Lost1Gravity

I'm planning to break things off when I see him this weekend. He hasn't slept here since it happened, At first I wasn't sure what I wanted and if I'm overthinking everything, but that's why I made this post to see if i wasn't just being overdramatic.. but after getting all my thoughts and opinions in order along with everyone else's I've decided the relationship isn't healthy for me at all

Like I said, I did, in fact, communicate many times that I only want be intimate when I can verbally give consent. Only when asked. Yes, we've done it before.. because I gave consent and things led up to it. That night I was asleep, I didn't consent. Nothing led up to it. He started it on his own. That's what makes me uncomfortable with his touch. He violated my wishes and broke my trust after I communicated to him exactly what I want and expect.. aka communication before sex. He didn't just touch me. He got between my legs. Touched my most private parts without my consent twice when both times I tried to push him away. I didn't not communicate. I did communicate. Many.. many times. I don't like him touching me anymore because it reminds me of him breaking my trust and making me feel violated and unsafe.

This is the first time I actually stood still and thought about everything that happened, and after actually speaking about it, not pushing the memories away, and hearing everyone's thoughts I'm definitely planning to end things. My relationship with him is new, and if it's already doing this badly I don't see it having a bright future with him. Relationships shouldn't destroy your mental health in the first few months, so yeah.. breaking things off is definitely the best course of action. And some good 'ol therapy. Thank you to everyone for the support, it's helped a lot more than you realize!

Exactly this. From the moment we started the relationship I told him I wanted to take things slow. Both because previous traumas and the fact that I simply just don't want to rush into things. He agreed since the very beginning. I warned him multiple times and gave him many chances to back out. He knew from the start that sexual things wouldn't be a regular occurance and that when we are sexual, I'd verbally consent. Only then we'd be sexual. NOT when I'm asleep, not when I'm unable to consent. He broke my trust , knowing my previous experiences with sexual assault. Okay, it happened once. It happens... but then he did it again an hour later when he knows I didn't like it and tried to actively push him away (I was once again asleep by the second time and woken up) Aka. He made me feel violated. He knew my boundaries. He knew and still did it. That's what's bothering me and that's what's ruining my mental health even now. I wanted to get over it and forgive and forget because he apologised and agreed to my new terms of slowing things down further and taking a dw steps back.. but he's being pushy once again. So yes. That's what made me lose the ability to become comfortable with him

Agreed, I've had people tell me when I shared this experience that since I am dating him he has all right to touch me and that I'm in the wrong for this.. which is so not true. Not at the beginning of a relationship, not ever. Consent should be asked no matter what and if the person isn't reciprocating then the other should stop. I'm currently on the waiting list to go to therapy, so eventually.. yeah! Sadly the waiting time is about 4 months so I have quite a bit to go. I fear that this experience has severely ruined my trust in relationships (which was already low due to previous SA traumas) so I do hope therapy can help me.

Since discussion is still happening I'd also like to add to this.. i was asleep when he first started groping and woke up because of it. Aka, I wasn't really awake. Half asleep. Before this, I told him multiple times during our relationship that I wanted to take things slow and if we slept in the same bed it was only for convenience or at most cuddling. I didn't give mixed signals. I let him know where I stood from the very beginning. I pushed his hands away during the groping but he still continued. Sure, I didn't say no because I was too frozen and quite frankly too drowsy from having just woken up, but I didn't say yes either. Hope this clarifies some stuff! My main problem I have is that the experience has a huge effect on me even after a month or two. Not only with him, but every man or person that touches me.

Hi! So about a month ago my boyfriend (he's 26 and I'm 21, we only recently started dating at that time) stayed over at my place. We shared the bed because he lives hours away and stayed for a night because there was a convention in my town (I didn't have anywhere else for him to sleep, I live in a small studio appartment). We shared beds multiple times before with no lead ups to anything sexual. I didn't want to be sexually intimate with him so I turned my back to him during the whole night, but he started sexually groping me anyway, including between my legs and breasts even I tried to shut him out, and kept doing so for a good few minutes with obvious sexual intent. I didn't want this but I was too frozen to say anything, I tried to curl up and tense, limiting his ability to grope me and touch me, so he'd hopefully stop but he didn't for a good few minutes. I was in panic mode, i couldn't speak and tell him off. All I could is try to shut him out with my body language. When I didn't reciprocate he eventually stopped after a while.. but did it again without even asking for consent an hour later. When he left I messaged him and told him my feelings and thoughts that I just didn't feel okay after what he did and told him from that point I wanted to slow things down and take a few steps back, which he agreed to.. but I feel like he's starting to forget. He makes sexual comments about me and my body often which I told him I don't like and makes me uncomfortable but he doesn't stop. And I just realized I'm not comfortable around him at all anymore. I don't feel comfortable when he wants to cuddle (he keeps touching me, begging for my attention and to cuddle.. and when i deny him, he acts all sad and disappointed which makes me feel really guilty) and I just feel so overwhelmed. I told him after it happened that I wanted to stop the touching and cuddling unless I explicitly give my consent and that I don't want to be asked and forced into it but he seems to have forgotten that all together. I feel like a bad girlfriend for not being comfortable around him and giving him the intimacy he obviously wants. He does so much for me, pays so much for me and supports me and hangs out with me a lot, but I can't reciprocate at all with intimacy without feeling violated. Before he groped me a month ago I was fully fine with him touching me. I was fine with cuddles. I was fine with sexual comments.. I was comfortable with him.. We knew each other for well over a year before dating and we've been intimate before.. but since it happened I just feel horrible whenever he touches me or makes sexual comments and I don't know how to get over it. Even hugs make me tense up. It's been more than a month so I feel like I should be over it since he's my boyfriend. Intimacy is part of a relationship and I feel horrible for depriving him of that. It wasn't like that before it happened, I was able to reciprocate without a problem. I showed the same love he showed me, but since the groping it makes me panic and uncomfortable. I don't know how to proceed.. should I talk to him and tell him my boundaries again? Should I break up? Am I overreacting with what happened a months go? He's incredibly sweet and fun outside of all this.