Sam1986

Depends on country. In Norway its not that common for men to pay (thank god), but as a more traditionally minded man (which I guess is somewhat rare here), I do occasionally pay. It depends a lot on whether I actually liked her or not, and for someone I'm not that into I would probably just offer a coffee. I wouldn't necessarily ask for her to pay after that, but I wouldn't protest if she took her part of the bill either. A big plus for me is if the woman offers to pay "the next round", as that signals that she's not feeling entitled for me to pay for everything. Just offering to do so is a plus.

Yeah I don't subscribe to the "friendzone" either. I believe it's a myth created by the belief that some people have that "you can get anyone to like you if you change your behaviour to X/Y/Z, and if you are friendzoned it means its your own fault because you didnt do X/Y/Z", thereby assuming that people can be manipulated into liking you as a romantic partner in the first place. Humans are not that simple, and mutual romantic interest stems from a whole lot more than just one party's behaviour towards the other. Meaning that if one is "friendzoned", changes are good he will remain there anyway if she doesn't see him as a romantic prospect to begin with.

You should probably give us some more context here, as the lack of information here can only give you very general answers (which are less likely to apply to your individual case).

Off-topic perhaps, but you definitely can. Countries usually don't share these sorts of records with one another, so the only way they tend to learn about your felony is if you voluntarily list it in the application form when applying for a visa. Me and a friend went to China a couple of years ago, and he has a criminal record (nothing big, tax evasion mostly), and we considered listing it on the visa application form. We opted not to, and as expected, there were no consequences since Chinese authorities would have no way of knowing anyway.

Depends on what he was convicted for ("a fight" can mean so many different things in practice, even if the law views it differently), and whether or not this indicates a pattern. Talk to him about it and try to find out more perhaps. I personally feel that there is too little information to base any advice on in this case, details are needed. Genereally I'd personally be wary of someone who is convicted, but that doesnt mean that he is automatically disqualified from being a good guy. Just an example: For all I know the fight in question was one where your boyfriend got provoked first and they both participated in the fight, yet your boyfriend got a "lucky" punch in that knocked the guy unconscious and gave him a concussion. Even if the law views that as some sort of assault and convicted him accordingly, I think most guys would agree that while it was unfortunate that he got knocked out, the first guy had it coming. It can however also mean the complete opposite, that your boyfriend picked a fight, escalated on purpose or used disproportionate violence, which is a different thing altogether. Hence you should try to uncover whether or not this is a pattern.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that this is solveable with good communication between the two of you. Your reservations against marriage (being the centre of attention, and the financial part of it) are understandable, but you are not listing anything here that states that you are against marriage in principle. Have you talked to her about the possibility of having a small wedding, or even just getting married through filling out the required paperwork, without actually having a ceremony? For all we know, maybe she just wants the status of a marriage, without requiring a full on ceremony and big party. In that case there is room to navigate here. As for the prenup, talk to a lawyer if that is your main concern. That you "have heard" that they might not be water tight is irrelevant, if that is your main concern. Talk to someone who actually knows this legal field and find out what's what, again assuming that this is your main concern.

The fact that her child is 8 is quite telling in my opinion, because to me that looks like neglect, or, assuming that her living with her grandparents is a thing in Asia, a very odd prioritization. My ex's sister had a breakdown some years ago, and it caused all sorts of odd behaviour (diagnosed bipolar), especially in relation to her kids. She would just head off and live with her boyfriend, cause all sorts of drama and neglect her kids, where the kids at got no heads up and over night had to stay with grandparents and even us for a short while, depending on who had time to take them in. Her sister instead prioritized her boyfriend and picking fights with her parents, whereas her kids got no attention. Very bizarre.

I wasn't gonna reply here until I saw this message. This sounds very odd however. She might have had a mental breakdown or similar, hard to say, but not keeping her daughter in the loop before you is extremely odd and could even be neglect depending on how young she is. How old is her daughter? Below 18 by any chance? And are they still living together, and does she have custody over her?

