big difference.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lost1Gravity said:

. We shared the bed because he lives hours away and stayed for a night because there was a convention in my town (I didn't have anywhere else for him to sleep, I live in a small studio .He does so much for me, pays so much for me and supports me and hangs out with me a lot, but I can't reciprocate at all with intimacy.

 .. We knew each other for well over a year before dating and we've been intimate before.. but since it happened I just feel horrible whenever he touches me or makes sexual comments and I don't know how to get over it. 

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? How did this this become a distance situation? Unfortunately he seems to not respect your feelings or boundaries and it's turning you off. 

You've already explained your feelings and boundaries but he "forgets"?. So it's unclear how reminding yet again would help.

Please stop hanging out with him and accepting anything if he wants you to repay him  with sex, especially since he's turning you off.

You seem to want different things and don't seem compatible. 

[Seraphim]

It is time to break up. Today. 

[MissCanuck]

There is no way this relationship is going to work out now. 

 

[smackie9]

My advice for next time: Sleep overs are for kids. As an adult you do not invite a man into your bed unless sex is on the table. Since, being intimate is very important to you, you express it firmly right at the beginning in a discussion when and how it's will or won't happen. Men are not mind readers so stop with the body language stuff! You have to tell them point blank. If a man steps over the line, you either remove yourself from the situation, or you tell him to leave right then/be strong about it. When a man doesn't know the word "NO", you send him to the curb. If a man makes you feel uncomfortable, stop dating him. This guy is all wrong for you in many ways, end this relationship. Enough is enough. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

My advice for next time: Sleep overs are for kids. As an adult you do not invite a man into your bed unless sex is on the table. Since, being intimate is very important to you, you express it firmly right at the beginning in a discussion when and how it's will or won't happen. Men are not mind readers so stop with the body language stuff! You have to tell them point blank. If a man steps over the line, you either remove yourself from the situation, or you tell him to leave right then/be strong about it. When a man doesn't know the word "NO", you send him to the curb. If a man makes you feel uncomfortable, stop dating him. This guy is all wrong for you in many ways, end this relationship. Enough is enough. 

I had countless sleepovers before having sex ever and before having sex with a new boyfriend and we talked about it before while fully dressed.  Very simple like "I am so glad you're sleeping over and I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."  No mind reading needed.  No man ever declined.  No man who I'd been dating for a month by then -ever tried to get me to have sex with him and many of them weren't ready yet either.  If we were already having sex and I didn't want to or couldn't have sex that night (like on my period/not feeling great but not contagiousl lol) same thing - he still slept in the same bed and no intercourse. I mean couples share a bed all the time when they have a newborn and can't have intercourse yet and/or the woman is simply post-birth too darn exhausted especially "down there." Men aren't animals - neither are women -humans can desire sex strongly and be right in the face of temptation and make a different choice. Happens all the time.  And it's not leading or or mean or teasing or depriving with simple and honest communication. But verbal is best.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

My advice for next time: Sleep overs are for kids. As an adult you do not invite a man into your bed unless sex is on the table. Since, being intimate is very important to you, you express it firmly right at the beginning in a discussion when and how it's will or won't happen. Men are not mind readers so stop with the body language stuff! You have to tell them point blank. If a man steps over the line, you either remove yourself from the situation, or you tell him to leave right then/be strong about it. When a man doesn't know the word "NO", you send him to the curb. If a man makes you feel uncomfortable, stop dating him. This guy is all wrong for you in many ways, end this relationship. Enough is enough. 

I second all of this^^ especially the bolded. Well, except if your apartment is large enough, it's okay for him to spend the night but NOT in the same bed, that is just inviting trouble (mixed signals, misinterpretations, etc).

Since this a LDR, when he visits before sex has happened, have him sleep in another room or on the couch.  Anywhere but in your bed with you.

In your case, since you live in a small space/studio, invest in a small cot or something.  Or get blankets, cushions and pillows and he can sleep on the floor.

Next time, try to be very clear with words (an actual NO, I am not comfortable going there yet) because body language can often be ambiguous and taken the wrong way.  What may seem clear to you, may not be clear to him.

I do think he behaved poorly by pushing it, but I think you should be very thankful he was respectful enough to stop eventually and nothing more egregious happened.  

In any event, since you DO feel so uncomfortable with him now which may possibly be why you weren't ready to become sexually intimate with him in the first place, it's best to end things and move on.