Ask her what's up then. You can hypothesize all day, but it won't get you any far. This is what communication is for.

Doesn't mean anything, so stop overthinking it as you say.

Drop that *** right away, don't even bother questioning this. Blaming you is as low as one can get, and tells you a ton about what sort of character you're dealing with here.

You've got nothing to worry about. 2 months in and seeing each other 1-2 times a week is quite normal, go at the pace that you two find natural. Some like to go fast, some like to go slow, there is no right answer here as to how fast you two should go or what activities you should do when you're together. The clue here is that she offered to reschedule, so just do that and take it from there. As long as you two have quality time together and it feels right, go for it!

How can we deduce that she is not interested? She literally wrote that she wants to reschedule to find a fitting date. If that's not effort then I dont know what is. Speaking of little time. I just finished my major deadline right now (hooray!) at work, and I haven't been able to see many people the last days/weeks because of how big this delivery is. And right after that, I've booked a flight to see my family (the flight was booked in advance because I knew my deadline was today). And I'll be heading straight for the airport after work tomorrow, and be gone till New Year's. And I have friends who have just as busy schedules now during Christmas time, so it's not that uncommon this time of year. My point is, its not uncommon to have very tight schedules now around Christmas time, but as long as she shows an interest in trying to reschedule, he's got nothing to worry about.

There is no problem here as far as I can see. She wasn't able to go for the suggested date, but said that you should call so you two could reschedule. It's when she makes no effort to reschedule that I would be more worried, but this isn't the case here.

I would quit this place in a heartbeat. I've worked for some bad bosses before, but your experience seems worse. And I quit my last job over such a toxic boss. In your case it shouldnt even be a question anymore.

Definitely some good advice. I guess I've been fortunate to have a calm and (very) rational persona, though I admit that it's gotten me in trouble before with certain exes that took my calm demeanour as "evidence that I have no feelings". 😅 I just don't see the point in worrying about things that aren't a reality right now, especially when I've got more than enough other things to worry about in my life at the moment (work mostly, got a huge deadline this week before Christmas).

Thank you for the input, reading about perspective of other people with first hand experience is always helpful. ❤️ I hope so too, and it is a thing I will have to think carefully about if she does land in the "yes" camp. But currently I'm boxing that up for discussion later if she lands on "yes", because it doesnt serve me much good to imagine a future scenario that hasnt happened yet and might never happen either.

Definitely. I have no doubt that she loves me and she knows that I love her (if you can call it "love" after one year, but that's another discussion). But yes, I was kind of perplexed because the first thing she told me (which I cant exactly recite from memory) sounded like she was on board with it, but further exploration showed that she still wanted to "find out" first (by moving in together). That is a no-go for me, because I don't want to get more emotionally attached in case she doesn't change her mind, and because I don't want to waste my own time (I'm 37 after all, not 27). I can't rule out that she's lonely though, but I'm pretty sure that's not the whole picture. When we've met she confesses that she thinks about me every day and is sad about her loss, almost to the point where I feel like she's having more troubles dealing with this than I do. I'm certainly not "over it", but I feel that I can manage daily without the big hiccups. Thank you for the kind words. Indeed, when we met over the weekend, our conversation and my questions where in no way accusatory, and she didn't perceive them as such either. Since she had contacted me and brought up the issue, my questions were just exploratory to see what her inhibitions were stemming from, and whether or not it would be able for me to facilitate an environment which could reassure her (if applicable). I very much appreciate that she contacted me though, because she's showing that she's taking this as serious as I am and wants it to work. As she said herself, she is whishing herself to want the same thing as I do, and sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't. We have a very healthy and open communication style in general (which is part of the reason I think we are otherwise a near perfect match) where we never accuse or get angry and just speak our minds, and I quite enjoy speaking to a person that can handle serious topics in a completely transparent way with none of the toxic miscommunication that often tends to happen.

Might definitely be. I can relate to the feeling of excitement when something monumental goes down all over the news, but "enjoyment" is not a word I would use. I did however get that feeling of excitement when both the covid pandemic hit and during the early stages of the invasion of Ukraine, and it's probably a very universal feeling based, based on how the media clearly know this in their 24/7 coverage of such events (because there is a clear mass market for it). Only the OP knows what he or she means with the term "enjoy" unless specifying further.

While the dynamic you describe here is not uncommon, it's also not healthy to begin with. Yes she can (maybe) change her behaviour if he gives her space, but the the dynamic is fundamentally unhealthy here. She clearly can't express her needs in clear terms, and resorts to shutting down which is making him miserable as a result. When two people are really into each other and know how to communicate properly, power dynamics like these don't tend to arise in the first place. An ex of mine did that some 11 years ago, and it was awful to deal with. I did the whole "withdraw to raise her interest level", and yes it worked... temporarily. The problem was that I did not desire such a relationship (both because of the game playing that was tiresome and because I wanted a closer relationship), and thus (after havign tried to talk to her about it openly, which she was unable to) I had to break it off with her. The whole ordeal with "interest level" and "withdrawing" has maybe a grain of truth to it, but is mostly (in my opinion) drivel being propagated by the dating industry and their "coaches", targeted against insecure people who lack boundaries. You can't fundamentally change another person's behaviour, only she can do that. What you can change however is yourself, communicating your needs clearly and setting boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate from another person. Playing along with this dynamic by withdrawing ("to raise her interest level") is not one of those things.

Indeed, I even brought that up with her and mentioned that nothing had really changed since last time. I think she just really missed me and wanted to be with me again, which I can fully understand as that feeling is mutual. I am a bit fortunate though in that I've developed some strong boundaries over the years, so it's clearly easier for me to transition away from this situation than it is for her (as I didnt reach out and have been dating others, as recently as last week even). Also it being a non-negotiable for me, there is no reason for me to linger when there is only one outcome that is acceptable to me. One of the advantages of age I guess, being less confused and more purposeful than my younger self. 🤷‍♂️ I will tread cautiously. I have no intentions of creating some long soap opera here, as I've been quite adamant all the way here on where I stand. That being said, I cannot be so rigid as not to give her the opportunity to change her mind if she does want to give it a long and hard thought, albeit with a set date so as to avoid dragging it out. But I told her that it will be final if she doesn't change her stance, and she knows this (last time I held the door open for her to change her mind if she ever did, but with no clear end date).

Is that really relevant whether she means those things or not? Regardless of how she really feels about you, there is one undeniable fact here - she is currently making your life miserable. Now rather than ask yourself "does she love me?", ask yourself "what does she add to my life?". Because I sure as heck can't see it. Describe your ideal relationship with a person to yourself (or here if you want to), and then honestly ask yourself if she even remotely fits that bill (and no, "cooking for you" doesnt count. If you even have to drag that up, you have some very low expectations for what you can expect from your significant other). You'll have your answer then about what you ought to do.

Thank you for the feedback and kind words. This is the part that might bother me if she does land in the "yes" camp. But since I have no answer yet anyway, I'll handle that one later after I get my final answer. Maybe she lands on a "no" for all I know. And yes, I agree with your observation on kids throwing tantrums in public. You can usually tell that the parents are at fault, and the worst behaving kids are usually those whose parent stand there and act indifferent. I remember when I went to Japan (twice) and never once did I see a kid act out in public. In fact, they stood still in line like everyone else, despite it being the hot summer season and where I can imagine it must have been hard for those children to stand still. However, it didn't take many weeks until I saw some unruly children at the airport flying home, and those were not Japanese so to speak. Really says a lot about the role of parenting and the importance of setting clear boundaries early.