NO you are NOT a "bad girlfriend," for any of this.  You have a right to feel however you feel and to end a relationship for any reason at all even if that reason makes no sense to someone else.

It's your life @Lost1Gravity, it's important to always take care of YOU.  Do what feels best and right for you.

 

 

 

[TeeDee]

You need to get out of this relationship.

Going forward if you are not open to sexual activity NEVER get in bed with somebody.  I am not victim shaming or blaming.  I am trying to infuse some prevention & common sense.   That will avoid things like this.  

[ShySoul]

Real men do not touch a woman in a sexual manner unless she has agreed that it is okay. Consent is never implied. It doesn't matter what she wears, how long you've been seeing each other, sharing a bed, prior times together, or anything else. If you want to be intimate, make sure she wants it as well before you try anything. That's treating a lady with respect and honor. 

You are not being a bad girlfriend. Sex should never be expected, especially when a person indicates they are not comfortable. Yes, you could have said no in words. But you froze, which is ok. You still said no in your actions, which should have been enough. Men don't need to be mind readers, they just need to pay attention to the woman they are with. If a woman is recoiling from your touch, it should be evident that she isn't in the mood and you should stop.

Even if you can excuse his behavior that time, you told him how you felt after and he hasn't listened. You don't forget to not make sexual comments and advances. He is making a conscious decision to bring it up against your wishes. He is making you feel guilty for not doing something that you don't want to do. That's wrong and you shouldn't put up with it.

No in any form means no. If he doesn't respect you enough to listen, then he doesn't deserve you.

[ShySoul]

On 4/22/2024 at 11:30 AM, smackie9 said:

 Sleep overs are for kids. As an adult you do not invite a man into your bed unless sex is on the table.

I have slept in the same bed with more then one woman and both sides were fully aware sex was not a remote possibility. Just being with her was good enough for me. The last thing I would have wanted was to make her uncomfortable or feel pressured into anything. If anything, I'd say it takes a stronger, more mature grown up to not do anything and just be content to lay beside each other.

When you love someone, their happiness comes before sex. If they aren't ready, then you wait. Simple as that.

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I have slept in the same bed with more then one woman and both sides were fully aware sex was not a remote possibility. Just being with her was good enough for me. The last thing I would have wanted was to make her uncomfortable or feel pressured into anything. If anything, I'd say it takes a stronger, more mature grown up to not do anything and just be content to lay beside each other.

When you love someone, their happiness comes before sex. If they aren't ready, then you wait. Simple as that.

Sadly, not all men are like you though SS....  and when a woman invites a man into her bed, unclothed, and doesn't verbally communicate "no sex" clearly and succinctly, that message is NOT clear. 

It's ambiguous at best, and an invitation for sex at worst. 

And body language is not a good indicator of anything because "recoiling" to one man could be perceived as "writhing in pleasure" to another. 

The OP freezing up was unfortunate and as was said, she was very fortunate nothing more egregious happened. 

Lesson learned?  Do not invite a man into your bed unclothed unless you intend to have sex with him. 

Better safe than sorry. 

Read the news, stay aware.  

 

 

[Dancer Candy]

Sharing a bed is going to be pretty confusing to some folks.  Because of that, I would be more understanding of what happened IF you hadn't had a discussion about this, and then he eventually started back in with the groping.

If he doesn't respect your wishes now, what's it going to be like later on?  Dump his ass, and hopefully he learns a lesson for future relationships.

[Batya33]

I think in an established or regular relationship there often is implied consent.  I lived through the early 90s "Antioch college" rules of consent -I was way out of college but it was - really interesting how I think that one college came up with all of these guidelines for getting consent -each and every step of the way. I'm sure SNL did a skit on it.  Certainly if two people just meet there should never be an assumption that intercourse is ok.  But as others and I said if it's not verbally communicated before being in a private location with a new person or a change of plans like "sure you can sleep over but I'm just up for cuddling and smooching tonight, k?  I was asked in a non pressured way by a couple of guys whether I was "sure" I didn't want to - and I simply confirmed and all was well.  But yes it was verbal.  

[boltnrun]

Once you asked him to stop, anything he attempted to do sexually after that was wrong, to say the least. Very wrong. And I don't care if you were nude or invited him to stay over or whatever. You asked him to stop and he ignored your request. 

I was in a relationship with a man for a couple of years. I am a very highly sexually charged person, so I would do things to him while he was asleep (of course we slept together nude). One morning he calmly asked me to stop doing that. He explained that he just wanted to be left alone when he was sleeping. Now, I love to be woken up with sexual activity but he didn't like it. So I respected his request and never again attempted to do sexual things to him while he slept. I cared about him and would not have ignored his request no matter how turned on I was. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Once you asked him to stop, anything he attempted to do sexually after that was wrong, to say the least. Very wrong. And I don't care if you were nude or invited him to stay over or whatever. You asked him to stop and he ignored your request. 

I was in a relationship with a man for a couple of years. I am a very highly sexually charged person, so I would do things to him while he was asleep (of course we slept together nude). One morning he calmly asked me to stop doing that. He explained that he just wanted to be left alone when he was sleeping. Now, I love to be woken up with sexual activity but he didn't like it. So I respected his request and never again attempted to do sexual things to him while he slept. I cared about him and would not have ignored his request no matter how turned on I was. 

I didn't see where she asked him and she physically turned away - but if she asked him yes of course.

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't see where she asked him and she physically turned away - but if she asked him yes of course.

She was not reciprocating, she turned away and tried to indicate with her body language that what he was doing was unwelcome. So she apparently didn't flat out say "No, stop it!" But if I'm attempting sexual activity and the man is turned away and not responding positively I certainly wouldn't continue. 

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

She was not reciprocating, she turned away and tried to indicate with her body language that what he was doing was unwelcome. So she apparently didn't flat out say "No, stop it!" But if I'm attempting sexual activity and the man is turned away and not responding positively I certainly wouldn't continue. 

OK thanks for the information!

[Lost1Gravity]

Since discussion is still happening I'd also like to add to this.. i was asleep when he first started groping and woke up because of it. Aka, I wasn't really awake. Half asleep.

 

Before this, I told him multiple times during our relationship that I wanted to take things slow and if we slept in the same bed it was only for convenience or at most cuddling. 

 

I didn't give mixed signals. I let him know where I stood from the very beginning.

I pushed his hands away during the groping but he still continued. Sure, I didn't say no because I was too frozen and quite frankly too drowsy from having just woken up, but I didn't say yes either.

 

Hope this clarifies some stuff!

 

My main problem I have is that the experience has a huge effect on me even after a month or two. Not only with him, but every man or person that touches me. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Lost1Gravity said:

Since discussion is still happening I'd also like to add to this.. i was asleep when he first started groping and woke up because of it. Aka, I wasn't really awake. Half asleep.

 

Before this, I told him multiple times during our relationship that I wanted to take things slow and if we slept in the same bed it was only for convenience or at most cuddling. 

 

I didn't give mixed signals. I let him know where I stood from the very beginning.

I pushed his hands away during the groping but he still continued. Sure, I didn't say no because I was too frozen and quite frankly too drowsy from having just woken up, but I didn't say yes either.

 

Hope this clarifies some stuff!

 

My main problem I have is that the experience has a huge effect on me even after a month or two. Not only with him, but every man or person that touches me. 

He shouldn't be all out groping when you're asleep.  A hug or a gentle touch on the shoulder or face - I mean sure that can happen accidentally too like footsies lol.  But he acted in a very aggressive and offensive way IMO.  I'm so sorry!

[boltnrun]

I also disagree with the concept of "implied consent". Just because two people are married or in a relationship doesn't mean either of the parties has the right to engage in sexual activity with the other person at any and all times. That concept is what many men use when accused of marital rape. They claim such a thing can't exist because they have the "right" to sex with their wives any time they want it. That's just not true, legally OR morally. And that's why I respected my ex's wishes when he asked me to not touch him while he was sleeping. So what if we were naked in the same bed and in a long-ish relationship. He still had rights. 

I'm sorry that man did that to you. I'm also sorry you're experiencing trauma as a result. Would you consider talking to a therapist?

[yogacat]

Of course he shouldn't grope you if you're not showing interest. He needs to be more aware of nonverbal cues and you should also make sure to avoid situations where you could be put in danger. Maybe you are safer next time sharing a double bed. 

He's your boyfriend, boyfriends want to have sex but again he needs to read your cues.

36 minutes ago, Lost1Gravity said:

My main problem I have is that the experience has a huge effect on me even after a month or two. Not only with him, but every man or person that touches me. 

What is it that every man or person that touches you makes you reconsider him or him getting closer?