Thank you for your reply. I will not go for a relationship with her unless she gets into the "yes" camp, that's a non-negotiable for me and it's for the exact reason you mention - I do not want to get into a relationship and hope that she changes her mind. Maybe my younger self would accept something like that, but one of the nice things about being in my late 30s is that I won't accept things that I would earlier in life and which aren't good for me. 🙂 I do sort of accept that I might never be a father (can anyone truly guarantee such an outcome for themselves? I think not), but I do want to have given it my best effort on the way. Which is why I was not yielding to her and said that I needed a clear "yes" if we were to progress. Otherwise I will have to look elsewhere, and she knows that I will do so (I have been dating other people after all, even if unsuccessfully, as I've told her that I am not waiting around for her to make up her mind). Your first point is interesting. If she does land in the "yes" camp, I'll try to see how she behaves around other children that discomfort her (the ones throwing tantrums) to see how she handles that. That being said, I've never heard or seen her be mean to anyone, so it would sort of surprise me to hear such words coming from her.

So, an update here: We parted goodbye some weeks ago, and honestly I was kind of ok with that (it sucks, but on the other hand it is what it is). Then she called me on Saturday, saying that she had thought a lot over the last weeks and that she didn't want to lose me. Initially she said something along the lines of "I've been thinking about kids and moving in together, and I'm getting warmed up to having kids and want us to move in together to see how compatible we are", before specifying (I pushed her on this) that she wanted to move in together and see if things went well, but that she hadn't made up a clear mind yet about kids (as it sounded initially). She did however mention that she was giving the issue some thought every day, because she knows that I am currently dating around again, and she said she feels like it would be the biggest mistake of her life to lose me over this one issue. We had a long talk in person some hours later, and after pushing her on the issue it got clear that the latter interpretation I got from out phone call was the correct one. She is still undecided, and while she wants kids on one hand in some situations (seeing how friends get happy, and seeing the nice things about having a family together), she occasionally gets reluctant (when she for instance sees a kid behaving badly and throwing tantrums in public). Otherwise she still can't pinpoint why she is hesitant, but has admitted that she is afraid of big commitments like these, but equally worried about the big commitment that it means to pass on the opportunity to be with me. We did explore those worries a bit, and it does sound like some fear of committing is at the core of it here. She has one hand a wish for what her possible child will be named one day (most people who are in the clear "no" camp don't even entertain that thought), and likes the idea of bringing the family for hiking etc. in the forest (she is very into hiking trips). Then again, she mentioned being afraid of the commitment and that she was worried that "her life would be over", even though she said she realizes that it obviously won't be and that it sounded ridiculous when she said it out loud. She also mentioned being worried that I might leave her at some point, which I did my best to reassure that I have no current intentions of doing, as she is truly the best match I could ever hope to have with someone. I stood my ground on the issue quite fiercely here, and told her in no unclear terms that if she wants to be with me she will have to accept the "the whole package", that is both being with me, but also moving in together and that kids are a non-negotiable part of my future if we are to pursue anything further (like moving in together). Hence, I told her that while I would be thrilled to move in with her, this depends on her accepting that we kids are in the cards some years down the road (obviously assuming we are otherwise compatible, as I don't want to have children with anyone just for the sake of having children). We agreed that she would think it over during Christmas, and we'd have one last talk after New Year's Eve after she gave my "ultimatum" some thought. Maybe I'm making a mistake here (or maybe I'm not), but I thought I'd post it just in case. On one hand I feel that I am very strict about this part being non-negotiable, but on the other hand I also feel that it really is and that I can't accept to settle for a "maybe I'll change my mind in the future" kind of deal (which is why I stood my ground here). Then there's also the question of whether or not I should take the leap myself and go for her if she does land on the "yes" side of things. She won't be nearly as thrilled as I am over it since it took an ultimatum to land on that decision, but on the other hand, are both parties ever truly equally into all things? I am willing to compromise on this and take up more than my lion's share of parenting if that's what it takes. Even though she has mentioned worrying about not being a great mother before, I honestly have no doubts that she would make both a great mother and a great wife in the future, as she is an extremely likeable person with nowhere near the level of baggage that my former exes have had (even if she herself believes otherwise). To me she sounds more worried than truly against the idea itself, and if she does land on the "yes" side of things. These are of course all things that I will have to think further about once I get my answer after New Year's Eve, but meanwhile do feel free to share your thoughts on the issue if you have any. 🙂