Girlfriends and boyfriends have sex and they kinda get close to each other that way. But people who care about you will respect your boundaries. Is it possible not to "go so far" with boyfriends in the bed or elsewhere? Yes.  

Of course groping was not proper yet your behavior with him seems sometimes you want to bring him close and sometimes you want to stay safe. This can be very confusing to guys and it can be hurtful.

Your boyfriend likely is just a very overt sexually. Just as we all have expectations in every area of a life, that is part of men and women's make up, in whatever areas they are masculine or feminine. It is what sets you apart. It is your charm! That does not mean his expectations should totally govern you. That does not mean that when it comes to sex with women people should not behave with some restraint.  

Ways men are careful is they adapt to you -many will say hold on--he is your boyfriend; so, being overly sexual is sorta OK. Well you are in a mini studio. It is totally up to you if you feel comfortable with sex with him. He had four hopes cross-fingers--sex hope--sex with you hope and then some sex hope--have an overnight with you and then some sex hope--share a bed with you a bit there is some bedroom action that is OK. There are things you can show that will show him you want sex--things that don't have to do with being a sex object. You will find these he can do and cannot do--he may find your expectations too legalistic and you may find he is not 100% understanding. 

No one should be touching the other without some 2 way communication going on-- some visible consent. A caring man will respect your pace and stop when you communicate verbally or through your body language.

You told him you are not ready for physical contact except for cuddles. You did not tell him you were OK with groping while half-asleep. 

[Lost1Gravity]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I also disagree with the concept of "implied consent". Just because two people are married or in a relationship doesn't mean either of the parties has the right to engage in sexual activity with the other person at any and all times. That concept is what many men use when accused of marital rape. They claim such a thing can't exist because they have the "right" to sex with their wives any time they want it. That's just not true, legally OR morally. And that's why I respected my ex's wishes when he asked me to not touch him while he was sleeping. So what if we were naked in the same bed and in a long-ish relationship. He still had rights. 

I'm sorry that man did that to you. I'm also sorry you're experiencing trauma as a result. Would you consider talking to a therapist?

Agreed, I've had people tell me when I shared this experience that since I am dating him he has all right to touch me and that I'm in the wrong for this.. which is so not true. Not at the beginning of a relationship, not ever. Consent should be asked no matter what and if the person isn't reciprocating then the other should stop. 

I'm currently on the waiting list to go to therapy, so eventually..  yeah! Sadly the waiting time is about 4 months so I have quite a bit to go. I fear that this experience has severely ruined my trust in relationships (which was already low due to previous SA traumas) so I do hope therapy can help me.

[smackie9]

21 minutes ago, Lost1Gravity said:

Since discussion is still happening I'd also like to add to this.. i was asleep when he first started groping and woke up because of it. Aka, I wasn't really awake. Half asleep.

 

Before this, I told him multiple times during our relationship that I wanted to take things slow and if we slept in the same bed it was only for convenience or at most cuddling. 

 

I didn't give mixed signals. I let him know where I stood from the very beginning.

I pushed his hands away during the groping but he still continued. Sure, I didn't say no because I was too frozen and quite frankly too drowsy from having just woken up, but I didn't say yes either.

 

Hope this clarifies some stuff!

 

My main problem I have is that the experience has a huge effect on me even after a month or two. Not only with him, but every man or person that touches me. 

And this is why you just don't put yourself in that position. Sure we can say all day not all men are like this...we all know that BUT as women, the sad reality is, we have to be aware and protective of ourselves practically 24/7. Man I can tell you stories of subtle perverse encounters, sexual harassment, sex assaults that had happened to me throughout my life. There are times no matter it's unavoidable no matter what. 

For example I was in a crowed waiting area with my husband at a restaurant. Lots of church people there. One middle aged churchie guy started pressing into me(gross), I turned around and gave him such a stink eye he jumped, and I had to get out of there. I didn't want to cause a scene, which always a reaction women will take because we all know no one would believe it. I told my husband later....not much reaction.

[itsallgrand]

It's not going to work. You don't trust him anymore and you seem afraid of him.

There's multiple issues here. You don't seem ready yet to assert yourself and to be comfortable saying no. Why did you go into panic mode? Past trauma?  What does him buying you things and hanging out have to with it?

The other issue is he seems to be either clueless or exploiting your inability to be firm with him. The fact that he "forgets" things you've said to him makes me think he's cool with pushing right past your boundaries.